How and Why is he Doing this (trigger DA)

[SockedandSad]

I've been seeing someone for a few months and before that I was on a few dating apps. I am also in contact with an ex boyfriend but not seen him for over a year.
Current guy somehow knows that I had dating apps (actually just deleted them because I like him and so decided I didn't want to continue with dating apps). He also knows I recently text my ex. He's basically now saying he won't share me and making passive aggressive comments about me messaging my ex.
Firstly, how does he actually get this knowledge. He says it's all to do with his past job years ago and he can get a friend to look into people. But why? But he's insinuating I'm involved with my ex when I'm not! I told him I deleted the dating apps because of him, he won't listen! He keeps trying to guilt me, but we hadn't even said we were exclusive. Why does it feel controlling and almost abusive??? Anyone got any thoughts? It's really upset me as he is normally really nice! I'm nearly divorced from my emotionally abusive husband, why does this feel scarily like that? 😪

You can do it via the police station or ring them (your local one) if they have anything they will ring back and make an appointment with you to disclose anything.

You sound like you're panicking. You'll be okay. Just get your facts about you, don't tell him you're doing a Claire's law for the love of god. I'd end it though due to what he's been saying alone. Tell family and friends. Get a doorbell if you're worried.

If you google “Claire’s Law application” you’ll get lots of hits for various police forces. Find your one and follow the link.

Good luck OP 💐

I agree with PP do a Claire’s law and honestly get out while you can this ain’t normal. And it’s not you at all. It’s him its very alarming and as you said you aren’t exclusive xx

Depending on where you work and what systems you have access to you can find alot - you'd be very surprised.
My dh used to work on this sector.

Friends of friends unlocked fb profiles or friend ingredients targets friends... same with linkedin... companies house..it doesn't take a lot...

Also People often say "they had no access" but actually is it true? If you put you pin into your phone in his presence... if you showered and left your phone on charge? People are sneaky!!!

HOW he is doing it is irrelevant to some degree - I would want my phone checked and reset to factory settings by a professional.

I would also break up with him asap and do a clare's law AND log his creepy behaviour with the police (you arent filing or chargong him woth anything its just a log). You might help the next woman.

What a fucking creepy mc creep face.

Men like this can sense a vulnerable woman. They don't stick around with the women who stand up to them.

RUN!

If he definitely doesn’t have or had access to your phone then he’s bluffing. He does not have a guy who watches you or hacks your stuff. He’s hedged a bet on you being on the apps or in touch with an ex and it so happens you have on both counts. They are so predictable with this bullshit. Fantasist of a man and he has you exactly where he wants you, paranoid about being watched! What a nutter

All good advice above

Just to add if you have a car have a good check that he hasn’t put a tracking device on it.

Also depending where you work you may want to ask them to not let him in if he comes there looking for you

He's probably just seen notifications on your lock screen. He sounds controlling and immature to me

The looking you up is one thing - I don't see a quick google, glance at public social media or a look on LinkedIn as inherently strange at all - but telling you his findings combined with:

'I know a bloke who can find out things'

is properly creepy and weird. Not to mention it makes him sound like a cringe wannabe gangster.

Chuck this one back.

OP, by all means make a Clare’s Law request, but if the police have no info on him, absolutely do not assume that having a clear record means he’s not a dangerous and abusive man.

Mumsnet threads often seem to suggest that Clare’s Law is a foolproof way of finding out whether a man is abusive. But it really isn’t. Most men who abuse and control women, even violently, will never have had a complaint made about them to the police. And it’s also possible to be abusive in ways that don’t constitute criminal behaviour.

Clare’s Law might indeed reveal further info about him and I do think it would be worth pursuing in case you need to look into security measures for your home etc, but you don’t need Clare’s Law to tell you what you already know: you have already experienced him being abusive to you and you need to leave him.

Huge red flag this is freaky. I'm sorry but you need to get rid of stalker this type of control can turn violent. You must know this is not normal.

Yes. He is training you to be a DV victim. Get out now.

🚩 🚩 🚩

Fingerprint locks can be used whilst you are sleeping and PINs can be shoulder-surfed.

If you've spent the night together, he could use your finger to unlock your phone and install stalkerware. Stalkerware often claims to be for monitoring children.

Either way, you feel that his behaviour is wrong and that's because it is wrong. Bin this guy off and install a reputable antivirus that checks for stalkerware on your phone.

To repeat what others have said: you are not an idiot. You smelled a rat and you asked the vipers of Mumsnet for advice. That's smart thinking.

As for the always attracting abusive men part: they choose vulnerable women. That's their choice to be predators, not yours.

Have you stayed at his ? How long have you been seeing him? He's probably just very good online there are apps that you can use to spy on people.

The controller charms you to bond you so that your intensely connected and when they treat you mean you will try to fix it you will wonder where you went wrong. If you have had this type of relationship before you might need a therapist to get you to a place where to are confident more confident. It sounds like you have spotted this early-ish. In my case I love too much I forgive and honestly I have put up with some real shit it's only now I'm older and wiser that I am stronger.

I am just very caring and loving it's just who I am. However I moved my husband out months ago told him I'm not living with him after he treats us like we're an option and is extremely selfish charmed the pants off me for first few months. Moved him out and I thought he would pull his socks up, he has in some ways but now I'm even stronger and am setting boundaries buying the house I'm in myself. I know now no matter what happens with this marriage despite him being the love of my life I am good with me and that's where you need to get. This what's happening to you as I said before is stalker obsession behaviour though it's extremely dangerous please dump him and block him on everything. I would do a Claire's law then if he doesn't leave you alone you can go to the police armed with information. Hope you are ok op.

By all means educate yourself on what a Clare’s Law request is, but there’s no point requesting one for this man as surely the red flags he has already shown mean he’s getting binned off.

Love bombing....

This guy is screaming psycho to me!!!! End it now.....

Is your wifi password on or near your router? If so you might want to change it AFTER you have checked your phone for spyware. A friend's son has just had to reset his router passwords due to hacking.

Because your instinct is spot on. Listen to it

You can check how many and which devices are attached to your wifi to make sure there isn't a device in your home or nearby. The young man I mentioned found a camera and microphone in his bedroom. In his case it was his flatmate, but anyone who has access can either hack into your router and or place a device in a few minutes.

You've had some great info or here regarding Claire's Law. The guy sounds unhinged!

But can I say "WELL DONE" you're not an idiot you've seen through after only a couple of months.

Now learn from previous mistakes and bin him now! Run! Run as fast as your wee legs can take you, far far away from him.

And I can guarantee he has no "friends. He's fishing, saying he knows you've text your ex. Just fishing!

And as for finding your ex'a job etc, once I know someone's name I can find almost anyone on the internet. It's surprisingly easy!

Run my lovely please run!

Why bother, just get rid of him. Why would you not end it immediately? This is a huge red flag.

Please end this relationship. I've had similar in the past - it's very controlling behaviour.