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Original poster

Something feels off - could he be gay?

151 replies

Pigglywink · 09/12/2025 04:29

Been on 4 very good dates with a genuinely lovely guy. He’s been exemplary in terms of how he’s treated me, organised everything, chosen beautiful restaurants, just been very ‘gentlemanly’ and thoughtful. He makes me feel very safe. He’s been so consistent and intentional.

We kissed for the first time on the first date and he seemed pretty attracted to me. 3rd date we spent like an hour just kissing at a booth at the bar. 4th date was at his place, he cooked me dinner so it was kind of implied this would be a sex date.

After dinner I had to suggest we go upstairs and then we couldn’t actually have sex because he couldn’t get hard. He said it was common for him with new partners and was a mental thing. He did express an interest in making sure I was satisfied but didn’t go down on me. It kind of just felt like that really strong sort of ‘passion’ or desire was missing though, I don’t know if that’s because he couldn’t follow through. I’ve never actually experienced this with a guy before.

Then the next day he told me he had a hair appointment later and just randomly made a comment about his hair stylist seeming really straight but referenced a male partner recently so he was surprised he was actually gay. It seemed an odd thing to randomly mention.
Over breakfast he was talking a lot about gay / lesbian people at his company and how they were actively looking to increase their LGBT hires, again a bit random to mention.
On date 2 we ordered cocktails and his was very pink and I jokingly said just as well he was comfortable with his masculinity / sexuality and he went a bit OTT and said ‘oh I’m VERY comfortable with my sexuality’ and it just seemed a bit of an excessive reaction.

Looks wise I am very feminine, I have long hair, slim but curvy with boobs and a bum. He seems attracted to me in that he will instigate physical affection and kiss me a lot but there just seems to be something ‘missing’ that I’ve had with other men where they just kind of have less… control around me almost. I haven’t felt like I’ve had to ‘fend him off’ or set the pace sexually like I have with other men, although dinner at his on the 4th date was his suggestion. But maybe I am used to men being less respectful!

I am mid thirties he is mid forties, divorced, two kids. His ex-wife was unfaithful. Been around 4 years since they split and has not had any LTRs in that time. From what he has told me it’s all fizzled out around the 3/4th date mark. He got married pretty young. He seems keen to settle down and have more kids.

I honestly don’t know if I am over thinking this but something just feels ‘off’ - the ED thing has really thrown me but it was more he just also didn’t seem wildly turned on even. For context (and not needlessly being big headed!) I am very conventionally attractive and tend to get a lot of attention from men generally. He’s made comments about how much he fancies me. But I don’t know, the other night has thrown me. In every other way it has seemed a little too good to be true because he is so lovely and thoughtful and seems really eager to please me and see me a lot. He doesn’t have any sort of effeminate mannerisms or present in that way at all but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. This is honestly not an ego thing and if I felt like he just didn’t fancy me that would be totally fine, but his consistency in organising dates etc and otherwise pursuing me don’t suggest that, and then I suppose it’s the other things which seem small but have me wondering…

Please be kind as I feel really vulnerable posting this. I hope I am wrong but I can’t shake this feeling and not sure if I am just paranoid because I’ve had such bad experiences with men in the past / if I’m just looking for problems. I really do like him as well. First person I could have actually seen myself having a long term relationship with in ages.

I’ve never encountered the performance anxiety thing before either so not sure how I should handle that, just wait to see if it resolves and maybe I will have my answer. He’s already organising dates 5 and 6 so as I said he seems keen.

I don’t know I guess I just feel flat and a bit disappointed and just like something is wrong 😞

OP posts:
Justlostmybagel · 09/12/2025 05:01

Sounds like a non-starter anyway. It's only been four dates and you're not feeling it. Nothing should be feeling "off" so early on. The gay aspect isn't really relevant.

Throw him back.

PinkSkies2026 · 09/12/2025 05:19

Does he drink much alcohol, does he exercise and eat well? In your 40s those things can impact on ahem performance. I just don't find they have the stamina otherwise 🤣

Is it also the thought...but did he not find me attractive enough? It's not that uncommon to have nerves the first time so I wouldn't read too much into it.

Summerhillsquare · 09/12/2025 05:42

He's a middle aged man, it happens! They can't all get it up as they get older.

TwistedWonder · 09/12/2025 05:49

He’s a middle aged man who has been singje for a few years - it happens!

You're reading way too much into this but if you’re already thinking like this after 4 dates, then it’s probably a waste of time

Lurkingandlearning · 09/12/2025 05:49

I can see why you’re thinking that way, the combination of introducing LGBT randomly into the conversation together with his lack of enthusiasm for sex would make me wonder too.

