Husband completely rewritten history and I'm hurt

[HilaryFrog]

Husband has completely written history to paint me badly and I am hurt and I don't know what to do.

During the pandemic my marriage almost fell apart. He had to work from home and I developed Long Covid after getting very sick with covid and was bed bound for 10 months, I still did some things but I had to spend hours in bed I was so unwell and it took a couple of years to regain full physical ability. This caused our marriage to become extremely strained, of which the situation in the house became very toxic, we are argued all the time, things became very heated, he resented me for being sick and felt I was a burden, I resented him for how badly he was treating me for being sick. The situation resulted in me having a serious mental breakdown which required hospital admission, he never visited me and we separated. I was unwell and stayed elsewhere as we felt it was in the childrens interest that I was the one to move out as I was too ill at the time to be their main carer and they needed some stability.

After time apart we rekindled our relationship. We felt this was in the best interest of our children and also we were getting on really well. The passion returned and I feel like now we have a good relationship. Or so I thought.

A year ago I went back into education to get a career of my own. This has meant that the dynamic in the house has changed, and whilst I once was the childrens primary caregiver, he now is, as my university is a 4 hour round commute away. This is not ideal however he did not wish to move and this is the closest uni that did the course I wanted. We both agreed to do this.

At the weekend we were talking and I mentioned something I had been upset about, he asked me to elaborate and I said " actually I think it's best we don't talk about this you will get defensive and I don't want to fight". Although we get on now we don't really discuss what happened during the pandemic. He always gets very defensive and it's not worth the fight. My friends believe this is because he has a hard time accepting that he didn't handle things well and behaved abusively at times during that period. Unfortunately this has meant that I have been left with some painful things I carry about it I feel have never had a resolve. He said "no it's ok let's talk about it I won't get defensive".

So we did talk. He didn't get defensive. What he did do was present a history that is entirely rewritten.

Before i got sick I was the childrens primary care giver. I ran a childcare business from home and was a stay at home mum. I wanted to get a carer of my own but he said we couldn't afford the childcare. I did majority of the cooking in the week, often having dinner cooking for when he got in and all the emotional labour and care around the kids. The house would get on top of me alot so he would often come home to a mess, sometimes a huge mess due to me trying to juggle dinner for lots of children, kids reading and homework and the last few hours of the day always seemed to get away with me and he would have to help me tidy up when he came home. I did most of the cleaning that wasn't these daily reset tasks however he would do the big pull everything out feel cleans. I tried to follow that organised mum thing. I would say he did more in the house then many men do but it was fairly balanced between us. We had a night pack down routine where I would settle the kids and he would wash up etc. the kids mostly were my job but he did look after them so I could do a hobby or go on a night out with friends etc. I think white balanced. The pandemic did change they due to how ill I got and that is a huge grief of mine.

We also had a joint account (that we no longer have). I organised the account because we had got into some debt and I had asked if I could try organising it. We each had an allowance out of it to spend on what we liked and the rest was joint.

In his version of events
I was never the primary care giver to the children, he apparently has always been.
That he has always done " atleast 85% of everything" even before I got sick.
That I "controlled the finances" and spent it all on clothes and things I wanted (we did sometimes argue about me buying things, but I never ever bought out of our joint money and he had full access to our joint account I just organised payments to things)
And he claims that his reaction in the pandemic was more then reasonable considering all of this and I should be grateful that he wanted to make things work and not seperate because he insists if we had "all it would have taken is me to see a solicitor and you would have lost everything" ( I got legal advice at the time and this is not true). He thinks he was entirely justified in the way he treated me because of this.

I am so hurt. This is a huge distortion of reality.
To me the pandemic was a huge life stressers that we both handled badly. He behaved pretty shockingly towards me being so sick, however I understand that it was very difficult and a huge life shift and he was very stressed and I also didn't handle things well at times...and we've moved past it and my health has recovered. To me it was a painful 3 years and things are better now.

He does have a habit of rewriting history on a day to day if he's done something wrong. For example he'll regularly deny he said something or did something or exaggerate about timings or amounts until you show him evidence he did such as screenshots or whatever. He openly admitted for a while his long term memory isn't great and was doing brain training stuff as he was worried about it (which he now also denies he ever said it did).

I don't know what to do or how to move forward now. I'm so hurt he believes such a distorted reality of our pre pandemic life, especially as I gave up my personal goals for a decade to be the stay at home parent.etc.

I feel heavily gasslit. Like I'm going insane. I've been sat going through old bank statements trying to prove to him I never spent from the joint account.

I feel so hurt part of me wants to leave. But also like I don't wish to explode my life or my childrens life right now. When we were thinking of separating before things did get messy and I don't trust it would be a calm seperation. I don't think I would be able to continue my course, and I definitely would have to suspend it as I would be devastated and I don't think I would cope with a seperation and the travel and heavy work load.

