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Original poster

I'm not sure what's happening - is it me?

108 replies

VividGoldHam · 18/12/2025 14:47

I've created a throwaway account to ask for some perspective.

My partner and I have been together for three years. That entire time, he has lived with me and my two sons (both over 17) in a home that I own. He occasionally pays rent (200 a month, doesn't cover much) but usually I owe him money so he just takes it off that. The owed money will usually be where I have asked to borrow money for food for us all, gas or electric. We don't have anything in place about these things, I've always just paid them and he will pay for anything entertainment wise (booze, movies etc)

I'm started to feel trapped and worried and I'm not sure whether its me.

He works in a labour intensive job. I lost my dream job in September of this year and have since struggled to get work in the same industry. I've applied for hundreds, with custom cover letters and follow up phone calls and...nothing. Then I applied for literally hundreds of warehouse and driving roles just to get ANYTHING. Now it's a week before Christmas and I'll be honest, the intensity has dropped and I have been spending quite a lot of time in bed. I often don't put the telly on, I'm just fine laying here.

He has become increasingly angry at me. He will come home and ask me repeatedly if I am ok, and then give me and hug and say sorry babe, I just want a nice life for us. As the evening progresses he will become more and more angry towards me, saying things like how can he want to be with someone who has no get up and go, I'm a burden to him, he's sick of my sons living here and using the gas/keeping their windows open/eating so much. He end up screaming that I am lazy. My response is usually calm and I stay calm. I understand that I need a job but it's just been really, really hard and demoralising and it's really getting me down. I previously was the higher earner for the majority of our relationship.

There's other things. He insists that I initiate intimacy because "why should it always be him" but I find it hard to go from him shouting at me (rightfully) about not contributing currently, to putting on outfits and being sexy. He hates me wearing comfy clothes and will say things like "don't you think you should make more effort/take care of yourself better" "you look a lot sexier with dark eye make up" and he will get my make up out and slyly put it next to me when I'm not looking so it just happens to be there and I put it on.

I rarely try and argue back because he is right I do need to be working. Often there's little point in responding as he will say I'm just filling the air with noise and not allowing him to get his points across. There's a lot of holding his head in his hands and saying "eff this what I am doing here" under his breathe. He's obviously very frustrated with me but I don't know what else I can do.

I don't know what to even do about Christmas at this point other than ask him to lend me further money so I can get a few bits. He's going to his ex-wife and her husband for xmas (to see his daughter) and I'll be here alone (the boys are going away with their grandparents)

I'm not 100% sure reading this back that this is a great situation, but I don't know how to fight back. I don't know what to do at all.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 18/12/2025 17:13

@VividGoldHam I'm going to be brutal here OP. He bungs you the odd pathetic £200 for bed and board and makes you feel like shit. Do you think your kids are happy in this atmosphere? What's it teaching them? He's nothing more than a cock lodger. Do you honestly think his cock is worth it? Is it really that good.

Fiftyandme · 18/12/2025 17:14

You’ve got yourself a cock lodger

Original poster
VividGoldHam · 18/12/2025 17:17

IsThisTheWaytoSlamMyPillow · 18/12/2025 17:01

What a fucking arsehole. If you can’t face the upheaval before Christmas then PLEASE tell him to leave as soon as you can afterwards. Once he’s gone change the locks - it’s pretty easy to do, you and/or your sons should be able to do it with the help of YouTube and then block him so he doesn’t promise the earth to win you over.

HE IS ABUSIVE - EMOTIONALLY AND FINANCIALLY AT LEAST.

The underlying issues with your mental health are undoubtedly caused by him and how he treats you. You don’t need to always be initiating sex and certainly don’t need to be ‘getting dressed up’ to fulfil his fantasies. He’s manipulative, making you think and feel like you’re not worthy and he’s doing you a huge favour, probably making out you won’t manage without him. He brings nothing to the table and you managed before you met him. In fact, I’ll bet you were doing far, far better before he came along love-bombing you.

Financially I get he doesn’t want to pay for your sons (although much kinder people would at least contribute a bit) BUT he’s not even paying for himself! You don’t owe him money because you’ve borrowed it to buy food! He should be paying AT LEAST 1/4 of everything - all bills except rent/mortgage, all food, all trips out etc etc. He’s getting a very easy ride cocklodging at your expense.

