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Original poster

Husband threatening to leave

626 replies

LatteLady84 · 19/12/2025 16:08

I’m posting because I don’t really know who else to talk to about this and I could use some perspective.

I’ve been with my husband since we were 18 - 23 years together, married for 12, with three children. We are both now 41. Our day to day relationship is good, he makes me laugh, we rarely argue, he's a good and hard working dad.

Over the years though, our sex life has been quite limited. I struggle to be able to relax and even in our late teens / early 20s, I might only want sex occasionally. Obviously he would try it on a lot of more often than that, and this made me feel pressured, which would make me shut down even more. That's not to say we didn't have fun, because we had some really good periods in our relationship where we might have sex once or twice a month, but there were other times where we might have sex a couple of times a year. He would then try to talk about it but I basically felt the discussion was always about pressuring me into having sex I didn't want, so the conversations were always difficult.

When we got engaged I felt really safe and secure and we had a really good regular sex life, around once a month, for about three years, and I had a planned pregnancy in 2016. Obviously having a baby changes things and it was 18 months before I felt ready to resume things, but I wanted another baby so that helped push things along and second time round I got pregnant with twins.

About 18 months after having the twins he'd tried many times to start things up again but I was tired and felt pressured again, so he then kept trying to start talking about it, which led to friction. Things did start up eventually and it's always fun when we do it, I do climax often when we have sex, but I know it just takes a lot to get me relaxed enough to want it and having 3 kids doesn't leave us much space or time.

We had sex about 5 times in the next 2-3 years but he was trying things on like at least twice a month. Then he just stopped and it made life a bit easier if I am honest because I wasn't feeling this pressure all the time for sex, so we could enjoy each other's company a bit more without that expectation. But because he stopped asking, we haven't had sex now for 3 years.

The last year or so I think he's started suffering from depression, although he hasn't said that directly, but he seems to struggle with life, getting up and going to a job he's always enjoyed seems a big stress for him, he's put on quite a bit of weight, he stays up really late (he never comes to bed with me) and is always tired a grump as a result. We had an argument last week and from that he started to cry (which he never does, he's literally cried maybe twice before in the whole 23 years we've been together) and said he feels unwanted and has no confidence or self-esteem and he thinks I don't even like him. I asked why and he referenced his 40th birthday, which was in Jan 2024, because I didn't get him a present and promised instead we would go away for a weekend. I haven't got round to booking anything yet, it slipped my mind if I am honest and I am rubbish at organising stuff anyway. He then started comparing it to my 40th, as he did make a lot of effort for that (a surprise dinner with a group of my friends and my mum), and said that basically he doesn't feel like I care about him in a romantic sense.

He’s now said that if things don’t improve, he doesn’t know if he can stay in the marriage. That feels like an ultimatum and has made me feel very anxious and defensive, because I genuinely don’t know how to change how I feel about sex, and I don’t want to be having sex just to keep him happy.

But I don't want to lose him or have him break up our family.

OP posts:
BeaRightThere · 21/12/2025 13:14

Pollyputthekettleonlove · 21/12/2025 02:02

@Macaroni46 @WhereYouLeftIt
Ok so it’s my fault then, totally deserved it. I feel this is where we’re still so misogynistic as a society, because why was it up to me, the woman to bring it up? If my husband was the one who had the issue about lack of sex, why was that up to me to bring it up? Honestly I was quite happy not to have sex so there was no problem for me to bring up. He clearly wasn’t happy about the lack of sex, so why did he go out and cheat rather than tell me he was unhappy?

“Nobody is telepathic, speech is actually required to share thoughts between the two people.”
That’s right, so… why didn’t he speak to me about it? How else was I supposed to know he was unhappy? I’m not telepathic after all.

“are your partners supposed to be celibate when they don't want to be, just to keep you happy?”
Not necessarily, but if they don’t tell us they’re not happy with it, then how are we to know?

“Nobody gets to hold their spouse hostage to their personal preferences.”
What you mean like talking to your spouse and telling them how you feel to try to find a resolve, rather than going out shagging randoms?

Can’t believe it’s 2025 and still always the woman’s fault.

Edited

Well, you were the one who took sex off the table and decided you were content to never have it again. Seems to me that merited a conversation.

