DH hobby job and my terminal illness

[roundandroundthegarden123]

this is a long one and I’ve not posted before so please be kind. My DH has had a job which involves a lot of talent (think woodwork) but has never made lots of money. Hes never saved and I’ve always paid for most things. He can work in other capacities during the week but chooses to do it at weekends (6/8) weekend days a month.

He has done this since my eldest was born (10 years old). We have an 8 and 3 year old. One child has complex medical needs and other is autistic. I really struggle to leave the house with the 3 of them alone. On top of this I’ve recently been diagnosed with a life limiting condition.

Ive been begging him to change jobs for years to no avail. He tells me he’s sick of hearing me moan about it and he won’t change. I work full time week days when the children are at school/nursery and pay 50% mortgage, all of the bills, childcare, food, petrol, holidays, presents, meals out, etc. He pays 50% mortgage and that’s it - but he often dips into the joint account for stock for his job so doesn’t quite end up 50% and I need to top the mortgage up.

Im really tired and have employed a carer to help at weekends, but it’s not the same as spending time as a family. We’ve had a blazing row where he’s basically told me I’ve got to just put up with it. When I told him how I felt and how I haven’t got long left to live and want to spend time as a family he said he’s sick of hearing the same thing and ‘what are you going to do about it then?’. He said I’m like a broken record.

Ive asked for nothing from him and have continued to work since my diagnosis, so that we can afford everything. Hes been encouraging me to take more work on too. I feel used and said I don’t want to do this anymore. He’s reminded me that it we divorce I’ll ’have to do the weekends by myself anyway as he will refuse’

Im thinking of refusing further life prolonging treatment as I just don’t want to live like this anymore. I love my kids and I’m so scared what will happen when I’m not here

Lots of good advice already re being signed off sick , charities to enable you to enjoy quality time with the children and legal advice re your DH. There are lots of charities for cancer that do offer financial support so you can take some time off work too. I can’t believe he’s pressuring you take up more shifts so he can have a break at the weekend.l!

Just wanted to echo others that you are amazing not useless. You’ve been dealt cruel cards and are resilient and being the best mother by keeping your children at the forefront of what’s important. You should be proud of yourself and you’re setting an amazing example to them. Please please please talk to someone IRL about this - I’m v worried about your DH ability to cope should yoj not be around and woudl make you feel much better if someone else knows the truth of the situation currently and for the future.

sendingso much love and strength x

Oh OP it does feel like he’s being incredibly selfish and it must be very hurtful. You need to make some time for yourself to get support and he needs to face up to the fact he is behaving terribly. I can’t imagine anyone normal encouraging a person with a cancer diagnosis to work more.

That said, I think some posters have been a bit hasty re some of the advice to cut him off though. You might not have a choice re life insurance. My policy for example is set up so it primarily pays out to either of us if the other dies with the children only being beneficiaries if we both die. I don’t think either of us could change that retrospectively. I suspect it would be very difficult to make an alternative guardian while there was a living parent. You also have to think about the practicalities of a child inheriting money but still being forced to leave the family home because the dad can’t pay the mortgage. Legal advice will help you understand the ‘how’ of what you can do but also the consequences of that too as you’re in a bit of a rock and a hard place re balancing the different options.

Divorce this callous man asap.

Get an iron clad will that leaves everything in trust for the children, overseen by someone not linked to him. Change your beneficiaries on life insurance and pension etc.

I'd muster every ounce of energy into divorcing this sorry excuse for a husband and father. He should be thoroughly ashamed of himself.

I agree with all this, particularly the last point about not subsidising your husband in his self-indulgent hobby job by giving him access to the money that you earn. He only works two days a week and on the days he doesn't work, he doesn't even do childcare for his own kids. He only earns a pittance and that is what he should live on. Don't buy him food, don't cook for him, don't do anything for him.

Speak to your care team at the hospital and let them know how your husband treats you. Hopefully, they will give you advice and support.

Big hug OP you have so much to deal with.

can you take some time off work. Maybe self certificate for a week and then get a sick note from doctors. Maybe for stress as anyone would feel stress in your situation.

I am sorry if this is the wrong thing to say but you have a life limiting condition so the least work you can do the better unless you want to work of course. If after you have been off for at least a month can you look at stopping or cutting down on work?

Dont ask your partner for permission just do it and tell him calmly this is what you are doing to spend as much quality time with the kids as possible.

Look at any charities for your condition and get as much help as you can including help with applying for any benefits you may be entitled to.

You sound worn down my lovely and you deserve building up.

I wish you strength and support. 💐💐💐💐💐

Just wanted to add so much lovely advice and support on here.

Please take a break from work whether holiday or sick leave and go through it and pick out some simple steps that you could start with. Eg telling hospital team and telling your gp about your situation.

please feel strength from the support on here and I really hope you can get support in the real world too.

