Husband completely rewritten history and I'm hurt

[HilaryFrog]

Husband has completely written history to paint me badly and I am hurt and I don't know what to do.

During the pandemic my marriage almost fell apart. He had to work from home and I developed Long Covid after getting very sick with covid and was bed bound for 10 months, I still did some things but I had to spend hours in bed I was so unwell and it took a couple of years to regain full physical ability. This caused our marriage to become extremely strained, of which the situation in the house became very toxic, we are argued all the time, things became very heated, he resented me for being sick and felt I was a burden, I resented him for how badly he was treating me for being sick. The situation resulted in me having a serious mental breakdown which required hospital admission, he never visited me and we separated. I was unwell and stayed elsewhere as we felt it was in the childrens interest that I was the one to move out as I was too ill at the time to be their main carer and they needed some stability.

After time apart we rekindled our relationship. We felt this was in the best interest of our children and also we were getting on really well. The passion returned and I feel like now we have a good relationship. Or so I thought.

A year ago I went back into education to get a career of my own. This has meant that the dynamic in the house has changed, and whilst I once was the childrens primary caregiver, he now is, as my university is a 4 hour round commute away. This is not ideal however he did not wish to move and this is the closest uni that did the course I wanted. We both agreed to do this.

At the weekend we were talking and I mentioned something I had been upset about, he asked me to elaborate and I said " actually I think it's best we don't talk about this you will get defensive and I don't want to fight". Although we get on now we don't really discuss what happened during the pandemic. He always gets very defensive and it's not worth the fight. My friends believe this is because he has a hard time accepting that he didn't handle things well and behaved abusively at times during that period. Unfortunately this has meant that I have been left with some painful things I carry about it I feel have never had a resolve. He said "no it's ok let's talk about it I won't get defensive".

So we did talk. He didn't get defensive. What he did do was present a history that is entirely rewritten.

Before i got sick I was the childrens primary care giver. I ran a childcare business from home and was a stay at home mum. I wanted to get a carer of my own but he said we couldn't afford the childcare. I did majority of the cooking in the week, often having dinner cooking for when he got in and all the emotional labour and care around the kids. The house would get on top of me alot so he would often come home to a mess, sometimes a huge mess due to me trying to juggle dinner for lots of children, kids reading and homework and the last few hours of the day always seemed to get away with me and he would have to help me tidy up when he came home. I did most of the cleaning that wasn't these daily reset tasks however he would do the big pull everything out feel cleans. I tried to follow that organised mum thing. I would say he did more in the house then many men do but it was fairly balanced between us. We had a night pack down routine where I would settle the kids and he would wash up etc. the kids mostly were my job but he did look after them so I could do a hobby or go on a night out with friends etc. I think white balanced. The pandemic did change they due to how ill I got and that is a huge grief of mine.

We also had a joint account (that we no longer have). I organised the account because we had got into some debt and I had asked if I could try organising it. We each had an allowance out of it to spend on what we liked and the rest was joint.

In his version of events
I was never the primary care giver to the children, he apparently has always been.
That he has always done " atleast 85% of everything" even before I got sick.
That I "controlled the finances" and spent it all on clothes and things I wanted (we did sometimes argue about me buying things, but I never ever bought out of our joint money and he had full access to our joint account I just organised payments to things)
And he claims that his reaction in the pandemic was more then reasonable considering all of this and I should be grateful that he wanted to make things work and not seperate because he insists if we had "all it would have taken is me to see a solicitor and you would have lost everything" ( I got legal advice at the time and this is not true). He thinks he was entirely justified in the way he treated me because of this.

I am so hurt. This is a huge distortion of reality.
To me the pandemic was a huge life stressers that we both handled badly. He behaved pretty shockingly towards me being so sick, however I understand that it was very difficult and a huge life shift and he was very stressed and I also didn't handle things well at times...and we've moved past it and my health has recovered. To me it was a painful 3 years and things are better now.

He does have a habit of rewriting history on a day to day if he's done something wrong. For example he'll regularly deny he said something or did something or exaggerate about timings or amounts until you show him evidence he did such as screenshots or whatever. He openly admitted for a while his long term memory isn't great and was doing brain training stuff as he was worried about it (which he now also denies he ever said it did).

