Husband threatening to leave

[LatteLady84]

I’m posting because I don’t really know who else to talk to about this and I could use some perspective.

I’ve been with my husband since we were 18 - 23 years together, married for 12, with three children. We are both now 41. Our day to day relationship is good, he makes me laugh, we rarely argue, he's a good and hard working dad.

Over the years though, our sex life has been quite limited. I struggle to be able to relax and even in our late teens / early 20s, I might only want sex occasionally. Obviously he would try it on a lot of more often than that, and this made me feel pressured, which would make me shut down even more. That's not to say we didn't have fun, because we had some really good periods in our relationship where we might have sex once or twice a month, but there were other times where we might have sex a couple of times a year. He would then try to talk about it but I basically felt the discussion was always about pressuring me into having sex I didn't want, so the conversations were always difficult.

When we got engaged I felt really safe and secure and we had a really good regular sex life, around once a month, for about three years, and I had a planned pregnancy in 2016. Obviously having a baby changes things and it was 18 months before I felt ready to resume things, but I wanted another baby so that helped push things along and second time round I got pregnant with twins.

About 18 months after having the twins he'd tried many times to start things up again but I was tired and felt pressured again, so he then kept trying to start talking about it, which led to friction. Things did start up eventually and it's always fun when we do it, I do climax often when we have sex, but I know it just takes a lot to get me relaxed enough to want it and having 3 kids doesn't leave us much space or time.

We had sex about 5 times in the next 2-3 years but he was trying things on like at least twice a month. Then he just stopped and it made life a bit easier if I am honest because I wasn't feeling this pressure all the time for sex, so we could enjoy each other's company a bit more without that expectation. But because he stopped asking, we haven't had sex now for 3 years.

The last year or so I think he's started suffering from depression, although he hasn't said that directly, but he seems to struggle with life, getting up and going to a job he's always enjoyed seems a big stress for him, he's put on quite a bit of weight, he stays up really late (he never comes to bed with me) and is always tired a grump as a result. We had an argument last week and from that he started to cry (which he never does, he's literally cried maybe twice before in the whole 23 years we've been together) and said he feels unwanted and has no confidence or self-esteem and he thinks I don't even like him. I asked why and he referenced his 40th birthday, which was in Jan 2024, because I didn't get him a present and promised instead we would go away for a weekend. I haven't got round to booking anything yet, it slipped my mind if I am honest and I am rubbish at organising stuff anyway. He then started comparing it to my 40th, as he did make a lot of effort for that (a surprise dinner with a group of my friends and my mum), and said that basically he doesn't feel like I care about him in a romantic sense.

He’s now said that if things don’t improve, he doesn’t know if he can stay in the marriage. That feels like an ultimatum and has made me feel very anxious and defensive, because I genuinely don’t know how to change how I feel about sex, and I don’t want to be having sex just to keep him happy.

But I don't want to lose him or have him break up our family.

I'm not forgetting that fact at all, thanks.

But considering her drive has been low all her life, and she considers sex once a month when they were first together in their youth to have been a good, regular sex life, I don't think that 'taking sex off the table' will make her suddenly want it. Sex has never been on the table, it seems.

This doesn't seem like an issue of stress, life, kids, or relationship issues causing a woman's desire for sex to dwindle, which just needs careful rekindling. It seems like she was never into having sex (with him) and they're fundamentally sexually incompatible.

