Men asking to borrow money

[Lostmycats]

After a second date?

is there ever a genuine reason for a man to ask to borrow money from you when you’ve only met twice?

I always offer to split the bill, I think it’s rude not to. But a man should always decline the offer. The man pays on a first date. He chooses the venue so controls the price. It’s honestly a complete given in my social circle - I can count on one hand the number of times a guy has split the bill on a first date (and I’ve been on literally 100+ first dates).

See for me, wanting a man to pay on the first date has got absolutely nothing to do with feminism, the patriarchy and all that shit. I do not see myself as a victim and susceptible to exploitation by men, what a nonsense that mindset is.

No. It’s basic manners / rules of engagement in my social circle and I don’t give it a second thought (other than on MN debates like this!)

@Crushed23 How would you describe your social circle? How old are you?

Why would the man always choose the venue? If I’m meeting a virtual stranger, then I choose somewhere I feel comfortable, it’s not their decision.

NO no no ! He’s a user !!

@TwistedWonder Perhaps @Crushed23
only accepts dates from men who suggest expensive venues? 😉
Also @Crushed23 may I perhaps suggest if you've been on 100+ first dates you're perhaps meeting the wrong sort of men?

Haha no, I just like a man to take charge and do the asking out / suggest a first date idea or location. It need not be dinner (I much prefer drinks to dinner for a first date) nor expensive, but I did used to turn down ‘going for a walk’ dates, because they’re just so low-effort, IMO.

I have a DP now, and the 100+ first dates were over a 15 year period, in my defence. 😛

I like men to take charge and do the asking out and suggest a date idea / location. Of course I turn it down if I’m not comfortable.

@Crushed23 Of course you do. May I ask how old you are?

I also hated walking dates unless it’s with a boyfriend or someone I’ve been on a few dates with. I always declined them. Aside from the low effort thing, maybe it’s partly because I’m dyspraxic and do concentrate quite a bit on not bumping into others
and watching where I walk when I’m outside!

I like to go somewhere I can sit or at least stand without moving and focus on someone and look at them face on for a first date rather than splitting my attention between them and all the various hazards of walking around outdoors - standing on something nasty, walking into people, tripping over a pot hole or making sure I’m not being lured to somewhere remote with no people or cctv around etc
seriously though there is a bit of a safety consideration with it as well!

My favourite first date was probably the guy who bought tickets to an art gallery I wanted to visit. Obviously the art gallery involved walking around but it doesn’t require the same concentration as if I’d been outside and there’s obviously staff and cctv everywhere.

I’d said I’d be okay with coffee OR dinner but he had booked dinner afterwards at a lovely restaurant . Obviously he would’ve cancelled if I’d said no but I had such a nice time with him at the museum I was happy to go for dinner after the post-art gallery coffee :)

I really like a guy taking the lead in organising a date and being thoughtful about planning what we do. For example that restaurant he chose served one of my favourite cuisines.

Maybe not for everyone but that is something I value in men for the first few dates. Different strokes and all that.

@Pilateslover Did you go on subsequent dates with art gallery guy or was it just the one?

I was being vague haha but I’m actually still dating him. So yeah there have been a few subsequent dates including very chilled hang out type dates now that I know him much better!

I’m moving between cities/countries atm (long story) and he travels for works sometimes so I will see him more in the new year when I’m relocated . So far so good but let’s see what happens.

I wouldn’t date a man who doesn’t have £40 to pay for whatever.

@mondaytosunday Sorry to hear you don't have £40 of your own 😞

@Pilateslover Ah that's lovely. Is he still paying for everything or has it evened out now?

Honestly I’ve never been asked by a man to give him money before. I haven’t been asked by a woman either to be fair, but I think it would be more unusual if a man asks cause gender roles and all that - I think in my experience men don’t want to be seen as relying on a woman especially at 2nd date stage

Yeah my advice to them would be to get their finances in order before dating. And I’m not even just saying this because they’re a man.

As a woman I’ve been broke before but I wasn’t out there asking men on dates. Even when men would ask I’d decline them as I didn’t feel comfortable going out with no money irrespective of whether they paid or not. And I felt I should be more focused on sorting out my income.

It appears some women are more than happy with it, however!

To each their own, but in my experience men tend to have a bit of bravado when they first meet someone; where they wouldn’t want to borrow money from someone they’ve just started to date. In fact, I’d say most well adjusted adults will not ask people for plumbing money in this scenario, it’s a bit odd to not have a support system/others to ask.

@Power26 I have no idea why anybody (man or woman) would ask to borrow money whilst dating. Equally, I have no idea why anybody (man or woman) would expect someone else to pick up the entire bill whilst dating, especially early on.

Completely agree. If anyone asked me to lend them money, I’d be out of there faster than Usain Bolt. Equally I wouldn’t ever expect anyone else to pay for what I choose to eat and drink.

I had an acquaintance who didn’t take her purse or debit card on dates. In her opinion men should be paying for her company. Funnily enough she’s now 60 and never had a LTR. And her attitude extended to friends. She’s turned up on nights out this and ‘forgotten’ her card then expected everyone else to buy her drinks or asked to borrow £20 then taken weeks to pay it back. Freeloaders gotta freeload

At the risk of derailing too -agreed. There’s also the “beauty tax” and the fact they are the ones who usually ask us out.

That said, I think each to their own and I’ve nothing against women who are keen to pay their half lol but I’ve usually had guys insist on paying. Some of those men even if it didn’t go anywhere were lovely and interesting men and I still occasionally talk to them.

Of course I’m not entitled to anyone’s money so if they didn’t choose to cover me, that would be up to them - and also up to me how I view that and respond going further.

The only one or two who didn’t pay a first date at least turned out to be utterly shit in various ways, which is the same as what all my friends experienced too.

I remember having a really awful date and luckily I left before I ordered anything as in that situation I’d have not felt comfortable allowing this belligerent drunk to pay for anything 😂 because there’s also the thing that if women don’t like a man they will often insist on paying as they have no intention on taking it further. It’s probably what I’d do on a bad first date but I haven’t had many of them.

But dating is about the man showing he CAN be financially relied upon. If you were to marry a man and become a mother you need to know he is a solid provider incase you cannot return to work or, do not wish to

This is such a weak excuse, frequently trotted out here as a means to justify being a scrounging freeloader.
Are people honestly expecting to be taken seriously when they say they assume how a man treats a woman he has just met is reflective of how he would treat a long term partner/spouse and the mother of his children? Do all these women treat practical strangers with the same consideration, care and respect with which they treat their partners?

Just own your desire to be bankrolled and stop trying to justify it in bull about patriarchy, feminism, tradition or future potential.

@Pilateslover Dangerous territory if a man insists and you allow subservience though, especially from the get-go.
I ended up marrying the man who didn't refuse to "allow" me to pay for a round of drinks and our marriage remains wonderfully equal. Well, tbf he does all the cooking but we share literally everything else! 😀