I don't know what to do or how to move forward now. I'm so hurt he believes such a distorted reality of our pre pandemic life, especially as I gave up my personal goals for a decade to be the stay at home parent.etc.

I feel heavily gasslit. Like I'm going insane. I've been sat going through old bank statements trying to prove to him I never spent from the joint account.

I feel so hurt part of me wants to leave. But also like I don't wish to explode my life or my childrens life right now. When we were thinking of separating before things did get messy and I don't trust it would be a calm seperation. I don't think I would be able to continue my course, and I definitely would have to suspend it as I would be devastated and I don't think I would cope with a seperation and the travel and heavy work load.

And like the children are happy and I want them to have a happy family, and I mean until this conversation I was the happiest I have been since all this happened. Like actually thinking we had saved our marriage.

But I don't know how to carry the hurt from this completely delusional narrative about the past.

Sorry if this was a long read. I just don't know who to talk to about it. My friends developed a dislike of him due to how he was treating me during the pandemic and so everything they say is quite biased, where I have felt like we had moved on from all that.

Everything you describe about your husband seems like he is just an enormous millstone round your neck. He doesn't seem to add any value or positivity to your day to day living.

bide your time, get your degree or whatever the qualification is and plan your longer term life without him. You probably can't do much atm, but plan for the future. He sounds dreadful, unsupportive and not worthy of your head space.

I think you are wrong thinking he feels bad about how he treated you when you were sick. I think this is classic excusing him because you assume he is like you and has empathy and a conscience. It is hard to imagine, but some people just don’t. They are abusive, selfish and cruel.

What if he gets defensive and doesn’t apologise because he doesn’t feel any guilt whatsoever and just wants to turn it on you, so you blame yourself? Do his actions make a lot more sense if you view him as lacking in empathy? Try reading ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy bancroft

He sounds awful to me, not just how he treated you when you were sick (and not useful to him anymore) but how he treated you before and after

I agree with this , tbh.

6:45am to 7pm four days a week, while he works full time and looks after the kids so you do one day, and share things at the weekend.
Tbh even before you unfortunately got ill, from your own description, it sounds like he’s always done a lot around the house.

I’m sorry you got ill. It sounds horrendous but I can certainly see his point of view.

Even with starting this course, you say you both agreed. I suppose that was his only option of a response to your suggestion of 12 hour days out of the house for 3 years whilst he pretty much does everything for your home and children. I don’t get the impression that just as good rekindled your relationship, you’d have been happy with a no to that tbh.

No one rewrites history. People have different interpretations.

Few things in your post that are concerning:

1. You don't seem to understand that people have different interpretations about the past. Instead, you want a consolidated and agreed 'history'. This suggests that you need an anchor, possibly because without it your life doesn't make sense to you.
2. When someone's seriously sick, including when they have a mental health crisis, they miss out on processing a bunch of stuff because they're not 'all there'. As someone who has had a mental breakdown (25 years ago now), I know there are some large holes in my memory and it was very hard for me to feel safe / trust other people's narratives. It sort of felt as if they were lying to me.
3. You're still ruminating on a conversation you had at the weekend, and keep repeating certain phrases. Potentially, you're going round in circles in your own mind. Sounds as if you're under a lot of stress at the moment - kids, commute, course, etc. When I'm under a lot of stress, my OCD comes out to play and I'm like a dog with a stick.
4. Lots of big changes, e.g. going to university and now considering whether you're going to stay in the marriage. People who make huge changes are often looking for something. Not everyone finds it.

Here's what helped me: therapy. Because the thing is, you don't need to agree an interpretation with him, or your friends, or anyone on MN. Instead, you need to agree an interpretation with yourself that you don't need validating by others. That's how you'll feel safe.

As you're at uni, your first port of call will be student services. Also, maybe ask them to help you apply for PIP so you can actually pay for any therapy should you need to go private.

Looking at it from your husband’s point of view it sounds like he did do a lot. You were bed bound for several months while he coped with everything and then you left your kids and husband after your breakdown to live elsewhere. I’m not saying this is right or wrong but maybe he also harbours resentment for how he had to cope. Now you are travelling 4 hours a day for your university course and once again he is having to pull his weight with the kids and home. There are two sides to every story and from my point of view he seems to do a lot. If you want to stay together you need to stop harking back to the pandemic and move forward.