@LatteLady84 I feel for you massively OP, partly because I could’ve written a lot of what you’ve said myself. Husband and I were together for 20+ years since we were 18, married, couple of kids. Sex life went from average to next to nothing due to my low sex drive and then him not even trying anymore… we never spoke about it and I assumed he also had a low sex drive and didn’t care about that side of things anymore. I was obviously happy with that thought because I didn’t want to be doing anything sexual anymore. Turns out he massively did, but had just been seeking it elsewhere for many years without my knowledge. I found out he had many random hookups with people he met online, visited brothels, the lot. He’d also been staying up late and watching porn downstairs and messaging women on OF asking for photos and exchanging dirty messages.
I was living in blissful ignorance. Not sure what the next steps are for you and your DH, but be glad that he’s talking to you about it. Mine only when caught also said he felt unloved, unwanted, had low self esteem as I was no longer interested in him sexually, although he never spoke to me about it before being caught and had just given up trying anything with me because he knew I didn’t want it.
I know what you mean though, I feel the same: are we supposed to engage in sex that we feel uncomfortable with just to keep the man happy? …well apparently so if my situation is anything to go by, otherwise they’re finding it elsewhere.
Maybe couples counselling would help, but sounds like it could be difficult when you’re either doing something you don’t want to do or he’s unhappy to stay in the marriage with that on the cards.
Good luck OP, I hope your future looks happier than mine.

No you’re not expected to engage in sex you’re not comfortable with but just expecting your partner to be happy without it is naive. To never talk about it and presume they don’t mind shows a lack of concern for them. If you don’t want sex - fine - but for goodness sake discuss it with your partner and be prepared for the relationship to end. Set them free. Did you really think your DH was happy in a sexless marriage @Pollyputthekettleonlove

I agree! Sadly ! but I also feel that op had massively taken her husband for granted probably unwittingly although the birthday non gesture is telling!

"we never spoke about it and I assumed"
Well that was wrong, wasn't it? In a relationship, two people are involved. Nobody is telepathic, speech is actually required to share thoughts between the two people.

"are we supposed to engage in sex that we feel uncomfortable with just to keep the man happy?"
No. But similarly, are your partners supposed to be celibate when they don't want to be, just to keep you happy?

It's a relationship. Two people are involved. Both are of equal importance. Where there is an irreconcilable mismatch in expectations, the relationship is not viable and should end. Nobody gets to hold their spouse hostage to their personal preferences.

Poor poor man.

@Macaroni46 @WhereYouLeftIt
Ok so it’s my fault then, totally deserved it. I feel this is where we’re still so misogynistic as a society, because why was it up to me, the woman to bring it up? If my husband was the one who had the issue about lack of sex, why was that up to me to bring it up? Honestly I was quite happy not to have sex so there was no problem for me to bring up. He clearly wasn’t happy about the lack of sex, so why did he go out and cheat rather than tell me he was unhappy?

“Nobody is telepathic, speech is actually required to share thoughts between the two people.”
That’s right, so… why didn’t he speak to me about it? How else was I supposed to know he was unhappy? I’m not telepathic after all.

“are your partners supposed to be celibate when they don't want to be, just to keep you happy?”
Not necessarily, but if they don’t tell us they’re not happy with it, then how are we to know?

“Nobody gets to hold their spouse hostage to their personal preferences.”
What you mean like talking to your spouse and telling them how you feel to try to find a resolve, rather than going out shagging randoms?

Can’t believe it’s 2025 and still always the woman’s fault.

I think exploring different techniques and habits in the bedroom can make you enjoy it more.

I agree with you ultimately your DH had the problem and didn’t communicate it to you. One may argue that you could have checked in but ultimately he had the biggest burden being the one with the actual issue. Imagine if you asked and he just blew you off which some people do . Would you still be considered at fault ? Completely agree with you communication goes two ways and you can’t just read minds.

I get the feeling he didn't because he got rejected a lot so probably thought what's the point?

I have a mismatch with my DH - originally I was higher libido but eventually I largely shut down my libido entirely. We are working on it and both are committed, it is very difficult though.

What you have said is not necessarily true. Non-sexual intimacy has become so painful for me over the years. He feels all warm and fuzzy, loved and like his needs are being met. I feel utterly confronted by the lack of anything romantic between us and like I am being cuddled asexually by a brother or something. It has felt awful at times. So painful.

