My partner is angry because I wont tell him my Bodycount

[northern2025]

He has repeatedly asked me and I haven’t answered him but now he has sat me down and said think carefully exactly what you say and wanted me to talk about my sec life since I was a teen, when I am mid forties now
I have been single for quite a bit of this time and had several short term relationships
he is making me feel anxious and isn’t speaking to me now as thinks I can’t be trusted

OK. I had one of these... The silent treatment is a method of manipulation.

You do something he doesn't want you to do (eg. going out). Instead of saying "I don't want you to go out without me" (because the control would be obvious) instead he 'punishes' you with silent treatment every time you do the thing he doesn't like. Over time, he will ramp up the punishment. So...in order to avoid the 'punishment' you stop doing the thing that triggers it (in your case going out).

It's a method used to train you (like a dog) to do what he wants - it's aversion training and classical conditioning.

You might want to look through this to see what else he does. I bet there's other things you've probably not noticed (because they always do this shit incrementally).

Psychology Today - 20 Signs of a Controlling Partner

In terms of your self esteem - I recommend the books on self-esteem by Dr Melanie Fennell. This is the one I have, and it is recommended and used in NHS therapy in my area:

Overcoming Low Self-Esteem, 2nd Edition: A self-help guide using cognitive behavioural techniques

There are downloadable worksheets available free here to accompany the book.

Get rid of this man. It will only get worse. Trust me - I've been there.

In some ways obvious asshole men like this are giving you a gift - the gift is the opportunity for you to decide what it really is you want from this life and what you think you deserve. If you walk away because you are finally clear on what you want and deserve, you will really increase your chances of getting that I believe.
If you stay, it will only get worse.

Look OP you have a busy weekend and have started going out more without him, you don't live with him and you have a fantastic dog. And work too. This is a brilliant foundation for a life without this Andrew Tate lookalike in it.

I've been having a chat with my friend about our exes and in particular one who was abusive every time I went out with friends. She said it was because he didn't trust me but there was no reason not to trust me, I'd given him none. It's not at all about trust, it's attempting control and power fuelled by misogyny.

Edited to add that if I went out on Friday, he gave me silence from Thursday to Monday.

Wow, what an abusive, controlling, insecure and misogynistic prick. I imagine he'd feel exactly the same about you whether you told him the number was less than 20 or in the hundreds. He thinks he's entitled to a virgin or a woman with very little sexual past history at all. Seriously, why are you even entertaining this total arsehole? You owe him absolutely nothing and if he's going to judge you for your past then he doesn't love you anyway, if he judges your worth today on who you did or didn't sleep with decades ago. He's disgusting. Who the fuck does he think he is to 'sit you down' and demand answers?

Tell him that you are working on the basis that he's likely to be outraged by the answer and will probably want to end things, or at least spend the next few months or years making you feel terrible about yourself, so you are going to save him the bother and end things for him. Twat.

Honestly, any man who obsesses over this question and feels entitled to know specifics is always going to be a massively insecure and controlling knobhead. Do better for yourself.

If I remember rightly Op, you don’t live with your Partner do you? So you have no financial ties to him whatsoever?
It will be easier for you to get rid because of this. You have to. You can’t keep on posting on here under different disguises, getting wonderful advise and then doing nothing. People are really trying to g to help you. But now you have to help yourself.
Get some self respect and find someone who will treat you with the dignity you deserve 😊❤️

Ditch him and change the locks.

Then go away for Christmas as he will get nasty. Be with people who genuinely care for you.

The first nasty text send him one message “I do not want you to contact me any more, any further communication, via any medium, will be harassment.” Then never reply, even if you desperately want to to correct a horrendous lie on his part.

Don’t block him, but do mute him. You might need the texts as evidence late on (I really hope you don’t but just in case).

Please also do a Clare’s law disclosure, you need to know if he has a history of escalation at the end of relationships.

To break up with him @northern2025 , all you need to do is the following:

1. Text him and tell him it's over and if he attempts to come round you will call the police

2. Block him on socials, his number & email address

3. Call a locksmith to change the lock

The small steps and you're free.

So why are you putting up with him and his constant questioning?

Please leave. Seriously, what are you going to regret?

Have you made Christmas plans? Does he have expectations?

Reach out to your friends and family who've already seen what's happening and expressed concerns, and ask for help. Can you go to them?

Tell them everything you've shared on your various threads. Hopefully writing it all out here will have helped you sort your thoughts out.

My first thought is usually 'why on earth is she still with him' - then everything I understand about abusive relationships kicks back in.

The way women can be brainwashed by men into thinking 'at least it's better than being single, who else will ever want me, I won't find anyone else at my age' and all the rest of the 💩.

How crumbs of romance, kindness, love bombing etc can rekindle false hope that he's changed.

How gaslighting can make her think 'it must be me, how can I improve, to deserve better?'

How bullying, wearing down resolve, constantly wrong-footing can confuse until she doesn't know which end is up.

And the fear of the consequences of saying and doing the wrong thing.

This. Is. Abuse.

If you do start telling him about your past relationships, he will probably be taking notes, recording conversations, pouncing on details and demanding more and more explanation. If your account differs in any way he will then seize on discrepancies and start tearing into them as 'evidence' you are lying. Until you will say anything to get him to stop. But still he'll be taking notes.

This man does not like, love or respect you.

He suspects and despises and controls you.

You. Are. Worth. Better.

PLEASE make 2026 your year, not his. And do it very carefully with support and backup.

Why not practice writing out your letter of resignation from the post of abused girlfriend right here?

