Been on 4 very good dates with a genuinely lovely guy. He’s been exemplary in terms of how he’s treated me, organised everything, chosen beautiful restaurants, just been very ‘gentlemanly’ and thoughtful. He makes me feel very safe. He’s been so consistent and intentional.
We kissed for the first time on the first date and he seemed pretty attracted to me. 3rd date we spent like an hour just kissing at a booth at the bar. 4th date was at his place, he cooked me dinner so it was kind of implied this would be a sex date.
After dinner I had to suggest we go upstairs and then we couldn’t actually have sex because he couldn’t get hard. He said it was common for him with new partners and was a mental thing. He did express an interest in making sure I was satisfied but didn’t go down on me. It kind of just felt like that really strong sort of ‘passion’ or desire was missing though, I don’t know if that’s because he couldn’t follow through. I’ve never actually experienced this with a guy before.
Then the next day he told me he had a hair appointment later and just randomly made a comment about his hair stylist seeming really straight but referenced a male partner recently so he was surprised he was actually gay. It seemed an odd thing to randomly mention.
Over breakfast he was talking a lot about gay / lesbian people at his company and how they were actively looking to increase their LGBT hires, again a bit random to mention.
On date 2 we ordered cocktails and his was very pink and I jokingly said just as well he was comfortable with his masculinity / sexuality and he went a bit OTT and said ‘oh I’m VERY comfortable with my sexuality’ and it just seemed a bit of an excessive reaction.
Looks wise I am very feminine, I have long hair, slim but curvy with boobs and a bum. He seems attracted to me in that he will instigate physical affection and kiss me a lot but there just seems to be something ‘missing’ that I’ve had with other men where they just kind of have less… control around me almost. I haven’t felt like I’ve had to ‘fend him off’ or set the pace sexually like I have with other men, although dinner at his on the 4th date was his suggestion. But maybe I am used to men being less respectful!
I am mid thirties he is mid forties, divorced, two kids. His ex-wife was unfaithful. Been around 4 years since they split and has not had any LTRs in that time. From what he has told me it’s all fizzled out around the 3/4th date mark. He got married pretty young. He seems keen to settle down and have more kids.
I honestly don’t know if I am over thinking this but something just feels ‘off’ - the ED thing has really thrown me but it was more he just also didn’t seem wildly turned on even. For context (and not needlessly being big headed!) I am very conventionally attractive and tend to get a lot of attention from men generally. He’s made comments about how much he fancies me. But I don’t know, the other night has thrown me. In every other way it has seemed a little too good to be true because he is so lovely and thoughtful and seems really eager to please me and see me a lot. He doesn’t have any sort of effeminate mannerisms or present in that way at all but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. This is honestly not an ego thing and if I felt like he just didn’t fancy me that would be totally fine, but his consistency in organising dates etc and otherwise pursuing me don’t suggest that, and then I suppose it’s the other things which seem small but have me wondering…
Please be kind as I feel really vulnerable posting this. I hope I am wrong but I can’t shake this feeling and not sure if I am just paranoid because I’ve had such bad experiences with men in the past / if I’m just looking for problems. I really do like him as well. First person I could have actually seen myself having a long term relationship with in ages.
I’ve never encountered the performance anxiety thing before either so not sure how I should handle that, just wait to see if it resolves and maybe I will have my answer. He’s already organising dates 5 and 6 so as I said he seems keen.
I don’t know I guess I just feel flat and a bit disappointed and just like something is wrong 😞