I'm not sure what's happening - is it me?

[VividGoldHam]

I've created a throwaway account to ask for some perspective.

My partner and I have been together for three years. That entire time, he has lived with me and my two sons (both over 17) in a home that I own. He occasionally pays rent (200 a month, doesn't cover much) but usually I owe him money so he just takes it off that. The owed money will usually be where I have asked to borrow money for food for us all, gas or electric. We don't have anything in place about these things, I've always just paid them and he will pay for anything entertainment wise (booze, movies etc)

I'm started to feel trapped and worried and I'm not sure whether its me.

He works in a labour intensive job. I lost my dream job in September of this year and have since struggled to get work in the same industry. I've applied for hundreds, with custom cover letters and follow up phone calls and...nothing. Then I applied for literally hundreds of warehouse and driving roles just to get ANYTHING. Now it's a week before Christmas and I'll be honest, the intensity has dropped and I have been spending quite a lot of time in bed. I often don't put the telly on, I'm just fine laying here.

He has become increasingly angry at me. He will come home and ask me repeatedly if I am ok, and then give me and hug and say sorry babe, I just want a nice life for us. As the evening progresses he will become more and more angry towards me, saying things like how can he want to be with someone who has no get up and go, I'm a burden to him, he's sick of my sons living here and using the gas/keeping their windows open/eating so much. He end up screaming that I am lazy. My response is usually calm and I stay calm. I understand that I need a job but it's just been really, really hard and demoralising and it's really getting me down. I previously was the higher earner for the majority of our relationship.

There's other things. He insists that I initiate intimacy because "why should it always be him" but I find it hard to go from him shouting at me (rightfully) about not contributing currently, to putting on outfits and being sexy. He hates me wearing comfy clothes and will say things like "don't you think you should make more effort/take care of yourself better" "you look a lot sexier with dark eye make up" and he will get my make up out and slyly put it next to me when I'm not looking so it just happens to be there and I put it on.

I rarely try and argue back because he is right I do need to be working. Often there's little point in responding as he will say I'm just filling the air with noise and not allowing him to get his points across. There's a lot of holding his head in his hands and saying "eff this what I am doing here" under his breathe. He's obviously very frustrated with me but I don't know what else I can do.

I don't know what to even do about Christmas at this point other than ask him to lend me further money so I can get a few bits. He's going to his ex-wife and her husband for xmas (to see his daughter) and I'll be here alone (the boys are going away with their grandparents)

I'm not 100% sure reading this back that this is a great situation, but I don't know how to fight back. I don't know what to do at all.

I'd known him for years prior we used to work together. It was after about 6 months.

He’s a dangerous abuser who is escalating fairly rapidly - and expertly, which suggests you aren’t his first victim. I think you should start making plans to split, and make sure you’ve got support lined up because he will turn nasty when he realises you’re pulling away.

Get rid of him today, OP. And be prepared to accept any job while you search for a job more suited to you.

Honestly? You ask him to move out.
This is not a loving relationship. No, it's not "rightfully" for him to shout at you. For any reason.
He lives in your property without contributing (booze and movies is not a contribution). You pay utilities and it is none of his business what YOUR kids do in THEIR home. A home that you pay to run.
Throw the whole man in the bin. That's what you do for Christmas!

Yeah, you need to get him out of your house. Your kids can do what they like in their home. Him paying the odd £200 is quite frankly pathetic. It sounds like he’s really worn you down. Please get some support, maybe women’s aid & get him out.

He sounds like an abusive cocklodger to me. It's your house but he resents your son's living there.
'eff this what am I doing here?' He can fuck off then!
He is trying to control how you look and making you feel bad about yourself so that you will be dependent on him.
I know that this is a lot easier said than done, but I would be telling him to leave. Ignore him if he tells you that you can't manage without him. You may well find that you feel a whole lot better without him screaming at you. It would also be worth you looking into UC ( if you haven't already). Have you anyone who could pay back any money you 'owe' him to get him off your back. You have my sympathy over the job situation. It's a really tough labour market out there at the moment.💐

OP what do you get from this relationship?

He is nasty to you, doesn't pay his way for essentials and jusy covers treats. Moved in 5 minutes after meeting you.
Moans about your DC whose home he is living in.

Honestly you will be better off alone than living like this. Get yourself a nice Christmas gift of peace and quiet after telling him to shove off to his ex full time.

So he's been living an easy life witth yoy but now you don't have a job and he needs to contribute he isn't happy. Once you get a job, ask him to leave.

As if the 1st comment was to drag you down when you clearly are being abused and are likely depressed!

