Would anyone be interested in an Emotionally Immature Parents thread?

[Thundertoast]

Sorry if this has already been done somewhere and ive missed it!
I do dip into the stately homes threads, but wonder if people would be up for a support thread for emotionally immature parents specifically, rather than narcissistic parents which is its own beast of a topic...
I know this time of year can be incredibly frustrating and bring up old wounds, so just in case anyone else is in the same boat, and wanted a rant/cry/chat, there's a mulled wine here ready for you.

Shout out to the amazing book on the topic 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay Gibson)

I'll start: have the annual festive 'performance' with emotionally immature parent scheduled. Last years was a disaster that let to me for the first time in my life approaching them to go 'what the fuck was that, you cannot behave that way and expect me to want to spend time with you' (in a nutshell, sulking and nastiness all evening) which was met with tears and denial and more tears and profuse apologies and guilt laden requests for comfort, and since then any meetups have had a heavy air of 'im so very sad and small and tiptoeing around you because I just want you to be happy'
Of course, I have tiptoed around their rages and moods my entire life, and have always sucked it up to keep the peace and keep the mood light, even when they have behaved like a sullen teenager, so the fact they are now behaving like a wounded animal does not induce sympathy in me, just annoyance and frustration that they cant suck it up and think 'Although im sad, my child shouldn't have to continue to deal with my feelings about me upsetting them'

Hope that if anyone's out there and in a similar boat they can come along and commiserate!

Ditto. It takes my breath away sometimes. I didn’t go to university and I know now I was so anxiously attached that’s why. I’ve not ever confronted them, it’s pointless for me. I’ve had therapy and I agreed/told her up front that my goal was not to say anything to my mum. That wasn’t right for me although completely appreciate it is for others.

Mine moved house about four years ago (completely organised and facilitated by her then Pa yours truly). She has no photos of me or her grandchild but has one of herself getting an award.

That's so hard. What awful stuff to be told as a child. And I hear you on realising that you're putting in all the effort as an adult, and the other person doesn't really give much of a crap. It's no wonder we grow up thinking we have to work hard for any grain of love from somebody.

Anger is good though. A lot of us never really rebelled or separated from our parents in a healthy way. I know I continued to be enmeahed with my mum well into adulthood. Now I see my anger as the response I should have had as a teenager, but never did.

On yes. I made two safeguarding referrals last year because of the way my golden child brother treats my mum. He has very poor mental health and still lives with her. They really need to separate but then she couldn't be the martyr that she likes to be. SW contacted her and she turned them away because everything is fine. It's not fine because if it was she wouldn't be crying to me all the time about how shit her life is. It's all part of her manipulation to try and get me to move closer. Every time we speak it's always, 'if only you lived closer you could...'. This is usually followed by x's daughter visits every week; y's daughter did this for her; z's daughter has been over from South Africa three times this year.

Not religious at all but one of her neighbours has told me what a saint she was for helping him when his wife's dementia took a sharp decline. I did not recognise the woman he was talking about.

Does anyone have both an emotionally immature mum AND mother in law?

I know it’s not me (although I’m the common denominator) because neither woman has anyone outside of their family who willingly spends time with them socially.

I can appreciate why each woman is why she is (significant generational trauma) and that neither will change. Luckily I have an absolutely brilliant husband who recognises that his mum comes with challenges.

Like others I’ve been in therapy and found it (plus Chat GPT) really useful.

Ha yes, I used to say I never get angry. Well no because I wasn’t allowed to! Anger was for parents.

It's taken me a long time as an adult to understand "healthy anger" .

The anger I witnessed as a child was from my mother and involved her being at "simmering stage" for some time before hand (while everyone tiptoed round her) before entirely losing it, shouting and screaming at everyone, often for hours, sometimes accompanied by throwing things, stomping up and down and doing things like slamming cupboards doors etc. This could be provoked by anything that wasn't in line with my mother's view of "how things should be", it didn't have to be a major upset.

I spent a lot of my life as a people pleaser, partly as a result of being in constant alert to my mother's moods, and partly because I didn't realise that it was possible to have a minor disagreement that didn't involve one party having what is best described as a large scale toddler meltdown.

