How and Why is he Doing this (trigger DA)

[SockedandSad]

I've been seeing someone for a few months and before that I was on a few dating apps. I am also in contact with an ex boyfriend but not seen him for over a year.
Current guy somehow knows that I had dating apps (actually just deleted them because I like him and so decided I didn't want to continue with dating apps). He also knows I recently text my ex. He's basically now saying he won't share me and making passive aggressive comments about me messaging my ex.
Firstly, how does he actually get this knowledge. He says it's all to do with his past job years ago and he can get a friend to look into people. But why? But he's insinuating I'm involved with my ex when I'm not! I told him I deleted the dating apps because of him, he won't listen! He keeps trying to guilt me, but we hadn't even said we were exclusive. Why does it feel controlling and almost abusive??? Anyone got any thoughts? It's really upset me as he is normally really nice! I'm nearly divorced from my emotionally abusive husband, why does this feel scarily like that? 😪

He's a dangerous individual,the I know someone that can find out stuff etc.
Get rid but be mindful of how you get rid and take safety precautions for yourself.

I wouldn't bother doing Claire's law I'd just get rid asap. He sounds scary. Hope you're ok.

It feels controlling and abusive because it is.

He might really have a friend who is as much a freak as he is and enjoys abusing their power to hack into the accounts of someone they don’t know. I think it’s more likely that the guy you are seeing has downloaded a snooping app on your devices so that he can monitor what you’re doing.

Either way it’s is completely unacceptable. It would be an outrageous breach of privacy and trust from a long term partner let alone someone you barely know. Nice men don’t do this. But nasty controlling bastards who do this kind of shit also act nice at times to reel you in and keep you on the hook. And, if this kind of creep changes at all it’s always for the worst.

Please dump him, get your devices swept for dodgey software and cleaned. Then block him. I would even change my phone number, email and any other contact apps to ensure neither he nor his “friend” had access to me. Then please do the Women’s Aid Freedom Program. You need some help to get some insight into avoiding abusive men and repeating relationship patterns. That isn’t a criticism. The program exists because so many women need it.

I submitted a Clares law request. The police sent me an email at about 1am asking when I'm free to discuss.
I have my kids around though and can't have then seeing police coming over! I have said I am on my own next week. Not heard back yet. Kind of scared that they came back so fast.

The important thing is he hasn't moved in with you, do all you can to end the relationship.

I’m not really sure what the point of a Claire’s law request is.

You’ve only been dating a few months and it’s not working out, so just end things and move on.

The issue I have with the Claire’s law (even though it’s amazing) is that people only request it because they see red flags or their gut is telling them something is wrong - but then if it comes back clear then they take that as a sign that the man is fine and continue with the relationship, completely ignoring the red flags.

OP you have started a thread and even used the words abusive and controlling which are really strong words and are not said lightly - yet you’re still asking for opinions on what you should do and I can’t help feel that if the Claire’s law request is clear that you will just stay with him.

Gently, you should very vulnerable and you need to be single for a couple of years and get some therapy to make sure you’re not a victim.

Why are you in contact with your ex if he was abusive?

Op, it sounds like your radar is improving. Definitely organise to speak to police ASAP and be ready yo end this relationship.

He's trying to psyche you out. He thinks you being afraid that he 'knows a man' will make you too scared to do anything. This is not a nice man, OP, this is a man who will become dangerous if given half a chance.

Tell him it's not working for you any more and dump him.

Because he is my children's dad. He was controlling and coercive towards me but he ia their dad and he's never harmed them.

Don’t waste your time. Even without that, he’s a disturbing, abusive loser. There is noway on earth that you should continue dating a controlling, suspicious, accusatory ABUSER for one more minute.

Please dump him and block. And do the Freedom Programme and seek counseling urgently before you consider dating again.

And stay off the apps.

It’s so frustrating that the OP would even consider continuing to see him, especially since she mentioned she has children.

OP, why would you take even the slightest risk of bringing yet another abuser into your children’s lives? Seriously, why??

He says it's all to do with his past job years ago and he can get a friend to look into people.

Could he have cloned your phone, or put your apple ID on his phone?

Either way, run, don't walk

This feels like your emotionally abusive husband because this is an emotionally abusive, controlling weirdo.

You don't need a Claire's Law request because he has already shown you exactly who he is, and no amount of otherwise 'perfect' behaviour can change that.

Only continue this relationship if you want to be treated like this for the rest of your life - and worse. You already know they only ever get worse. This is the start of the relationship - as good as it gets, and the easiest it will ever be to leave.

Don't waste any more time or risk any more abuse of you or your children.

That’s completely fair enough but I assume the new man knows this and so why would he be shocked/annoyed at you texting your ex when he knows you’re in regular contact with him - it’s a control thing.

You know he’s not a good person for you to be with.
How can you be with someone who has an issue with you being in contact with your kids dad - this can never work.

End it today and move on.
Life is too short to waste it on people like this.

Exactly!!

She has used words like controlling and abusive but hasn’t run for the hills.

I always think adults can do whatever they want but when there are kids involved then it is so frustrating when they bake bad choices.

As a mum, my first instinct is to protect my kids and there is no way I would ever go anywhere near a man who could potentially be controlling or abusive.

Op the fact the police WANT to see you means they have information they need to make you aware of.....thats all you need to know, get rid now!!!!

There is a point because if he's very dangerous then op has the right to know and be informed about that as she's now on his radar. Plus it may help fill in a picture for the police so they can better support and protect her. I agree that irregardless of the outcome of a clares law request the best option here is to leave him even if it comes back clear.

I doubt he has found out anything that other people couldn't. You've told him your ex and kids dad's name, so he can look them up online. Of course you are in contact with your ex because of the kids. Dating apps? Fairly easy to guess.
HOWEVER, he is giving you other bad vibes, so just end it.

Is that right? I wasn't sure if they just wanted to ask me more questions.😩
Either way I'm leaving the relationship.
Thank you for all the supportive messages .
Those that have judged, thank you too. I hope you're never in a difficult situation like this just hoping for a bit of support!

congratulations on leaving...believe me; he'd have only got worse (they always do when you 'forgive' the first few red flags).
best of luck to you for a bright future x

i suppose the Claire’s law is useful so you have a better understanding of what you’re dealing with, but regardless of that you need to cut it off while you’re ahead.

At best he’s just full of it and creepy trying to fish for arguments, at worse he’s dangerous. Either way he’s a controlling prick and needs to go.

Still get the info off the police though, dont tell them youve ended the relarionship as they then wont declare anyrhing to you.

With the info they do give, take it as a very steep learning curve at how at risk you potentially could have been at.

Start educating yourself on red flag, abusive behaviour, so much information online. You may notice so many that you ignored. Bit what from what youve said here, hes a typical example.

Why does it feel controlling and almost abusive???

Because it is.

Because it is. Be's controlling and abusive. End it, quickly.

Well done for dumping him OP.

You don’t need to carry on with the Claire’s law request but I probably would out of curiosity and to make myself more careful in the future.

A good rule of thumb is no matter how nice someone is to you, if you think there is even a hint of controlling behaviour or abuse then find someone else.
No excuses or trying to ignore it, just straight get rid of them.

Women have their pick of men.
Men have to work much harder to impress a woman.
Remember that you are a prize and you should not settle for less when there are hundreds of men who would treat you right.

Unfortunately, abusive men can sense a woman who is vulnerable and it does mean that you have to be extra careful with who you date.

My advice would be to stay single for ay least a year and work on yourself.
Once you are happily single, strong and independent - then look for someone to date and even then just take things slow.