If you can get rid of him then please do it.

You need to get him out again and asap. Preferably today. He needs to be gone now and for good.

He moans about your kids. I would also think your sons wonder why on earth you are with him. They likely cannot abide this man because they see you unhappy and on eggshells. You will need to say sorry to your DC going forward for inflicting this character on their lives.

You may have worked together previously but clearly you did not know this man as well as you thought you did. Abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world and he showed you a false impression of him.

Enrol yourself onto the Freedom programme going forward and do not date or enter into another relationship until your boundaries are a lot healthier than they are currently.

I'd have the locks changed before you could say Merry Christmas. He's taking the mick royally. He's not rightfully shouting - no one has the right to shout at anyone. Run for the hills and don't look back, he's using you. There's so many red flags, I feel desperately sad for you because I've been there. But you love him, so he could change. He won't.

The bloke is a walking, talking red flag. I feel sad for your kids having to live with that.

On reading this back , what would your advice be if someone else wrote this ?

I agree with everything that's been said, he is toxic and needs to be booted out.
It also sounds like you might be depressed, understandably, what with the devastating job situation plus his bullshit. Be kind to yourself. Ask your GP about depression.

It's awful OP if you can't see what's happening here. You need to throw him out immediately. You have ALL the power here....it's he who will have nowhere to live. Maybe if he'd been contributing properly over the three years you would have some savings. He's taking resources from you and your children and treating you with contempt. He doesn't love you or even like you. Put your children first.

You need to do the Women's Aid freedom course thing and gain some self respect. Otherwise this is going to keep happening. You don't want to risk leaving this abuser and finding someone half as abusive and thinking he's great in comparison.

What is happening is that he is financially and emotionally abusing you, and No, it is not you, it is HIM! Why are you 'borrowing' money from him for food? Why isn't he paying his fair share for rent, utilities, food, everything?! You should be the one with your head in your hands muttering 'what am I ffing doing in this relationship'?!

As they are not his children we've always had the agreement that I would pay for their needs and that wouldn't come out of his money - why should he have to pay for my children, I've always felt that should be me.

I'm reading all your responses but I would be kidding myself if I pretended I had the gumption to kick him out before Christmas. I just wanted to know how angry it's reasonable for another person to be about the job thing. I haven't been doing enough, been lazy and probably not always looked great when he's come home from work. I make him dinner and do all the housework, obviously.

I feel pretty desolate after reading this to be honest.

It's not really all that reasonable to be angry unless you are 1. Chronically unemployed and doing nothing to resolve it (which, I am getting isn't at all the case" AND 2. Living entirely off his money (again, that's not the case here).

And you don't owe him "looking nice". If the roles were reversed and he was the one unemployed, I promise you he would not be meeting you from work freshly showered, wearing an ironed shirt and smelling of nice cologne. With dinner ready.

Fine if he isn't paying for your sons food, but is he paying his share of the food, utiliites etc? Is he paying rent? Not an occasional 200 but regular, and where would he get a roof over his head for 200?

As for anger at your job situation, my partner was out of work for 18 months, we used the time to do some fun things because we knew time would be at a premium once he got a job again (which has proven to be the case now). I was not angry with him at all! He applied for half a dozen jobs at the time, nothing like what you have. You've worked all your life, and the economy/job situation is dire. It is fine to be upset about it. Any decent, kind human being would be supportive and buoying you up, not getting angry at you. And, as for looking your best when he comes home from work, I don't know where to start ....:(

Please work on your self-esteem, and know that you deserve so much better than this. Even if you can't kick him out before Christmas, please do get your ducks in a row, and your head around the idea of kicking him out!

What positives does he bring to your life? Honestly?

Do you feel happy, cared for, secure and loved? No. He is making your life (and that of your dc) a misery. He does absolutely nothing to make your life better and everything to make you feel like shit.

He is abusing you. Please tell him to pack his shit and move out. If he won't go, call the police and they will help to remove him from your home.

Every new day with him is a day too long. He solely sees you as his meal ticket, and you are malfunctioning in that role. This is not a loving partnership, where you take turns supporting each other through life's ups and downs.

Get in touch wit women’s Aid. Do you have any friends who can help you? Enlist your sons. Pack up all his stuff and get the locks changed. Losing him will be the best Christmas present you could give yourself and your kids.
see what you can get from UC and apply for discounted council tax.

but get rid of him asap. Take whatever RL support you can get and muster all your strength to get him out. If he contacts you or comes round the phone the police. Block him on social media and your phone as tell your sons to do the same. Good luck and be strong. You will not believe the relief you will feel when he has gone.