If you get chance read “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, it’s an eye-opener and a real education.

Having been in a similar situation I wish you well - YOU CAN DO THIS and you can be free of him. He is not who you think he is, and never will be. YOU DESERVE FAR MORE and so do your sons - he’s not a good role model at all.

Sorry for all the capitals - I’m not shouting just want you to see the most important parts of you skim through answers. You are much stronger, smarter and deserving than you believe (and he’ll have eroded you confidence and self esteem).

I'm not skim reading. Every response is a gift, although it's been a hard afternoon reading the very obvious unanimous feeling. I'm conscious he'll be back soon and it's going to look like I haven't done anything again all day.

I'm hoping he's not drinking tonight but it's his pay day, I feel these responses have fuelled an anger inside me towards him and I know I don't have the energy or capacity to have it out today. I just want to curl up in a ball.

I have ordered the suggested book above from Amazon with a giftcard. The reviews look really positive for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
VividGoldHam · 18/12/2025 17:19

ginasevern · 18/12/2025 17:13

@VividGoldHam I'm going to be brutal here OP. He bungs you the odd pathetic £200 for bed and board and makes you feel like shit. Do you think your kids are happy in this atmosphere? What's it teaching them? He's nothing more than a cock lodger. Do you honestly think his cock is worth it? Is it really that good.

At this point it's just pretending for me because he will go to sleep or I'll feel like I have at least fulfilled tat part of what I am meant to be doing.

It used to be great and he would take the lead but now he wants to be very....let' say, passive, and I find it hard to muster the enthusiasm.

OP posts:
EchoesOfOurDreams · 18/12/2025 17:21

Congratulations you've got yourself a grade A cocklodger. And an abusive twat of a cocklodger as well.

Get rid is my advice.

lemonraspberry · 18/12/2025 17:22

Op this man has zero respect or empathy for you or holds you with any regard. You are just a meal ticket to him. He is building you up to drop you again which keeps you hanging on. The fact he is away to his ex wife for Christmas tells you all you need to know. He owes you money for rent. The £200 barely covers his share of the bills.

This man brings nothing to the table or any good into your world. Get an exit strategy in place & kick him out.

EchoesOfOurDreams · 18/12/2025 17:22

VividGoldHam · 18/12/2025 16:23

This hit hard, thank you. I guess it does seem to him that I am malfunctioning.

It's just very hard to fight the part of me that is convinced he is right on some level. I don't make enough effort, I don't initiate intimacy. I do seem to have spent a large portion of the last two months laying down in a darkened room.

Show quote history

He is not right on any level. He's an abusive cunt. Don't let him get to you or wear you down. You need to throw the whole man away.

Legomum789 · 18/12/2025 17:24

I’ve just spilt with someone for incredibly similar reasons. Been together 3 years and he’s been in my house for 2 of them (adult DS also living here) but has contributed a grand total of £850 towards his keep for the whole of that time. Friends are amazed that I put up with this, plus the guilt tripping and gaslighting, for so long. It took me months to square up to him and get him out but I haven’t looked back since he went 3 weeks ago. The relief and sense of freedom is massive. Now, I’m a mousy little person who wouldn’t say boo to a goose and I’ve surprised myself that I managed to do this but what I want to say to you is that if I can do it so can you.
Practice what you want to say, write it down if you like to help you order your thoughts. But YOU CAN DO IT

Tinatubby73 · 18/12/2025 17:26

He's nothing but an abusive bully OP. You need him gone ASAP. He's controlling you! Your son's have every right to do whatever they want in their home. He's got an easy life and deliberately pulling you down to make you feel worthless. He's not even contributing financially for heavens sake. So many red flags. Get rid of the dickhead

ginasevern · 18/12/2025 17:28

VividGoldHam · 18/12/2025 17:19

At this point it's just pretending for me because he will go to sleep or I'll feel like I have at least fulfilled tat part of what I am meant to be doing.

It used to be great and he would take the lead but now he wants to be very....let' say, passive, and I find it hard to muster the enthusiasm.

