Husband threatening to leave

[LatteLady84]

I’m posting because I don’t really know who else to talk to about this and I could use some perspective.

I’ve been with my husband since we were 18 - 23 years together, married for 12, with three children. We are both now 41. Our day to day relationship is good, he makes me laugh, we rarely argue, he's a good and hard working dad.

Over the years though, our sex life has been quite limited. I struggle to be able to relax and even in our late teens / early 20s, I might only want sex occasionally. Obviously he would try it on a lot of more often than that, and this made me feel pressured, which would make me shut down even more. That's not to say we didn't have fun, because we had some really good periods in our relationship where we might have sex once or twice a month, but there were other times where we might have sex a couple of times a year. He would then try to talk about it but I basically felt the discussion was always about pressuring me into having sex I didn't want, so the conversations were always difficult.

When we got engaged I felt really safe and secure and we had a really good regular sex life, around once a month, for about three years, and I had a planned pregnancy in 2016. Obviously having a baby changes things and it was 18 months before I felt ready to resume things, but I wanted another baby so that helped push things along and second time round I got pregnant with twins.

About 18 months after having the twins he'd tried many times to start things up again but I was tired and felt pressured again, so he then kept trying to start talking about it, which led to friction. Things did start up eventually and it's always fun when we do it, I do climax often when we have sex, but I know it just takes a lot to get me relaxed enough to want it and having 3 kids doesn't leave us much space or time.

We had sex about 5 times in the next 2-3 years but he was trying things on like at least twice a month. Then he just stopped and it made life a bit easier if I am honest because I wasn't feeling this pressure all the time for sex, so we could enjoy each other's company a bit more without that expectation. But because he stopped asking, we haven't had sex now for 3 years.

The last year or so I think he's started suffering from depression, although he hasn't said that directly, but he seems to struggle with life, getting up and going to a job he's always enjoyed seems a big stress for him, he's put on quite a bit of weight, he stays up really late (he never comes to bed with me) and is always tired a grump as a result. We had an argument last week and from that he started to cry (which he never does, he's literally cried maybe twice before in the whole 23 years we've been together) and said he feels unwanted and has no confidence or self-esteem and he thinks I don't even like him. I asked why and he referenced his 40th birthday, which was in Jan 2024, because I didn't get him a present and promised instead we would go away for a weekend. I haven't got round to booking anything yet, it slipped my mind if I am honest and I am rubbish at organising stuff anyway. He then started comparing it to my 40th, as he did make a lot of effort for that (a surprise dinner with a group of my friends and my mum), and said that basically he doesn't feel like I care about him in a romantic sense.

He’s now said that if things don’t improve, he doesn’t know if he can stay in the marriage. That feels like an ultimatum and has made me feel very anxious and defensive, because I genuinely don’t know how to change how I feel about sex, and I don’t want to be having sex just to keep him happy.

But I don't want to lose him or have him break up our family.

I agree with this. It kind of reads like you don't love him but just enjoy his company in a non-romantic way.

Maybe you wanted kids and a family and he was a way for you to get that? But that you don't actually love him as a person.

I agree with the quoted poster as i felt it just comes across a bit ... Unusual that you're happy and able to have sex when you wanted to conceive because you'd get something you wanted from it? But you're not able to have sex anymore?

It comes across like your husband is a means to an end for you. You get a nice family life that you want and he gets to feel hurt and rejected and unloved to the point of depression.

It cant go on like this. You need to make some effort - more effort in ALL areas of your relationship - or let him go. It isnt just about the sex but the birthday present this in hideous and if you can be that thoughtless for such an important event then i imagine you're pretty thoughtless in daily life too.

Even in your OP, you go on and on about YOUR feelings. Even when your DH opened up to you about his feelings, you make it about how YOU feel.

Of course you don't have to have sex with him

Of course he can leave you and find someone who DOES want to have sex with him

Imo you don't seem to be a very kind or supportive wife and you make a LOT of excuses for why you are generally not a good wife

Good on him . I hope he leaves I would too. He deserves someone that actually loves and cares for him. Sex is a massive thing in a relationship. You need to work on yourself and your issues and let him loose. Hopefully in time you both find the partners you need.

sexOnce a month is not much at all and being constantly rebuffed is a huge confidence killer. However yiu don’t want what you don’t want, so your needs are poles apart. Then you forgot /were too busy to strange his birthday weekend away with you. Tbh with a few clicks of a mouse it could have been easily arranged. He deserves to be loved snd to feel that love, as it seems he is trying to do for you. Yiu might benefit from both attending relationship counselling.
his depression and weight gain might have other causes, work, finances, medical. Can you support him in getting help for this?