When we were at our height of dysfunction, I felt most comfortable with little to no contact between us and sleeping in separate beds, we could continue to be each others best friends and have a lovely time day-to-day but I wasn’t confronted by the gulf of what was missing between us. I could shut down my needs entirely and pretend it wasn’t happening.

I appreciate it’s very difficult for you but I don’t think you are making much attempt to understand him which is vital

I raised it and tried to talked to him many times over the years. I was told it was pressure, talking made things worse, maybe I’m a sex addict and many other things which drove us further into the situation. Eventually, he changed his perspective to it not being a him or me problem, but a shared problem we want to navigate together. It was late for me though and an awful lot of damage has been done

Just to add - I felt unloved, abandoned and lonely every day. Not just on days it came up, but every day I felt the weight of it. Worse, I felt like a terrible person for even feeling this way and like maybe it makes me a sexual predator for being romantically interested in my husband, or rather, wishing my husband was romantically interested in me.

No one should have sex they don’t want. But everyone also deserves loving compassion from their spouse whom they adore, to be listened to and tried to be understood

OP, if you're still reading this thread, it sounds like your husband has made it very clear where he stands, and the ball is in your court as to where to go from here.

I think your options are basically to:

A - put the effort into your marriage (including physical intimacy, however that looks like for both of you).

B - do nothing, and risk him divorcing you.

C - come up with a more creative way of ensuring both of you get your needs met, which might involve allowing him to discreetly seek intimacy outside of the marriage (although that won't solve the problem of him feeling neglected in other ways, like with the 40th birthday thing).

I suspect none of those options will be palatable for you, so it might be a case of figuring out which option sucks the least, and taking that approach.

The term’frigid’ is disgusting.

op do you not want to go away for his 40th?

Can’t believe it’s 2025 and still always the woman’s fault

@Pollyputthekettleonlove I think you’re so determined to make the above the reason for you not discussing the lack of sex in your marriage that you’ve deliberately blinded yourself to the bigger picture.

I think it was up to you to start the conversation because you were the one who took sex off the table. It’s not unreasonable to expect physical intimacy in a marriage.
He also could’ve handled things better - I agree. He could’ve told you how he was feeling - would you have listened?

I agree. If you are the one deciding the sex is stopping, you are the one changing things, you are the one who should have spoken to him with respect : I don’t know how you would have done that though and expected him to stay.

‘Martin, listen I know we used to have sex all the time, and yes I know you love it, and it’s kinda in the contract (and also the main reason you married me) but look, that’s not happening again for the next 40 years. You still have to adore me, and you cannot get it anywhere else. All Ok?’

…are people with kids and jobs really having sex 2-3 times per week?

…like really?

Some weeks yes!

Of course 😂

Um, we have 2 kids and jobs (and I’m 34 weeks pregnant) and some weeks it’s 4 plus times a week, if not full sex then mutual masturbation, bjs etc. But that’s just us. Nothing wrong with infrequent sex if that’s where both partners are at, but the way OP describes feeling “harassed” for sex happening more than a handful of times per year, indicates a real incompatibility, together with the fact she doesn’t seem to be interested in reconnecting on any other level either. A weekend away doesn’t have to be all about sex, it should also be about doing and visiting stuff it’s tricky to with kids in tow - museums, art galleries, restaurants, a bar with live music etc. The fact that OP wasn’t actually pretty keen for this herself completely shows that the “relationship” is dead in the water. And has been for years. Poor guy.

Possibly, although I suspect it's more the case that the OP came on here expecting to be told that her set-up was completely normal, her DH was a totally unreasonable sex-fiend, and to discover some magical solution which preserves everything she has at the moment but that the DH is happy about.

It is the dawning realisation that she has destroyed a decent man, and her marriage, that prevents her coming back.

Yep. When in the throws of young kids we averaged 3 times a week. Longest we’ve gone without was a month. I suspect this was when I was ill although not 100% sure. Now we’re in our 50s and the kids all grown up we are about 4 times a week on average.