I'm not sure what's happening - is it me?

[VividGoldHam]

I've created a throwaway account to ask for some perspective.

My partner and I have been together for three years. That entire time, he has lived with me and my two sons (both over 17) in a home that I own. He occasionally pays rent (200 a month, doesn't cover much) but usually I owe him money so he just takes it off that. The owed money will usually be where I have asked to borrow money for food for us all, gas or electric. We don't have anything in place about these things, I've always just paid them and he will pay for anything entertainment wise (booze, movies etc)

I'm started to feel trapped and worried and I'm not sure whether its me.

He works in a labour intensive job. I lost my dream job in September of this year and have since struggled to get work in the same industry. I've applied for hundreds, with custom cover letters and follow up phone calls and...nothing. Then I applied for literally hundreds of warehouse and driving roles just to get ANYTHING. Now it's a week before Christmas and I'll be honest, the intensity has dropped and I have been spending quite a lot of time in bed. I often don't put the telly on, I'm just fine laying here.

He has become increasingly angry at me. He will come home and ask me repeatedly if I am ok, and then give me and hug and say sorry babe, I just want a nice life for us. As the evening progresses he will become more and more angry towards me, saying things like how can he want to be with someone who has no get up and go, I'm a burden to him, he's sick of my sons living here and using the gas/keeping their windows open/eating so much. He end up screaming that I am lazy. My response is usually calm and I stay calm. I understand that I need a job but it's just been really, really hard and demoralising and it's really getting me down. I previously was the higher earner for the majority of our relationship.

There's other things. He insists that I initiate intimacy because "why should it always be him" but I find it hard to go from him shouting at me (rightfully) about not contributing currently, to putting on outfits and being sexy. He hates me wearing comfy clothes and will say things like "don't you think you should make more effort/take care of yourself better" "you look a lot sexier with dark eye make up" and he will get my make up out and slyly put it next to me when I'm not looking so it just happens to be there and I put it on.

I rarely try and argue back because he is right I do need to be working. Often there's little point in responding as he will say I'm just filling the air with noise and not allowing him to get his points across. There's a lot of holding his head in his hands and saying "eff this what I am doing here" under his breathe. He's obviously very frustrated with me but I don't know what else I can do.

I don't know what to even do about Christmas at this point other than ask him to lend me further money so I can get a few bits. He's going to his ex-wife and her husband for xmas (to see his daughter) and I'll be here alone (the boys are going away with their grandparents)

I'm not 100% sure reading this back that this is a great situation, but I don't know how to fight back. I don't know what to do at all.

Universal credit and I have a small passive income. I do need to take any job going but even that is proving hard at this point in the year.

He sounds like a horrible man. Get rid asap for your sake and for the sake of your kids. If he paid 50:50 of the bills/food costs, I'd say he would have a reason to be cross with you. He's just angry because he had it easy for years and now he has to spend his money. Kick him out, then start healing and find a job.

I had known him both through work and socially for quite a few years prior. But yes, your other points are true and a deep worry.

But just because you knew him socially, you still moved him in far too quickly.

And as you’ve discovered, how someone is as a friend, is often nothing like they are as a partner.

Most abusers are thought of as top blokes by those who they surround themselves with. They only show their true selves behind closed doors.

Get rid. Pack his stuff in his bags. Have them outside after changing the locks. Text him your stuff is outside now fuck off. Then block. Ring the police if he hassles you. Ask me how I know?

You sound a little depressed, losing your job, struggling to find another and being abused by someone that’s supposed to love you will do that. Maybe speak to your gp? Hugs to you, in a similar boat myself.

I think you need to lay off the OP a bit. She is not going to go from zero to 100 in a space of a few hours. As much as we'd all love for her to kick him out right this second, it's a lot for her to process. And she could use some support from us, not criticism on top of already being criticised by a man who is supposed to be her rock.

I've read all your updates.

• You will feel better, and more able to find a job, with this cocklodger gone from your life.
• It's your home, so you can change the locks and put his stuff outside in binbags whilst he's away. You can change Euro locks yourself.
• Get a benefits checkup on Turn2Us to see what you'll be entitled to once he's gone.

This is off- he manages to lend you money because he is living free off you. Why have you not put things in place from day one for his part to contribute?

Why does he moan about how much energy your kids use when he does not pay for it?

you are better off alone, and i thought i would never say that

Sorry if I missed it in an update... How do you owe him money then?

How long were you together before he moved in?

Thanks, it's ok - this has helped so much. The proximity to Christmas means I feel stuck in this moment but I have never been more sure that things are not right in this situation.

He's on the way home now. I've put on very comfy clothes and made his least favourite dinner. It's all I can muster today but feels like a start. I'll go to bed straight after dinner and he's unlikely to disturb me sleeping as it gives him 'time to himself' which is just playing slots on his phone from what I can tell.

I won't be able to come back on here today but I will read and cherish any more responses tomorrow x

I've had to borrow from him to keep the electric on. I could probably 'make' him give it to me but he will start about the boys not using their computers if he pays for the electric, them not opening their windows if he pays for the gas, not eating food if he pays for it and I don't want DS's to feel like they don't have a home. It's easier to 'borrow' it.

He’s a knob, why would you let anyone tell you to put make up on or not to wear casual clothes around the house. Don’t let your kids see this is how women should be treated. Christmas or not show him the door.

Kick him out he sounds like he’s turned you into a shadow of the woman you was. Honestly you need that dark cloud and energy out of your house. Sod Christmas! He won’t be with you anyway but with his ex wife?!

So you didn't borrow money at all you asked for contribution to the bills and he basically wants you to pay him that back so he can continue to live there for free. The absolute cheeky fucker.

The sooner you get rid the better. Do it as a Christmas present to yourself and your kids. I promise you your lives will be so much better with him out of it.

Kick him out? Not even sure why you’re asking?

I'm glad you are processing all the responses on this board, but it is a worrying sign that you use him and his voice as a reference point for your behavior ('like he says, I sometimes might seem blank or like I am not taking things in but I am'). Please do not let his opinions define your sense of self. Can you afford to get therapy?

Are you afraid of being alone?

Wow. You need to get some selfesteem and boundaries on here @VividGoldHam . He's so taking the piss. Appreciate that you feel deflated for the job but that's not an excuse for letting yourself be exploited like this. If he was to rent somewhere he would be paying atleast 800£. Now he's living rentfree the stingy abusive bastard. Make 2026 free of this freeloader.

He is a disgusting freeloading cocklodger. How DARE he expect you to fund him?

And he’s dangerously abusive. Please get him to leave. His behaviour is escalating.

You and your dc deserve MUCH better.

This. The bloody CHEEK of him.

Fuck Christmas, implode Christmas, you're allowed.

He’s a revolting parasite who has drained you to point you can’t function anymore. The sooner you get him out the sooner you can start to recover from this. Everything in your life will improve once he’s gone. There will be some trauma addiction to overcome but that is all it will be. The only way to save yourself is to get rid of him.

Get him out and take any job until you find something in your field.

This is such a sad read.

What do you love about this man? I can't think he has any redeeming features.

You know that you need to make a plan to get him out of your house and your life. Of course he wants you to get a job because then you can carry on paying for everything whilst he just pays occasionally. He's got a pretty good deal hasn't he?

You should read your posts back thinking that it was your dearest friend writing this about her partner. What would you think and what would you suggest she did?

I hope you can get some help to get this man out of your life.