It seems to me you didn't say anything because it suited you to imagine that you were both on the same page and checking in with him risked hearing he was unhappy, at which point you would have to address it, and you didn't want to.

Your husband could have handled things better but it's hardly surprising he cheated and the only surprise is (a) that you were surprised and (b) that you actually cared.

LynseyDenton · 21/12/2025 13:23

KiwiFall · 21/12/2025 12:45

Yep. When in the throws of young kids we averaged 3 times a week. Longest we’ve gone without was a month. I suspect this was when I was ill although not 100% sure. Now we’re in our 50s and the kids all grown up we are about 4 times a week on average.

Show quote history

I must admit it’s not my experience and it’s not that of my friends. Unless they’re lying.

justasking111 · 21/12/2025 13:46

One of our village neighbours had been married 25 years when her husband left her. She said she was still a virgin because he had refused to have sex with her. She missed out on children as well

There's a happy ending she met a widower, who had children and is now an adoring granny.

We really don't know how people we know live.

KiwiFall · 21/12/2025 13:50

LynseyDenton · 21/12/2025 13:23

I must admit it’s not my experience and it’s not that of my friends. Unless they’re lying.

Show quote history

Everyone is different and that’s absolutely fine. It’s just important to be in a relationship with someone you are compatible with.

Pollyputthekettleonlove · 21/12/2025 14:14

BeaRightThere · 21/12/2025 13:14

Well, you were the one who took sex off the table and decided you were content to never have it again. Seems to me that merited a conversation.

It seems to me you didn't say anything because it suited you to imagine that you were both on the same page and checking in with him risked hearing he was unhappy, at which point you would have to address it, and you didn't want to.

Your husband could have handled things better but it's hardly surprising he cheated and the only surprise is (a) that you were surprised and (b) that you actually cared.

Edited
Show quote history

I never “took sex off the table” by saying I’d never do it again, he just stopped trying because when we’d do it he could see I was uncomfortable including being in pain physically. He never spoke to me about other options or how it made him feel that we weren’t having sex. Did you hear that? He knew how I felt, but I didn’t know how he felt… yet somehow that’s my fault because I didn’t ask him.

It probably did merit a conversation, but why would I be the one to initiate that? So I made it clear it was uncomfortable for me when we were doing something that made me feel that way, yet when the roles were reversed and he was uncomfortable/unhappy with the situation, that was still up to me and he could stay silent on the subject and just go out and cheat?

If women have views like some of the posters on here, no wonder men behave the way they do and think they can get away with it - ‘we’ let them.

Nevernonono · 21/12/2025 14:21

Pollyputthekettleonlove · 21/12/2025 14:14

I never “took sex off the table” by saying I’d never do it again, he just stopped trying because when we’d do it he could see I was uncomfortable including being in pain physically. He never spoke to me about other options or how it made him feel that we weren’t having sex. Did you hear that? He knew how I felt, but I didn’t know how he felt… yet somehow that’s my fault because I didn’t ask him.

It probably did merit a conversation, but why would I be the one to initiate that? So I made it clear it was uncomfortable for me when we were doing something that made me feel that way, yet when the roles were reversed and he was uncomfortable/unhappy with the situation, that was still up to me and he could stay silent on the subject and just go out and cheat?

If women have views like some of the posters on here, no wonder men behave the way they do and think they can get away with it - ‘we’ let them.

Show quote history

But you knew it was averting he wanted and stopped for your benefit?

So why didn’t it merit you saying, I know you want sex, but I don’t but happy to……whatever. You could’ve also instigated that during sex, if DH is wanting sex and I’m not, I might pleasure him, I’ll direct it that way. I’ll make sure he still feels wanted and desired (and he dies vice versa). Not everytime, because sometimes neither of us want to do anything.

You were happy, he wasn’t.

Asking for sex or talking about the fact your partner doesn’t desire you sexually must be soul destroying! He wasn’t well aware that you had no desire for him, so held on to some self respect and didn’t approach you.

I’ll be honest, I’d probably do the same if DH was never interested.

Pollyputthekettleonlove · 21/12/2025 14:28

Nevernonono · 21/12/2025 14:21

But you knew it was averting he wanted and stopped for your benefit?

