Would anyone be interested in an Emotionally Immature Parents thread?

[Thundertoast]

Sorry if this has already been done somewhere and ive missed it!
I do dip into the stately homes threads, but wonder if people would be up for a support thread for emotionally immature parents specifically, rather than narcissistic parents which is its own beast of a topic...
I know this time of year can be incredibly frustrating and bring up old wounds, so just in case anyone else is in the same boat, and wanted a rant/cry/chat, there's a mulled wine here ready for you.

Shout out to the amazing book on the topic 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay Gibson)

I'll start: have the annual festive 'performance' with emotionally immature parent scheduled. Last years was a disaster that let to me for the first time in my life approaching them to go 'what the fuck was that, you cannot behave that way and expect me to want to spend time with you' (in a nutshell, sulking and nastiness all evening) which was met with tears and denial and more tears and profuse apologies and guilt laden requests for comfort, and since then any meetups have had a heavy air of 'im so very sad and small and tiptoeing around you because I just want you to be happy'
Of course, I have tiptoed around their rages and moods my entire life, and have always sucked it up to keep the peace and keep the mood light, even when they have behaved like a sullen teenager, so the fact they are now behaving like a wounded animal does not induce sympathy in me, just annoyance and frustration that they cant suck it up and think 'Although im sad, my child shouldn't have to continue to deal with my feelings about me upsetting them'

Hope that if anyone's out there and in a similar boat they can come along and commiserate!

Mine is similar, but only with DD. We filter her emails to DD into the archive box (DD will not know to check) and monitor texts via DH computer.
We've told DD that Granny doesn't always understand how other people think and has too much time on her hands so thinks everyone else should reply immediately.
I don't really speak to her - didn't reply to her email about her present she didn't like - so just ignore any reproaches. I'm finding this quite relaxing.

What a great idea the archive box. It's difficult to know what to do as we want to protect our own children so they don't have the same experience as us as kids.

@Manyredpoppiesand @drspouse is your mother also my mother?!

My issue is exactly the same. My DD has archived her in WhatsApp so she doesn’t see her constant messages asking her dull questions desperately trying to get some sort of kibble of reassurance. My DD knows she is allowed to ignore and say no especially to people that make her feel uncomfortable. I just carry the ‘guilt’ still as my Mum will paint us as the unreasonable ones.

I have such deep rooted anger / bitterness / almost hate towards my mum for how she’s behaved and how she’s been allowed to ‘get away with it’ that I will probably feel like this until she dies.

My mum is also archived in my Whatsapp, DD doesn't have Whatsapp, don't think she's cottoned on to DH having Whatsapp but she emails him.

DH wanted to block her email entirely from DD but apparently you can't do this, or at least not with Gmail.

You can block any emails. There is definitely an option in gmail for this.

@TheMentalMentalLoad I do feel the same with many posts. I went from thinking my situation was unique, to find that many of us are experiencing the same. Some posts it could be me writing exactly that.

I feel as being playing a game of avoidance to not get hurt. It's difficult and really draining. This week I'm under the well familiar silent treatment. While as an adult I feel just discomfort with it, I talked about it when I did my therapy. It seems that it is all about being conditioned as a child to feeling unsafe, when your primary caregiver chooses to do this, which apparently is a form of aggression. I remember crying and begging her to talk to me again. I do hate her for this, who does this to a small child. Anyway, not begging now, just sad not having normal parents. I share this in case it helps anyone. It's just conditioning- discomfort, uneasiness, it's normal and it will pass. Sorry for the essay.

Zero apology needed. This is why this thread is so great. There are SO many of us. We almost need a secret pin badge or keyring so we can identify each
other and pass along a hug of love and support.

This thread is great because everyone on it gets me. Like all of these dreadful people my Ms relatives and friends got taken in by the BS. I used to hide under the table cloth when she was on one her vicious tirades. Threatening my extremely sensitive brother with Borstal, where nobody would visit him. Threatening to leave us and go and work in the local Children’s Home where she would be appreciated. The suicide threats, and that I was the only reason her and my dad argued “cos he thinks you can do no wrong”

When DH let out of the bag that I had been promoted to Branch Manager at the prestigious Bank I worked for she said “that just goes to prove that any tuppeny ‘a penny nobody can be a bank manager. Years ago a Bank Manager was respected”.

yes I understand and they only do it when no other adults are around to witness it very careful. I know what the silent treatment was by the age of 11 it’s to make you feel uncertain and unsure now I no longer give a s**t and leave her to it , it’s her problem I am not going to worry about it and spoil my day . My line was when she did it to my children because of me pointing out one of her rude comments, that was not ok at all xx

This is such helpful advice. Sit with the feeling. It will go away.

