Husband completely rewritten history and I'm hurt

[HilaryFrog]

Husband has completely written history to paint me badly and I am hurt and I don't know what to do.

During the pandemic my marriage almost fell apart. He had to work from home and I developed Long Covid after getting very sick with covid and was bed bound for 10 months, I still did some things but I had to spend hours in bed I was so unwell and it took a couple of years to regain full physical ability. This caused our marriage to become extremely strained, of which the situation in the house became very toxic, we are argued all the time, things became very heated, he resented me for being sick and felt I was a burden, I resented him for how badly he was treating me for being sick. The situation resulted in me having a serious mental breakdown which required hospital admission, he never visited me and we separated. I was unwell and stayed elsewhere as we felt it was in the childrens interest that I was the one to move out as I was too ill at the time to be their main carer and they needed some stability.

After time apart we rekindled our relationship. We felt this was in the best interest of our children and also we were getting on really well. The passion returned and I feel like now we have a good relationship. Or so I thought.

A year ago I went back into education to get a career of my own. This has meant that the dynamic in the house has changed, and whilst I once was the childrens primary caregiver, he now is, as my university is a 4 hour round commute away. This is not ideal however he did not wish to move and this is the closest uni that did the course I wanted. We both agreed to do this.

At the weekend we were talking and I mentioned something I had been upset about, he asked me to elaborate and I said " actually I think it's best we don't talk about this you will get defensive and I don't want to fight". Although we get on now we don't really discuss what happened during the pandemic. He always gets very defensive and it's not worth the fight. My friends believe this is because he has a hard time accepting that he didn't handle things well and behaved abusively at times during that period. Unfortunately this has meant that I have been left with some painful things I carry about it I feel have never had a resolve. He said "no it's ok let's talk about it I won't get defensive".

So we did talk. He didn't get defensive. What he did do was present a history that is entirely rewritten.

Before i got sick I was the childrens primary care giver. I ran a childcare business from home and was a stay at home mum. I wanted to get a carer of my own but he said we couldn't afford the childcare. I did majority of the cooking in the week, often having dinner cooking for when he got in and all the emotional labour and care around the kids. The house would get on top of me alot so he would often come home to a mess, sometimes a huge mess due to me trying to juggle dinner for lots of children, kids reading and homework and the last few hours of the day always seemed to get away with me and he would have to help me tidy up when he came home. I did most of the cleaning that wasn't these daily reset tasks however he would do the big pull everything out feel cleans. I tried to follow that organised mum thing. I would say he did more in the house then many men do but it was fairly balanced between us. We had a night pack down routine where I would settle the kids and he would wash up etc. the kids mostly were my job but he did look after them so I could do a hobby or go on a night out with friends etc. I think white balanced. The pandemic did change they due to how ill I got and that is a huge grief of mine.

We also had a joint account (that we no longer have). I organised the account because we had got into some debt and I had asked if I could try organising it. We each had an allowance out of it to spend on what we liked and the rest was joint.

In his version of events
I was never the primary care giver to the children, he apparently has always been.
That he has always done " atleast 85% of everything" even before I got sick.
That I "controlled the finances" and spent it all on clothes and things I wanted (we did sometimes argue about me buying things, but I never ever bought out of our joint money and he had full access to our joint account I just organised payments to things)
And he claims that his reaction in the pandemic was more then reasonable considering all of this and I should be grateful that he wanted to make things work and not seperate because he insists if we had "all it would have taken is me to see a solicitor and you would have lost everything" ( I got legal advice at the time and this is not true). He thinks he was entirely justified in the way he treated me because of this.

I am so hurt. This is a huge distortion of reality.
To me the pandemic was a huge life stressers that we both handled badly. He behaved pretty shockingly towards me being so sick, however I understand that it was very difficult and a huge life shift and he was very stressed and I also didn't handle things well at times...and we've moved past it and my health has recovered. To me it was a painful 3 years and things are better now.

