Something feels off - could he be gay?

[Pigglywink]

Been on 4 very good dates with a genuinely lovely guy. He’s been exemplary in terms of how he’s treated me, organised everything, chosen beautiful restaurants, just been very ‘gentlemanly’ and thoughtful. He makes me feel very safe. He’s been so consistent and intentional.

We kissed for the first time on the first date and he seemed pretty attracted to me. 3rd date we spent like an hour just kissing at a booth at the bar. 4th date was at his place, he cooked me dinner so it was kind of implied this would be a sex date.

After dinner I had to suggest we go upstairs and then we couldn’t actually have sex because he couldn’t get hard. He said it was common for him with new partners and was a mental thing. He did express an interest in making sure I was satisfied but didn’t go down on me. It kind of just felt like that really strong sort of ‘passion’ or desire was missing though, I don’t know if that’s because he couldn’t follow through. I’ve never actually experienced this with a guy before.

Then the next day he told me he had a hair appointment later and just randomly made a comment about his hair stylist seeming really straight but referenced a male partner recently so he was surprised he was actually gay. It seemed an odd thing to randomly mention.
Over breakfast he was talking a lot about gay / lesbian people at his company and how they were actively looking to increase their LGBT hires, again a bit random to mention.
On date 2 we ordered cocktails and his was very pink and I jokingly said just as well he was comfortable with his masculinity / sexuality and he went a bit OTT and said ‘oh I’m VERY comfortable with my sexuality’ and it just seemed a bit of an excessive reaction.

Looks wise I am very feminine, I have long hair, slim but curvy with boobs and a bum. He seems attracted to me in that he will instigate physical affection and kiss me a lot but there just seems to be something ‘missing’ that I’ve had with other men where they just kind of have less… control around me almost. I haven’t felt like I’ve had to ‘fend him off’ or set the pace sexually like I have with other men, although dinner at his on the 4th date was his suggestion. But maybe I am used to men being less respectful!

I am mid thirties he is mid forties, divorced, two kids. His ex-wife was unfaithful. Been around 4 years since they split and has not had any LTRs in that time. From what he has told me it’s all fizzled out around the 3/4th date mark. He got married pretty young. He seems keen to settle down and have more kids.

I honestly don’t know if I am over thinking this but something just feels ‘off’ - the ED thing has really thrown me but it was more he just also didn’t seem wildly turned on even. For context (and not needlessly being big headed!) I am very conventionally attractive and tend to get a lot of attention from men generally. He’s made comments about how much he fancies me. But I don’t know, the other night has thrown me. In every other way it has seemed a little too good to be true because he is so lovely and thoughtful and seems really eager to please me and see me a lot. He doesn’t have any sort of effeminate mannerisms or present in that way at all but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. This is honestly not an ego thing and if I felt like he just didn’t fancy me that would be totally fine, but his consistency in organising dates etc and otherwise pursuing me don’t suggest that, and then I suppose it’s the other things which seem small but have me wondering…

Please be kind as I feel really vulnerable posting this. I hope I am wrong but I can’t shake this feeling and not sure if I am just paranoid because I’ve had such bad experiences with men in the past / if I’m just looking for problems. I really do like him as well. First person I could have actually seen myself having a long term relationship with in ages.

I’ve never encountered the performance anxiety thing before either so not sure how I should handle that, just wait to see if it resolves and maybe I will have my answer. He’s already organising dates 5 and 6 so as I said he seems keen.

I don’t know I guess I just feel flat and a bit disappointed and just like something is wrong 😞

His wife was unfaithful, his relationships since then have ended after 3 or 4 dates (when sex would be expected). Not a good sign given how your date went. He may be gay, he may just not be able to have sex, either are possible.
You're not compatible on that level anyway if you don't feel desired. It depends how important it is to you, as to whether you persevere or not. Some people need that passion, some don't.

Ya never know! 😂 dya think you’ll see him again then or what?

or not pop up as the case may be

Hi op I would persevere if you like him that much his ex cheating won’t help his ego take it how he wants then decide after a few more dates. I can’t see why he would waste his time on you if he was gay. He could just be very nervous.

It's four dates in and she is ruminating and freaking out to the point where she is writing agony aunt letters. Of course she should dump him, they're not even in a relationship yet 😆

And four dates in and he can't get it up sounds like a him problem, not something any new girlfriend should have to be taking on, or any of his sexual issues at all. Unless she enjoys rescuing broken men, as she is indicating here.

Tut , don’t mind her 🙄.

Exactly OP , he wouldn’t be arranging more dates .
He clearly does like you & you like him .
So I’d see him again , the more time you guys spend together, the more comfortable ye will be around one another , & hopefully everything will fall into place in the bedroom 🤞.