And like the children are happy and I want them to have a happy family, and I mean until this conversation I was the happiest I have been since all this happened. Like actually thinking we had saved our marriage.

But I don't know how to carry the hurt from this completely delusional narrative about the past.

Sorry if this was a long read. I just don't know who to talk to about it. My friends developed a dislike of him due to how he was treating me during the pandemic and so everything they say is quite biased, where I have felt like we had moved on from all that.

I have a lot of sympathy with your situation. I've been married for a very long time to a man I love very dearly. However there is often a mismatch between what he appears to support in theory and how he feels when we actually go ahead with whatever has been agreed. He is older, but I suspect it isn't just an age thing (more a man thing), and theoretically in favour of equality and against traditional domestic roles; but I'm pretty sure has resented me at times and probably expects more praise for taking on domestic or caring responsibilities than I - or most women - would expect. He also doesn't care as much as I do about the state of the house or notice the need to clean and how much I still end up doing when he is supposedly taking responsibility for something.

I don't know what the answer is for you. I don't think it's enough to split up a relationship that it working otherwise and at least you are talking about it. But it's a bloody pain in the arse when it goes on forever.

Have you asked yourself why this relationship is all on his terms?

Insisting you were a SAHM in the early days, refusing to consider childcare costs even though work would have benefited you.

You want to move near uni, jobs and family - very sensible. He refuses compelling you to a long commute.

Have you asked yourself why you don’t have a voice? Why everything is under his control? Have you considered whether keeping you isolated in the country, dependent on him is intentional? (And of a piece with the rest of the control).

Completely agree.

She had a serious mental health breakdown which required hospitalisation. His response was never to visit and then split up to let her live alone on benefits. Once she was back on track and functioning normally the domestic bot was allowed back.

If there was any hint on mental struggles on his side you’d expect a dot of compassion and sympathy. “ I understand what you’re going through. I’m struggling too. Let’s work through this together.” No, not at jot because it’s all about him.

There are times where I have raised that I feel the relationship is on his terms, however he insists that the relationship is entirely on my terms and all the choices are made with me in mind. This doesn't really fit with my experience, however he insists and when pushed he starts talking about the relationship ending as he doesn't want to "put up with my negativity" and I don't want that. I just want a better life with him. Not seperation really.

I have over the years made posts like this in forums about a few of these issues but I always get such a mixed bag of replies as what is happening in this thread I wonder if it's just me and maybe I am just being selfish for not being particularly happy with the life we have made, as ultimately I did decide to have children and unfortunately didnt realise that I would both love my kids and being a mum but at the same time feel unfulfilled as just a mum.
This hasn't been helped by the fact he feels things I would like, such as to live somewhere more accessible are inheritantly selfish as it's good for the kids to live in the country. Although I often wonder if its better for the kids to have two parents who have independence, accessible living and feel satisfied with their lives.

Also on a day to day basis we do get on really well. I think alot of people say that but it's true. When none of these deeper things are factored in we seem to enjoy each others company, the kids seem happy, and I often legitimately feel happy. Often the problems seem to creep up when the niggling feelings I have about our relationship or the way we do this, the things he says to me, or now the way he treated me when I was sick become hard to keep squashed down.
But then I compare my situation to many who have partners who seem significantly worse and I think maybe it's me expecting too much and I have a better man then many.

I don't know really.

Did I write this under another name?

I think that the op was bringing in an income during the time she ran her childcare business.

I agree with everyone who is advising op to bide her time and get her university degree and a new job and then assess the situation.

The re-writing of history is really unfair and begs the question why he has got back together with op if she contributes so little (well as he describes it)?

I have had experience of a man re-writing history and it’s often because they don’t fully understand all of the tasks that go in to running a house properly. A lot of so-called women’s work is unseen and unappreciated because of that.

I agree though that it was obviously very hard for op’s dh dh carrying the weight of the entire family during the pandemic and again when op became mentally unwell. I wonder if his contribution has been fully acknowledged by op if she was understandably having mh battles?

I suspect what has happened is that op’s dh encouraged her to do the uni course and then reality has struck as he is left as the main carer once again and reminded him of resentments that were once stifled which have risen to the surface again as he once again finds himself carrying quite a lot of responsibility.

Having said all of that, I don’t like the sound of the financial control which sounds almost coercive and not visiting op in the mental hospital was surely very cruel.

Op I wish you the very best for the future. It’s a really complicated scenario and tbh I think there are probably faults on both sides here to address. But if the level of resentment from your dh is as you describe and he has re-written the past in his own head, it’s hard to see how the relationship can be salvaged.

This is classic gaslighting.

