Something feels off - could he be gay?

[Pigglywink]

Been on 4 very good dates with a genuinely lovely guy. He’s been exemplary in terms of how he’s treated me, organised everything, chosen beautiful restaurants, just been very ‘gentlemanly’ and thoughtful. He makes me feel very safe. He’s been so consistent and intentional.

We kissed for the first time on the first date and he seemed pretty attracted to me. 3rd date we spent like an hour just kissing at a booth at the bar. 4th date was at his place, he cooked me dinner so it was kind of implied this would be a sex date.

After dinner I had to suggest we go upstairs and then we couldn’t actually have sex because he couldn’t get hard. He said it was common for him with new partners and was a mental thing. He did express an interest in making sure I was satisfied but didn’t go down on me. It kind of just felt like that really strong sort of ‘passion’ or desire was missing though, I don’t know if that’s because he couldn’t follow through. I’ve never actually experienced this with a guy before.

Then the next day he told me he had a hair appointment later and just randomly made a comment about his hair stylist seeming really straight but referenced a male partner recently so he was surprised he was actually gay. It seemed an odd thing to randomly mention.
Over breakfast he was talking a lot about gay / lesbian people at his company and how they were actively looking to increase their LGBT hires, again a bit random to mention.
On date 2 we ordered cocktails and his was very pink and I jokingly said just as well he was comfortable with his masculinity / sexuality and he went a bit OTT and said ‘oh I’m VERY comfortable with my sexuality’ and it just seemed a bit of an excessive reaction.

Looks wise I am very feminine, I have long hair, slim but curvy with boobs and a bum. He seems attracted to me in that he will instigate physical affection and kiss me a lot but there just seems to be something ‘missing’ that I’ve had with other men where they just kind of have less… control around me almost. I haven’t felt like I’ve had to ‘fend him off’ or set the pace sexually like I have with other men, although dinner at his on the 4th date was his suggestion. But maybe I am used to men being less respectful!

I am mid thirties he is mid forties, divorced, two kids. His ex-wife was unfaithful. Been around 4 years since they split and has not had any LTRs in that time. From what he has told me it’s all fizzled out around the 3/4th date mark. He got married pretty young. He seems keen to settle down and have more kids.

I honestly don’t know if I am over thinking this but something just feels ‘off’ - the ED thing has really thrown me but it was more he just also didn’t seem wildly turned on even. For context (and not needlessly being big headed!) I am very conventionally attractive and tend to get a lot of attention from men generally. He’s made comments about how much he fancies me. But I don’t know, the other night has thrown me. In every other way it has seemed a little too good to be true because he is so lovely and thoughtful and seems really eager to please me and see me a lot. He doesn’t have any sort of effeminate mannerisms or present in that way at all but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. This is honestly not an ego thing and if I felt like he just didn’t fancy me that would be totally fine, but his consistency in organising dates etc and otherwise pursuing me don’t suggest that, and then I suppose it’s the other things which seem small but have me wondering…

Please be kind as I feel really vulnerable posting this. I hope I am wrong but I can’t shake this feeling and not sure if I am just paranoid because I’ve had such bad experiences with men in the past / if I’m just looking for problems. I really do like him as well. First person I could have actually seen myself having a long term relationship with in ages.

I’ve never encountered the performance anxiety thing before either so not sure how I should handle that, just wait to see if it resolves and maybe I will have my answer. He’s already organising dates 5 and 6 so as I said he seems keen.

I don’t know I guess I just feel flat and a bit disappointed and just like something is wrong 😞

Sorry op he’s not in to you he either has ed or just doesn’t fancy you or is gay either way you need to walk away you have given him time and he’s not making a move that’s not normal also turning away is definitely not normal give up you lost let him be and you and go find someone who wants you. Don’t waste your time and energy you won’t change him.

Time to end it then.

You gave it a chance, but he makes you feel crap every time you see him. Maybe he's gay, maybe it's an erectile dysfunction thing, maybe it's something else, but really it doesn't matter.

What matters is how it's making you feel. It's not your problem to fix, so stop trying. Focus on protecting yourself and dump him.

Maybe he’s bi and is anxious about how tou feel about it. He needs to feel comfortable before proper sex. I disagree that you should just ‘throw him back’ if hes a nice guy.

I don’t think it’s a simple as not being into me. He keeps arranging and paying for very lavish dates, we spent 5 hours just chatting and kissing and cuddling today at the hotel. He is very physically affectionate, but doesn’t seem to want to have sex or is too nervous or whatever it is… he kind of implied he would be more up for it in the morning but then nothing.
He doesn’t make me feel bad intentionally, it’s my reaction to this. I’m attractive, he tells me how much he fancies me. So it’s just confusing. I think I will have to talk to him about it before I get even more emotionally invested. I just don’t understand why he would actively be dating and putting in so much effort if he doesnt want or knows he cant provide a sexual relationship. I’m wondering if it could be low testosterone?

Hey OP.
Ah that’s not good , it shouldn’t be like this .
It’s not going to work , this isn’t going to get better , only worse I’m afraid .
I don’t know if he’s gay or what the issues are , but saying things like it’s his age & he’s not remotely aroused when you are , like come on 🤷🏻‍♀️ .
I hope you see it’s clearly him & not you .
It’s such a balls when you like him , he’s nice & you find him attractive, but it’s just not going to work x

Op you keep making excuses for him. You can’t fix him. Have you asked him if he’s gay or got ed? If your best friend was going through this what would you advise her?

Doe it matter if he's doing it intentionally?