Show quote history

You're missing the point OP. Is the man himself (regardless of his cock) worth any of this? He's paying virtually no rent and making you miserable. I also asked you to think about your children in this set up. Are you even thinking about their happiness at all, or just the dynamic between you and this man? You don't seem to be listening to any of the advice on this thread, even though your situation is wrong on so many levels. I don't understand why you're so keen to hang on to this bloke at any price.

Original poster
VividGoldHam · 18/12/2025 17:29

Legomum789 · 18/12/2025 17:24

I’ve just spilt with someone for incredibly similar reasons. Been together 3 years and he’s been in my house for 2 of them (adult DS also living here) but has contributed a grand total of £850 towards his keep for the whole of that time. Friends are amazed that I put up with this, plus the guilt tripping and gaslighting, for so long. It took me months to square up to him and get him out but I haven’t looked back since he went 3 weeks ago. The relief and sense of freedom is massive. Now, I’m a mousy little person who wouldn’t say boo to a goose and I’ve surprised myself that I managed to do this but what I want to say to you is that if I can do it so can you.
Practice what you want to say, write it down if you like to help you order your thoughts. But YOU CAN DO IT

I'm sorry that happened to you and how awful for us both that this isn't an isolated behaviour pattern. Our situations sound super similar.

Was there a straw that broke the camels back? I'm struggling to visualise what kicking him out would look like a on other occasions it's been off the back of him being on a bender and usually him storming out or I've done it in anger, then when he's come and sadly knocked on the door in the morning (which I can lock from the inside) he's been sorry and I've been lonely and panicked at what I've done and I've just let him back in.

OP posts:
ArcticBear · 18/12/2025 17:29

VividGoldHam · 18/12/2025 16:23

This hit hard, thank you. I guess it does seem to him that I am malfunctioning.

It's just very hard to fight the part of me that is convinced he is right on some level. I don't make enough effort, I don't initiate intimacy. I do seem to have spent a large portion of the last two months laying down in a darkened room.

Show quote history

If you’ve been lying in a dark room for a few months with no motivation to do anything, you might be suffering from situational depression. This is temporary brought on by stressful events like job loss. But also no doubt your situation with your ‘partner’ is contributing to that too. I’d definitely make an appointment with your GP about that.
Women’s Aid for help / advice about what to do to get rid of your ‘partner.’

WilfredsPies · 18/12/2025 17:30

VividGoldHam · 18/12/2025 17:10

Thank you so much for the time and detail in this. I've reread it several times and it's become clear I'm almost completely detached from the situation because I have been seeing these things as primarily my own fault for not having what's needed to keep myself out of decline. But your responses really show things in a different light.

Show quote history

You’re not the first woman to have this, and you won’t be the last. They find someone who is reasonable and kind and they hone in on them. He’s a parasite. And he will take and take until you have nothing left to give and zero self esteem.

Find your anger. If you think something might be your fault, ask yourself what you’d think if your best friend was telling you this. You are the exact same woman you were before you met him. You might have lost your self esteem, your job and a bit of your mojo, but you haven’t lost your capability. You are raising two boys by yourself, you owned your home and you’ve had a brilliant career that was halted through no fault of your own. You’re having a rough time at the moment, but that isn’t going to last forever. In the meantime, you just need to get rid of everything that drags you down and takes more from you than you have to give. Which is that ponce.

maggiemuff · 18/12/2025 17:31

He is gas lighting you

EchoesOfOurDreams · 18/12/2025 17:33

VividGoldHam · 18/12/2025 17:29

I'm sorry that happened to you and how awful for us both that this isn't an isolated behaviour pattern. Our situations sound super similar.

Was there a straw that broke the camels back? I'm struggling to visualise what kicking him out would look like a on other occasions it's been off the back of him being on a bender and usually him storming out or I've done it in anger, then when he's come and sadly knocked on the door in the morning (which I can lock from the inside) he's been sorry and I've been lonely and panicked at what I've done and I've just let him back in.

Show quote history

You say he will be away on Xmas day and so will your kids. So what you do is on Xmas day get a locksmith out to change the locks and then send him a text telling him it's over and that he can come and collect his stuff which will be outside the house/in the porch whatever. If he gives you any trouble you then call the police. It doesn't need to be more complicated than that.

If you can’t face doing this on Xmas day then do it the next time he is out of the house for the day.