He does have a habit of rewriting history on a day to day if he's done something wrong. For example he'll regularly deny he said something or did something or exaggerate about timings or amounts until you show him evidence he did such as screenshots or whatever. He openly admitted for a while his long term memory isn't great and was doing brain training stuff as he was worried about it (which he now also denies he ever said it did).

I don't know what to do or how to move forward now. I'm so hurt he believes such a distorted reality of our pre pandemic life, especially as I gave up my personal goals for a decade to be the stay at home parent.etc.

I feel heavily gasslit. Like I'm going insane. I've been sat going through old bank statements trying to prove to him I never spent from the joint account.

I feel so hurt part of me wants to leave. But also like I don't wish to explode my life or my childrens life right now. When we were thinking of separating before things did get messy and I don't trust it would be a calm seperation. I don't think I would be able to continue my course, and I definitely would have to suspend it as I would be devastated and I don't think I would cope with a seperation and the travel and heavy work load.

And like the children are happy and I want them to have a happy family, and I mean until this conversation I was the happiest I have been since all this happened. Like actually thinking we had saved our marriage.

But I don't know how to carry the hurt from this completely delusional narrative about the past.

Sorry if this was a long read. I just don't know who to talk to about it. My friends developed a dislike of him due to how he was treating me during the pandemic and so everything they say is quite biased, where I have felt like we had moved on from all that.

This. Step back. Plan long term.

OP as people are still learning about the long-term effects of Covid and in fact, it's possible that he was affected by it also and potentially developed brain fog, which as published in an article in Yale Medicine, For most people, Long COVID brain fog eventually goes away, but it still can have a life-altering impact. “It’s definitely not subtle,” says neurologist Lindsay McAlpine, MD, who directs the Yale Medicine NeuroCovid Clinic and works with neurologist Serena Spudich, MD, MS, to research Long COVID-related cognitive dysfunction. Succinctly, he could have developed it and his neurological make up has altered his memory of events, which is a symptom. I'm not saying you should discount your feelings by any means, but Covid was a "shit show" and they're still learning more and more about how it changed people. He likely grew up in an environment that men don't admit their health has anything wrong to do with them. Just keep your mask and foremost, and then worry about everyone else's masks later - just as you're instructed on an airplane in the event of an emergency. If you're not good, how can you help anyone else?

The thing is that a lot of this is perspective and isn't necessarily wrong.

I know that my SAHP believes he is doing it because i wanted him to, that he does/did 90% of the childcare and housework and did it all to facilitate my career. Oh and there has never been any childcare so he could also) have a career or job.
I see it- he wanted to do it- i have never wanted to have a SAHP and have repeatedly asked him to work. We've arranged childcare to cover him working when needed (he used to do a couple of evenings a week and i couldn't get back in time) - DS was in nursery for 3 days a week (for the first 3 years I took him ) - i was responsible for childcare for the weekends and was wfh for one of the other days - we had/have a cleaner. I do all life admin. DP theoretically cooks but makes no effort to make things i like now ( we used to do Hello Fresh)
DP never had a decent job - i paid for him to retrain (although i didn't think its viable)

But DP really does think he sacrificed everything- in reality he has done what he wanted to do but finds it hard to justify

we did therapy and it still didn't reconcile the views - he genuinely believes what he believes
i think part of it for your DP is is has to think this otherwise he'd have to consider how he has acted and that might be untenable for him

Are you able to say taht you have a different view- what does he say

I'm biased because I can't believe that you got back together with him after how he acted during the pandemic. But since you did - why are you now allowing him to rewrite history? Yes, he's told you a version of what happened and you disagree with it based on your life experience and the facts. Why aren't you incredulously pushing back, just up front saying "no, that's not what happened!!" You say you're combing through old receipts to disprove his claims - WHY? You KNOW he's wrong. Stay with him or not, that's your choice, but if you let him lie to you and you accept it, you do yourself a lot of damage and you're never going to have any peace of mind.