I’ve not read the whole post only op posts but my advice would be to get find a list online of intimate things u can do without sex and set yourself a task to do something every day for a month but say sex is not allowed. This takes the pressure off and gets u to reconnect on an intimate level. I think love honey has a calendar like this?? But not sure?

u could also try burlesque to try and get your confidence going?

There should be a date night planned once a month where you dress up and make an effort even if it’s just at home.
Many of us are tired hard working mums with no time or energy but u have to make the time and fake the energy till u make it. The more sex u have, the more u will want it!
marriage takes work and I believe that includes work on yourself to make u feel attractive and work on your connection by offering intimacy. That includes talking about your issues!

Dont lose this man as he seems like a nice one from your posts? Good luck!

Op. Do the right thing and let him go. You are affecting his mental health in the worst way possible. You might consent to a more active sex life but how long will that last? You are an asexual person, your husband would like to be sexual. Stop being selfish and please stop trying to convince yourself that you’ll change. You won’t in the long run. Leave him.

@KieLeaHar86 the way the OPs updates read, I don't think they value the marriage and doesn't care what happens to it. Which is sad, but as the song goes

"you don't know what you've got til it's gone..."

OP. You have essentially friend zoned your husband (& to be honest you are not a great friend). You clearly want nothing more than a platonic relationship and have essentially made your husband feel like a meal ticket. You are bringing the bare minimum to this marriage- it is you who is breaking it up, not your husband.

I don’t think she’s friend zoned him at all, I certainly wouldn’t treat a friend like she treats him, do you not bother buying your friends gifts for their 40th? Lie to them? Because the weekend away is a lie. Pretend you just forgot as you’re so disorganised.

the op treats her husband like an irrelevance. Someone there to co parent and support her lifestyle. Like a lodger.

Love isn't just something you say. If you love someone the way you treat them should reflect that.

"I know this looks bad but no, I haven't booked anything yet. It sort of feels now like I'd only be booking it because he'd bought it up"

This sort of typifies everything that's wrong with this relationship. No, a regular person who loved (or liked or respected) their partner would nevertheless book the weekend because, you know, they love their partner. Or even like them enough to spend a weekend away with them. Or to surprise them given the moment has gone. Or by way of apology. It's the lack of consideration for the partner, not showing signs of affection (of which the lack of sexual intimacy is just a part. No wonder the guy is depressed.. Probably time for him to call time unless you're prepared to work on and salvage this relationship

I am in a similar situation to the OP’s husband, with some modifications. I have a husband who occasionally remembers to buy me a birthday present. There has been no sex at all for the past 7 years, but there wasn’t much before either, except when we were trying to have a child. I don’t think he is to blame. I have gained a disgusting amount of weight and I don’t even like looking at myself in the mirror, so I don’t blame someone else for not being able to look at me either.

Honestly, I cried so much reading this thread because I know exactly how her husband feels – and even worse. My husband is a good father, but whether he even likes me as a person, I think he doesn’t. It’s hard for me to imagine that you like someone very much if you don’t want to do anything nice for them and show them every day that you don’t really care.

I don’t know. For quite some time now I’ve realized that, because of my parents, I had a completely wrong idea of what a good marriage is. I had fatjer who was a gambler, my parents hated each other and my mother was yelling all day long. I had a mother who constantly beat me for the smallest things (I tear a sheet of paper from a notebook – beating; I drop a cup – 20 hits; I say something wrong – kneel in the corner on bare knees on salt, and so on for years). I was the only child in the house who was treated like that; she behaved better with my brother so it is not like she couldn't be gentle, but she chose not to.

When I met my current husband, he was kind, gentle, quiet – everything opposite to the chaos I grew up in, and which I now know I ran away from. I should have started my own thread. I’m sorry I’m writing all this here, but I wanted to say that I am now thinking about many things I never did before.

