Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner had windfall and reluctant on sharing

145 replies

Saladmess · 13/12/2025 14:32

My partner of 6 years has had a windfall (no kids, we own home together, both work fulltime on similar salaries). The company he worked for sold and he got a nice payout (just under £50K).

This job was hugely stressful for years and put strain on our relationship. I have supported him through a lot of this shit which wasn’t easy.

He suggested going on a hobby related holiday in a tropical destination whilst he is in between jobs. I wouldn’t be able to go as I am saving my annual leave for a longer holiday we have together later in the year. I am totally cool with him going (I have also been away with friends in the past), but I also said I felt it was a bit unfair, me sitting here in the winter and him having a grand time.

I asked if he could maybe get me something nice or get some jobs in the house paid for (we have tons of things that need doing / fixing and 10% of his windfall could fix this completely).

We’re pretty good for savings and have a decent emergency fund so we don’t need this extra money to survive.

He said I was jealous and that this was a horrible trait and that it was ridiculous that I was asking for something. I said I have supported him through years of shit, but this didn’t really seem to land… I am not after his money at all, I would just like to feel that he wants to look after me / our home.

Is it unreasonable to ask your long term partner, to buy something nice for you or fix urgent issues in the house when they have come into a decent amount of money?

OP posts:
Original poster
Saladmess · 13/12/2025 15:34

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/12/2025 15:30

"He really dislikes putting money in the house."
Interesting. I'd wonder if it is because putting money in the house benefits you as well as him. Did he own before you two got together? Did he spend money on it then, when it would only benefit him?

It's good that you can see this is a big flaw in him - "I just think at times he is selfish; and this is one of those times." He was happy to lean on you, to share his bad times with you. He's not so happy to share the good times though, and I see that as a massive problem. Has he ever supported you through a bad time? Maybe you haven't had a bad time so he hasn't been put to the test. Do you think he'd pass it?

I'd be reconsidering the relationship, because you've got some new information about your partner that you need to take account of. "He said I was jealous and that this was a horrible trait and that it was ridiculous that I was asking for something." He is literally not the man you thought he was, before he said that. Now, he is a man who thinks you have the horrible trait of jealousy, and he is a man who thinks you are ridiculous for asking for something.

You need to ponder on that. Ponder on the fact that he's happy to take your support, but not to reciprocate. Ponder that if he's this selfish when it would be pretty easy (and actually sensible) to fund house repairs, he'd rather sit on his money like Smaug the Dragon. Ponder how he would behave towards you if your income wasn't there through losing your job, or (please don't put this to the test!) maternity leave? Would he share with you then, or expect you still to pony up your half?

He's given you a lot to think about, hasn't he?

Thank you for this thoughtful approach, really appreciate it

OP posts:
OhDear111 · 13/12/2025 15:35

He’s not committed to the relationship has he? It’s his money and it’s all about him. If you earn the same I’m mystified as to why the house needs fairly basic work that neither of you will do.

Atorwave · 13/12/2025 15:38

OhDear111 · 13/12/2025 15:35

He’s not committed to the relationship has he? It’s his money and it’s all about him. If you earn the same I’m mystified as to why the house needs fairly basic work that neither of you will do.

Everything could be fixed with just £5k as well

Atorwave · 13/12/2025 15:38

Are you in any debt Op?

Original poster
Saladmess · 13/12/2025 15:38

Egglio · 13/12/2025 15:34

I'm interested to know OP, if you came in 50k what would you do with it? If you would share it, then what you have is a values mismatch more than anything else. That is what you should pay attention to.

I also see some double standards creeping in here, because in a reversed situation where you were not married and it was the woman who had come into 50k, I think many would be telling her to protect her own financial health as no commitment had been made.

I think this is a fair response on the double standard. If I had come into the 50K I would sort our house out for years to come + do something really nice for us like a holiday and get him a big christmas gift much more than the usual budget. He does gift me though, and he does take me out. It’s not that he never does anything nice for me.. he reminds me of it regularly haha

OP posts:
Litlit · 13/12/2025 15:39

When you say windfall as the business he worked for sold is this like his redundancy payment? I think that's to be treated more like an inheritance or compensation than family money. Presumably he'll have to fund his share of everyday bills from it while he's out of work - rather than dipping into your joint emergency fund?

I don't see it's an issue for him to spend £2k to go on his own holiday while he has this unexpected extra time between jobs, he invited you it's not his fault you don't have enough annual leave and he's the one who has lived the stressful job, albeit you supported him, perhaps he needs some time to decompress.

Everyone has different priorities, I'm not sure house jobs would be my first thought. They sound quite minor and as a childfree couple on decent wages you surely can afford to plan and fund minor house repairs you've listed (new flooring and a bit of decorating can't be more than £2k?) out of your wages/household savings.

Maybe he wants to invest the rest in his pension or save for the future, I don't think he has to spend it on family things, even if it would be nice for him to do that.

Original poster
Saladmess · 13/12/2025 15:40

Atorwave · 13/12/2025 15:38

Are you in any debt Op?

No debt & have savings

OP posts:
Horrorscope · 13/12/2025 15:41

What’s the rest of the relationship been like? Happy - or is this one more thing in a long list of negatives?

Atorwave · 13/12/2025 15:41

Saladmess · 13/12/2025 15:40

No debt & have savings

Show quote history

Well there we go.., spend a bit on these serious fixes that only equate to £5k in total!