You definitely need to take advice and consider putting your assets in trust for dc, but make sure the trust conditions are watertight so he can’t bully them into dipping into it for his benefit. I think in his head he’s thinking all will be fine as he will have an unencumbered house when you’re gone.

Why wouldn’t you just divorce him?

You’re a single mother anyway. He’s using your emotional labour, your physical labour and your financial resources to continue his hobby.

Your illness is life limiting meaning the time you have left is shortened.

You need to conserve your strength. You need breaks from the children. You need to ensure that your money you leave behind will help your children - not support your disgusting wife and his future girlfriend.

Stop asking for help.

You can either destroy his shed or file for divorce. Personally, I would do both.

Update your will and insurance so that all your estate go directly to DC and you need to appoint trusted people as trustees to manage their finances until they’re old enough

Thank you all, to answer a few questions

I don’t have critical illness cover. I wasn’t eligible due to having PND when I applied. I wish I looked into this more and sought a different insurer.

We don’t have extended family who would take the children. My family aren’t here anymore and unsurprisingly DH family make little effort to see them.

We live in a remote area and due to working during the week and DH working every weekend, I’ve not been able to travel to see my friends in London (since my eldest was born) very often. This is another issue we’ve argued about over the years. I don’t think he works weekends to control me, but I’m controlled by his weekends. It means I don’t see anyone and it’s been incredibly lonely. I’ve not been able to make friends here as I can’t go to kids clubs, meet mums for coffee etc due to my children’s complex needs. It’s always felt that I’m a single mum with a crap childcare agreement. So the answer is, I don’t have any close friends either.

I did confide in the Social Worker and that’s when they provided funding for the carer.

I’m trying to imagine what my DH would say to the comments here. He would be incredibly defensive and say I’ve left out details (which I have to protect somewhat my privacy but not to shine a bad light on him). He might try and justify that he works weekends so he can be around during the week for medical appointments for our DC and say that financially it’s not possible for him to work on his interest during the week. The fact is he doesn’t want to, and doesn’t want to change no matter how much it affects me. I paid last year for someone to develop a platform where he could sell online his work - but he never turned up to the appointments

Your husband sounds awful. Truly awful. You say, what would he think if he saw this thread? Show him. Show him what a selfish coward we think he is, not allowing you to make the best of your last bit of life. I don’t care what he believes the mitigating circumstances would be, what he believes you have left out. You have cancer and he’s an absolute cunt. I would be motivated by pure spite and divorce him, do everything I could to ensure your life insurance benefits the children and not him… but I suppose that leaves them in a horrible position. I’m just so angry for you. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with your diagnosis alone.

This is one of the hardest things I've ever read on here. You have already been offered the advice by other posters that I would have suggested. I feel massively for you, I am so sorry you are being treated in this way, its unbelievable 💔 I really am at a loss for other words...

Divorce and leave all your money and assets to the children.

Op I’m sorry you are going through this and I don’t say this to cause hurt but ……
your Husband does not like you or respect you.
you must do everything you can to protect your assets for your children.
I honestly don’t think that this man is going step up and look after them .

Yes, take legal advice because inheritance laws in Scotland are complicated. You cannot entirely disinherit your husband, I don’t think, as he will be legally entitled to a third of your moveable estate (which is everything excluding land/property). You can ensure the house and their share of the movable is left to the children. So you need a trusted executor as well to ensure the children’s needs are met, who is not your husband.

The point about him getting re-married and moving in a new wife is valid - this happened to a friend of mine when her mother’s new-ish husband inherited the house. She and her sisters lost the house to a man their mum had known for a few years, although it was their childhood home. Of course that was their mum’s choice in her will but in your situation it makes sense to do something to protect your DC.

Unfortunately divorce in Scotland is also complicated because you need to ensure that the child arrangements are agreed and sort the finances as well before you divorce. Most divorces are on separation (one year with consent, two years without) but you can also raise an action on unreasonable behaviour. The question here is whether your husband will contest this and make things difficult which is a stress you don’t need. And even if it is on unreasonable behaviour, you still need to sort finances and child arrangements.

Thinking on this, if you do separate, and here I mean separate without divorce, you could get a Minute of Separation which covers the financial settlement even if you cannot get the child arrangements agreed and in this, you can state that each party does not inherit from the other (however both parties need to agree this or it needs to be ordered by a court). That separates your finances legally. If you can get the child arrangements agreed as well, then you can file for divorce, if that is what you want. To be honest, though, I am not sure your husband sounds like a man to agree anything detrimental to his well- being that easily and so it is a case of where you want your energies to go here.

A lawyer will help you work out the best options to protect your DC. Then you can make decisions what to do based on what you know about your prognosis. I hope that you have got friends and people to support you in real life and I wish you all the very best. But whatever you do, I hope you are able to find the time to spend with DC and not work yourself to the bone for a man who shows you so little respect and care.