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-gaslighting/

Everything is great when you are trundling along meeting his expectations. As soon as you state something you would like or need it causes a problem. According to him, it’s all, YOU YOU YOU! You’re so needy, demanding and self centred. It upsets you, makes you doubt yourself so you make yourself small. Everything is fine again because you’re being obedient. This is not a fai relationship because their is no give and take or acknowledgement that you both have needs and wants and it’s entirely possible to meet in the middle so everyone is happy.

In my experience, the more people you ask the more you will get confused. People will take a snippet of information and give information based on that. Unless they have been through similar, their advice will be unhelpful.

I would really advise you to seek out therapy where you can discuss ALL of this with one person who understands the psychology behind human behaviour and relationships. I’ve been on the receiving end of abusive behaviour. I spent lots of time wondering if it was me, was I doing something wrong, being too needy, etc. I also had a bit of a breakdown. Turns out I have CPTSD and didn’t have the tools to recognise or deal with certain people who showed up in my life. For me, it was lots of things from childhood that were driving my behaviour and making me put up with things I should have culled at the outset.

You should never have got back together. All you did was sweep your issues under the rug. They were always going to come out again.

You get along well day to day because you're avoiding the issues.

There are times where I have raised that I feel the relationship is on his terms, however he insists that the relationship is entirely on my terms and all the choices are made with me in mind. This doesn't really fit with my experience, however he insists and when pushed he starts talking about the relationship ending as he doesn't want to "put up with my negativity"

And there we have it.

The moment you try and explain your feelings and experience, he holds the relationship over your head.

So you stop talking, so as not to rock the boat.

He will not discuss things properly.
He will not accept your feelings.
He doesn’t want to hear your feelings unless you agree with him.
He doesn’t want to take/accept any responsibility for his own behaviour - he puts the blame squarely at your feet every single time.
Everything is on HIS terms - because it’s his way or the highway.

And to keep you in line, so that you don’t continue to question him, he threatens you with the end of the relationship.

im wondering if you should play the long game. Get your career sorted and children soryed then leavecwhen the time is rihht. You dont want to be with him in later life. He's not nice. I would try to then find a nice person. You deserve more. I had a husband like yours. A more diluted version, but someone who also wouldnt face the truth and threw things back in my face which i had never even thiught were a ' problem'. I got divorced. These types are not emotionally mature or supportive and cause damage.

This doesn't really fit with my experience, however he insists and when pushed he starts talking about the relationship ending as he doesn't want to "put up with my negativity" and I don't want that. I just want a better life with him. Not seperation really.

He is using the threat of leaving to keep you from challenging him. This is coercive control.

This poster nails it. He wants a Bangmaid 3000 domestic appliance who never complains, not a human being.

Och when mine spits his dumm out about his appliance being defective following say hip surgery. I just calmly say there's the door.

My response to your latest post was very similar to @MrsZiggywinkle and I agree with her post.

• When you try to address the issue that the relationship is on his terms: he denies it, contradicts you, and if you push it he threatens to end the relationship. That is 100% control.

• When you say you’d like to live somewhere more accessible, he just tells you you’re being selfish. He has apparently decided that is better for the kids to be in the country which is an entirely moot point. It could be equally good for the kids to be living somewhere accessible, near a wider range of activities and people and relations. What is his real motive?

• Better for the kids to have two happy fulfilled parents than one controlling parent and one rather put upon squashed and controlled one.

• In daily life you say you get on perfectly okay but it’s dependent on you staying in your box. When you question the limits of your box he tells you’re selfish, gaslights you and threatens to end a relationship.

• You shouldn’t have to squash down your feelings about the way he treated you when you were sick, the things he says to you you’re not happy about, or the issues in your relationship. This is no way to live.

• That some women are in even worse relationships is in no way a positive about this one.

• Finally I agree it would be advisable to find some individual therapy. The internet will always be a mixed bag, as some people have no understanding of controlling relationships, and tend to speak from their own experiences.

Trust your own experience of your life.
Trust your own eyes.
Trust what you know to be true.

Then ask what matters most - what do I need. Can you pass your driving test? Or move to a small town?

It sounds like you need to take charge of your own life and needs, not just be facilitating everyone else. You will feel much better instantly the minute you start to listen to yourself.

Wait it out until you've got your degree and then assess the situation. Meanwhile learn to drive to give you more mobility and freedom and get therapy for yourself.
Ignore his version of what happened during the pandemic, honour your own feelings about that time and be proud you overcame everything that you endured. If he was that uncaring and negligent towards you during your health crisis then why would you want to stay with him long term?
The future looks bleak if you stay together, his past behaviour tells you everything.
Use the next 18 months to plan your escape and choose a job that means you can co parent your children together.

But we only know what the OP is telling us about the whole history. An old Take That song summed it up neatly. 'There's three versions of the story - yours and mine and then there is the truth'