I agree about feeling safe I never felt safe at home and moved out as soon as I could because of my mums behaviour , my dad knew but was not prepared to do anything . Luckily my gran lived near so I went there and that was my safe space with no moods or ignoring

@TorroFerney What my psychotherapist said was that we feel unconfortable because the small child in us is having that automatic programmed response from our past. When we sit with this unconfortable feeling our brains are reprogramming with our adult self. He said we need then to tell ourselves something like this: I have power. I don't need to respond if I don't want to respond. I am not responsible for her feelings. What she did was not acceptable and as an adult i have power to put my boundaries. If she wants to keep silent, let her. It's nothing to do with me.
He said that with time, our brain is reprogrammed and the feeling is less and less unconfortable. Until we feel OK. That's what I'm practicing atm and I do feel a bit better each time xx

I think I’ve also been doing that but without realising it. Great advice.

Parents, if any age/generation, can be hopeless. Tough on the kids, whatever their ages. 🤷‍♀️

I had similar from mine - it's so obvious isn't it but being given permission to not fawn/people please etc is amazing.

Were you not asked to please leave this thread previously due to your unhelpful comments?

"When DH let out of the bag that I had been promoted to Branch Manager at the prestigious Bank I worked for she said “that just goes to prove that any tuppeny ‘a penny nobody can be a bank manager. Years ago a Bank Manager was respected”.

@Rictasmorticia This is also very familiar, the need to put your children down, to minimise other's achievements. I got this too, and now I only give her very little information about myself. I cannot remember any occasion when my mother praised me for anything. Congratulations on your promotion, you did very well despite your upbringing. Well done.

This is kind of reminiscent of how my mum views my achievements too. I have two postgrad degrees, a first class undergrad with honours and a professional career, a baby, a house etc, but in her view, my biggest achievement in life has been being pooled by Cambridge at 17-18 (basically not being immediately rejected but being rejected later instead). She actually said to me when I was applying for a job in my 30s ‘don’t forget to tell them you were pooled by Cambridge’.

When I got back from that interview aged 17 or so, she was in bed in tears (it was early evening IIRC), saying she already knew I’d deliberately failed the interview and she’d spent all day crying at work about it.

Later when I qualified as a teacher (and a PGCE is a proper hard slog, as I’m sure many of you can relate to!), she said ‘and we all know you’ll be a headteacher in no time!’ I don’t and have never wanted to be a headteacher. I’d never expressed any ideas of the sort.

It’s all about status to her and the fixed idea of me that she has in her head that bears no resemblance to the real me at all.

Later when I qualified as a teacher (and a PGCE is a proper hard slog, as I’m sure many of you can relate to!), she said ‘and we all know you’ll be a headteacher in no time!’ I don’t and have never wanted to be a headteacher. I’d never expressed any ideas of the sort.

Yes, it's all about status. Not about yourself, what you want to do, your own aspirations. They aren't interested in you. You are just an extension of themselves.

I feel very happy I left my home country and made a new home abroad. That my level of English allows me to work in a professional role, I am incredibly fortunate. To me that in itself has been a great personal achievement. My mother never ever expressed anything positive about doing my degree, or my masters, or for getting my current job or any in the past.

One day, as I was visiting my home country I was chatting to one of my aunts, who said: "Your mum have told us you have been made a Director in your company, I'm delighted for you".
I was shocked. I did clarify I am nowhere near that level in the company I work for, and that's not what I would be aiming for either, and that my mother does not even know what I'm doing. It's so bizarre.

Thank you for starting this thread. I’m in therapy due to burnout. I’ve just finished this book and it has helped so much. Hugs xx

My MIL fits in here perfectly!

