How and Why is he Doing this (trigger DA)

[SockedandSad]

I've been seeing someone for a few months and before that I was on a few dating apps. I am also in contact with an ex boyfriend but not seen him for over a year.
Current guy somehow knows that I had dating apps (actually just deleted them because I like him and so decided I didn't want to continue with dating apps). He also knows I recently text my ex. He's basically now saying he won't share me and making passive aggressive comments about me messaging my ex.
Firstly, how does he actually get this knowledge. He says it's all to do with his past job years ago and he can get a friend to look into people. But why? But he's insinuating I'm involved with my ex when I'm not! I told him I deleted the dating apps because of him, he won't listen! He keeps trying to guilt me, but we hadn't even said we were exclusive. Why does it feel controlling and almost abusive??? Anyone got any thoughts? It's really upset me as he is normally really nice! I'm nearly divorced from my emotionally abusive husband, why does this feel scarily like that? 😪

Why does it feel controlling and almost abusive??? Anyone got any thoughts? It's really upset me as he is normally really nice! I'm nearly divorced from my emotionally abusive husband, why does this feel scarily like that? 😪

@SockedandSad lets work through this statement backwards

your husband is abusive? Then you’re many times more likely to attract the same kind of man.

why does this feel the same? Because it is the same, it’s abusive, it’s controlling and SO soon into the relationship it’s indicative of a VERY DANGEROUS RELATIONSHIP

he is normally very nice? That’s fake. The nasty is the real him and it will only ever increase until there is no nice left - you know this already, it happened with your stbxh.

my love, ITS ONLY A FEW WEEKS IN, this is nothing, it’s a non-starter. You need to end it as safely and peacefully as you can.

the speed of his abuse is terrifying, your life is potentially at risk. End it, call the police at the first sign of trouble

Ditch this huge red flag of a man now.

God knows how he found out this information but the fact is that he has by ways of deceit and snooping.

If you’d told him yourself you were still on dating apps and in touch with an ex he would be well within his right to say he wasn’t comfortable with that and if you wanted to keep seeing him you’d have to make some changes however that isn’t the case.

He’s controlling, manipulating and sneaky.

Get rid, this isn’t going to get any better.

you have a vulnerability that attracts those men, there is a hole in your self worth, your self esteem that makes you a target of those who wish to exploit you.

you can fix this, see if you can do the freedom programme in person ideally, it’s a really powerful tool to help you understand what is and isn’t right in relationships. If you can access therapy too that will help

If you do nothing else; read this : https://www.scribd.com/document/858542262/Why-Does-He-Do-That-Inside-the-Minds-of-Angry-and-Controlling-Men-Scribd-Download

buy the paperback from Amazon ideally and read and reread it.

until you learn to value yourself, know that you’re lovable and worthy of a good, kind, gentle man, these godawful men will keep trying it on.

i was you, i did the work, im living my best life now and if i can do this, anyone can.

I've now had a message to say sorry about his behaviour. I blocked him and then this morning I have had all these post it notes on my car saying "forgive me", "I'm sorry", "marry me" etc! So he was at my house some time in the night.

Id be reporting this to the police.

The police are contacting me on Monday evening. I will speak to them about it then.

I don't think he would harm me but what do I know 😒

So you must report it right now- they are coming on Monday, but if they knew he had done this to your car they may feel the need to escalate the visit. You say ‘what do I know’- that’s the point, the police do know.

You really need to call the police about this right now. He is escalating.

Please don’t be passive. Take charge of this situation and call the police! I hope you took photos of the notes.

I agree. Police now, not on Monday.

Read 'In Control' by Prof Jane Monckton Smith. It explains how abusive partners operate to ensnare you, including the 'love bombing' stage of a relationship which you've experienced here

If you need to ask then you need to ditch him - what is he adding to your life?

Hold your head up and have some self-respect. The only man you need in your life is a decent kind one - if you can't find one of those then have none!

Don’t leave it til Monday OP, that’s silly.

You have children to prioritise and now know that this man is at minimum completely incapable of accepting you saying no to him.

The fact the police asked to see you so soon after your CL request means it’s very likely there is relevant history they wish to share with you. This means it’s very likely he’s dangerous.

You need to call the police today, not let the whole weekend pass with potential for further escalation.

Put your kids first and report this today.

Contact the police straightaway. Tell them you have submitted a claire's law request on this guy, you have officers coming out on Monday to discuss but that you have tried to block contact and then this has happened.

It needs documenting, and likely if you ignore him and his post it notes he will ramp it up and try and 'win you round' any which way he can. If that doesn't work, he will change tactic and you have no idea what this man is capable of. You are in danger and so are your children.

You are being far too laid back here. He’s been at your house during the night and covering your car with post it notes is far from normal, so call the police now!
Also, I know you said you have your children with you but I’d be wanting to know what they know asap!!!! They’re either old enough to be in school, so speak to the police then, or they’re young enough to not have to tell them why the police are talking to you. Honestly, ring them now!

This isn’t normal behaviour. Ring the police and update them and if you can get yourself to the station to talk to them about the Claire’s law discovery rather than waiting until they can come to you when your children aren’t there.

It feels controlling because is controlling.
Dump him.
He and his MI5 friend can play I spy in the pub if they wish.

Update to also advice on report him as PP have said

Call the police right now and keep all the notes for evidence. If you haven’t taken them off the car yet take pictures.

in future, if he does it again, use a bag inside out to take them off the car after you’ve taken a photo. Or do the same to keep a note he’s put through your door.

All a clear Clare’s law means is that he’s never been reported before. It’s not Failsafe.

Sounds soooo off op. Well done for submitting the Claire’s law request a d getting rid.

Oh op that's really unhinged behaviour to come in the night and do that to your car. I agree I'd be logging that with police and asking if they can come out sooner. Take photos if you haven't already and record the date and time you found it and when you were last at your car. Do not respond to or engage with anything he sends you- absolute radio silence to him on your end you do not want to feed this fire in any way with communication of any sort. Do you have a ring doorbell that can capture the front of your house/car?

I would suggest you cut ties with your ex if you actually want to go into other relationships, why? its rare that anyone is okay with that

Him? cut him off now, my ex had a guy lose his ish over texting their ex and long story shot, she has scars from this now

This is the biggest red flag I've seen on this forum to date.

He thinks that you don't get to say "no" to him. Think about what that "logic" means when applied to money, sex, kids, the works.

Report this to the police. Not on Monday, NOW!

I've spoken to the police today and they are logging the post it notes incident so that it's documented.
They will get back to me about Claires law request. Apparently if I've already cut ties they may not disclose anything.they looked him up in their laptop and they had his photo on there. Not sure if that's because he has a record or do the police have pictures of everyone?

Wow - scary dude! REALLY scary dude. RUN. This is one of those mega controlling ones that ends up killing you.

People don't have pictures of everyone... From the sister of a cop.