So why didn’t it merit you saying, I know you want sex, but I don’t but happy to……whatever. You could’ve also instigated that during sex, if DH is wanting sex and I’m not, I might pleasure him, I’ll direct it that way. I’ll make sure he still feels wanted and desired (and he dies vice versa). Not everytime, because sometimes neither of us want to do anything.

You were happy, he wasn’t.

Asking for sex or talking about the fact your partner doesn’t desire you sexually must be soul destroying! He wasn’t well aware that you had no desire for him, so held on to some self respect and didn’t approach you.

I’ll be honest, I’d probably do the same if DH was never interested.

Show quote history

“You were happy, he wasn’t”

Point being though, that I didn’t know that because he never told me!

Pollyputthekettleonlove · 21/12/2025 14:32

Nevernonono · 21/12/2025 14:21

But you knew it was averting he wanted and stopped for your benefit?

So why didn’t it merit you saying, I know you want sex, but I don’t but happy to……whatever. You could’ve also instigated that during sex, if DH is wanting sex and I’m not, I might pleasure him, I’ll direct it that way. I’ll make sure he still feels wanted and desired (and he dies vice versa). Not everytime, because sometimes neither of us want to do anything.

You were happy, he wasn’t.

Asking for sex or talking about the fact your partner doesn’t desire you sexually must be soul destroying! He wasn’t well aware that you had no desire for him, so held on to some self respect and didn’t approach you.

I’ll be honest, I’d probably do the same if DH was never interested.

Show quote history

“I’ll be honest, I’d probably do the same if DH was never interested.”

You’d go out and cheat rather than tell your husband that you weren’t happy in the hope that you could find some resolve and stay loyal to him and hopefully save your marriage? That probably says a lot about you @Nevernonono

justasking111 · 21/12/2025 14:43

Pollyputthekettleonlove · 21/12/2025 14:14

I never “took sex off the table” by saying I’d never do it again, he just stopped trying because when we’d do it he could see I was uncomfortable including being in pain physically. He never spoke to me about other options or how it made him feel that we weren’t having sex. Did you hear that? He knew how I felt, but I didn’t know how he felt… yet somehow that’s my fault because I didn’t ask him.

It probably did merit a conversation, but why would I be the one to initiate that? So I made it clear it was uncomfortable for me when we were doing something that made me feel that way, yet when the roles were reversed and he was uncomfortable/unhappy with the situation, that was still up to me and he could stay silent on the subject and just go out and cheat?

If women have views like some of the posters on here, no wonder men behave the way they do and think they can get away with it - ‘we’ let them.

Show quote history

Did you ever see a gynae team about the pain you were feeling during sex. That's really something that needed investigating. I had it after first birth. Botched junior doctor sewed me up.

Pollyputthekettleonlove · 21/12/2025 14:50

justasking111 · 21/12/2025 14:43

Did you ever see a gynae team about the pain you were feeling during sex. That's really something that needed investigating. I had it after first birth. Botched junior doctor sewed me up.

Show quote history

Yes and no. I spoke about it when I went for a smear which also hurt and then referred me to someone to see if there was anything physical. I had a scan and discovered I had scarring and then around the same found out I had cancer of the liver. So the cancer treatment kind of overtook the other issue and that was never really followed through with.

BeaRightThere · 21/12/2025 14:51

Why should you NOT be the one to initiate it? You were in pain and uncomfortable during sex but never thought to discuss it with him or get yourself checked out? You just assumed your husband would be happy never to have sex again.

You seem very eager to make this about the patriarchy and turn it into a feminist issue when really you withdrew a core component of your marriage without even talking to your husband and then were surprised by one of the entirely predictable consequences.

justasking111 · 21/12/2025 14:55

Pollyputthekettleonlove · 21/12/2025 14:50

Yes and no. I spoke about it when I went for a smear which also hurt and then referred me to someone to see if there was anything physical. I had a scan and discovered I had scarring and then around the same found out I had cancer of the liver. So the cancer treatment kind of overtook the other issue and that was never really followed through with.

Show quote history

AHH I understand. Your discomfort took a back seat. Are you well enough now to revisit the issue?

liamharha · 21/12/2025 14:58

LynseyDenton · 21/12/2025 10:00

…are people with kids and jobs really having sex 2-3 times per week?

