Husband completely rewritten history and I'm hurt

[HilaryFrog]

Husband has completely written history to paint me badly and I am hurt and I don't know what to do.

During the pandemic my marriage almost fell apart. He had to work from home and I developed Long Covid after getting very sick with covid and was bed bound for 10 months, I still did some things but I had to spend hours in bed I was so unwell and it took a couple of years to regain full physical ability. This caused our marriage to become extremely strained, of which the situation in the house became very toxic, we are argued all the time, things became very heated, he resented me for being sick and felt I was a burden, I resented him for how badly he was treating me for being sick. The situation resulted in me having a serious mental breakdown which required hospital admission, he never visited me and we separated. I was unwell and stayed elsewhere as we felt it was in the childrens interest that I was the one to move out as I was too ill at the time to be their main carer and they needed some stability.

After time apart we rekindled our relationship. We felt this was in the best interest of our children and also we were getting on really well. The passion returned and I feel like now we have a good relationship. Or so I thought.

A year ago I went back into education to get a career of my own. This has meant that the dynamic in the house has changed, and whilst I once was the childrens primary caregiver, he now is, as my university is a 4 hour round commute away. This is not ideal however he did not wish to move and this is the closest uni that did the course I wanted. We both agreed to do this.

At the weekend we were talking and I mentioned something I had been upset about, he asked me to elaborate and I said " actually I think it's best we don't talk about this you will get defensive and I don't want to fight". Although we get on now we don't really discuss what happened during the pandemic. He always gets very defensive and it's not worth the fight. My friends believe this is because he has a hard time accepting that he didn't handle things well and behaved abusively at times during that period. Unfortunately this has meant that I have been left with some painful things I carry about it I feel have never had a resolve. He said "no it's ok let's talk about it I won't get defensive".

So we did talk. He didn't get defensive. What he did do was present a history that is entirely rewritten.

Before i got sick I was the childrens primary care giver. I ran a childcare business from home and was a stay at home mum. I wanted to get a carer of my own but he said we couldn't afford the childcare. I did majority of the cooking in the week, often having dinner cooking for when he got in and all the emotional labour and care around the kids. The house would get on top of me alot so he would often come home to a mess, sometimes a huge mess due to me trying to juggle dinner for lots of children, kids reading and homework and the last few hours of the day always seemed to get away with me and he would have to help me tidy up when he came home. I did most of the cleaning that wasn't these daily reset tasks however he would do the big pull everything out feel cleans. I tried to follow that organised mum thing. I would say he did more in the house then many men do but it was fairly balanced between us. We had a night pack down routine where I would settle the kids and he would wash up etc. the kids mostly were my job but he did look after them so I could do a hobby or go on a night out with friends etc. I think white balanced. The pandemic did change they due to how ill I got and that is a huge grief of mine.

We also had a joint account (that we no longer have). I organised the account because we had got into some debt and I had asked if I could try organising it. We each had an allowance out of it to spend on what we liked and the rest was joint.

In his version of events
I was never the primary care giver to the children, he apparently has always been.
That he has always done " atleast 85% of everything" even before I got sick.
That I "controlled the finances" and spent it all on clothes and things I wanted (we did sometimes argue about me buying things, but I never ever bought out of our joint money and he had full access to our joint account I just organised payments to things)
And he claims that his reaction in the pandemic was more then reasonable considering all of this and I should be grateful that he wanted to make things work and not seperate because he insists if we had "all it would have taken is me to see a solicitor and you would have lost everything" ( I got legal advice at the time and this is not true). He thinks he was entirely justified in the way he treated me because of this.

I am so hurt. This is a huge distortion of reality.
To me the pandemic was a huge life stressers that we both handled badly. He behaved pretty shockingly towards me being so sick, however I understand that it was very difficult and a huge life shift and he was very stressed and I also didn't handle things well at times...and we've moved past it and my health has recovered. To me it was a painful 3 years and things are better now.

He does have a habit of rewriting history on a day to day if he's done something wrong. For example he'll regularly deny he said something or did something or exaggerate about timings or amounts until you show him evidence he did such as screenshots or whatever. He openly admitted for a while his long term memory isn't great and was doing brain training stuff as he was worried about it (which he now also denies he ever said it did).

I don't know what to do or how to move forward now. I'm so hurt he believes such a distorted reality of our pre pandemic life, especially as I gave up my personal goals for a decade to be the stay at home parent.etc.

I feel heavily gasslit. Like I'm going insane. I've been sat going through old bank statements trying to prove to him I never spent from the joint account.

I feel so hurt part of me wants to leave. But also like I don't wish to explode my life or my childrens life right now. When we were thinking of separating before things did get messy and I don't trust it would be a calm seperation. I don't think I would be able to continue my course, and I definitely would have to suspend it as I would be devastated and I don't think I would cope with a seperation and the travel and heavy work load.

