Was I a fool?

[Missinghim24]

I'm ashamed to say I had an affair with a colleague last year.
We have worked together a long time, though located in different countries (We are both the same nationality but he lives in the Uk), we saw each other at work events a few times a year.
Last year our work messages got more personal and we shared that we liked each other. He told me his stay at home wife is always annoyed with him, she doesn't get along with his family and hasn't learned his language - nor have their children so he felt very isolated. She didn't appreciate how hard he worked, but I understood what it takes to do the job.
After a few weeks he told her about us, and messaged me to say that he wants his family and has to end it. I accepted that.
But then we saw each other a few days later. He said he'd had to say that as she was threatening to move away with the children. He was very upset so we went back to his hotel room to talk. We ended up sleeping together. When he returned home he moved out and I thought we would be together. But he went back to his wife.
I understand what we did was wrong, but i though he was so unhappy and really cared for me.
Since then he has ignored me completely. His wife has contacted me, telling me I'm young and foolish and should have seen it would never work, that she and the children hate me and will always be part of his life whatever happens (I'm only 11 years younger, he is in his 40s I'm in my early 30s ). That I can't understand as I'm not a mother. I ignored her so she posted about me on social media, so my colleagues, family and friends all know now too. I asked him to stop her but he said it's between her and me.
Was I really stupid to think this was something, that he cared? I would not repeat this mistake but I thought I really meant something to him.

Unfortunately you were played, OP. The important thing is to learn from the experience and not repeat it.

As a rule of thumb, if a man who is married/in a committed relationship is acting like your new best friend it's because he's after sex. He'll come out with endless BS about his relationship with his other half because he's a liar and he's manipulative. Never take these men seriously, never let them get close to you.

What an awfully weak man, expecting it to be someone else’s responsibility to ensure his kids speak his language.

“it’s between you and her” is a ridiculous thing to say also.

You know you haven't covered yourself in glory OP, but you've clearly learned a lesson. You may have been a fool, but he’s a total fucking arsehole. Xx

You didn’t just get involved with someone who was married you actively participated in his quest to abandon his wife and children in the hopes he would be with you!

Now you are bruised because he changed his mind!

OP, you will emerge from this wiser and kinder, and -hopefully- humbled. What you are experiencing must be so disconcerting and confusing. But you got here by deliberately centering your own desires, knowing that by inserting yourself into the lives of his unsuspecting wife and children, you would cause immeasurable hurt and upheaval. Sure, her husband is the one who disrespected his wife by trashing his commitment to her (a betrayal from which you benefited) but your knowing participation in causing foreseeable harm means that your involvement wasn't a neutral act -albeit somewhat asymmetrical, you still have some culpability upon which to reflect.

The hurt his wife likely experienced at the time must have been immense -the insecurity around how their children's future might look, potentially being step-parented by a woman who'd thought nothing of harming their mum in the cruellest way; growing up knowing their dad to lack the most basic integrity; knowing that her following her gut instinct to leave with the children would rip them from the home and family life they've always known -why should she be forced to be the one to bring such heartbreak to her children when it was you and their dad who co-created the conditions under which she felt forced to consider this; carrying the shame of betrayal while knowing it isn't hers to carry -she didn't cheat, afterall, so why you felt she deserved this pain while you deserved a go at her husband must have confounded her. In my work with women, I see this tear betrayed partners apart. So she's left with the least shit of some really shit choices: she stays and knuckles down to what must be the really grim and humiliating work of trying to salvage the relationship, amidst the rage, grief and perhaps undignified longing for details and disclosure in order to try to make sense of what's happened to rip her life apart. The poor, poor woman. And now, toughing it out over Christmas to boot. I don't think you can underestimate the hurt you've caused a woman who, at that point, had done you no harm -quite independently of the harm also caused by her husband. You still have your life -for her, everything is tainted. In a way, it is reassuring that she's come out all guns blazing and gone public with her hurt; as a PP suggested, this is quite unusual, and a more common scenario would be for her to selflessly suffer in silence, carrying the shame and secrecy of a situation she did not ask for but which her husband, and you by extension, put her in, for the sake of preserving the dignity of her children. As upsetting as it must have been for you to have your actions outed in such a way, I'm relieved for her sake that she chose not to stay burdened by shame and secrecy.

