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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm not sure what's happening - is it me?

108 replies

VividGoldHam · 18/12/2025 14:47

I've created a throwaway account to ask for some perspective.

My partner and I have been together for three years. That entire time, he has lived with me and my two sons (both over 17) in a home that I own. He occasionally pays rent (200 a month, doesn't cover much) but usually I owe him money so he just takes it off that. The owed money will usually be where I have asked to borrow money for food for us all, gas or electric. We don't have anything in place about these things, I've always just paid them and he will pay for anything entertainment wise (booze, movies etc)

I'm started to feel trapped and worried and I'm not sure whether its me.

He works in a labour intensive job. I lost my dream job in September of this year and have since struggled to get work in the same industry. I've applied for hundreds, with custom cover letters and follow up phone calls and...nothing. Then I applied for literally hundreds of warehouse and driving roles just to get ANYTHING. Now it's a week before Christmas and I'll be honest, the intensity has dropped and I have been spending quite a lot of time in bed. I often don't put the telly on, I'm just fine laying here.

He has become increasingly angry at me. He will come home and ask me repeatedly if I am ok, and then give me and hug and say sorry babe, I just want a nice life for us. As the evening progresses he will become more and more angry towards me, saying things like how can he want to be with someone who has no get up and go, I'm a burden to him, he's sick of my sons living here and using the gas/keeping their windows open/eating so much. He end up screaming that I am lazy. My response is usually calm and I stay calm. I understand that I need a job but it's just been really, really hard and demoralising and it's really getting me down. I previously was the higher earner for the majority of our relationship.

There's other things. He insists that I initiate intimacy because "why should it always be him" but I find it hard to go from him shouting at me (rightfully) about not contributing currently, to putting on outfits and being sexy. He hates me wearing comfy clothes and will say things like "don't you think you should make more effort/take care of yourself better" "you look a lot sexier with dark eye make up" and he will get my make up out and slyly put it next to me when I'm not looking so it just happens to be there and I put it on.

I rarely try and argue back because he is right I do need to be working. Often there's little point in responding as he will say I'm just filling the air with noise and not allowing him to get his points across. There's a lot of holding his head in his hands and saying "eff this what I am doing here" under his breathe. He's obviously very frustrated with me but I don't know what else I can do.

I don't know what to even do about Christmas at this point other than ask him to lend me further money so I can get a few bits. He's going to his ex-wife and her husband for xmas (to see his daughter) and I'll be here alone (the boys are going away with their grandparents)

I'm not 100% sure reading this back that this is a great situation, but I don't know how to fight back. I don't know what to do at all.

OP posts:
Loloblue · 18/12/2025 16:17

Hey it's very sad to read this and the way you're describing his abhorrent behaviour as 'rightful' when he has basically free lodgings. He is not being a good partner to you. Worse, he's coercive and controlling. Please end this asap.

ThisJadeBear · 18/12/2025 16:21

If you are hanging on to him to make yourself better, you are going to end up feeling worse.
The thing about the silent placing of the eye make up made me retch.
So you have two kids, you do all the housework and cook dinner and he wants to come home to a made up sex doll?
Vile.
Also quite happy to put his child first on Christmas Day as you are doing with yours, but he’s leaving you for whole day? Weird.
He’s abusive, he’s a Christmas cocklodger and he’s bringing not nothing to your world.
No woman wants to have sex with a man who is being verbally abusive.
You sound depressed, OP.
The only way forward is to get him out, I think you’d be surprised at how much better off you are in every way.

Original poster
VividGoldHam · 18/12/2025 16:23

Thepossibility · 18/12/2025 16:10

Every new day with him is a day too long. He solely sees you as his meal ticket, and you are malfunctioning in that role. This is not a loving partnership, where you take turns supporting each other through life's ups and downs.

This hit hard, thank you. I guess it does seem to him that I am malfunctioning.

It's just very hard to fight the part of me that is convinced he is right on some level. I don't make enough effort, I don't initiate intimacy. I do seem to have spent a large portion of the last two months laying down in a darkened room.

OP posts:
Timelineuk · 18/12/2025 16:27

Change the locks, report to police if you feel unsafe. How dare he shout at you in your home. He sounds dreadful. Once he’s out of your life things will fall into place. He’s making it worse. Big hugs

Original poster
VividGoldHam · 18/12/2025 16:28

It's hard even reading my own responses to be honest let alone some of the things I've written there that have been picked out - like the make-up thing, whenever I've tried to explain I don't want to wear eye makeup I do a lot of skincare I just don't like wearing mascara at home he will get very offended and almost pretend he didn't put it there or pass it off as "just an idea to make me feel sexier and more confident"

Yeah in black and white reading this I feel more ashamed than ever.