Same here, I never got or even felt angry until a few years ago, it was never even a thing in my body. I realise now how deeply it must have been repressed/suppressed. I feel it a lot now.

Processing the anger is one of my main goals in the work I’m starting with a new therapist, that and the feeling of dread and powerlessness that I have because my dysfunctional family relationships feel like a treadmill I cant get off. My mum hasn’t done anything ‘that bad’ to warrant goint NC (at least recently), but I know that even if she had, she’d never see it that way and I wouldn’t be ‘allowed’ to withdraw from the relationship. The irony is that she’s desperately afraid of being abandoned, but her behaviour actively drives people away. She can’t seem to see it like that and I get the blame for not being a ‘normal daughter’ (in my mum’s words).

Exactly the same. An argument was the end of the world and never got resolved. People pleaser /fawner/ believing I was responsible for others feelings - well I say believing my mother made me that.

I am desperate for my mum to do something that will make it acceptable for me to go no contact. There’s been loads of stuff over the years but I wasn’t aware then , too enmeshed and scared of her.

i thought I was really awful for wishing for that but I’ve heard a few people say it. I find by self almost goading her into saying something that will give me that excuse. I’ve got to be really careful around her otherwise to the outside world id seem like a nutter!

@TorroFerneythat resonates a lot with me. Recently my mum did do something pretty bad to my DC and even though every single person I tell is horrified all my family play it down as ‘not that bad’. That’s how much they accept her dreadful behaviour.

All of you in theory or previously, how did you find your therapist? I have lots of trauma from my mum / family / past and I want to try to deal with some of it.

Over here nodding furiously at the last few posts.
I too wish my parent would do something that would 'justify' NC. I cannot accept that it would be a huge loss to them and would ruin them emotionally, as its not like we see each other even monthly! But they will see it that way.

I too have struggled to show anger my whole life, luckily I have a wonderful, wonderful partner who is SO supportive and encouraging of me showing it and proving to me that its not the end of the world. I have still struggled, even though I feel safe to.
But if I do show anger I still over explain, over apologise, and feel guilty for days.

I am desperate for my mum to do something that will make it acceptable for me to go no contact.

I went NC with my parents just over 2 years ago, after years and years (well, basically my whole life) of wanting there to be something that I could use to make it acceptable.

Then I realised that my wanting to stay in touch was solely for 2 reasons - that I thought that's what good daughters did and didn't want to be the "bad" one; and that I thought they should have a relationship with their grandchildren.

For me there was a number of turning points. The first and probably key turning point was starting to see that they treated my children in the same way they'd treated me but, as my children hadn't received what I've subsequently seen described as "the special training" they hadn't just gone along with it. It also raised all my protective hackles - I was beyond caring how my parents treated me, but they didn't get to treat my children badly.

I also had got into the habit of "disassociating" on visits - I had to sort of step out of the situation or I got too upset by it (this sounds totally weird I know). The meeting that was the last time I saw them, I found myself viewing their behaviour dispassionately, as an outsider who it wasn't actually happening to, and I realised that it wasn't ok.

The third turning point was saying to my children (then 18 and 16) that I wanted them to have a good relationship with their grandparents and the older one saying that he hadn't like them since he was 8 and got beyond the "playing with" stage but only came on visits because he felt he had to; and the younger saying she only came on visits because she thought I needed the support. It turned out my children were wiser than me.

The final thing was probably talking to a good friend, almost jokingly about some of the things my parents did, and starting with the "not so bad" things. The friend started out by replying with "lots of parents do that" and "families don't always get on" sort of statements but as the list got longer and longer she got quieter and quieter and I realised that it wasn't one "bad" thing but a succession of things over the years that had had a lasting impact. I didn't even get close to what I considered the worst behaviours before my friend was saying "I don't know why you didn't stop seeing them years ago" and "would you put up with that from anyone you weren't related to?"

A useful phrase I remind myself of "death by 1000 paper cuts".

I've also realised that I don't care if other people think I am the "bad" one. I am happier; my children are happier; I do not miss my parents at all. If that makes me the problem, then so be it.

(Sorry, that got so long ...)

Yes to the anger - was never really allowed to show emotions, especially anger or upset, and it's definitely affected relationships through my whole life.

