DH hobby job and my terminal illness

[roundandroundthegarden123]

this is a long one and I’ve not posted before so please be kind. My DH has had a job which involves a lot of talent (think woodwork) but has never made lots of money. Hes never saved and I’ve always paid for most things. He can work in other capacities during the week but chooses to do it at weekends (6/8) weekend days a month.

He has done this since my eldest was born (10 years old). We have an 8 and 3 year old. One child has complex medical needs and other is autistic. I really struggle to leave the house with the 3 of them alone. On top of this I’ve recently been diagnosed with a life limiting condition.

Ive been begging him to change jobs for years to no avail. He tells me he’s sick of hearing me moan about it and he won’t change. I work full time week days when the children are at school/nursery and pay 50% mortgage, all of the bills, childcare, food, petrol, holidays, presents, meals out, etc. He pays 50% mortgage and that’s it - but he often dips into the joint account for stock for his job so doesn’t quite end up 50% and I need to top the mortgage up.

Im really tired and have employed a carer to help at weekends, but it’s not the same as spending time as a family. We’ve had a blazing row where he’s basically told me I’ve got to just put up with it. When I told him how I felt and how I haven’t got long left to live and want to spend time as a family he said he’s sick of hearing the same thing and ‘what are you going to do about it then?’. He said I’m like a broken record.

Ive asked for nothing from him and have continued to work since my diagnosis, so that we can afford everything. Hes been encouraging me to take more work on too. I feel used and said I don’t want to do this anymore. He’s reminded me that it we divorce I’ll ’have to do the weekends by myself anyway as he will refuse’

Im thinking of refusing further life prolonging treatment as I just don’t want to live like this anymore. I love my kids and I’m so scared what will happen when I’m not here

OP your story is obviously heartbreaking.
You sound like you are at breaking point and I am not surprised.
Please go to your GP and get yourself signed off work for a few weeks with stress. You need to get help before it is too late.
People who have breakdowns do so because they leave it too late to get help, please OP I implore you don't get into that situation, you need help now and quickly.
Your GP is your first port of call and you need counselling. Please also speak to the breast care nurses to see what help is available, you need to reach out and you need some self care.
Good luck OP my heart goes out to you x

What a shocker this man is. Filthy of him not to help the family now, just hide away instead.

From what @Alicorn1707 says above it looks like you could prevent him from taking the house by leaving it to your children, but any immediate assets like cash he can get his hands on. A lot of people have asked but you haven't clearly responded OP, is there no-one that you can set up a guardianship with? Do the kids even like their dad?

Could you set up a new bank account, arrange to have your salary paid into that and only transfer across what is required for your 50% of the mortgage (you can pay other bills from your new account too) to prevent ongoing leakage?

This. Are you happy for your DH’s second wife to get your money and your children get nothing? If so, leave the house to him. If not, you need to take steps so your children inherit.

It's not a husband or even a man you're with. He's a petulant, spoiled, selfish, gormless oaf.

I am so sorry and am appaled at your husband.

I agree with Hankunamatata

"Go and talk to cancer counsellor and a solicitor."

I know you said you were going to talk to a solicitor so that is good. I would also recommend a counsellor who can help you find a way to really enjoy the remaining time with your children and make wise decisions for yourself and for them.

And I agree with caringcarer

"Make as many memories as you can with them and record them for them. They will treasure thos memories."

A friend of mine died young with children about your children's age. She spent time in a hospice and decorated a quilt (with help), she had a lovely visit to somewhere special with kids (I think paid for by a charity) and she made lots of memories for her children.

Personally, I would take whatever medications and treatments are on offer and look at all the other things you can do to elongate your life (eating really well etc). I know it is easier to say than do.

I am just heartbroken that your husband is behaving so awfully.

I second another posters advice to get involved in a local, friendly, caring, church. I attend such a church and the people are amazing. Of course if you are another religion, or no religion, you can choose somewhere else, just looking for places that will support you and your kids.

My children have God parents who have been so supportive and wonderful (not all of them of course) but they both have at least one person who has made a massive difference in their lives. Of course you may not be religious or want to be, I understand, but I think any places for support are helpful.

I really do wish you all the best.

The issue with not leaving your DH anything in your will is that as your spouse, and seemingly quite dependent on your finances, he has a right to claim on the estate and given the circumstances, will very likely be successful.

Unless you leave him and divorce now, of course.

That sounds awful & he has all week in the house alone & then disappears all weekend. You pay for nursery when he is actually around to care for the youngest. Meanwhile you have all three alone over a weekend. That’s bonkers. Do you have anyone else who can support you? Personally I would look into ill health retirement as your diagnosis is life limiting. Try to make some plans for the children for the future as he doesn’t sound like he can cope with the children. Sorry he sounds awful. A complete lack of empathy for your situation.

@roundandroundthegarden123 you are not useless, you are ill.

Have you tried a focused diet to help your body better manage the cancer? If not I'd recommend googling it - my friend did this, it held his cancer off for 5 years before he absolutely needed treatment. Luckily he's now in remission.
If I recall some of it, it was vegetarian with no food cooked at temps above 100oC. He took supplements and drank lemon water. Hope that's at least a little helpful x

Ref your partner, he's not a partner is he?

Don't wish your life away.

Separate from the AH and call the insurer. Tell them you want to access the life insurance. They will advise you.

The money may mean you can stop work now and concentrate on your health and the children.

He has no claim on the insurance whilst you are alive

Fuck him.

Exactly!

