Husband threatening to leave

[LatteLady84]

I’m posting because I don’t really know who else to talk to about this and I could use some perspective.

I’ve been with my husband since we were 18 - 23 years together, married for 12, with three children. We are both now 41. Our day to day relationship is good, he makes me laugh, we rarely argue, he's a good and hard working dad.

Over the years though, our sex life has been quite limited. I struggle to be able to relax and even in our late teens / early 20s, I might only want sex occasionally. Obviously he would try it on a lot of more often than that, and this made me feel pressured, which would make me shut down even more. That's not to say we didn't have fun, because we had some really good periods in our relationship where we might have sex once or twice a month, but there were other times where we might have sex a couple of times a year. He would then try to talk about it but I basically felt the discussion was always about pressuring me into having sex I didn't want, so the conversations were always difficult.

When we got engaged I felt really safe and secure and we had a really good regular sex life, around once a month, for about three years, and I had a planned pregnancy in 2016. Obviously having a baby changes things and it was 18 months before I felt ready to resume things, but I wanted another baby so that helped push things along and second time round I got pregnant with twins.

About 18 months after having the twins he'd tried many times to start things up again but I was tired and felt pressured again, so he then kept trying to start talking about it, which led to friction. Things did start up eventually and it's always fun when we do it, I do climax often when we have sex, but I know it just takes a lot to get me relaxed enough to want it and having 3 kids doesn't leave us much space or time.

We had sex about 5 times in the next 2-3 years but he was trying things on like at least twice a month. Then he just stopped and it made life a bit easier if I am honest because I wasn't feeling this pressure all the time for sex, so we could enjoy each other's company a bit more without that expectation. But because he stopped asking, we haven't had sex now for 3 years.

The last year or so I think he's started suffering from depression, although he hasn't said that directly, but he seems to struggle with life, getting up and going to a job he's always enjoyed seems a big stress for him, he's put on quite a bit of weight, he stays up really late (he never comes to bed with me) and is always tired a grump as a result. We had an argument last week and from that he started to cry (which he never does, he's literally cried maybe twice before in the whole 23 years we've been together) and said he feels unwanted and has no confidence or self-esteem and he thinks I don't even like him. I asked why and he referenced his 40th birthday, which was in Jan 2024, because I didn't get him a present and promised instead we would go away for a weekend. I haven't got round to booking anything yet, it slipped my mind if I am honest and I am rubbish at organising stuff anyway. He then started comparing it to my 40th, as he did make a lot of effort for that (a surprise dinner with a group of my friends and my mum), and said that basically he doesn't feel like I care about him in a romantic sense.

He’s now said that if things don’t improve, he doesn’t know if he can stay in the marriage. That feels like an ultimatum and has made me feel very anxious and defensive, because I genuinely don’t know how to change how I feel about sex, and I don’t want to be having sex just to keep him happy.

But I don't want to lose him or have him break up our family.

Marriage takes work and you really are not putting any effort it. Get yourself off to your doctor, tell them you are tired and ask if you can be checked for anaemia. Then explain you have a very low sex drive, it's causing problems in your marriage and ask if you try taking testosterone.

Honestly if you are not prepared to have sex more often then let the poor guy go.

When he told you how he felt about his 40th birthday IMO that is when you should of thought to yourself I really need to do something. Its nearly 2yrs since his birthday and your still making excuses about why you haven't got round to doing it. At least when I didn't get anything for my 40th is was because I was a single parent and my children were to small to buy things themselves.

With regards to sex, I really feel for him. He stopped addressing sex with you and your actually happy about it. Your saying "enjoying each others company" and he's clearly is not enjoying this at all. How tone deaf can you be.

@kavalkada - your story is so sad. You were horribly physically abused by your mother which inevitably would leave the most appalling trauma. Please start your own thread so you can get support there.