My DW and i have been together since we were 17 (well on way to 50 now), so i feel reasonably well-qualified to engage with the thread!

MIL has definitely experienced some severe traumas (unprocessed grief, in the main), following an extremely indulged childhood.

Outwardly she is a saint (heavily involved with the church, years working in special education), would give you her last penny.

Inwardly, she seems to have a complete inability to manage any sort of negative emotion. Fear, anger, sadness, disappointment, any sort of discomfort - everything is stored up, and then vented out at the easiest target she can find, as soon as possible.

Unfortunately this is generally my DW - given my FIL is entirely de-sensitised to it, and my BIL left home at 18, and maintains some extremely strong boundaries. Doing so outside the immediate family would also be catastrophic to her carefully curated public image.

DW was a much longed-for gift baby, and was very spoiled as a result. However, she is made constantly aware that this is the case, to the extent that she has always felt very much that she was the only reason MIL/FIL remained together (with the consequence that she was therefore at fault for how miserable both have been).

I'm sure MIL also suffers from depression, but again for reasons of appearance, would never ever seek any support.

Things have come to a head as a result of a DGC coming out - this has been a hand-grenade in MIL's life.

While she is capable of maintaining a (slightly chilly) relationship with the DGC, she refuses to even acknowledge the existence of DGC's partner - to the extent of leaving the room to avoid saying hello or goodbye.

This has been the final straw for DW - who was fine dealing with the crap as long as it was only directed at her.

MIL now has no-one to whom she can spill out all the bile she's storing up about this (and the many consequences of her very obvious behaviour).

She is absolutely unable to listen to reason, nor show any willingness to take responsibility for the consequences of her actions. So the discomfort, anger and sadness is just continuing to grow.

I've begged DW to get herself counselling, but she's not ready yet. So on we go, half tip-toeing round, half brazenly supporting DGC, not getting anywhere.

I belong here, sadly. I've decided it's the last time they ruin Christmas for me.

I just wondered, do you actually ask her for the practical help you mention? It could be she wants to help but just doesn't know how, and needs you to spell it out for her? X

I'm not the person you asked @AprilinPortugal but help doesn't really work like that IME. I don't know of anyone who would ask someone for help, especially financial help, when the person has made very clear by their actions that all they want from the relationship is someone to offload onto.

That sort of help needs to be offered, realistically and for me to accept I'd have to believe there were no strings attached. If I felt for one minute that it would be held over me or that they'd think I owed them or they owned me as a result, I'd never accept.

It's only CFs who would ask, IME. Those with a mentality of "don't ask, don't get" and are happy to risk offending someone by asking, for the sake of possibly receiving what they want.

Of course they can. Nobody has said it's only parents of a certain age. This thread is about the effects of those rubbish parents on their now-adult children. You shrugging your shoulders as if their awful parenting couldn't be helped is just demonstrating and perpetuating the kind of abuse and neglect people are posting about. You're either one of these terrible parents or you sympathise with them, which means this isn't the thread for you.

If you continue to post in support of the abusers/neglecters on this thread which has been set up for support for their victims, their adult children, I will report you for trolling.

I ask that other posters please do the same. Then perhaps this thread can be kept as a safe space where we can share our experiences without continuing to experience the same type of dismissal we've experienced from our own parents in the past.

An update on my life.

I'm the enemy. That's pretty much it. I'm stopping her seeing her beloved grandchild, I'm the one who orchestrated her relationship ending, and I'm the reason her life is so hard. That's the story she's telling everyone and their granny.

I've had another brother message me saying I'm not his sister any more and how dare I make my mother feel crazy when she isn't.

I told my dad that it's mental how I'm to blame in all of this, when it wasn't my relationship. I know it's because right at the beginning I said "no, that's not fair or true" and then the classic "if you're not on my side, you're against me, so I'll destroy you" came out - which she's done to lots of people. I just didn't imagine she'd do it so publically to me. Which is silly.

I would never treat my children like this. This isn't how you treat people you love.

I am in the fairly happy position that my mum thinks she's decided she's not coming to see us whereas actually it's me. Because I know that just the same as in the past, she will realise I'm not bothering to reply to her nonsense and then will try and pester me/DD/DH for a response and she thinks we'll come crawling.