Look, he sounds horrible and you should plan for a future without him. However, whilst his recollection might not be completely accurate, do you need to really consider how much he has actually done. Whilst he may have been an absolute bastard to you, he did keep the household going financially and practically whilst you were ill and now he’s doing it again.
Honestly, I wouldn’t have done the uni course with that commute after being bedridden and mentally unwell for a significant chunk of the children’s lives. It must have been really traumatic for them. You’ve started though, so finish it. If you do get a job in a different town, I take it your days would still be long due to travelling and he’ll still be picking up the lions share of the household stuff and parenting? It might be that he is encouraging you to do this not for financial contributions but to make you the absent parent and you’re letting him.

Carry on doing your course. It is probably good for you to see different people and places after being ill and working for so long as a child minder. Yes, he is selfish in many ways but useful in some so be selfish and make the most of it. You aren’t ready or don’t want to leave him which is fine and probably best for now. Maybe save the therapy for yourself for after your course so you don’t have too much to deal with? How long were you in the mental health unit for? It is pretty unforgivable that he didn’t visit you. Some people are good at emotionally detaching themselves and seeing a different version to how someone else would see things.

I agree with pp you need to play the long game and this is not the relationship for the long term.

what is your degree in? Is it something that after this year you could complete remotely? do the OU offer it so you could transfer your existing credit and complete it on a part time basis?

You could then start to look for a job in the industry at junior entry level so when you qualify you already have at least a year experience and are ready to hit the ground running.

if you have a wage you can also expedite your escape.

I think obviously you went through a lot with CFS post covid and MH issues. But I don’t see from your posts the acknowledgment that he went through a lot too. WFH and looking after the kids FT would have been so hard for him too and I imagine even a saint would build up resentment if their spouse spent most of that time in bed. It’s no wonder you both separated imho. However you have decided to try again, he is supporting you with your degree, personally if all is good now I would leave the past in the past. If you want to talk about it maybe get personal counselling instead?

As pp said park it with him. You can get therapy for yourself and I suggest you do.

I agree with this. We ALL think that our memories are 100% genuine but honestly a memory is just your own personal perspective of an event. And every time you remember it, you remember the memory of the memory, not the actual event. Over time your memories warp and distort very easily. It’s not necessarily his fault any more than it’s yours, but rather could be the result of a Very Scary Time where he was terrified his wife was really ill and couldn’t contribute in any way at all to the income, children or home. I imagine that would be very stressful for all of you and he may well have formed this memories as a form of self protection. Is also possible that you were so focused on your own declining health that you hadn’t considered the impact that the entire thing had on him and your kids. I know first hand, serious illness can be all consuming and I totally underestimated the toll it took on my family as I was so wrapped up with finding the correct treatment to try and get mobile again.

But I don’t see from your posts the acknowledgment that he went through a lot too.
OP has acknowledged this in more than one post. For example:
”I understand he was plunged into the role of not only a carer to me but a carer to the children whilst needing to provide and he didn't know how to deal with that”,
and
”I think he probably experienced carers burnout in the situation which then led to him behaving how he did.”

She also ”sent off some enquiries about some personal therapy yesterday”, so she’s already looking into personal counselling.

That’s ridiculous. He doesn’t sound like a very nice man op.

I suspect the truth is in the middle of both your versions. You have your view of the situation, and him, his.

From an outsiders perspective, based on what you've written - before the pandemic, he worked full time, was the breadwinner, came home to huge messes (as you put it) frequently, and you had debt.
Sadly then you became ill, bedbound for 10 months, but not able to do much for years, meaning he had to WFH, be your carer, be sole parent, and manage all the house on his own. You then became further unwell mentally, requiring hospital admission.
Now, almost 6 years post pandemic, he is still working FT, the breadwinner, doing a large proportion of the house/kids still, whilst you can follow your dream career. There are still money issues. You can't drive, and there's not been the funds to allow this, so is another job only he can do.

I am not saying you are a burden, and I am not saying how you have spoken to one another is ok, but that was/is a lot of responsibility and pressure for one person, which has been going on for years, and still at least another 18 months to go. Yet, there was something that drew you back together. He might not want to, or be ready for counselling, but you can go. Or, if you really do feel he was abusive and can't see past it, life is too short, so leave now. You have seperated before, and know how independent you can be.