A flame isn't trying to hurt you either, but it does. Most people learn quickly not to touch it. Why do you keep wanting to stick your hand back in there?

Give him time take the pressure off, enjoy his company and let him lead without questioning everything. The get rid of him gang are out in force here.

Stop trying to fix him! He’s not trying to fix himself is he?

You’re signing up for low self esteem if you continue with this. Find someone who makes you feel wanted.

It does sound as if he could be gay but not fully ready to accept the fact himself. It’s the fact that he brings up LGBT every time you meet rather than the ED on its own. I would probably just ask him a few questions, nothing too explicit but ask if he has ever found another man attractive or had any sexual feelings for men. I would find it unusual if I had a boyfriend bringing up LGBT issues on every date….

OP what do you mean by LGBT conversations? What kind of things is he saying in relation to LGBT?

Like he will mention how he didn’t realise these two guys at work were gay and then they bought in their husbands and he was surprised. How it was the first time he had worn a pink shirt and could never have done that growing up in case people
thought he was gay. That he made an effort to go to LGBT events at work to show he was an ally. How he thought it was hard on one colleague’s kids because he came out later in life. How if he had done drama at school he would have been accused of being gay. How he didn’t realise his hairdresser / barber was gay. How he had accidentally ended up in a gay pub with friends and they hadn’t realised… almost like this subconscious preoccupation. As I said, he did grow up in a very conservative environment with a very strict military father and he is naturally quite sensitive so could be an issue with masculinity generally.
But yeah ☹️

he is very accepting of gay people, so not overtly being ‘the other way’ and all homophobic like some closeted men are… but there’s almost this fascination around it

He also naturally had a lot of female friends growing up who ‘saw him like a brother’ which apparently frustrated him because he wanted to go out with them 😅

like he is generally quite a sensitive and lovely guy so I’m wondering if there are more general issues because of his dad as well.

I think this too. I think he needs to take it slowly and I can't imagine how much pressure there is on a bloke to 'perform' with someone new. If you really like him and think this has legs then take the pressure off and see where it goes. Re. The LGBT comments, maybe he has a gay friend or family member and is trying to suss out whether you're homophobic. You could have a conversation with him and see where it leads

Just imagine this was Dadsnet, and a guy said that a woman didn't fancy him, so obviously she's a lesbian ...

It’s not that he doesn’t ‘fancy’ me though, is it? It’s purely a sex thing and coupled with the other things I’ve mentioned which caught my attention.

Also, you can’t pretend there’s not a difference between a man being reluctant or unable to have sex and a woman, namely because of testosterone….

I would lean to this.

Yes, some men in their 40s have trouble getting it up but not generally with women they have just met! This is the stage when you usually can’t keep your hands off each other.

I would be throwing this one back.

Do you not think though when he said “ I’m not remotely aroused when you are “ a bit , I don’t know worrisome?
That’s a fairly odd thing to say 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Hmmm it's not sounding hopeful OP, I have to say. I'm mid 50s and have dated a few similar aged men and there was no problem with desire. I think you should by now be having hot sex tbh. Sounds very frustrating and confidence knocking.

Something's off and you shouldn't be having these concerns this early on. Seems like too much hard work from the beginning.

I know, just sadly it’s so hard to find anyone half decent now who I feel safe with. It’s not hard work at all being with generally. But I could really do with a shag tbh 😂😂

Op you have options go have a one night stand your not in a relationship yet this might make you wake up and smell the coffee.

I don’t think it’s a simple as not being into me. He keeps arranging and paying for very lavish dates, we spent 5 hours just chatting and kissing and cuddling today at the hotel

I think he wants to be with you, possibly wants more kids and might be a decent bloke who likes you so that’s why he arranges lovely dates.

However all that doesn’t mean he is or isn’t gay.

I wonder if he struggled with sex with his wife, to be clear not saying that’s an excuse for her to cheat or it was his fault, but I wonder if that was her reason.

I’m usually the first to jump on posters implying that any man who isn’t humping women’s legs like a dog 24/7 is gay 🙄BUT a few things in your thread ring alarm bells for me as a bi woman with a very flamboyant but straight male partner.

Firstly, my DP has some gloriously camp mannerisms, can dance better than me, likes a colourful cocktail, and often has to ‘out’ himself as straight to gay men. But he doesn’t go on about people thinking he might be gay or keep slipping related topics into conversations - it’s just who he is. The fact that this man keeps bringing it up (pun intended) reminds me of the ‘mentionitis’ that people some have when they’re having an affair - they want and need to keep returning to a specific person/topic.

Secondly, trouble staying hard in and of itself is perfectly normal and happens to every man at some point, BUT you tell if someone is attracted to you in that primal, rip your clothes off way without the presence of an erection (i’ve had no trouble telling if the women i’ve slept with fancied me).

Basically, it sounds like he’s quite reserved about sexual things - and tbh it doesn’t really matter whether that’s because he’s sexually repressed, gay and in the closet, has a lower sex drive, just isn’t that into you, or is secretly living a double life as a spy and doesn’t have the energy for it 😂 If sex is important to you, get out now.

Yeah I’d bin this one OP. It’s a shame as he sounds very attentive in many ways, but he either has ED, is gay, or something else is going on. You don’t want to get into a situation of having to “fix” someone in these early stages.

DH and I are now old married people of many decades and mostly have a cuddle and fall asleep, but for the first few years we pretty much had sex the moment we walked into each others houses from day one. This guy isn’t doing your self esteem or mental health any good. Unless you want a sexless companion/dating thing, which it sounds like you don’t.