Really reflect on what brought you to this point, OP. Dwell on the place where you said you'd not really considered that his wife would remain connected to your lives after they had separated. This is so revealing -I'd start with that.

Not necessarily. You trusted someone who misled you. Older people who have been around the block a few times with tell you it’s the oldest line in the book, but if you haven’t experienced it before then you wouldn’t necessarily know that.

I know two couples who ended up together following an affair, and in both cases, the man did left his wife and kids, so there’s always a possibility that he will leave, but this obviously wasn’t the case here. He may have been honest in his criticisms of his wife. Unlike some on here, I don’t think that the wife is automatically some kind of saint just for being the mother of his kids. Maybe she’s a nightmare, but for whatever reason, he’s decided not to leave. His reasons or excuses aren’t worth your headspace. Whatever you do, don’t go back to him. ‘Fool me once, shame on you…’ and all that.

The wife sounds vindictive and immature, so it wouldn’t surprise me if there’s an element of truth in what he was saying. She’s probably threatening him with all sorts, but you are best well out of this.

OP, you really should know better once you’re in your 30s.

If a married man comes to you wanting your time and energy because he’s so unhappy at home and his wife is “miserable”, you say “go home and spend the time that you’re trying to spend with me, working on your relationship and trying to make your wife happy.”

How did you think that being his shoulder to cry on for months and using time and energy that he could have been putting into his family would help?

You didn’t.

You thought it would serve you. You felt good being this man’s confidant and feeling like you were helping, when actually you were deepening the divide between him and his wife, and him and his kids; surely you can see that?

If a married man approaches you for emotional support and to bitch about his wife, you should suggest counselling, either marriage counselling or individual. You shouldn’t use up hours of his free time which could be spent with his family and then fuck him. 🙄

You must have known that you weren’t actually going to help their marriage, ergo you knew you were actually damaging it.

So, in answer to your original question, no you weren’t a fool, you were incredibly and deliberately hurtful to his wife and his children. You were conscious that the time he spent talking to and messaging you could have been spent playing with his kids or repairing his relationship with his wife and yet you carried on driving a wedge between them. You were really quite cruel.

If you hadn’t known about his wife and kids you could be considered a fool, but you did and you chose to court him anyway; that’s on you.

I don’t agree with this at all. You are putting way too much responsibility on OP here. Why is it OPs job to ‘help his marriage’ or tell him to go back to his wife? Some relationships are not worth saving, and remaining in the marriage isn’t always the right decision. OP has no idea what the truth of the situation is. The only person who knows the truth is him. He is free to choose whether OP (or sex with other women) is more important to him than the commitment he made to his wife.

Putting the onus on OP, who has made no commitment to anybody, is playing into the temptress stereotype. It makes women responsible for men’s choices, and removes agency from the man. He’s not an inanimate object, he’s a human being making a conscious choice about the direction his own life, his commitments, and what is really important to him.

@MidnightMeltdownI think you’re misunderstanding me.

If the married man is having problems with his marriage, then the onus is on him to plough time and energy into reviving his relationship or seek counselling to help the relationship repair.

What is not going to help is him putting time and energy into the OW and fucking her.

The only thing the OP should have done in this scenario is said “no”. No, she won’t be his confidant or fuck buddy or the reason why the married man stays longer in the office, instead of returning home to his family.

The OP knew the only truth that mattered; he was married. So at that point she says no to the emotional and physical affair he was trying to have.

You're correct in that the OP has zero obligation to help anyone else’s marriage, but she also has a moral obligation to not fuck anyone else over, which is very simple to do in scenarios like this if you just do a Zammo and say “no” to married men.