Of course he doesn't feel loved when you ignore his birthday and never want sex

Why do you want to stay married? Do you think your sex drive might increase or is this it? If its not going to change then I can see why he might want someone else who would want sex with him and appreciate him

I would like to state that there is a difference between having sex that you actively don't want and feel forced into, and between making a decision to be open to sex with your husband even when you don't feel aroused. They are different things.

It is also a different thing for a man to be having sex with a woman who is clearly allowing him access to her body against her will, and a man having sex with a woman who is clearly consenting to sex, not necessarily faking orgasms but by entering into it in the spirit of closeness, intimacy and warmth.

If you feel like you cannot have sex when you don't feel like it, that's absolutely your prerogative, without a doubt, but your marriage will not survive. If you can do it, then it could be the thing to save your marriage. Counselling and supplements may or may not help a low sex drive, but making an effort to be physical most likely will.

Are you religious ? Some religions have really toxic teaching around sex and sexuality unfortunately if you are religious it might be deemed normal to have sex so little but it really isn’t sex is really important for a relationship. I also agree with another poster if you don’t know your neurodivergent then I’d suggest looking into it and seeking diagnosis. There are a lot of autistic people who struggle with intimacy because it’s overwhelming . I find having sex once enough as I get satisfied quicker and doing anymore is unbearable because the feelings are too intense. Some autistic people can’t handle touch at all but there are forums and books out there to help support you with that. Also communication with your partner , my husband knows my struggles and he is happy to wait or just do it once in a day. I’ve also got disabilities which cause pain during sex so there’s times I can go a whole week without making love but we’re very cuddly and we communicate how we feel and respect each other. Sometimes you can do things for him when you don’t feel like sex but he does and that doesn’t have to lead to full blown intercourse.

I also agree with what other said about seeing a gp and getting therapy. It’s okay to want a companion but you must understand that relationships need more than enjoying someone’s company to work. Please I know if you are neurodivergent you may struggle with the concept of giving him the holiday because he asked because we all tend to have some aspects of demand avoidance but please even if you don’t book a weekend away and really smash it out the park with maybe a full blown holiday or something. Unfortunately your past the point of sorry being enough you need to now show your sorry with action. If you don’t he will leave and life will get much harder . Try working full time , picking up kids and trying to put food on the table.

please if you care about him book that trip and try to get some help .

I’m sorry you went through similar, but the trouble is, even aside from sex, it doesn’t sound that OP is that bothered about trying to keep the relationship alive. The weekend away sounds like the ideal way for them to spend quality time together, visiting places they would both enjoy and just reconnect over shared interests. The fact that she’s not done anything on it speaks volumes.

“I’m sorry you went through similar, but the trouble is, even aside from sex, it doesn’t sound that OP is that bothered about trying to keep the relationship alive. The weekend away sounds like the ideal way for them to spend quality time together, visiting places they would both enjoy and just reconnect over shared interests. The fact that she’s not done anything on it speaks volumes.”

Totally agree, @curliegirlie. OP doesn’t really seem to love or care about her husband the way a long-term partner should. She’s been perfectly happy to neglect his needs for eons. Most parents of young DCs are extremely busy and juggling lots of things but we make time for some sexual intimacy and for the people who are truly important. I really think the fairest thing is for OP to let her H go and find a partner who wants to be with him as a romantic partner and they can co-parent. It seems too late to fix it now. The neglect is too entrenched.

Op has done a runner.
She has only gave 4 updates to whome is on her side.
What a selfish bully.

True but I've never heard of a man who doesn't want sex with his wife unless he is cheating on her or secretly gay.

Possibly the best post I have ever read here. I agree. Men have ferocious sexual appetites, any man I have ever known anyway. I feel sorry for them.

It’s unsustainable to get married if you have a low sex drive and your partner hasn’t.
I’m not talking about illness or other issues here, but if you go off sex (with them), it’s not fair to hold on to that person without discussion. It’s a really important part of a relationship. If it’s not there, you need other types of intimacy. There is none here.

Your poor husband, if I was him I’d leave, you aren’t behaving like a loving wife.