OP posts:
Newlife12 · 18/12/2025 16:28

OP, this man sounds like my ex. An abusive dick. You and your sons will be much happier when he is gone. 200 per month the cheeky fucker.

SkipAd · 18/12/2025 16:29

Please don’t feel ashamed. That is not helpful for you.
Listen to some of the wise women on here.

UxmalFan · 18/12/2025 16:30

Dont fight back OP. Talk to a DV support line about the safest way to get him out of your life.

FreeRangeClassA6LargeEggs · 18/12/2025 16:35

VividGoldHam · 18/12/2025 15:53

As they are not his children we've always had the agreement that I would pay for their needs and that wouldn't come out of his money - why should he have to pay for my children, I've always felt that should be me.

I'm reading all your responses but I would be kidding myself if I pretended I had the gumption to kick him out before Christmas. I just wanted to know how angry it's reasonable for another person to be about the job thing. I haven't been doing enough, been lazy and probably not always looked great when he's come home from work. I make him dinner and do all the housework, obviously.

I feel pretty desolate after reading this to be honest.

Show quote history

There shouldn't be any anger, you're adults. There should be open communication and compromise. Not blame and shame and feeling worthless 😕

NutButterOnToast · 18/12/2025 16:35

Shame is the most unhelpful emotion ever, it keeps you small and stuck.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing.

You're a normal, hard working woman who has got a rough patch employment wise.

But your partner is sucking all the joy out of you. His actions are abusive. He doesn't pay enough - where can he get a roof over his head for an occasional 200 quid? Nowhere! He makes you feel like shit, like you owe him and is horrible about your children who have more right to the house than he does.

ThisJadeBear · 18/12/2025 16:35

Do not feel ashamed. You have two healthy kids, and you’ve had a great career and recently lost a great job through not fault of your own.
He should feel ashamed - he’s living in a home for nothing, he’s a bully and a freeloader.
He should be encouraging you and connecting with you - that’s what a partner should do.
You have done nothing wrong, you sound very, very down.
There isn’t a woman on earth who would want him turning up for dinner with that attitude. I know it’s really, really hard but he’s not going to be with you on Christmas Day anyway.
I would ask him to leave.

Nopersbro · 18/12/2025 16:37

I read the first paragraph, thinking "Hmmm, assuming you own your house outright and don't have a mortgage, it's up to you whether or not you charge him rent and how much. But he should be paying 25% of the food and utility bills up front. Even if you haven't asked, the fact that he isn't proactively offering this even though he KNOWS and regularly sees that you're frequently stretching to pay the bills would make me distrust him and wonder about his commitment to the relationship and his care for your well-being rather than just his own."

Then I read the next paragraph: As the evening progresses he will become more and more angry towards me, saying things like how can he want to be with someone who has no get up and go, I'm a burden to him, he's sick of my sons living here and using the gas/keeping their windows open/eating so much. He end up screaming that I am lazy. Oh, no WAY in HELL !!!! End the relationship and tell him to leave your house, now. Sorry, I know it's easier said than done but what an arsehole!!

(I did read the rest but none of it changed my mind. I couldn't get past the fact that he's yelling at you, but if I could - HE'S yelling at YOU for "not contributing" while he's living in your house paying £200 total per month for rent, food, and utilities? WTF?? There's nowhere in the WORLD you could get that deal. At least he knows he's unhappy in the situation so it likely won't be a struggle to get him to go!)

ThisJadeBear · 18/12/2025 16:38

@NutButterOnToast I was paying £200 a month to my parents for ‘keep’ three decades ago, new graduate, bringing home £600 a month!
I have a feeling he’s got to know OP at work and he’s sensed a vulnerability, as in a single woman with kids at home and thought it would be a ‘nice’ set up for him.

Loloblue · 18/12/2025 16:39

Please don't feel ashamed, that's part of this cycle. The shame keeps you silent. Please speak up - you deserve way better. 🌷

whyohwhyisitalwayswet · 18/12/2025 16:40

VividGoldHam · 18/12/2025 16:28

It's hard even reading my own responses to be honest let alone some of the things I've written there that have been picked out - like the make-up thing, whenever I've tried to explain I don't want to wear eye makeup I do a lot of skincare I just don't like wearing mascara at home he will get very offended and almost pretend he didn't put it there or pass it off as "just an idea to make me feel sexier and more confident"

Yeah in black and white reading this I feel more ashamed than ever.