I’m sorry this is happening to you and your kids. This man isn’t going to change and isn’t even willing to try. Shame on him. I hope you are able to leave him and live whatever time you have left with your kids on your own terms. I do think there is a controlling element on his part as he knows you no longer have your parents and ‘only have him.’ I hope you have some other relatives or good friends that you can lean on and get support from. Again, I’m terribly sorry, this is truly one of the worst things I have read on here in regards to how some people treat their ‘loved ones.’ I really hope he doesn’t treat your kids as badly after you have gone. I don’t know much about these things but maybe you can put some support and counselling in place ahead of time for them and also work with school to prepare support for them. 💐

I'm sorry to hear your in this situation op, but I think you've gotta start putting yourself first
Like he clearly does
Could you downsize or split up ?

He sounds like a right cut
But it also sounds a bit like he knows your in a sticky situation and he's calling your bluff by basically saying I'm going to do what I want anyway and whatever are you gonna do about it
Guessing he can make you the badn guy then if you leave him ......

I don’t think he’s in denial, I think he’s an arsehole.

He’s reminded me that it we divorce I’ll ’have to do the weekends by myself anyway as he will refuse’

He's shown you that he'll withhold parenting from your children to keep you in line. Do you really want to spend what time you have left married to this pathetic excuse for a man?

Get legal advice to make sure that your money and life insurance payout goes to your kids, not him, once you've gone. It's not unheard of for widowed men to replace their broken-down wife appliances remarry and leave everything to the new wife, excluding their own children.

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this.

Bless you, OP. Most importantly, you are not useless, not as a mother or in any other way. What you are is tired, ill, sad and uncared for because your husband is a ghastly waste of space. Many PPs have made great points about protecting your children and they are 100% right. The first thing you need is a good lawyer, from a law firm that is big enough to have expertise in Wills and probate, family law, trusts, property, tax and guardianship. I don't know if I am actually allowed to make a specific recommendation but I am going to anyway. Jane McNicol at Thorntons in Perth is lovely and will point you in all the right directions.
Please confide in your GP, even nowadays they can be of enormous help when you can get hold of them!
Please give some thought to appointing a guardian for your children, it can be anybody you trust, a sibling, a cousin, aunt or uncle or a close friend. They can also double up as a trustee and executor. You should also appoint a lawyer to be a trustee and executor. Also consider a LPA, bearing in mind your own health going forward.
I send you and your children my very best wishes, love and strength.

Im so so sorry OP. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you- even more so when you’re having to deal with your husband being a monumentally selfish and insensitive prick of a human being on top of everything else.

In your position I’d be a howling mess and nowhere near as articulate or seemingly patient with your husband as you are. I would be sorely tempted to change my life insurance and death in service beneficiary. I’d change it from him to either a legally administered trust for the children, or to the kids directly and appoint someone else you can rely on, with instructions to use the money only for your childrens benefit; to financially protect their futures in the way you would have and not allow it to be spent on your husbands passion projects.

My husband would not get a penny beyond funeral expenses. And I’d probably leave him a letter promising to become a malevolent ghost and return to haunt him from the afterlife for making me work in my final days.

Not so much because I wouldn’t want to work- because it forces me to miss out on precious seconds that I could have spent giving my children more memories of me and how much I love them. Making them so that in future, my kids know that they are so deeply loved by me, the fact is permanently ingrained in their minds. Then the feelings and emotions- that sense of security, that being loved by a mother gives, is deep enough for them to carry with them for the rest of their lives.

God I’m so sorry for the shit hand you’ve been dealt OP

OP, this is so sad. You sound like such a courageous woman. I would divorce him and put the money from your home and insurance into a trust for your children. Do you have a good friend you can trust to oversee it? If not you can have a solicitor or financial advisor put in charge. He is a vile man and do not deserve another thing from you. You don't need him. You have your beautiful DC who will love and cherish you always.

OP you sound like an amazing mum.

*Booboobagins8

I am pleased your friend has been in remission for so long and I am glad the special diet has helped.

Op im so sorry to hear this

OP I hope you do not mind but I was googling around (can't sleep) and saw this page

Dietitians Australia

https://dietitiansaustralia.org.au/health-advice/can-your-diet-prevent-and-treat-cancer#:~:text=Diet%20can%20play%20a%20role,the%20development%20of%20these%20diseases dietitiansaustralia.org.au/health-advice/can-your-diet-prevent-and-treat-cancer#:~:text=Diet%20can%20play%20a%20role,the%20development%20of%20these%20diseases.]]]]

• "Diet alone is unable to treat or cure cancer. But there are diet and lifestyle strategies you can use to reduce your risk of developing cancer.
• To help reduce cancer risk, you should eat a healthy diet, keep a healthy body weight and exercise regularly.
• Diet and exercise are also an important part of cancer treatment. They can help you to cope and recover from any treatments, stay stronger and manage side-effects.2

I really hope you will get all the help you can.

Thinking of you. XX

1. talk to solicitor and change your will
2. remove him from any life insurance, money etc

First the nice bit..really sorry to hear you're going through this. Sending you lots of love.

Now the harsher words. You've enabled a man-child to be father of your children for the past ten years! You should have booted him out years ago. Your children have had a poor rule model as a father. But it's not too late, you should divorce him now, but I doubt you'll do this, so as a minimum change you life insurance so this sleaze ball doesn't blow it all..

It sounds like you are doing your part, you must teach him and guide him into using money wiser.

I think you need to keep it simple at first and take small steps using the excellent advice on this thread.

1. get signed off with stress by your gp, tell them about the situation with your husband/children to begin getting this documented
2. when signed off, begin talking to the hospital, specialist charities and take excellent legal advice in the breathing space.

I’ m so sorry for what you’re going through. You sound amazingly strong and loving.