Also if you do go for the weekend away, and are feeling really stressed, have sex the minute you get into the hotel room. It takes the pressure off completely.
Don’t be prioritising other things and getting all dressed up to go out to dinner then it will be hanging over you all night, just do it and if you really enjoy it, do it again when you get back to the room that night.
Every marriage goes through different stages. Book the night away. it’s worth a shot.

If that whole idea fills you with dread, then you must not love or not trust him. That’s ok but you will have to face up to it. Best wishes to you x

Ferocious appetite? OP says he might try to initiate 2 times a month. In a good phase they might have sex 3 -4 times a month. He has put up with this for years.

the husband is depressed as all he seems to be is a meal
ticket & his wife cannot even be bothered to organise a birthday celebration for him. I would be wondering what the point of the marriage was if I was in his shoes. She refuses to talk to him about his needs & just blames him for the whole situation. This is so much deeper than their sex life, despite op claiming that is the problem.

It takes 2 to make a relationship work and your clearly not doing your part. We have a big family but have always made time to talk,cuddle, communicate,suprise each other, weekends away etc...if a woman had posted saying her partner treat her like this everyone would usually say leave him and tbh I would be saying to your guy leave and find someone who will show love not just sex but...not sure how an apology covers a promised but not booked birthday break but wow you don't seem to care that much anyway since you've done nothing about it for 2 years

My ex husband.., had some kind of intimacy issue.... gave him ED... it was very complicated... learned later it had happened earlier and he's still single now decades on.

Often, taking the sexual pressure off the "low drive" partner removes the fear of sexual coercion and having her "no" ignored that was supressing her drive in the first place.

People forget that we live in a rape culture in which women are basically raised to believe that if she "leads a guy on" then whatever he does is her fault, and so she shouldn't start anything, nor let him start anything, that she's not 100% sure she's willing to finish. So if she's not in the mood and he is, she'd better shut that advance down quick unless she fancies some "duty sex" that she doesn't even want and leaves her feeling dirty and used. There's no room in a rape culture for her to say "well, I'm not sure, but let's kiss for a bit and see how I feel". Agreeing asking sex off the table for a while creates that space.

And before you hit "reply" to chide me for accusing her DH: no, I am not calling her DH a rapist. He's clearly not. I am saying that the culture we live in drives women to behave in a particular way thatcauses more problems for low drive women than for high drive ones.

The DH in this case does not appear to have a “ferocious” appetite, not sure what made you think that?

This is exactly why couples should consider taking sex off the table for an agreed timeframe.

He probably does, but has had to live without because he loved her. Now he realises it not just the sex she is not interested in, it’s him.

Right, sounds like the husband has a standard sexual appetite, and honestly sounds about the same as mine at that age. In my teens and 20s I was indeed ferociously keen on sex 😅It seems OP has never been keen.

Lots of women love sex of course, some men do not. There is no right or wrong amount of sexual appetitite. The problem is that OP does not want to have sex and he does.

And that cannot be fixed.

To live with constant rejection, and even have your 40th birthday totally ignored would be soul destroying. Time for him to move on, I think.

I don't for a minute believe this was a real post. It's either someone shit-posting to get a rise from Mumsnetters or it's the husband posting a 'reversal' post pretending to be the wife.

Maybe op only replies once a month .

Is this actually a real situation/ wind up or a reverse or something ? I mean the 40th birthday is ridiculous,kindly I wouldn’t do that to a friend never mind my DH.
It’s perfectly ok to not want sex. It’s also completely understandable and normal to want it on a regular basis. It must be awful for your husband to not feel desired at all by you and to have no physical connection with you because you are afraid it might lead to sex. Fair enough you can’t force yourself ( and it sounds like he doesn’t want you to either ) but it’s also fair enough if he wants something different , as someone else said you can be friends and co parent or maybe see a dr or do marriage therapy, but kindly I do understand your DH.

Ps none of this makes you a bad person, it ´s just that you have different needs to each other, maybe try marriage therapy ?