This is really bizarre - he should not be dictating ('hinting' at!) what make up you wear and when. Wearing mascara at home is bonkers! There is so so much wrong with him and this relationship. Please know that you deserve better.

rainbowstardrops · 18/12/2025 16:51

What should you do? Kick his arse out!
He hasn’t been contributing enough financially and is now pissed off that he has to.
Oh and dressing up for sex and him wanting you to put make up on? Are we back in the 50’s?

WilfredsPies · 18/12/2025 16:56

What you have here is what’s commonly known as a hobosexual. He’ll develop a huge attraction to anyone who can provide him with a home, regular sex, food and drink, and all for a monthly sum that wouldn’t cover his food shopping bill if he had to support himself.

My partner and I have been together for three years. That entire time, he has lived with me and my two sons (both over 17) in a home that I own So he’s been a ponce from day 1 then?

He occasionally pays rent (200 a month, doesn't cover much) but usually I owe him money so he just takes it off that. The owed money will usually be where I have asked to borrow money for food for us all, gas or electric. We don't have anything in place about these things, I've always just paid them and he will pay for anything entertainment wise (booze, movies etc) You don’t owe him money! You’re paying him for the dubious honour of feeding, watering and keeping a roof over his head, while he buys the occasional bottle of drink and a £10 film.

I'm started to feel trapped and worried and I'm not sure whether its me I’ll give you a clue; it’s not you.

I'll be honest, the intensity has dropped and I have been spending quite a lot of time in bed. I often don't put the telly on, I'm just fine laying here I’m not bloody surprised!

He has become increasingly angry at me That’s easy to understand. Now that you’re not working, it’s only a matter of time until you don’t have the money for him to maintain his current standards of living for only £200 a month. He’s angry because he’s either going to have to start contributing a bit more, or make an effort to find some other woman who will let him ponce off her.

He will come home and ask me repeatedly if I am ok, and then give me and hug and say sorry babe, I just want a nice life for us 😂 He wants a nice life for himself!

I'm a burden to him How are you not howling with laughter at that? There’s a burden in your household and it’s not you or your boys! He’s pathetic. What sort of man takes and takes from his partner, and thinks that she should be happy because he’s providing her with some probably below par sex?

he's sick of my sons living here and using the gas/keeping their windows open/eating so much I expect they’re sick of watching some creep take and take and take from their mum, while treating her like shit and accusing them of being ponces.

There's other things There always are 🙄

He insists that I initiate intimacy because "why should it always be him" but I find it hard to go from him shouting at me (rightfully) No, not rightfully. Not rightfully at all about not contributing currently, to putting on outfits and being sexy Why are you so willing to accept the blame? There’s is not a woman in the world who would want to initiate in those circumstances.

Often there's little point in responding as he will say I'm just filling the air with noise and not allowing him to get his points across I’ve read your post a couple of times and all I’m seeing are his points. He’s getting his points across. There’s so many of his points that there’s no room for any else’s points.

There's a lot of holding his head in his hands and saying "eff this what I am doing here" under his breathe. He's obviously very frustrated with me but I don't know what else I can do Call his bluff. Tell him you understand, you want to keep it amicable so you’ll help him pack. He’ll shit himself! What he’s doing there is taking advantage of you. Nowhere else would he be able to get what he’s getting for £200 and a bottle of vodka a month (which I bet he drinks loads of)

I don't know what to even do about Christmas at this point other than ask him to lend me further money so I can get a few bits. He's going to his ex-wife and her husband for xmas (to see his daughter) and I'll be here alone (the boys are going away with their grandparents) He’s leaving you alone? Wow, what a prince among men. You tell your boys that you’re sorry and you’ll make it up to them, but you don’t have any cash for presents. Ou ask him to bring some shopping home with him so you have food, and then, once he’s gone, you text him and tell him not to come back until he’s ready to collect his stuff. And you spend that time researching and applying for every benefit you can think of, mortgage breaks etc. Energy companies have departments specifically set up to deal with people struggling; phone them and see what they have available. How many rooms do you have? Would it be feasible for your boys to share a room and get a lodger for 6 months? Or turn a dining room into a bedroom to rent out?

I'm not 100% sure reading this back that this is a great situation, but I don't know how to fight back. I don't know what to do at all You end this endless cycle of self destruction and you get rid of this leach. You do the Freedom Project and work on your self esteem until you get to a point where you believe that you are a prize and he is an embarrassment of a man.

MrsDoubtingMyself · 18/12/2025 16:57

VividGoldHam · 18/12/2025 16:23

This hit hard, thank you. I guess it does seem to him that I am malfunctioning.

It's just very hard to fight the part of me that is convinced he is right on some level. I don't make enough effort, I don't initiate intimacy. I do seem to have spent a large portion of the last two months laying down in a darkened room.

Show quote history

Let's assume he's right. Ok? Everything he says about you is right. Let's make that assumption

So what? You aren't happy. Get rid of him. You don't have to stay with someone NO MATTER IF THEIR OPINION OF YOU IS RIGHT

All you are here, on this earth , to do ......is to make sure that YOU are happy

If you are not happy, remove that which makes you unhappy

It matters not one tiny jot what this man thinks of you.

The End

ldnmusic87 · 18/12/2025 17:00

Oh OP I'm sorry, this is abusive. Please seek help and support x

snugasabug75 · 18/12/2025 17:00

You need to get rid of him asap!! This isn't a loving relationship at all.

Delphiniumandlupins · 18/12/2025 17:00

You don't initiate intimacy because he's not attractive. Nobody reading your posts think he is attractive. Why are you worried about moving him out of your life? You have been subsidising him for 3 years, to your own detriment. If he had been paying a reasonable rent (which should have been by Standing Order every month) you wouldn't have had to 'borrow' from him.

  1. Get him out. The sooner the better.
  2. If your DS are not working and paying rent they ought to be, otherwise they're going to grow up entitled cocklodgers like this man.
  3. Keep looking for work, any work. I guarantee that getting rid of someone who is constantly belittling you will improve your mental health and motivation.
  4. Enjoy a peaceful, independent Christmas. You owe this abuser nothing.
IsThisTheWaytoSlamMyPillow · 18/12/2025 17:01

What a fucking arsehole. If you can’t face the upheaval before Christmas then PLEASE tell him to leave as soon as you can afterwards. Once he’s gone change the locks - it’s pretty easy to do, you and/or your sons should be able to do it with the help of YouTube and then block him so he doesn’t promise the earth to win you over.

HE IS ABUSIVE - EMOTIONALLY AND FINANCIALLY AT LEAST.

The underlying issues with your mental health are undoubtedly caused by him and how he treats you. You don’t need to always be initiating sex and certainly don’t need to be ‘getting dressed up’ to fulfil his fantasies. He’s manipulative, making you think and feel like you’re not worthy and he’s doing you a huge favour, probably making out you won’t manage without him. He brings nothing to the table and you managed before you met him. In fact, I’ll bet you were doing far, far better before he came along love-bombing you.

Financially I get he doesn’t want to pay for your sons (although much kinder people would at least contribute a bit) BUT he’s not even paying for himself! You don’t owe him money because you’ve borrowed it to buy food! He should be paying AT LEAST 1/4 of everything - all bills except rent/mortgage, all food, all trips out etc etc. He’s getting a very easy ride cocklodging at your expense.

If you get chance read “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, it’s an eye-opener and a real education.

Having been in a similar situation I wish you well - YOU CAN DO THIS and you can be free of him. He is not who you think he is, and never will be. YOU DESERVE FAR MORE and so do your sons - he’s not a good role model at all.

Sorry for all the capitals - I’m not shouting just want you to see the most important parts of you skim through answers. You are much stronger, smarter and deserving than you believe (and he’ll have eroded you confidence and self esteem).

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 18/12/2025 17:04

You wouldn't have to keep borrowing money off him if he was paying his fair share of rent and bills in the first place. He's a cock lodger and he's using money to control and abuse you. I can't imagine how your sons must feel listening to this man screaming at their mum night after night.

Kick him out.

Original poster
VividGoldHam · 18/12/2025 17:10

WilfredsPies · 18/12/2025 16:56

What you have here is what’s commonly known as a hobosexual. He’ll develop a huge attraction to anyone who can provide him with a home, regular sex, food and drink, and all for a monthly sum that wouldn’t cover his food shopping bill if he had to support himself.

My partner and I have been together for three years. That entire time, he has lived with me and my two sons (both over 17) in a home that I own So he’s been a ponce from day 1 then?

He occasionally pays rent (200 a month, doesn't cover much) but usually I owe him money so he just takes it off that. The owed money will usually be where I have asked to borrow money for food for us all, gas or electric. We don't have anything in place about these things, I've always just paid them and he will pay for anything entertainment wise (booze, movies etc) You don’t owe him money! You’re paying him for the dubious honour of feeding, watering and keeping a roof over his head, while he buys the occasional bottle of drink and a £10 film.

I'm started to feel trapped and worried and I'm not sure whether its me I’ll give you a clue; it’s not you.

I'll be honest, the intensity has dropped and I have been spending quite a lot of time in bed. I often don't put the telly on, I'm just fine laying here I’m not bloody surprised!

He has become increasingly angry at me That’s easy to understand. Now that you’re not working, it’s only a matter of time until you don’t have the money for him to maintain his current standards of living for only £200 a month. He’s angry because he’s either going to have to start contributing a bit more, or make an effort to find some other woman who will let him ponce off her.

He will come home and ask me repeatedly if I am ok, and then give me and hug and say sorry babe, I just want a nice life for us 😂 He wants a nice life for himself!

I'm a burden to him How are you not howling with laughter at that? There’s a burden in your household and it’s not you or your boys! He’s pathetic. What sort of man takes and takes from his partner, and thinks that she should be happy because he’s providing her with some probably below par sex?

he's sick of my sons living here and using the gas/keeping their windows open/eating so much I expect they’re sick of watching some creep take and take and take from their mum, while treating her like shit and accusing them of being ponces.

There's other things There always are 🙄

He insists that I initiate intimacy because "why should it always be him" but I find it hard to go from him shouting at me (rightfully) No, not rightfully. Not rightfully at all about not contributing currently, to putting on outfits and being sexy Why are you so willing to accept the blame? There’s is not a woman in the world who would want to initiate in those circumstances.

Often there's little point in responding as he will say I'm just filling the air with noise and not allowing him to get his points across I’ve read your post a couple of times and all I’m seeing are his points. He’s getting his points across. There’s so many of his points that there’s no room for any else’s points.

There's a lot of holding his head in his hands and saying "eff this what I am doing here" under his breathe. He's obviously very frustrated with me but I don't know what else I can do Call his bluff. Tell him you understand, you want to keep it amicable so you’ll help him pack. He’ll shit himself! What he’s doing there is taking advantage of you. Nowhere else would he be able to get what he’s getting for £200 and a bottle of vodka a month (which I bet he drinks loads of)

I don't know what to even do about Christmas at this point other than ask him to lend me further money so I can get a few bits. He's going to his ex-wife and her husband for xmas (to see his daughter) and I'll be here alone (the boys are going away with their grandparents) He’s leaving you alone? Wow, what a prince among men. You tell your boys that you’re sorry and you’ll make it up to them, but you don’t have any cash for presents. Ou ask him to bring some shopping home with him so you have food, and then, once he’s gone, you text him and tell him not to come back until he’s ready to collect his stuff. And you spend that time researching and applying for every benefit you can think of, mortgage breaks etc. Energy companies have departments specifically set up to deal with people struggling; phone them and see what they have available. How many rooms do you have? Would it be feasible for your boys to share a room and get a lodger for 6 months? Or turn a dining room into a bedroom to rent out?

I'm not 100% sure reading this back that this is a great situation, but I don't know how to fight back. I don't know what to do at all You end this endless cycle of self destruction and you get rid of this leach. You do the Freedom Project and work on your self esteem until you get to a point where you believe that you are a prize and he is an embarrassment of a man.

Thank you so much for the time and detail in this. I've reread it several times and it's become clear I'm almost completely detached from the situation because I have been seeing these things as primarily my own fault for not having what's needed to keep myself out of decline. But your responses really show things in a different light.

OP posts:
OhRight7 · 18/12/2025 17:10

This ‘man’ is a very controlling abusive prick and he’s gaslighting you big time! His issue is that he can no longer freeload from you and has to actually contribute a little. Where is all his money going every month if he pays no rent?? Why should your sons move out when this man contributes fuck all to the household!
Please get rid of him. He is using this horrible situation you’re in with work to escalate his abuse and he’s setting a standard for how his behaviour will continue to escalate.
Kick the freeloading prick out, today! Do not wait! You deserve someone that supports you and treats you with respect. End it. Kick this abusive nasty fucker out!!