He sounds like he has a victim mentality get you qualifications, get a job and leave him but don’t be surprised by him telling everyone you used him to get you degree, the whining git.

So a man had to do what the majority of women do each day without complaint and he wants a medal!! He’s shown he clearly couldn’t cope with the children on his own due to his treated of you when you were ill, I bet if he had been ill you would have managed it all. Men are useless.
I would finish your uni course and ensure the job you get means you are doing the majority of the child care, will your new career allow you to work from home? Get legal advice, save your money and get your ducks in a row, you can’t rely on him if you become ill again yet if he becomes ill he would expect you to do it all with no complaint,
The fact he won’t go to counselling says it all, he doesn’t care and he knows he was abusive.
good luck OP

You'll both have different views on what happened and you will both have rewritten history to a certain extent. If you want to stay together then you probably need to move on from the past.

I was going to suggest seeing if the OP can transfer to the OU after year 2 as well.

You need to talk to a DV charity OP. What you’re experiencing is coercive control. Then you need to talk to the Uni. Explain what is happening and ask then for support and if they can help with the transfer to the OU. The Uni might alao be able to facilitate Counselling.

Do you have a DF or relative that can help with driving lessons?

In so many of these threads you see MNers with abusive DP/DH living remotely and not being able to drive. Being isolated like that really does sound like a form of control.

Go and see a solicitor. This isn't good advice. The starting point for all divorces is 50/50, and it's a no fault process so it doesn't matter who "caused" the marriage to break down.

For example, my exH was never a caregiver, didn't earn money, and also had a "bad memory" that allowed him to rewrite history. When we divorced I still had to pay him 50% of the value of our house that I had bought and paid for whilst also looking after the DC.

You should see a solicitor and then consider divorce. You can't stay in a relationship with someone that treats you this way.

This. Men who are shitty when you are ill are so nasty to live with. Plus, I couldn't put up with someone who had 'forgotten' my contribution to the household so completely. He doesn't respect you.

@HilaryFrog I'm not so sure whether this is a matter of rewriting history or of very different perceptions of the same situation.
It sounds as though your DH has actually always done his share, albeit with resentment when you were ill which is not uncommon.
Your decision to do 4 very long days a week at uni with dependant children places much more of the parenting and household burden on him again. So actually he seems more supportive than many/most would be.
Unless you can both draw a line under Covid and view the current situation as beneficial to the family in the medium to longer term I couldn't see a way forward tbh.

You either need to go to joint therapy or to leave. Staying and doing nothing isn’t an option.

It is not recommended to do joint therapy with an abusive partner

You may feel its history re written but then he may feel your version is history re written.
you’ve admitted yourself you struggled to get the house in order and be on top of stuff for your childminding work plus the debt. I’m sure some of he believes didn’t happen that way but then the same came be said the other way round. Maybe some therapy is needed for you both?

Oh OP I'm sorry. This sounds awful. I don't agree with the posters saying you haven't acknowledged enough how hard it was on him. I think you're bending over backwards to try to account for and excuse what you know is appalling behaviour from a spouse.

You supported him as he built his career and then he was abusive to you when you were unwell. Your mental health understandably fell apart and he refused to visit you while you were in psychiatric care. He resents your lack of financial contribution from when you were raising his children and when you got ill. He won't support you to learn to drive, won't move house, won't go to counselling, won't share finances, and now seemingly won't even acknowledge what a shit he's been. It's no wonder you're hurt.

Relationships can recover from breaches of trust and resentment but it's a long hard road that requires investment, honesty, and self-reflection on both sides. From your posts, it doesn't sound like you have the ingredients for success with this man, who sounds controlling, mean, and angry.

You deserve a relationship built on mutual support, kindness, love, and respect. I hope you find the strength to leave if that isn't what you have. Best of luck!

He has shown you who he is.
I cannot get past the fact that he didn’t visit you in hospital.
Start planning your exit .
Do what other posters have suggested. Start getting your ducks in a row as the saying goes.