Can you reduce your hours and claim Universal Credit? You will get LcWRA.

What kind of man asks his terminally ill wife to work more hours so he can indulge his hobby?
Divorce him now so the kids get your life insurance. He will only fritter it away on his hobby if you don’t .

Sorry, I was writing my post and did not see your last one, so I had not read your last post with the paragraph about him stopping you seeing your friends.
I think that is control, yes. If you read the definition of coercive control in Scotland, not doing something which then causes someone psychological damage is in there.
[edited - the last bit is badly phrased - I mean causes psychological damage by failing to do something, this man is failing to do basic parenting as a way to control of your time which has isolated you and made you lonely as you cannot sustain other relationships and networks]

I can’t work out if he is autistic to as he doesn’t seem to think work is his responsibility. Could you write out some of the suggestions here plus how you feel along with your diagnosis and what your plan is work wise. Tell him you are not arguing with him and you need him to understand. He is being incredibly selfish. You haven’t said if you want to leave but the difficulty is that your children are going to need him and he will have to give up his hobby I expect in the future. If you asked him to move out I wonder if you would be entitled to more help benefit wise allowing for more carer hours possibly. Gingerbread is a single parent charity maybe give them a call to discuss options/finances.

OP when I was with my ex, I used to make excuses for his behaviour (bad childhood etc.) and try to put myself in his shoes to justify his awful behaviour (which was probably about 1% as bad as your husband). The thing is people who abuse don't always do it consciously and they pretty much always have a reason why they're behaving that way. I realised that it was my responsibility to pick up my self worth and not be a victim to that. Your husband will have his reasons and excuses for behaving the way he does - they are shit. He's treating you abysmally - you're terminally ill with cancer and he doesn't care one jot. Fuck him.

If you have time and energy, divorce and move closer to your friends. He doesn't deserve you or your children, and it sounds like he doesn't even want you anyway - just the money you bring in! Sorry if that's harsh but my god he's absolute scum and I hope you get away from him. Sending love to you and your kids, you sound like a fabulous mum ❤️

One of the lines in the OP that stood out to me is that he has encouraged you to take in extra work since your diagnosis? He just sounds so selfish.

I’m so sorry to read this. I’m sorry but he does not sound like he has your and your children’s best interests at heart. When you see the solicitor please spell out all your worries and concerns, please be as honest with them as you have with us to get the best outcome for you and your children. Your OH has had plenty from you already. Best wishes to you

So sorry to hear this OP, it sounds like a really sad situation.

He doesn't sound like someone who will manage the money well and support your children successfully to adulthood. I'm so sorry that you're in this situation - it's a parent's nightmare. All you can do is live as long as you possibly can - I'm with the pp who says that you should be taking all the life-extending treatment you can - and set things up as well as possible to protect them once you can't.

Your only responsibility is to your children and to yourself.

I'm not medical, but I assume that working excessively won't help your treatment, and certainly won't help you to maximise what time and energy you have left for your children. I'd be looking at cutting that back as much as possible - take medical time off if you can. Cut your costs where you can - or rather, prioritise them carefully - and push them out where you can. Change to an interest-only mortgage, and possibly even ask for a payment holiday - so long as the life insurance will still cover the total Also take your DC out of nursery, unless you need that break.

Make sure that your life insurance is in trust with your children as beneficiaries and that the trustee is not your DH but a trusted family member who will look after your childrens interests. If you call your life insurance company now, they'll set it up for you really easily.

Make a will leaving your share of the house and all other assets to your children. Tell the trusted family member that you've done this and that you are relying on them to protect your children financially from their father. You can't change house ownership from ownership in common to joint tenants without his agreement unfortunately, but you can give your share elsewhere with a will. Make sure you write the will with a solicitor so that it works the way you want.

Be kind to yourself. Take what you want from the time you have left.

This. He can't be trusted. Enjoy your remaining tine with just your children, kick him out.

Similarly if you are joint tenants (ie he automatically become sole owner of your property upon your death, get that changed to tenant in common so that you can leave your half of the property in trust to your children.

You need to get a family member on side so that you know someone else is in their corner and will be checking on him.

I also understand that you can absolutely appoint a third party (grandparent etc) to be a testamentary guardian upon your death and arrange for them to have custodial/guardianship rights equal to that of the surviving parent. So I absolutely would speak to a solicitor and tae a family member with you to explore this. Whether he’s selfish, not coping, ND, etc makes no difference - you need to have peace of mind that there will be a 100% engaged adult supporting your children through their grief and ensuring their well-being is prioritised for the remainder of their childhood.

From what you have described here that will not be your husband, @roundandroundthegarden123 .