He'd already split up with you once, you knew he was married yet you still slept with him so yes you were a fool to think he saw you as anything other than a convenient shag. His wife's a fool for taking him back too but it might take her longer to figure that one out.

I don't think you were a fool, OP, you were just inexperienced in some of the ways of the world. Married men very rarely leave their wives. Even if they're not in love anymore, even if there are genuine problems, breaking up a marriage when there are children involved is a massive, massive thing. It affects three interconnected families and a lot of friends. (Their own family unit, his family, and her family.) It has enormous financial repercussions. It deeply affects children. The consequences for everyone are lifelong. Many people choose to just stick it out, even if the marriage is very unfulfilling.

It doesn't sound as if it meant nothing to him. You had a connection. Had you both been single, it sounds like it almost certainly would have become a relationship. So I don't think you were a fool in that sense, either.

Overwhelmingly, there are no winners in married love triangles. The takeaway for you is that it's a really bad idea to invest your heart in someone who isn't free. Even if his feelings were genuine, what does that matter when he's got a wife and kids? And she's right, they would be there forever, even if he did decide to be with you. Fabulous - not!

Forget about him and focus on meeting one of the millions and millions of single men out there. 💐

This happened to me when I was young and I really believed all the stuff he said. I know now it was a script and I was stupid, but I honestly didn't realise he was lying when he said they weren't together and that he loved me and wanted a life together. I was a sucker. Sorry this happened, live and learn. If you can, move away and get a job in a different company, make a fresh start.

OP if you never want it to happen to you and your future husband, then put yourself in this woman's shoes, who you were hoping to have their marriage implode so you could eventually marry him. If he's going to cheat on his current wife and left her for you, he would believe he got away with it and would likely do it to you. Take accountability for how she feels and if you would appreciate being in her place. You knew going into this situation he was married, yet you chose to hope a family would be broken up for your own selfish reasons and thought you could change him. This is not a Build A Bear Workshop goal you need to pursue. In fact any future relationships with men will likely be delicate, because how could they trust "the other woman?" Just simply ask yourself, would you want this to happen to you? If not, then learn to move on and put him in your past. Married men and women lie in order to get what they want when because they're too unhappy to be honest with each other. Why do you want that drama in your life when it's easy for him to lie to his wife? He's going to lie to you as well. It's human nature. Take a break and due diligence before another relationship, and learn from your mistakes.

This is online harassment, and it's illegal.

Username checks out! 🤣🧸

Out of interest, what would you do? I hope you don't carry out these threats if it ever happens to you, because you'd probably end up in jail, which would NOT be good!

Sorry I don’t agree either that at all. Truly bizarre for this guy’s wife to go posting on SM and even naming OP.

This is so heartbreaking. I am sorry that your husband was such a complete and utter toad. 💐

I have two friends who got involved with married men. If it helps at all to understand what came over the women, the men involved were very, very convincing and lied to them very effectively. They both had my friends believing that the men were these poor, downtrodden specimens who were emotionally abused at home and who had been revived at the very sight of such goddesses as my friends! That the marriage was on its last legs and the wife wouldn't care anyway since she'd barely looked his way in years. My friends weren't deluded, so much as taken for a ride.

And when it all went tits-up and the men went back to their wives, both of my friends were absolutely devastated and had trust issues afterwards that I don't think have ever really left them. I thought it might help you to know that, because it probably seems to you as if the other woman danced in, destroyed everything, and waltzed out. I've mopped up the tears at the other end, and it's not the case. They were both like, "How COULD he?" Much as you might have been, I suppose.

There are no winners here.

OP: you only know his part of the story (or rather, what he chose to tell you). You don't know the wife, you don't know their family situation, you don't know how much they've been through together, good or bad. You don't know what their daily interactions actually look like. You don't know anything. You blindly believed someone who already told you that he was capable (and actively) lying to the mother of his children. That is pretty stupid, I'm sorry. 'Im lying to her but I'm definitely telling you the truth 🤣'.