It might be nerves and his defensiveness is probably embarrassment. I don’t think trying to force a conversation will get you anywhere. I don’t think you can do anything really other than give it time. Of course you can’t know how much time or if it’s ever going to be resolved so you have to decide if he is worth the wait but also if you want that uncertainty while you are waiting.

Personally I’d work on the third time lucky thing, so two more attempts at sex and if it’s still not what I want I would call it a day

CosmopolitanCocktail · 09/12/2025 05:50

I’d give your head a wobble.

Middle aged man, performance nerves , can’t get it up. Probably normal especially if previous marriage and new relationship.

You= but I’m so attractive

Conclusion= he must be gay

🤣

UpDownAllAround1 · 09/12/2025 06:30

It happens to me ! It’s common. But the more important thing is your gut feel

KTSl1964 · 09/12/2025 06:46

Could he have been over using porn? Only time will tell.

Itschristmasxxxx · 09/12/2025 06:50

Maybe he's had second thoughts and he's decided you're just not his type.

4th date is nothing. Move on. Plenty more fish in the sea.

NewUserName2244 · 09/12/2025 06:50

The two things don’t necessarily need to be connected.

40 year old man not getting hard the first time, especially if he’s had alcohol, is not uncommon.

He might be bi, or thinking about exploring that, if he’s mentioning lgbt stuff. Could be that he’s checking that you’re not homophobic before he discusses it with you.

If you like him I’d try again with the sex, in the daytime, when he hasn’t had a drink, and see if that’s better….

Blueuggboots · 09/12/2025 06:50

You’re not feeling it. Something is off. Throw this one back.

Christmas2025 · 09/12/2025 06:56

Is he pursuing you because he wants more kids? Like you I'd be worried he's gay. His comments are weird, like having mentionitis of the OW except for gay people. It's not just you getting the weird vibes if everyone else he's dated has binned him off too.

If he seems too good to be true is he love bombing you? Whether he's gay or some other reason. I'd be concerned about that.

If he wants to be with a woman it sounds like he needs someone who isn't really that into sex and wouldn't much care if it fizzled out so long as she got kids from the relationship and he remained a nice guy.

If he just wanted to take things slowly why doesn't he say so? Why invite you over, for what he must know is implied/expected to be a sex date, if he's not ready to have sex? So it's ED (that he CBA to fix) or he's gay then 🤷 Unless you're that ⬆️ woman OP, I wouldn't bother.

I know what you mean about men being sex pests at times and that's obviously annoying and not on, but on the flip side they're socialised from birth to go for what they want - so if they're not making it very clear they want to sleep with you, then they probably don't. It's a fine line and whilst you don't want pushy behaviour, you should be able to feel the chemistry of desire.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 09/12/2025 06:58

Justlostmybagel · 09/12/2025 05:01

Sounds like a non-starter anyway. It's only been four dates and you're not feeling it. Nothing should be feeling "off" so early on. The gay aspect isn't really relevant.

Throw him back.

Edited

Agreed

YellowCherry · 09/12/2025 07:03

You say that you've had really bad experiences with men in the past. I think that some women (this may or may not be true of you) are addicted to the dramatic highs and lows of someone who blows hot and cold. This man is kind and consistent but not hugely sexual. Your sense that something is "off" may be just that he's very different to your previous partners, but that may be a positive thing if those didn't work out well. I would definitely give this guy a chance for a bit longer.

StickyToffeePavlovas · 09/12/2025 07:13

I find it feminine that he has a hair stylist, sorry 😅 Yes I think he could be a closet gay, it's happened to myself, my friend and another girl I know so it's fairly common. He might like the facade of being with a stunning woman to cover it up.
Aside from that I think you should go for someone your own age. 10 years is a lot.

Original poster
Pigglywink · 09/12/2025 07:36

Christmas2025 · 09/12/2025 06:56

Is he pursuing you because he wants more kids? Like you I'd be worried he's gay. His comments are weird, like having mentionitis of the OW except for gay people. It's not just you getting the weird vibes if everyone else he's dated has binned him off too.

If he seems too good to be true is he love bombing you? Whether he's gay or some other reason. I'd be concerned about that.

If he wants to be with a woman it sounds like he needs someone who isn't really that into sex and wouldn't much care if it fizzled out so long as she got kids from the relationship and he remained a nice guy.

If he just wanted to take things slowly why doesn't he say so? Why invite you over, for what he must know is implied/expected to be a sex date, if he's not ready to have sex? So it's ED (that he CBA to fix) or he's gay then 🤷 Unless you're that ⬆️ woman OP, I wouldn't bother.