…like really?

Sometimes we have it twice a day five days on the run other times we have it once a week it's never left over a week with nothing tho ,it's l
All down to circumstances and mood .

pollydollydoodlealltheway · 21/12/2025 14:59

The best present you can give him is to let him go and re build his life.

Nevernonono · 21/12/2025 15:00

Pollyputthekettleonlove · 21/12/2025 14:32

“I’ll be honest, I’d probably do the same if DH was never interested.”

You’d go out and cheat rather than tell your husband that you weren’t happy in the hope that you could find some resolve and stay loyal to him and hopefully save your marriage? That probably says a lot about you @Nevernonono

Show quote history

Didn’t know he cheated, I meant not bother talking to you about it!

But I think you knew that really didn’t you? Did you try that tripping up thing with your ex?

Pollyputthekettleonlove · 21/12/2025 15:02

Nevernonono · 21/12/2025 15:00

Didn’t know he cheated, I meant not bother talking to you about it!

But I think you knew that really didn’t you? Did you try that tripping up thing with your ex?

Show quote history

I don’t know what you’re talking about anymore and neither do I care, so I’ll stop derailing the OP’s thread and bid you good luck and good day.

Nevernonono · 21/12/2025 15:24

Pollyputthekettleonlove · 21/12/2025 15:02

I don’t know what you’re talking about anymore and neither do I care, so I’ll stop derailing the OP’s thread and bid you good luck and good day.

Show quote history

bye

ThatCleverCoralCrow · 21/12/2025 15:26

Wow, set this man free. He deserves better than that.

skippy67 · 22/12/2025 08:11

PeopleTheyAintNoGood · 20/12/2025 22:26

Maybe op only replies once a month .

🤣🤣🤣🤣

The1990club · 22/12/2025 18:24

Pollyputthekettleonlove · 21/12/2025 14:14

I never “took sex off the table” by saying I’d never do it again, he just stopped trying because when we’d do it he could see I was uncomfortable including being in pain physically. He never spoke to me about other options or how it made him feel that we weren’t having sex. Did you hear that? He knew how I felt, but I didn’t know how he felt… yet somehow that’s my fault because I didn’t ask him.

It probably did merit a conversation, but why would I be the one to initiate that? So I made it clear it was uncomfortable for me when we were doing something that made me feel that way, yet when the roles were reversed and he was uncomfortable/unhappy with the situation, that was still up to me and he could stay silent on the subject and just go out and cheat?

If women have views like some of the posters on here, no wonder men behave the way they do and think they can get away with it - ‘we’ let them.

Show quote history

Get away with what?? Wanting sex? It is a fundamental part of the human existence for many many people and having a libido is normal. It may not be for you but surely you must be aware that is not typical. Also, many many women like sex too! If my husband just took sex off the table we would be having issues. I agree he should have said something but if you were in pain, this would make it harder for him to address it.

Be honest it probably suited you him not bringing it up. Im sorry but you are passing the buck!

TheGander · 22/12/2025 20:53

skippy67 · 22/12/2025 08:11

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Show quote history

Or once a year 🐼

GentlemanJay · 22/12/2025 22:08

Your story reminds me of mine. I’m a man. I left my wife. It was the best thing I ever did.

I honestly can’t see your marriage getting any better. You are putting off the inevitable. I think you need to separate.

GentlemanJay · 22/12/2025 22:08

ThatCleverCoralCrow · 21/12/2025 15:26

Wow, set this man free. He deserves better than that.

This.

Nicewoman · 22/12/2025 22:21

TheGander · 22/12/2025 20:53

Or once a year 🐼

Show quote history

It’s not just sex she has once a year. It’s replying in Mumsnet once a year. Maybe she should rename herself “Father Christmas, comes once a year, (if you’re good)”

3luckystars · 23/12/2025 08:48

GentlemanJay · 22/12/2025 22:08

Your story reminds me of mine. I’m a man. I left my wife. It was the best thing I ever did.

I honestly can’t see your marriage getting any better. You are putting off the inevitable. I think you need to separate.

I agree with this. If you don’t want sex and he does then there is a reason for that.

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