Secondly, let's imagine this guy was actually single. What did you really and I mean really have here? Long distance conversations and a shag. It really does not sound that deep to me if I'm honest. There's been no dates, you haven't met his friends or family, you haven't really spent that much time together in person, haven't seen him in any real life situations to see how he reacts or deals with things, haven't been to his house to see how he arranged his living space... Even if he was single this does not sound like a relationship to me, not even close. You do not know him. You have some romanticised idea of him. So now knowing that he's married - do you really think this would be enough for him to leave his CHILDREN?! Come on now...

Thirdly, and I really want you to remember this. You are not in any way better or more understanding than his wife (we can't objectively compare, you don't know anything about her), you were probably more available though. More available to act out his fantasies, stroke his ego, give him spaces to vent. It sounds to me like you were an opportunity, if it wasn't you, it would've been someone else.

Work on your self-esteem OP. Men like him will always treat you the same way. Why? Because you let him. He told you he had a wife and you seemed fine with it. That was his permission to treat you like a side peace and nothing serious and keep you under that label in his head. She was always going to be his wife and you...a dirty secret because you were ok with it. Because you knew and had no boundaries and went along with it.

Next time a man approaches you make your boundaries known. I want to date a single man who's on the same page exclusively. It's as simple as that. If he sees no opportunity he will leave it.

I mean this in the kindest possible way, you were naive and foolish.

There’s something called ‘the script’, many unfaithful men follow this and he was no exception. He played you with the whole woe is me, my marriage is practically over, my wife is a bitch etc and acted like you would save him. He got what he wanted from you I.e sex, ultimately ended up feeling guilty OR his wife just found out which is probably more likely, so dropped you like a tonne of bricks. Him coming back to you briefly for a shag because, let’s face it, that is what happened was not a sign he does want you over her. It was him using you again for sex.

If a man really wants to be with you, they will make this happen. He wanted you to be his piece on the side and it was cool while he got away with it but once his wife found out, it caused him hassle he couldn’t be bothered with so he dropped you.

It hurts because it mattered.
I’m sorry the whole thing happened, his wife must be really hurt too. Put it behind you and find a way to focus on yourself this year. Find out what it was that he gave you that you needed so badly, and get it yourself. You don’t need him.

I don’t think it’s bizarre for the wife to do that, at all. Op shamed herself with her behaviour, the wife just named her!! And, let’s be honest, if op thought she’d done nothing wrong, saw no issue with shagging a married man, she wouldn’t care if her parents and siblings knew, would she?
And no, that obviously doesn’t exonerate the dick head husband. At all. He’s a twat who has behaved despicably, but they both had agency in this, they both made these choices. The wife wasn’t given a choice, so she’s making her own choices now. Good for her.

Hr spoke to me. I confirmed the relationship happened but was over. I am not his subordinate so they put it down to a personal matter. They did advise me that posts where the company was identifiable (she posted on the companies page) were bringing the company into disrepetute and that was problematic. They blocked her and I had a solicitor send a letter to stop the harassment which it did. So the matter is dropped from a work perspective. I assume they spoke to him too.

You had a solicitor send her a letter?! Rather than speaking with her and offer her an apology?!
Bloody hell op.
You felt justified enough to ruin her and her kids lives messing about with her husband (of course, his marriage is his responsibility but you were 50% of that affair) but not justified enough for anyone to know about it?!
What did you think would happen if you were eventually together? That no one would know that you'd started out as a sordid affair?

By the way, he didn't tell her, she found out. I guarantee it.

You were only ever an ego boost, he never intended to leave her, and that's why he's gone along with everything she has done and has blocked you.

As others have said, when a man is willing to lie and betray in order to cheat on his wife, he is showing you he is a man who is willing to lie, betray and cheat. So it should not come as a surprise when he does the same to you.