I know what you mean about men being sex pests at times and that's obviously annoying and not on, but on the flip side they're socialised from birth to go for what they want - so if they're not making it very clear they want to sleep with you, then they probably don't. It's a fine line and whilst you don't want pushy behaviour, you should be able to feel the chemistry of desire.

Well this is what’s weird, it was him who invited me over and it’s him who has been doing all the pursuing like organising dates and getting in touch first. So it’s not a lack of interest generally per se.

it could be because I’m used to guys being general sex pests and he isn’t. Not to say he isn’t instigating physical affection a lot. But it feels kind of just nice rather than low key almost… threatening which is can do when it’s like all a guy wants to do is shag you 😂

it was just the combination of randomly dropping in otherwise unnecessary comments about gay people and the other night just got me thinking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pigglywink · 09/12/2025 07:37

StickyToffeePavlovas · 09/12/2025 07:13

I find it feminine that he has a hair stylist, sorry 😅 Yes I think he could be a closet gay, it's happened to myself, my friend and another girl I know so it's fairly common. He might like the facade of being with a stunning woman to cover it up.
Aside from that I think you should go for someone your own age. 10 years is a lot.

Everyone my own age is married! ☹️ also mid forties is hardly knocking on death’s door 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Pigglywink · 09/12/2025 07:40

YellowCherry · 09/12/2025 07:03

You say that you've had really bad experiences with men in the past. I think that some women (this may or may not be true of you) are addicted to the dramatic highs and lows of someone who blows hot and cold. This man is kind and consistent but not hugely sexual. Your sense that something is "off" may be just that he's very different to your previous partners, but that may be a positive thing if those didn't work out well. I would definitely give this guy a chance for a bit longer.

Yeah I think this is very possible. I like that I feel safe and calm around him but it is a little bit disconcerting when you’re not used to it. I find him very attractive though and so the other night was very disappointing. And also just kind of incongruent to how things have been going between us generally. I know it’s entirely possible he just got too in his head about it. I’ve just not experienced that before.

OP posts:
Squishedpassenger · 09/12/2025 07:42

Did you try and take the lead sexually at all? I had an interesting conversation with a friend once and she just thought she had to kind of be there and accept any advances. She thought that was sexy enough every single time.

Original poster
Pigglywink · 09/12/2025 07:46

Squishedpassenger · 09/12/2025 07:42

Did you try and take the lead sexually at all? I had an interesting conversation with a friend once and she just thought she had to kind of be there and accept any advances. She thought that was sexy enough every single time.

Haha no I did, I didn’t just lay there but I also respected the fact I shouldn’t be OTT if it was just going to make him feel awkward it wasn’t working for him.
we had been drinking which probably didn’t help.

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 09/12/2025 07:53

It's early days OP, as others have said he is different to men you have been with in the past and although he likes and fancies you perhaps he is gentler than you are used to and not overly sexual. Even in their mid 40s men can have ED but he could have just been nervous. He himself admitted that this sometimes happens with him early on so why not give him a bit longer, and next time try without alcohol? He definitely sounds keen on you so don't write him off straight away, see what happens.

Original poster
Pigglywink · 09/12/2025 08:01

Seaoftroubles · 09/12/2025 07:53

It's early days OP, as others have said he is different to men you have been with in the past and although he likes and fancies you perhaps he is gentler than you are used to and not overly sexual. Even in their mid 40s men can have ED but he could have just been nervous. He himself admitted that this sometimes happens with him early on so why not give him a bit longer, and next time try without alcohol? He definitely sounds keen on you so don't write him off straight away, see what happens.

Yeah I don’t want to just give up on it because I really like him and it feels calm, and safe and just good.
I think I am just used to it feeling different and my brain is interpreting feeling safe and not threatened sexually by a man (even on a very low level) as he must not be straight 😕 and then add in the other night and the random comments and my brain is just trying to draw some kind of logical conclusion 😂

OP posts:
Mamadothehump · 09/12/2025 08:04

Gay stuff aside - I’m surprised no one has mentioned the hour long snogging session in a bar 🤢

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 09/12/2025 08:04

The poor blokes wife cheated on him and possibly broke his heart, so was probably him over thinking things, build up trust. The comments are bit random but I'd personally either ask him or get to know him. If theirs no spark though I'd consider if I'd want to carry on

Original poster
Pigglywink · 09/12/2025 08:05

Mamadothehump · 09/12/2025 08:04

Gay stuff aside - I’m surprised no one has mentioned the hour long snogging session in a bar 🤢

We were talking as well and it was private, calm down

OP posts: