I'm not sure what's happening - is it me?

[VividGoldHam]

I've created a throwaway account to ask for some perspective.

My partner and I have been together for three years. That entire time, he has lived with me and my two sons (both over 17) in a home that I own. He occasionally pays rent (200 a month, doesn't cover much) but usually I owe him money so he just takes it off that. The owed money will usually be where I have asked to borrow money for food for us all, gas or electric. We don't have anything in place about these things, I've always just paid them and he will pay for anything entertainment wise (booze, movies etc)

I'm started to feel trapped and worried and I'm not sure whether its me.

He works in a labour intensive job. I lost my dream job in September of this year and have since struggled to get work in the same industry. I've applied for hundreds, with custom cover letters and follow up phone calls and...nothing. Then I applied for literally hundreds of warehouse and driving roles just to get ANYTHING. Now it's a week before Christmas and I'll be honest, the intensity has dropped and I have been spending quite a lot of time in bed. I often don't put the telly on, I'm just fine laying here.

He has become increasingly angry at me. He will come home and ask me repeatedly if I am ok, and then give me and hug and say sorry babe, I just want a nice life for us. As the evening progresses he will become more and more angry towards me, saying things like how can he want to be with someone who has no get up and go, I'm a burden to him, he's sick of my sons living here and using the gas/keeping their windows open/eating so much. He end up screaming that I am lazy. My response is usually calm and I stay calm. I understand that I need a job but it's just been really, really hard and demoralising and it's really getting me down. I previously was the higher earner for the majority of our relationship.

There's other things. He insists that I initiate intimacy because "why should it always be him" but I find it hard to go from him shouting at me (rightfully) about not contributing currently, to putting on outfits and being sexy. He hates me wearing comfy clothes and will say things like "don't you think you should make more effort/take care of yourself better" "you look a lot sexier with dark eye make up" and he will get my make up out and slyly put it next to me when I'm not looking so it just happens to be there and I put it on.

I rarely try and argue back because he is right I do need to be working. Often there's little point in responding as he will say I'm just filling the air with noise and not allowing him to get his points across. There's a lot of holding his head in his hands and saying "eff this what I am doing here" under his breathe. He's obviously very frustrated with me but I don't know what else I can do.

I don't know what to even do about Christmas at this point other than ask him to lend me further money so I can get a few bits. He's going to his ex-wife and her husband for xmas (to see his daughter) and I'll be here alone (the boys are going away with their grandparents)

I'm not 100% sure reading this back that this is a great situation, but I don't know how to fight back. I don't know what to do at all.

In what way is this man bringing joy, peace and happiness into your life? He's sucking it all out - criticising you relentlessly in every area of your life, from your job situation to your parenting to your looks. This is NOT what it's supposed to be like. Dump him, enjoy the freedom that comes rushing back, don't give up on the job hunt, and finally, eventually, find someone kind. You deserve it.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I’m also concerned for your safety. When you change the locks, do you have a friend/relative (preferably male) who can be with you? If not having your sons there should help, although horrible for them to witness as you say he may not do anything with them there.

Leave him. Please. A DP should build you up not tear you down. Both my DH and I have had times when one was not working for a range of reasons and not once did we speak to each other the way you’ve described.
This man lives in your house but you somehow owe him money when you take some from him for food and bills? This is not remotely fair on you. What would he be spending if he actually had to pay for his accommodation/living costs independently? I honestly don’t understand how he can is expecting a mother with children in whose house he is living to basically fund his life and initiate sex with him as though he is some kind of prize. There is nothing remotely attractive about him as far as I can see.
There are lots of posts saying similar that you should leave this man. And posting here means you are questioning the reality he is presenting to you which is great. He is the problem, not you. I know you can’t change everything in a moment, but him going away at Xmas is a blessing. It will give you space to think. And maybe pack his stuff. Know without doubt that you deserve better. Best wishes.

https://womensaid.org.uk

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Blimey @VividGoldHam you do need to get rid. Maybe you can work out a quarter of all the bills going back 3 years would be, deduct what he says ‘you owe him’ and I’m sure you will still be quids in. Frankly I’d be changing the locks on him.

You've done nothing to feel ashamed about, his abusive behaviour is his own doing. You do sound (understandably) depressed. Could you set yourself the task of contacting the GP today to book an appointment, dealing with your partner and job hunt will be easier when you don't feel so down. Give yourself permission to set the job hunting aside for a couple of days and try and concentrating on getting out of bed and out of the house. Go for a walk or visit a friend if you can.

You do need to kick your partner out, for your sons sake as well as your own. It's understandable if you don't feel up to doing it right now, but please start taking steps towards getting yourself in the right head space to recognise that his behaviour is unacceptable and he needs to go.

OP could your ex be of any help, as he’s only down the road? Seems like you have a cordial relationship.

Ah so he's also a gambler! It makes sense now as to why he's being so weird about money... He doesn't have it because he gambles it away. Selfish parasite.

OP: please be kind to yourself first and foremost. It sounds like you've been through a lot. December is possibly the worst time to look for a job as businesses are just trying to get through Christmas and then winding down... But things will turn again and you WILL find employment.

This man sounds extremely manipulative. He got you in a situation (not your fault by the way, manipulators have their ways of 'explaining things') where he virtually lives in your house rent free and instead of contributing towards bills he 'lends you' the money. Huh? He lives there too so should be contributing half the bills, and half the rent. My reasoning? Because if he lived on his own HE WOULD BE PAYING 100% OF IT ALL HIMSELF. Ok cool the kids use electricity and water etc but things like rent and council tax don't change based on how many kids you have. If he wants to pay just for his food and what he uses in utilities, it's a bit childish but fine, pay the rent though mate!

Also, he knew you had kids before moving in. To me, choosing to live with your partner's children means that you become part of this household and part of this family, unless you are literally a lodger (in which case you are paying your way anyway).

The makeup thing? You're so much of a better person than me because I would've told him that in his case even makeup won't help as he has an ugly personality... Much harder to fix!

OP take your time and focus your efforts on making a little plan. First is a job which you are working on already and then once that's in place it's time to say sayonara to this idiot. You are worth a million of him.