Original poster
VividGoldHam · 18/12/2025 17:34

ginasevern · 18/12/2025 17:28

You're missing the point OP. Is the man himself (regardless of his cock) worth any of this? He's paying virtually no rent and making you miserable. I also asked you to think about your children in this set up. Are you even thinking about their happiness at all, or just the dynamic between you and this man? You don't seem to be listening to any of the advice on this thread, even though your situation is wrong on so many levels. I don't understand why you're so keen to hang on to this bloke at any price.

Show quote history

I am listening and reading everything.

My sons are currently not here during this particular escalation (nightly for the ast two weeks really) they are with their Dad (only down the road)and most often he won't scream and shout when they are. My older son stays with his girlfriend quite a bit and my younger son has college and works but since I own this house outright (inherited) I don't ask him to contribute, my parents didn't until I was out of full time education. They don't love him or see him as a stepdad but they don't see the worst of his behaviour.

Don't get my responses wrong, I am processing all of these replies very carefully and like he says, I sometimes might seem blank or like I am not taking things in but I am.

OP posts:
Blizzardofleaves · 18/12/2025 17:39

He has been FREE LOADING for YEARS and now he is openly angry with you because his gravy train is drying up. It’s absolutely sickening.

Do you even like dressing up and putting on dark make up? Forced to sleep with him after his treatment of you is actually distressing to read.

snugasabug75 · 18/12/2025 17:40

VividGoldHam · 18/12/2025 17:29

I'm sorry that happened to you and how awful for us both that this isn't an isolated behaviour pattern. Our situations sound super similar.

Was there a straw that broke the camels back? I'm struggling to visualise what kicking him out would look like a on other occasions it's been off the back of him being on a bender and usually him storming out or I've done it in anger, then when he's come and sadly knocked on the door in the morning (which I can lock from the inside) he's been sorry and I've been lonely and panicked at what I've done and I've just let him back in.

Show quote history

So why are you letting him back in? Are you scared of being alone?

Blizzardofleaves · 18/12/2025 17:43

You are not blank op, you are being abused. You do know he is absorbing your children’s inheritance. Every penny you spend on his food and bills is your boys money. He is literally charging YOU to live there with free sex as he wants it, Jesus op.

TwoTuesday · 18/12/2025 17:46

How are you a burden when you're housing him for free? I bet the money you "owe" him is for things he enjoys. The bills should be shared, if he doesnt like it he knows where the door is. You'll be financially better off without his food bill to cover. Plus 25% discount on your council tax if your kids are students.
You've nothing to be ashamed of. He is a nasty selfish man who's taking advantage of you. Stop cooking his dinner for a start. He should be looking after you at the moment, when you're struggling, not making you feel worse.

ElderlyCat · 18/12/2025 17:49

Honestly when he leaves for Christmas I would change the locks and pack up his stuff.

TaraC25 · 18/12/2025 18:00

He does sound abusive, however I'm a bit confused about the financial situation....
You said he pays £200?
Whilst you don't have a mortgage on your home, how are you paying the other bills Council Tax, Water, Gas etc?

I think you need to admit defeat and take any job going, rather than trying to get one in a certain industry.

waitingforthehallmarkedman · 18/12/2025 18:02

Pack his shit up while he's with his ex for Xmas and tell him to not bother coming back. I guarantee you'll start to feel lighter and happier.

CoralOP · 18/12/2025 18:03

OP you said it's fair enough he doesnt pay for costs relating to your kids (heating, food etc). Have you asked yourselves why he should live basically rent free as a fully grown adult? Who on earth gets that luxury?
You can't think it's OK that you live together and you pay for everything. What a terrible man he is and a horrible situation you have got yourself into.
I often think that a lot of people go ott on here shouting abuse for any reason but I really feel you are in an abusive situation and you aren't seeing clearly.
Please get him out before Xmas, he can go and find someone else to put dark eyeshadow on for him and you can live out your life in peace. Sending strength, I know this is difficult but you can do hard things and come out stronger and happier.

TwistedWonder · 18/12/2025 18:11

JFC - so you moved a cocklodging twat into your home with teenagers after about 5 minutes

He is an abusive cunt and the example you’re setting your DC an example that it’s fine for men to treat women like shit.

Please tell this useless freeloader to pack his bags and be gone. He’s a waste of space.

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