And like the children are happy and I want them to have a happy family, and I mean until this conversation I was the happiest I have been since all this happened. Like actually thinking we had saved our marriage.

But I don't know how to carry the hurt from this completely delusional narrative about the past.

Sorry if this was a long read. I just don't know who to talk to about it. My friends developed a dislike of him due to how he was treating me during the pandemic and so everything they say is quite biased, where I have felt like we had moved on from all that.

I'm so sorry your husband has behaved so badly. I think that before you finally decide to separate for good some therapy (not just counselling) would benefit you enormously with what you face.
Your children shouldn't have to grow up in a household of warring parents besides the fact you know you cannot rely on your husband for support should you ever get sick again. I know what Long COVID does to people as my DP still suffers from symptoms and the illness has changed our lives completely.
Good for you for going to university and rekindling your career. Wishing you every success and luck for the future. 💐

This is probably just a wording thing but I want to stress that I did not leave my kids. I didn't have a choice but to move out. We were separating and the situation at home was so toxic that it was not good for the kids. He was not prepared to move out and also when I really considered it the fact was I was still phsycially unwell and was unstable after the breakdown and I was not the best parent to offer a stable environment for the children consistently. So I moved. It caused me a lot of pain to be the moving out parent. I had the kids over 3 nights out of 7 in my tiny one bed house and did all the picking up after school and having them after school. I appreciate that this situation was not ideal for him but I don't want it to seem like I just left my children as I did not.

Um he has been abusive to you op - it's terrible how he treated you when you wernt well. Is he loving and caring to you now? Id definitely be thinking of YOUR future - he can't cope when your ill - he's cruel - that's not healthy - yes to therapy by yourself - you've had a rough time - in sickness and in health it's meant to be.
Start focusing on yourself more - building up an independent life xx

I don't expect him to do more. I'm just shocked and hurt at the way he seems to have rewritten the past in his head to make it seem like I have never contributed anything and have been a continuous thorn in his side that I should be grateful he puts up with because he could, if he wishes just take everything.

I don't expect him to be doing more

I have children similar ages and very similar experiences with long covid, was bed bound etc - so I feel a lot of empathy for you in what you went through. You are totally valid to think back to this period, it is a life changing thing to go through, that level of vulnerability without a clear, known path to recovery or any medical treatment plans. My husband was very practically supportive through this time - he found it hard to emotionally know what to say but he never expressed what you have said, and when I felt a burden (and when he looked so incredibly exhausted) he said how he valued me as me, not blaming ME as the burden, rather understanding it’s a difficult situation for us all. I felt guilty and a burden, and I think it’s really awful that your husband also made you feel this - and worse has rewritten the time before illness, it’s like he’s made it your character not a one-off situation. I’d fundamentally not be able to have a long term future in this relationship, (and bonus - if you break up you can have freedom to move closer to your career opportunities rather than him categorically fix your location without any say in the matter!). Agree with earlier suggestions to get therapy, get a bit sorted and then leave. You’ll make it work - you got through long Covid you can get through anything, that took huge strength which is still within you. This is a hill in comparison to that mountain! Well done on getting your health back - now truly love and value the life that healthy body gives you, free from someone who doesn’t value and respect you deeply enough.

I never said he never wanted me to work. What I said was that he did not want me to go back to work while the children were small because he didn't want us to have to pay for childcare which is how I ended up staying at home. He always said to wait until kids were older and then consider what career I wanted to do and would not entertain other options at that time. That does not mean he never wanted me to work out of the home ever.

I appreciate degrees don't always lead to better work, but in this instance I can't get the job I want to do without the degree and as ive said in other posts the decision to go and do the degree was not me pushing the idea all be dammed. He was very encouraging. I did raise concerns about travel, childcare, impact on us etc and he was very encouraging that I do it anyway as in the long run we'll have 2 hopefully decent incomes.

This is very true.

@HilaryFrog You feel the need to go through bank statements to prove to him something about the spending. You feel the need to show him your tax returns to prove you were self-employed for 7 and a half years, instead of his vague version of a few years.
You have a very strong need to prove yourself right and him wrong, but that is never going to happen. There is no point in trying to force him to see he is wrong.
He believes what he wants to believe, because he deep down needs to see himself in a good light. You believe your version is closer to the truth, but ultimately it doesn't matter what he believes and it is futile to try and get him to see it your way.

Write down your memories, especially about the time you were ill - write down the memories of specific incidents as they come back to you, as clearly and precisely as you can, factually, honestly, with no emotion. Get a lockable diary or journal. Keep it private, there is no point in talking to him about it.
This is not a journal to dump your current emotions into (get another separate one for that if you like), it is an attempt to capture your memories accurately before they fade further - with the caveat that no memory is perfect.

