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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How and Why is he Doing this (trigger DA)

111 replies

SockedandSad · 10/12/2025 22:25

I've been seeing someone for a few months and before that I was on a few dating apps. I am also in contact with an ex boyfriend but not seen him for over a year.
Current guy somehow knows that I had dating apps (actually just deleted them because I like him and so decided I didn't want to continue with dating apps). He also knows I recently text my ex. He's basically now saying he won't share me and making passive aggressive comments about me messaging my ex.
Firstly, how does he actually get this knowledge. He says it's all to do with his past job years ago and he can get a friend to look into people. But why? But he's insinuating I'm involved with my ex when I'm not! I told him I deleted the dating apps because of him, he won't listen! He keeps trying to guilt me, but we hadn't even said we were exclusive. Why does it feel controlling and almost abusive??? Anyone got any thoughts? It's really upset me as he is normally really nice! I'm nearly divorced from my emotionally abusive husband, why does this feel scarily like that? 😪

OP posts:
Original poster
SockedandSad · 12/12/2025 15:47

TreeDudette · 12/12/2025 15:40

Wow - scary dude! REALLY scary dude. RUN. This is one of those mega controlling ones that ends up killing you.

That's really unhelpful

OP posts:
TreeDudette · 12/12/2025 15:53

SockedandSad · 12/12/2025 15:47

That's really unhelpful

Show quote history

I don't think it is. He is already showing very controlling tendencies. These guys don't get magically better. He is telling you he "knows" you are already being unfaithful with your ex. He is highly likely to be making that up but the fact that he is gaslighting you is scary. The police have his photo... I wasn't trying to be funny, I'd say this was one of the scary ones.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 12/12/2025 16:23

I am genuinely concerned for your safety.

  • Do you have somewhere you can go for the weekend or an adult who can stay with you?
  • Check the nooks and crannies of your car in case he's put a tracker on it. So inside the wheel arches, under the sills, anywhere that a keyfob-sized magnetic object could stick unnoticed.
  • Consider a video camera doorbell.
  • Check all your windows and doors are locked.
  • If you can garage your car overnight, do so.
selffellatingouroborosofhate · 12/12/2025 16:27

TreeDudette · 12/12/2025 15:53

I don't think it is. He is already showing very controlling tendencies. These guys don't get magically better. He is telling you he "knows" you are already being unfaithful with your ex. He is highly likely to be making that up but the fact that he is gaslighting you is scary. The police have his photo... I wasn't trying to be funny, I'd say this was one of the scary ones.

Show quote history

Do your comments help OP with suggestions to reduce the risk this man poses to her, or do they just make her more likely to panic?

That's what "really unhelpful" refers to in this context.

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 12/12/2025 16:31

Oh, and document everything he does to you, no matter how small. Stalking is defined in law as a pattern of behaviour.

Leopardsandcheetahsarefast · 12/12/2025 16:32

Controlling bastard. Finish it now. This is a red banner.

Terrribletwos · 12/12/2025 16:37

SockedandSad · 10/12/2025 22:38

He's not had access to my phone. He told me he knows someone who can find things out. He said he has found out about my husband. When I told him my ex's name he looked him up too. He knew his job and where he lived. He obviously knows I text my ex as well. How???
He has been ultra complementary of me, made me feel special in lots of ways. Is it all part of control?

Show quote history

Absolutely control and I am not sure how you think otherwise but obviously do not engage further with this weirdo!

Terrribletwos · 12/12/2025 16:51

Ah sorry, I have now read the updates and as PPs have suggested chase up the police and let them know about this latest development. He certainly needs put in his place and away from you.

BauhausOfEliott · 12/12/2025 18:38

SockedandSad · 12/12/2025 15:29

I've spoken to the police today and they are logging the post it notes incident so that it's documented.
They will get back to me about Claires law request. Apparently if I've already cut ties they may not disclose anything.they looked him up in their laptop and they had his photo on there. Not sure if that's because he has a record or do the police have pictures of everyone?

Show quote history

do the police have pictures of everyone?

Er... no. The police absolutely do not 'have pictures of everyone'. If they have a picture of him on file, he is known to them.

Pusstachio · 12/12/2025 22:43

OP I work with vunerable women and hear this ‘I’ve got contacts who can trace you’ bullshit all the time, it’s a really common scare tactic and he most certainly does not. He will be bluffing, scouring social media and potentially using apps that tell you for instance when two WhatsApp users are online at the same time.

He is being abusive so try to put as much distance between you and him as safely as you can and ensure your friends and family know.

Pusstachio · 12/12/2025 22:45

BauhausOfEliott · 12/12/2025 18:38

do the police have pictures of everyone?

Er... no. The police absolutely do not 'have pictures of everyone'. If they have a picture of him on file, he is known to them.

Show quote history

I wonder if they were discreetly trying to do something when they can’t formally disclose…

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