It’s not that I care whether I will ever find someone who will love me. I thought that part of life was already over for me. In all of this, I ask myself why my husband stays with me, and I think the author of the original post should ask herself the same question.

Maybe not all of us will be happy. Maybe it’s not written for everyone. But I think everyone deserves peace, and peace is not being day after day with a person who makes you feel disrespected, even though they constantly say otherwise.

And this “I’m sorry” – where are those people who think one “sorry” can erase decades of pain? As far as I’m concerned, I feel numb, if that’s the right word – English is not my first language. I feel like I go through the days like a robot and that I’ll continue like that until the end of my life. The little happiness I feel is when I get on a plane and go somewhere else for a few days, where things are different. Otherwise, the days pass as if I were a robot.

I dont normally have this reaction, but I actually feel sorry for him. I think it’s important you talk about the sex properly and not just shut down. Youre both adults - why cant you talk about it? And the 40th birthday thing is so sad. I can’t believe you didnt organise it! 😭

This sounds like a marriage worth saving. Can you get some couples psychosexual therapy? 3 young children is tiring but maybe it's sex in a morning rather than at night, maybe you need to work your way back to it. I think he needs his birthday celebration asap. He needs to feel loved. And for him that includes sex.

If OP can’t be bothered to even acknowledge a 40th birthday, she’s very unlikely to make the effort required for the steps you’ve detailed here!

I wonder if OP has ever thought/suggested "Let's put some time aside to spend on us. We'll take sex off the table for the weekend, so we are free to be close and intimate without that pressure and give ourselves a chance to reconnect."

My heart aches for you.

Please, please start your own thread and get some therapy. No one deserves to feel like this and no one should have been made to feel so worthless their entire lives. Your marriage is not your fault: you’ve been trained to expect nothing more. But your husband shouldn’t have married you only to treat you with such disdain.

Make sure you find a therapist who is very empathetic though but also strong enough to contain the pain you feel (you may find a huge amount of anger emerges once you start exploring your past history and your current situation - it’s perfectly natural to feel it but it’s important to have a therapist who’s strong enough to handle it and doesn’t talk you out of feeling and processing it). It is essential that you don’t repeat past history in therapy.

I think the poster is so selfish im sorry! How could you waste the best years of his life. I hope he finds someone who treats him better and you, well I hope you taste your own.

I am not normally this aggressive but her post had just angered me.

Take take take...let him go

I can understand how you may feel but a man does need to have relief / sex , I don't think that you can expect a man to not ever have an orgasm. Which he probably does several times a week through masturbation , how does that make you feel ?
You don't have to actually have sex , there are other things that you can do , which may or may not lead to sex .That would surely make him feel more wanted / loved.

He must be feeling quite sad about it , men are different to us.

I know being a mum is hard work / draining , on top of work / housework and other commitments.

His birthday was probably the rod that broke the camels back .

How would you feel if you split up ? This probably will be the case if he does not have any physical contact , 2 or 3 times a week is probably what he is expecting, rather than per year.

Sometimes talking to a GP really does help and maybe they can offer talking therapy / anti depressants.

I hope everything works out well for you both .

This is sad. You should let him go. He sounds like he desperately needs to be loved.

Love is a “doing” word.

I’m sorry OP but you are completely in denial about this whole thing.

I'm very surprised he's stayed this long.

TVs also don't belong in bedrooms!

A married couple in their 30s has had sex just 5 times in 5-6 years

It’s ok to have a low sex drive but the completely lack of intimacy would destroy many relationships and I’m surprised you don’t see that. Throw in your complete lack of effort, no wonder he is so depressed.

You need to let him go so he can find someone who actually loves him and wants to be with him.

I can see how you’ve got here because life and children are tiring but it’s going to be a lot more tiring if he leaves and you are alone. I am very rarely as up for sex as my husband would like me to be but it helps me to remember that if I do it or not, I will still be tired in the morning so I might as well be tired and connected. As you say you enjoy it this might be something helpful to remember but to get back into it you are going to need to make a lot of effort to help build up what you’ve helped to break down. Complacency is the worst sort of marriage killer!

That’s true for when women are most successful at getting pregnant but it doesn’t necessarily pair with when they’re most into sex and enjoy it. I’m also someone else who was a lot more into it in my 30s than 20s. I just turned 40 so we will see how this decade goes 😂