How and Why is he Doing this (trigger DA)

[SockedandSad]

I've been seeing someone for a few months and before that I was on a few dating apps. I am also in contact with an ex boyfriend but not seen him for over a year.
Current guy somehow knows that I had dating apps (actually just deleted them because I like him and so decided I didn't want to continue with dating apps). He also knows I recently text my ex. He's basically now saying he won't share me and making passive aggressive comments about me messaging my ex.
Firstly, how does he actually get this knowledge. He says it's all to do with his past job years ago and he can get a friend to look into people. But why? But he's insinuating I'm involved with my ex when I'm not! I told him I deleted the dating apps because of him, he won't listen! He keeps trying to guilt me, but we hadn't even said we were exclusive. Why does it feel controlling and almost abusive??? Anyone got any thoughts? It's really upset me as he is normally really nice! I'm nearly divorced from my emotionally abusive husband, why does this feel scarily like that? 😪

Dont engage anymore with this pathetic excuse of a man.

It feels like that because that’s what it is - abuse. Run far away from this man.

Has he had any access to your phone? Have you left it with him when you went to the loo or shower etc? Are there any new apps installed on your phone? It feels controlling and abusive because it IS controlling and abusive.

I would end this relationship immediately, change all your passwords and I wonder if there is a way to check if your phone has been tampered with in some way? I'd report this to 101 given that he's actually been able to access information about you. This is not new behaviour for this guy clearly.

He is showing you his true colours. Run for the hills.

Agree with PPs, it feels abusive because it is. You’ve only known him a few months and he’s apparently having friends “look into” what you’re doing online. I’d bet my house he’s just guessing or sneaking a look at your phone. But whatever it is, run fast and far away from this controlling douchebag. And do the Freedom Programme to work out how to spot the early signs of abuse. This is one.

He may have installed an app on your phone, or has been snooping on your phone? His behaviour is abusive, and will only get worse. Please end this relationship. You deserve so much better than this.

uk.norton.com/blog/privacy/how-to-tell-if-your-cell-phone-is-tracked-tapped-or-monitored-by-spy-software?srsltid=AfmBOoqWTtN2diuf7ccmx5r_-mtSuU_ypPhbhvuXCWMvVwDzTPrjp5ii

https://nexusni.org/tech-sabotage-when-devices-become-tools-of-abuse/

You might find some helpful information using these links.

Also could you do an information request to see if he's been convicted of abusive behaviours before?

He's not had access to my phone. He told me he knows someone who can find things out. He said he has found out about my husband. When I told him my ex's name he looked him up too. He knew his job and where he lived. He obviously knows I text my ex as well. How???
He has been ultra complementary of me, made me feel special in lots of ways. Is it all part of control?

Feel relieved that you’ve spotted this abusive man nice and early and end the relationship. Then do the Freedom Programme or seek some therapy so you can learn about your own patterns or beliefs that are leading to you choosing (or not spotting) abusive partners.

This is creepy AF. This guy has clearly snooped in your phone and is making up sensationalist bullshit to make you feel like you’re being watched so you stay in line. This guy has narcissist screaming out him. My ex-h does this to my daughter and she’s an anxious wreck, it’s so damaging. Listen to your gut and run fast and far!!

It sounds like love bombing op. It might be worth having a look into that to see if it fits. It basically is where a partner is extremely romantic/complimentary/ generous etc at the beginning but it's more than usual and it's designed to speed the relationship along, to get you invested quickly and then it can be used to confuse you when the mask starts to slip.

He’s either bullshitting or bluffing. He looked in your phone (he does not “know a guy”) or he’s bluffing to see how you react and whether you confirm his accusations. Don’t bother explaining or justifying yourself to him, just dump his controlling ass.

Has he slept over op? Have you left your phone in the living room while you got a drink from the kitchen?

And yes, the ultra-nice behaviour early on is love-bombing and it’s a form of control. If you stay with him you will get into a cycle where he treats you like crap, you get fed up and prepare to leave, or actually do leave, and then he’ll be super super nice and apologetic again until he wins you back.

But the “nice” periods will get shorter and shorter over time until the nasty periods last longer than the nice periods, or there will be long periods that are neither super-nice nor super-nasty but just filled with disengagement and small niggles that aren’t quite bad enough to leave over… until another nasty event happens and the cycle repeats.

Factory reset on phone or new phone altogether.

Bin the man.

More red flags than a communist party. Well done for questioning it. Now don't quell that feeling that is inside and get rid of him.

He probably doesn’t know anything. He’s probably guessed about the dating apps as they are commonly used. And also about txting your ex. He was probably paranoid you did so accused you and was just coincidence you did. my ex did this to me constantly. It’s not worth putting up worth and is definitely not a relationship worth staying in. You’ll end up a paranoid mess if you stay

No he hasn't. I don't think I've ever left my phone with him. Plus it has a pin/fingerprint lock.
Am I just a magnetic for men who are coercive. He's been so nice to me , made me feel beautiful and wanted. What an idiot I am. I am so upset right now 😭

Is every abuser was nasty from the offset, no one would want them.

It's part of the push pull.

Have you got facial recognition/PIN on your phone? Notifications on Lock Screen?

It feels like abuse/control because it is.

He’s love bombing you. This will get you too attached to him to leave so he gets to control you more.

It’s part of the boundary testing. He’s really nice, amazing, incredible, does something that makes you pause to see what you’ll do, if you look like you’re leaving he’ll up the lovebombing.

If you feel confused, uncomfortable, uncertain and like you’re constantly chasing after him trying to appease/plead/reason with him for his affection you are not in a good relationship.

TLDR: He’s a twat. You’re worth more. Don’t try to work out what bullshit he’s pulling. Ditch him. Onwards and upwards.

I actually don't think you're an idiot at all.

I think you're noticed this quite early on and now his mask is slipping, you're on here to question it. That's great and you've listened to your instincts.

Now act on them and get away from him. I'd do a claire's law on him as well, something very fishy about this guy.

You aren't an idiot. You deserve to be treated well, the problem is this arsehole only did it for bad intentions - that doesn't make you the problem and you have trusted your gut enough to question all of this.

I think it's very possible he's bluffing to see what info he can manipulate out of you, but I'd still do a full reset on the phone and contact 101 to log it irregardless because tech is being used to abuse women more now.

Don't you blame yourself for this - he is the problem here not you.

And do a clares law. This is very early for the mask to slip this much which is such a red flag.

IT IS NOT YOU!!!

The only thing that is vaguely “wrong” with you is that your twat detector needs recalibrating.

What was your parents’ relationship like? Your relationship with your dad? What did you learn about relationships growing up? If you’ve been in an abusive relationship it will take some time to untangle what damage has been done.

You just need to work out what the red flags are, decide what you’re willing to put up with and teach your brain to believe you are enough and deserve to be happy, with or without a man.

How do I do Claires law? I don't know about this stuff. He knows where I live, where I work. I feel like he could be watching me!