I remember my mum (accidentally) breaking something I was fond of as a child and getting annoyed with me for being upset as it was "only an x" - she didn't apologise, she was only worried about how it made her look bad and tried to minimise that. Whereas if something of hers was broken she'd sulk for days, and if you upset her she'd demand an apology.

I was shielded from a lot of family issues and illnesses (rather than explaining them in a child-appropriate way) so I "didn't get upset" but that's made it difficult for me to know how to deal with those things as an adult. Another relative on my mum's side who I'm now NC with turned round to me at a family funeral and said "don't cry".

I have had some counselling and the best of this was with someone who mainly specialised in working with children - I think because she was very focused on those sorts of relationships.

My family would go completely insane if I was angry. So I learned to suppress it. I never managed to unmesh myself from my parents- my totally normal teenage behaviours was treated like I was possessed by Satan! But at the same tine they didn't help me with any school work or emotional difficulties- I was just left on my own with it.
One summer holiday I was dreading going back to school because I was being severely bullied at school- it was complete emotional torture. My parents response? They said they had had a chat about it and decided there wasn't anything they could do! No wonder I grew up to be hyper-independent

I looked through a directory online and phoned one I liked the sound of. But to be honest by then I’d done a lot of “work”. What I didn’t do with her which was a missed opportunity was do some proper work on what the childhood stuff had done to me baggage wise in terms of me as an adult so the people pleasing at work the thinking people are mad at me, she did press but I shut it down for some reason. I think I needed a number of sessions where someone validated that the stuff was awful and I wasn’t over reacting and then I’ve been able to do a lot of recognising what that had made me as an adult and addressing that. Work with her was more about dealing with my mother and not always jumping to her call.

sorry that was a bit garbled!

Yes - totally normal teenage behaviour wasn't allowed! My parents used to boast about the fact I didn't have a teenage rebellion, as if that made them extra-good parents, but I remember reading many years later that teenagers rebel against their parents because they feel safe to do so, they know they can test those boundaries but their parents will always be their safe place. If you don't feel safe then you often keep your head down.

My maternal grandmother died a couple
of years ago. My mum was mortified people may
cry and even mentioned something about it in front of the vicar. She has a massive issue with anyone showing any form of emotion.

I have not gone no contact with mine I just stopped telling them things and making an effort when my mum started her nonsense on my children then I discovered they definately were not interested in me and did not want to speak to me she has spoken to me once in 4 years. That was because I invited us to visit she was polite but still did not ask me a single thing not even how I was

I had this but as a toddler, parents would boast that I had only ever nearly had one tantrum but I was immediately hit across the legs and I stopped. This would be said when to me when they saw a child having a tantrum. I obviously believed them as a child as I knew no different. I ended up being like you, i used to hear girls at school say oh I had a real argument with my mum last night and I would think argue with your mum? I would not dare.

God this is all so familiar I know I keep posting but crikey. When my dad was dying mum and I were round his bed, doctor talking about a DNR and I started to feel a bit emotional and did a kind of half sob in my throat. She was furious and said to the doctor - (myname) doesn't understand. Lovely doctor came round to my side of the bed and patted my shoulder. I wasn't crying, it was literally a noise in my throat. Bonkers. During Covid my MIL died. FIL was a wreck in the funeral car, mentioned it to my mum - confused/disgusted face - was he?

My mother had a small stool in her living room and every gift I gave her would sit on the stool for about six months. Every so often she would tell me that her DH had been up to the loft to clear out the junk. She ‘did not know where it had come from’ but managed to list every gift I had ever given her.

Afternoon all.

I am back trying to manage the emotions of my fully grown adult mother to protect my DC. They feel quite suffocated by her constant texts and they’re not longer the little children they once were. Now in the stage of thinking adults are mostly aliens and grandparents are absolutely ancient.

it’s exhausting

My mother is very angry asking why she can't cave direct access to my children. Basically she has the mobile phone of one of them but my daughter never replies. Because she doesn't feel like it and does not like my mother. And she doesn't have to. This is a constant cause of friction. My mother is currently giving me the silent treatment for this. Rather than thinking it's her, her lack of interest for her grandchildren it's all my fault.