In years to come, once you are qualified and have a good job and life is apparently going well, you may want to read over your memories, to know you are not imagining or making up how he treated you when you were ill. Because that will always be in the back of your mind, nagging at you that this is not a man or a marriage you can rely on if you get ill again.

Thank you. I admit I am struggling with the narrative in this thread that I have to "pay back" the years I was sick instead of trying to better our lives for the long term, especially when he has actively encouraged me to go for the better our lives in the long term option, but I appreciate I asked for perspectives and some perspectives on this will challenge my own.

Oh come on. Who moves their family for a 3 year degree? That’s insane.

let alone driving lessons are expensive and they have one salary? If she was taking longer than usual that means what 9+ months a year??

he is by not means perfect and seems a bit of a shit. They’ve both had a shit time snd neither is covered in glory

Just because he says something doesn’t mean it’s true. Like other posters, I would take what he said with a HUGE piece of salt.

You do not have a long term future with this man. Focus on getting through uni. Start getting your ducks in a row in terms of paperwork and financial information. Do as much as you can manage at home and keep a log of what you are doing. I’d set up an Instagram documenting Mum life at uni/home if you were so inclined. All innocent of course but showing you are well adjusted and all you are doing at home and uni. Social media accounts are often viewed to gain a clear picture of people’s lives….

I’d also seek therapy on your own if you can afford it. I’m seeing a psychotherapist for trauma at the moment and it’s been a revelation. From what I’ve gleaned, I would say there are elements of abuse, gaslighting and power/control here and trauma therapy would really help. My therapist has explained the power dynamics within my relationships and how to navigate them which has been an eye opener and so much more helpful than discussing it friends. It’s very validating. Keep this a secret from him.

Also, avoid having any deep and meaningful conversations about what happened. Nothing good will come if you do. He does not see your perspective and never will. Do not lean on him emotionally. Do not discuss worries and concerns. He will use these against you at a later date otherwise.

You’ve done so well to get to uni and navigate his bullshit. Look at this phase as something you need to get through to get to the next bit.

The debt was joint on his credit card which I didn't have access to so everything spent on it he consciously spent on it. It was spent on household things to set us up in a new home . A holiday for the kids. Christmas one year.
Joint family things basically.
It was not my personal debt built up from me buying stuff for myself.

This is brilliant advice.

He is most likely always going to stubbornly cling on to his version of events. He is not interested in listening to you or hearing you. He is immediately defensive and all that is important to him is being in the right. Your feelings or the actual facts do not enter into it. It will be a losing battle that could drive you mad with frustration if you try and get him to consider the situation empathetically from your perspective. Sounds like he does not have the capability. Bide your time. Stop looking for emotional closure from him on this hard time in your life. You won't get it xxx

This.
This is too much to process and analyse right now
For the sake of your sanity, please freeze it and address at a later stage
Moment by moment OP
Take care

His salary is large now. He's done very well in his career. Big enough to be the equivalent of two normal salaries of two working people. He is high income. Although I have no access to any of that anymore as we no longer share finances, although I obviously benefit from it as he's willing to cover bills and mortgage etc so I am grateful for that.

As for the moving for the degree. My suggestion to move was that the city the degree is in is one which we have family so more support. And also not living rural would be beneficial in getting the work long term. So it wasn't a let's up root for 3 years and move back suggestion it was a suggestion I thought benefited us long term. .
However he doesn't want to move from where we live rural so I just said ok. I'm not going to uproot him and the kids from their home if they arnt on bored. It just means there's now a commute for me to study and have a career.

I thought he said childcare was unaffordable?

If you could afford it was staying home a joint decision?

You also mentioned doing childcare from home. Was it just the one extra boy part time?

Two years for driving lessons is a long time. I can see why he wouldn’t want to keep paying.

For the household items/debt is it possible he disagrees with what was necessary?

OP, a lot of posters are validating your anger and upset here and telling you to LTB. I am not sure this helps you. It feels like you have recently been happy and you can see a life going forward with your DH after a really turbulent time? In which case I’d be asking how you can move on rather than dwelling in the past.

Some posters gave suggested therapy for you and it can only be good especially with your MH issues. I would be surprised if you couldn’t access some taking therapies through your GP especially as you may have PTSD after your long illness.

But I think you have to accept your DH may also have suffered a mental health crisis which has gone unrecognised. He was no doubt terrified by your illness and breakdown, opted out and can only accept his role by rewriting the past and casting himself in the hero role. There is a mention that you did overspend, although not from your joint accounts; he has stepped up to support you in moving forward both practically and presumably financially. So I don’t see him as unsupportive villain, rather as someone who, like you, has been through a lot.