I can see you've had a really tough time with being ill. But I think he has more than pulled his weight here. He's done everything while you were ill, plus all the stress associated with that, and now you've got a ridiculous commute. I also wouldn't uproot my kids to move close to a fixed term posting which a three year course is. If anyone is divorcing anyone it should be him, and now, and that is what people would be saying if the roles were reversed.

Sorry I op I don’t think you two are compatible and it was a big mistake to get back together. It is never a good idea to get back for the sake of children. Ever.

You’ve both gone through shit and he’s not dealt with it well. It does sound like he is inevitably knackered.

You say you both agreed with you going to uni, fair enough, but that still doesn’t mean it was the right decision for your family or that you both underestimated the toll it would take. So it’s also about how you deal with that.

I know a lot of people are saying suck it up until you graduate, but i can’t help but think about your poor kids living in this toxic and resentful environment. So the next step I would personally take is legal advice to see where you stand if you were to leave now tbh.

I don’t think I could move past how he behaved when you were ill- making you feel like a burden, adding to your stress with arguments and then not visiting you in hospital.
My own relationship is far from perfect but when I became ill this year - involving hospitalisation, a period of time when I was completely immobile and then almost housebound for several months he was amazing. At my side in hospital even though has significant disability himself and had just returned to full time work, supporting me practically and emotionally, keeping my extended family informed. Never once made me feel like a burden and believe me I was not handling my own situation very well at times. It reminded me of why we were together in the first place.
I could never trust a man ( or anyone) who intentionally abandoned me in illness.
I think you should carefully plan to leave. Don’t rush it - finish your course so you are in a stronger position career wise and also not commuting so much. Find a good solicitor. Stay strong - you deserve so much more than this.

Tbh OP your post does seem all a bit me me me when it sounds like your husband has taken a fair weight of pressure for the family, for a very long time?

Like a PP I'm quite surprised that once we'll you've opted for a uni degree 2 hours away 4 days a week rather than contributing more to the family now that you're able. Uni degrees don't really lead to higher salaries anymore like they used to, and it's a huge amount of debt to have taken on tbh - you probably would have been better off just getting a normal job, close to home.
You must be paying an absolute fortune in train fares every day too which would probably have been better spent on learning to drive.

You paint a narrative of your husband as this controlling man who never wanted you to work outside the home but it doesn't ring quite true to me when he's now continued as primary caregiver to enable you to do this.

If i were you I'd be talking to the uni about options to take a year out or go part time and start earning again. At the moment he is facilitating this, you are aware of it which is why you are delaying separating, he will be aware of it too, which is why he may well not.

This is part of what mumsnet refers to as getting your ducks in a row. Sorry, but I dont think you can put this off.

I'm not saying your husband is in the right but he must have picked up an incredible load during that time and I can see how that might have skewed things in his mind.

I worked from home while caring for small children and it was bloody hard. My husband did at least come home to relieve some of it. Doing that and having a sick wife must have been tough. I felt a lot of resentment even though it wasn't his fault he had to work out of the home.

Are you both trapped in a who had it worse cycle? He's not acknowledging your role in the family but have you acknowledged his? This is a genuine question, not a dig (I have no idea if the wider dynamics of your relationship).

It's just by saying he gets defensive it sounds as though he is hearing criticism, even if this isn't what's intended. And so he's giving it back.

I don't know what the best option is long term but I think short term you both need some help to communicate your feelings better and to feel heard.

Have you ever heard the term "financial abuse"? He encouraged you to go to uni, but he won't do joint finances, so you're permanently skint.

He's playing a long game that looks like divorcing you once you've got your degree, because the financial settlement will take into account your increased future earning potential. And how convenient that you have separate accounts so that you can't see how much money he has and where it's squirreled away.

Bed bound for ten months after COVID? 😮
Hope that's over for you.
When you practically can, start living alone.
❤️

you have BOTH had a rough time, and both of you will take time to forgive and forget.