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/find-information/managing-separation/leaving-abusive-relationship/

OP, my partner is like this. I’m currently sat this morning yet again doubting my worth due to blowing hot and cold all week.

ive always been of the opinion that anyone that asks this question deserves to be lied to, so I deducted 2 from my initial answer. I’ve slipped up a few times it’s more than that and it’s caused drama but I’ve played it off. The reason I lied is also because why should that be a mitigating factor of whether we continue our relationship or not?! It’s now the question of “how many people have seen you naked, how many people have touched your vagina, how many people have you ever spoken to in a sexual way” obviously with each niche question the figure goes up because I haven’t had sexnwith all these people. Now it causes issues whenever I mention a random person my partner asks how I know them, if I say I used to chat to them (if I’ve genuinely forgotten to mention before) it causes an argument.

my advice is be upfront from the start or just leave

He’s got some sort of delusion that body count matters when there is no scientific evidence to support that it affects ability to form bonds or is physically damaging.

a normal convo would be - shall we both get tested so we don’t bring anything here and what protection do you want to use?

please get rid of him, he’s some sort of weird misogynist. I’m sure he isn’t a virgin either. You deserve better.

its ok if it’s a non negotiable to you to discuss it. Just move on.

Bloody hell, you need to leave too

It's easy for others to say leave him but abuse isn't a 'one and done' thing. It's a chipping away at your self esteem bit by bit thing.

My advice from someone's that's been there is:

There is no answer you can give him that will make him happy.

The truth - too high you slag
Slightly lower than the truth - yeah right. You're more of a slag than that
Much lower than the truth - why are you lying to me you slag

Mine at the time of abuse was 3 with him being 4. I was still called a slut, slag etc. Any man I talked to as a friend I was a slag flirting with them.

So you've experienced the drip drip drip of abuse. It will not get better because there is nothing you can do to make it better. It's him and you cannot control his behaviour only your own. And you can leave. That's in your control.

OP, I hear you. It is easier sometimes to talk to anonymous strangers then it is to talk to people in real life. Although, you are going to get a lot more rudeness through anonymous strangers and I'm sorry about that.

I'm sure that you've taken the time to read through all the post although, this discussion has really gone long and there's a lot of post to read through. But even if you only read through your own, you have to see a pattern here.

You say that he's controlling, that he's irrational, that he's judging, that he calls you mean names like Scag and slut and irrational and stupid,
That he's been doing this for at least 6 months,
That you're happier when he's not around, that you don't live together,
That you think you have low self-esteem and you think that you'd rather be with someone who is constantly hounding you, constantly judging you, constantly mad at you about something that they have no business to be mad at you about, as opposed to the idea of "being alone"

Being on your own is not the same as being alone and it's not the same as being lonely. Yeah I know that there are times when you feel grateful to have someone else that you can talk to or that you can spend time with, but when you talk to this person and every conversation is loaded, and when you spend time with them and at the end, you feel trapped and you can't wait to be away from them... You see where I'm going with us?

You're a little bit younger than 50, you're not exactly put out to pasture.
And even if you were 93, who cares? You sound like an intelligent and introspective and interesting person. You may feel that you don't have a lot to offer a potential partner (and apologies for circling back to your original question but I hope that STIs are not something that you could be offering a potential partner, any chance that's possibly what this guy is on about? Have you guys been tested for any infections? That would be my primary concern with a new partner, not how many people they slept with, but making sure that it's safe for me to sleep with them...)

Seriously. You sound like you're too good for this guy. You really are.
You don't deserve to be hounded and berated and belittled and judged and shamed by him based on how many partners you've known intimately over your years of being a sexual adult. Infections aside, it's none of his business, it has nothing to do with keeping secrets or being dishonest, it's about him controlling you and judging you and prying and snooping and even if you gave him 100% honest answers with photographic backup, and a written testimonial from each partner that you had, that wouldn't be enough for him. Hed continue to harass you and then he would just pick something else to make you feel bad about.

Screw him, but not literally.
Don't screw him, get rid of him.

Think carefully indeed, who the hell does he think he is! The only thing you should be thinking about is dumping this jerk.

I expect if you asked for his body count, and if it was enormous amount, it would be fine cos he is a man. I expect he wants his to be more than yours. I doubt it is.

This

OP, please listen to everyone here and on your other threads. It is better to be on your own than with an abusive man. This man does not love you, he wants to control you and abuse you. This will only get worse and worse. If you tell him your count he will get even more abusive.

Your friends and family are worried about you. Listen to them and reach out for their help in ending this.

End the relationship at a distance, not on your own in the house with him. Block all channels of communication. Change the locks, remove any of his belongings for him to collect.

Ask the police to do a Claire's Law check on him.

He does not love you, he just wants to call you names and control you. That isn't love.

It is absolutely none of his business. Is he a sad manosphere follower?

But it is he who has made you worn down and anxious. You will be so much better off without all this nonsense to deal with.

You do not have to explain anything to anyone it's your life u choose what I want to share he isn't any kind of authority to u !!
I would do a sarahs law on him !
Or just get rid how long have u been seeing him ?

Dump him. He thinks your value as a woman impacted by your body count. He's a misogynistic pig. He's been watching too much Andrew Tate. How does he measure his value as a man? Surely, what's more important is if you are kind, loyal, faithful, loving, funny, and all that good stuff.

Wow op he sounds unhinged but just out of curiosity only what made you not want to tell him in the first place. Im just wondering if on some level you don't trust him, even before this happened . By the way before I get posts telling me off. Im in no way saying anyone has to ever say anything about their lives even if they trust the person. Im just wondering if hes really not the one for you and you knew this deep down.

According to your linked thread, you don't live together. Tell him it's over and change the locks. Better to be alone than with an arsehole.