I would focus on the here and now, doing your degree, starting your new career, enjoying your children, and not keep revisiting a really difficult time in both your lives. In a few years time, some of these things will matter and some won’t- at that point you can decide whether you want to go on with this relationship. For now, focus on today.

A couple of things that may have been covered earlier … have a look at Chumplady and read other stories or gaslighting and rewriting history. It may help you to see things more clearly that your man is deeply horrible and manipulative.

Also university, unless things have changed tremendously recently if you separate as a single mother, particularly with a disability, you could be eligible for plenty enough to rent nearby and live, worth looking into.

Finish your course, establish a career, such that you become financially independent,wait for your kids to turn 16-18 and dump him.

If you do not dump him: You will earn more money, your lifestyle will improve, you will become empty nesters and go on holidays. This period of your husband being useless will be forgotten. Life is good = he is the best husband.

But if you ever develop another chromic illness (do you have a genetic suseptibility for autimmune conditions). He will dump you. He will take half the money. You will live alone in straitened circumstances, with no helpmeet.

Staying home was initially a joint decision. After a couple of years I wanted to contribute financially and took up minding. After a year of that I said that maybe it wasn't a good fit for me. I was a decent carer to the children and had a wait list but I struggled to do childcare and keep the house tidy and the wrap around hours were very long. I also was pretty lonely as it was mostly me and the kids all the time and felt like I'd lost my identity just being essentially "mum and paid mum" I wanted to go into work outside the home. This caused arguments as he was not prepared for us to factor in the cost of childcare. He told me to think of the family and just wait until they were older.

He said the childcare was an expense he wasn't prepared to factor in, as he felt it was unaffordable and would dint our income for the sake of me working out of the house. I felt like considering my wage as a minder was low the childcare coming from our wages would have balanced out and I would have been happier but he wasn't in board.

When I was minding I had 3 out of the 6 under 8 ration full. So I had one extra child all day and then after school I had 2 extra children and then in the school holidays I would have that and a couple of other 8s too. I worked 6:30 - 6:30 every day but most of the hours were very low pay due to the ratio issue.

I think with he debt he probably does disagree now with what was nessiccary however it was all on his card all paid for by him so he had full approval of things and some stuff was his suggestion..so it was debt we collectively got in not debt I ran up whilst he objected. We were niaeve and haven't been in lots of debt since it was sorted.

Thank you this a helpful perspective. I was happy again until this conversation I feel. Ultimately I just want to move on from the whole difficult pandemic illness years. It's just hard sometimes with the amount of hurt that was caused. He probably feels like this too

I agree with this completely. If the treshold for 'gaslighting' is 'having a different opinion of what happened', couldn't the husband equally accuse the OP of gaslighting him?

Don't really know what to advise but just wanted to express solidarity dealing with someone who has rewritten history.

I think your friend is right that people do this when they feel guilt about their own behaviour so in order to live with them selves they need to invent a version that suits them.

The problem is that when you are on the other side of it, it can drive you insane because it activates the impotent frustration explosive charge in so many ways.

You KNOW it is garbage but they will not be deviated from their nonsense. It is SO angry and frustration making because they are destorting the truth. Usually the rewritten garbage is also very far from reality because its their self serving nonsense -but for some reason even though you know this, it drives you crazy because you feel it is wrong for these lies to exist even in their little wordl.

I had this with a sibling who rewrote history in a truly shocking way. I expect Prince William feels like this about Prince Harry. It makes you want to smack your head against a wall in frustration at the lies.

I feel your revision pain @HilaryFrog

So essentially he forced you to be a SAHM by refusing to countenance paying for childcare, which kept you isolated at home.

Nobody can change the past

You are working on your future

You have both done well to recover from the strains of the pandemic

I would ask at the uni if they have any contacts to any self help or therapy groups. The uni should have a huge library; suggest àsking there.

I would suggest, that you put your time & energy into completing your degree & investigating what jobs previous students secured.

A driving licence opens up opportunities

If you split in the future, it may be so.
However, you will be stronger & look forward to your freedom !

This is based on wild speculation. There is no evidence DH suffered a mental health crisis - was he diagnosed? seek treatment? was he an inpatient any where like OP? Nor is that there any evidence he was “terrified” by OP’s illness. The evidence we have was that he was angry and unsympathetic, indeed treated her so badly that she ended up with a mental health breakdown.

When a man is controlling financially his version of “overspending” can simply mean purchasing staples for children or adults that goes over his allotted allowance - which may be insufficient, or is unaware of how much things actually cost as he’s not the one doing the shopping.

He has stepped up now to facilitate a degree for OP now that he perceives it to benefit to him, but refused to move to make study or finding a job after easier.