Although in your shoes of ask him “do you see a future together, honestly” because I suspect he doesn’t

AngryBird6122 · 13/12/2025 15:41

The way he is thinking wouldn't be for me. if it's not for you then you've got some thinking to do.

VerityBlueSky · 13/12/2025 15:42

When you say you asked him to "get you something nice" did you specify what you wanted? How much would something nice cost?

Original poster
Saladmess · 13/12/2025 15:44

Atorwave · 13/12/2025 15:41

Well there we go.., spend a bit on these serious fixes that only equate to £5k in total!

Although in your shoes of ask him “do you see a future together, honestly” because I suspect he doesn’t

Show quote history

We have already spent tens of thousands 50/50 on the house in last 2 years. I was really happy to have it 90% done bar these final things (about £5K), and was planning on doing them over next 1.5 yrs. But he now has an opportunity to do it right away

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 13/12/2025 15:45

You can’t say you are ‘cool’ either him going but then jealous that he will actually be going! I think he needs to keep most of it in case another job doesn’t come along easily. I wouldn’t be asking him for anything personal - but a few things around the house getting fixed absolutely.

canklesmctacotits · 13/12/2025 15:47

I’m a SAHM. Each year when DH get his bonus he makes sure to tell me it’s our bonus and each year he asks me if he wants me to be surprised with a gift or if I want to spend it myself (I always say to just put it all in savings). It’s been almost 20 years of the same questions and same answers, but he makes sure to do it every year because he wants me to know every year that everything we do is as a team. It’s not the money, it’s the understanding of what a partnership is. Sorry he doesn’t share your opinion.

Rosscameasdoody · 13/12/2025 15:49

Celestialmoods · 13/12/2025 14:49

It is selfish to make him
feel guilty about having a life experience that does no harm to anyone and comes entirely out of his own money. You don’t have children yet, so he has no need to start sacrificing his life yet. The poor bloke has done nothing wrong and you just want to piss on his chips to have a nicer house.

Sacrificing his life ? Are you on the same thread ?

pikkumyy77 · 13/12/2025 15:49

Saladmess · 13/12/2025 14:47

Haha no something like 2K for the holiday.. He really dislikes putting money in the house. What’s needed is not nice-to-haves. It’s s floor in a room that currently doesn’t have one, re-wall papering where we have had a leak (that’s fixed), better storage etc.

Show quote history

He won’t invest in your only/major shared asset? He doesn’t see you as a long term proposition.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 13/12/2025 15:52

I think if I were him I would be ticked off at you complaining it's not fair he can go on a tropical holiday and you can't. Why shouldn't he? You aren't joined at the hip.

However, if he doesn't want to spend some of the cash on joint stuff, that doesn't bode well.

Goodadvice1980 · 13/12/2025 15:55

Be careful OP, don’t be the placeholder girlfriend.

Atorwave · 13/12/2025 15:57

Saladmess · 13/12/2025 15:44

We have already spent tens of thousands 50/50 on the house in last 2 years. I was really happy to have it 90% done bar these final things (about £5K), and was planning on doing them over next 1.5 yrs. But he now has an opportunity to do it right away

Show quote history

And he’s not going to
he did not misled you on that
so ball in your court

how old are you both?

Outside9 · 13/12/2025 15:58

MrsWhites · 13/12/2025 15:33

So what if she does, a caring partner would want to share the good parts of their life as well as the struggle that you expect an equally good partner to support.

The OP supported her partner through the tough parts of this job so is it too much to ask that he now shares at least some of the benefits?

Show quote history

She can want whatever. But can accept there maybe varied reactions to this perceived desire.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 13/12/2025 15:59

He sounds weak and unable to care for you. Ltb xx

Stompingupthemountain · 13/12/2025 16:05

Saladmess · 13/12/2025 14:48

Thank you.. I couldn’t either. I have the funds. It’s just I can’t take the annual leave as my job is quite busy and it won’t be approved. I also need the leave for another holiday that’s already booked

Show quote history

Hmm… I could and I do. I’m freelance so can take time off whenever and work remotely, my partner cannot, his job has to be done in person and has fixed holidays (not a teacher but similar). I’ve solo travelled without him for several weeks at a time when he couldn’t afford to or get time off to come and I’ll do it again. On the flip side his parents have loads of money (mine don’t, and don’t/can’t give me any money) and have given him a couple of huge lump sums as they want to reduce inheritance tax. It has never crossed my mind that I should benefit from this, it’s his money to do what he likes with.

WallaceinAnderland · 13/12/2025 16:06

How much is your big holiday costing? I think I would rather have the floor replaced.

It seems to me that you are making a huge a fuss. You earn 50k each and only need 5k of work doing to finish the house and instead you're trotting off on holiday.

Get the house sorted then you can sell it or he can buy you out and you can go your separate ways if you don't see any future with him.

Atorwave · 13/12/2025 16:07

you have no debt
you have savings
you aren’t prepared to spend it towards the £5k of work needed

So… treat yourself (and ask him if he sees any future together!)

Bamfram · 13/12/2025 16:07

Sharing the ownership of a house is a convenience to him.
He doesn't want to invest in it.
He is sdnding you a huge message that you need to listen to.
He isn't invested in you.
He is a taker.
You are wasting your time.

Swipe left for the next trending thread