Honestly I wouldn’t take this conversation to heart. If you are content and he is content, then let things rumble on without these deep and meaningful conversations.

Speaking personally - if I was bedbound unable to take care of my kids for ten months, and then hospitalised and then absent from the home due to marital breakdown, there is no way I’d be doing a degree that took me out of the house 4 days a week so I didn’t see my kids at breakfast and I wasn’t there for pickups and clubs and play dates and homework and dinner. I would desperately want to prove myself to my dh again, and to rebuild what must be some very disrupted relationships with my kids. You’re basically just sleeping there. He’s still doing the parenting and working full time. I think he’s pretty heroic and if he needs to rewrite history in his head to handle the fact you are back but still basically living a life of your own without trying to make up for al that lost time, I’d probably let him.

One of you will end up divorcing, sounds like a given. So as others have said, acknowledge that fact, finished your course and plan for the eventuality.

Tbf to your husband he has done the lions share of childcare and breadwinning for years. I don’t think thats so much of a problem but he definitely holds some resentment for it. It does seem like you were basically absent for large blocks of time. Covid/moving out/now uni. Tbh I can understand where he’s coming from. I don’t think he’s a millstone around your neck I think he’s basically been there working away at it for years. You have both had difficulties but I think as long as you both believe that you were/are both doing your best under the circumstances, thats what matters.

Have to say I agree with this.

Let’s go back to the very beginning. You wanted a career from the start but he controlled you into being a SAHM running a PT business from home by claiming you “couldn’t afford childcare”.

That’s not actually true is it. And that’s not for him to make the final judgment about it should have been a joint decision.

Then he makes sure you can’t drive by paying for some lessons and stopping arbitrarily as you didn’t learn fast enough (some people just take longer than others).

What’s the betting living “rurally” was his choice too?

So everything that follows from the point of you getting ill is the line of a controlling angry man who lashes out when things don’t go exactly his way.

If you get sick it’s your fault, you’re a burden and no he won’t visit you in hospital when you have a breakdown from his treatment.

For all the posters saying it must have been hard for him - look at Kate Garraway. Look at all the women running jobs, kids, families, with men who are too disabled to work. And with you it was only temporary.

This relationship is worse than you think OP, worse than some posters have clocked.

I agree it would be in your interest to finish your uni course, get some individual therapy with a view to separating in time. My long term plan would be to move to a town where you’re less isolated, transport is easier, and jobs are more plentiful, and childcare is easier to find.

She’s the one who lives with him. It’s clear from her posts he’s controlling, and some aspects of his behaviour she has meekly accepted without even registering it as control.

He wanted her to go to uni so she could get a graduate job with better earning potential than minimum wage childcare.

Agreed. Must be hard for him to see you're just using him in order to do a degree and aren't invested in family life.

So the degree was as much his choice as OP’s. He wants her to increase her earning potential.

When she wanted to build a career he was adamant she had to be a SAHM and only work PT from home.

OP facilitated his career for 10 years and ran her life around him. He won’t acknowledge that at all. And now he’s adamant she needs to earn more so she’s off to uni.

Except he won’t move despite the fact that might make their life easier on all fronts. Because he likes her controlled and isolated and dependent on him to drive.

So when you were caring for the kids you were a SAHM.

When he was he was also working full time & looking after you & again now he is working full time & dropping the kids off.

I can see why in his head you had it easier when caring for the kids than he has.

However, if he prevented you from re starting your career 10yrs ago then perhaps what is happening now is what would have happened then?

Only the kids are older so it's easier?

Agreed. I don’t think he feels bad at all.

A key quote from OP for me is that he made her feel like the ‘bad guy’ before she was ill and he’s made her feel like the ‘bad guy’ ever since.

This is a typical control tactic to keep the partner on the backfoot and force a narrative that they are always in the wrong.

You can’t live in a relationship like that.

Bide your time, get your degree, a driving licence, build up a running away fund and move on without him. I think you've worked out he's making life as difficult as he possibly can to try and prevent you moving forward and bettering yourself. The way he carried on when you had long covid is a huge red flag.

Sorry to say this but he HAS picked up a huge amount of childcare and tidying etc while working. Many people wouldn’t tolerate this.