I know he is only mid 40s but ED is a right balls & it’s from 40s on it can affect men .
I was seeing a guy who had that before & it was pretty bad being honest .
I mean we would be super turned on & I geuinely know he was , we would actually be having sex , & then all of a sudden he would lose his erection
.It happened a lot but he ignored it , like we wouldn’t discuss it .
He wasn’t at all comfortable with talking about it , so that kind of made things worse being honest .
We stopped seeing one another , that factored into it but it wasn’t the reason we finished things .

God, yes, you really do sound awful! 😆😅

I know I shouldn’t be rising to you , but how is he broken ?
That’s a pretty shit thing to say .

I know I won't rise to your performative nonsense.

I do love that you are now attempting the "Confused troll is so confused" routine - kudos for that very abrupt about face and pretence at actually wanting to discuss anything when you didn't get the reaction you so dearly wanted from your deliberate rudeness😅😂

I was actually surprised my post was deleted.
I should have worded differently.
I felt it unfair/ not kind to the first post you put up to OP , that’s all 🤷🏻‍♀️

You were rude on purpose, so I reported your rudeness as your rudeness served no purpose and I don't appreciate those who try to shout others into silence.

And since you were deliberately rude I have no interest in any sort of discussion with you because people who are deliberately rude don't deserve a genuine interaction. That's all 🤷🏻‍♀️

PP , I apologise , I really didn’t mean to come across as rude , geuinely I’m not a rude person .
I would never intentionally shout anyone down ever , I felt you were mean with your choice of words & maybe my own weren’t so clever either 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Nope, telling the truth to a person who has asked for your opinion is not "mean". HTH.

And of course it was deliberate 😅 Bye now 🖐

We will have to agree to disagree 🤷🏻‍♀️
Have a good evening..

You were rude deliberately I reported it, your post was taken down and now you are relentlessly trying to have the last word and derailing the thread

Oh well 🤷🏻‍♀️

Is he just a little insecure/ has performance anxiety? When I first starting dating my husband I asked him outright if he was gay or asexual due to similar issues but it turns out he was just anxious. Obviously we ended up married and he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. Lovely, sensitive, kind, thoughtful husband (and father to our little ones) who doesn’t just think with his penis 😂 I hope that’s the case here too.

Yes I’m hoping that’s the case, and I would far rather that than the other way around. He was married for 20 years and I get the impression would have stayed so had it not been for her cheating. He is very different from everyone else I’ve dated previously.

ED happens. I don't think he's gay. Get Viagra. It's cheap. Make it your idea so he doesn't feel ashamed about it. Read the instructions!

Fifth date, they could have sex with no problems and all of this disappears.

There is thread after thread on here about how no one can find a "decent man" and when someone seemingly does, the advice is to "throw him back".

I have seen countless men who marry, have children who are gay, quite a lot of famous men with the most stunning of women as wives/partners but feel “off” in the heterosexual sense. IMHO, I have a reasonable gaydar, close your eyes and picture him with another woman sexually, can you picture it, if you can’t, you are right to have concerns, a lot of men are not ok about their true sexuality and will bring you along for the “ride “ so to speak for their reputation… only you will really know, trust your gut, he may end up a lovely friend.

my husabnd is 53 and has a full head of thick hair

He’s middle aged, that’s all! There seems to be a big difference in libido between 30s and 40s from what I’ve experienced/heard. Maybe just see how it goes if you like him but keep your options open with some younger men.

My take is this, divorce, cheating has destroyed this man. He has then dated unsucessfully and basically went without sex for a number of years. Now he has met someone he likes and intimacy now terrifies him as he has shut it out for a couple of years. He needs time to be relaxed and confident with a new partner to get back in the swing of things

Also i work in a male dominated enviroment, its amazing how many of them use viagra, especially for new partners. And im not talking solely about 40 year olds, even in there 20s. It gives them better erections and staying power to impress. But it shows the anxiety among men

So saw him again last night for NYE and we stayed at a hotel. Same thing, only this time he said he was naturally more turned on in the morning and just generally didn’t feel like sex so much due to his age… he didn’t try anything in the morning but he also didn’t try to ensure I was satisfied. He knew I was turned on, and I just felt so ashamed and upset. I know that’s silly. But I’ve honestly never encountered this before. Again, he did mention some LGBT stuff, came up in conversation, but it does seem like he has a subconscious preoccupation with it.

I don’t know if it’s because he has weird issues around masculinity, what with the sex thing and he grew up in a very oppressed conservative state.

I’m really upset. I really like him, in every other way he makes me feel so safe and we feel so emotionally close. He kisses me and is affectionate, but it’s been several dates now and just so frustrating. He says he is attracted to me but doesn’t get remotely aroused when I am. He turned away when I was changing at the hotel. It’s affecting my confidence a bit and I feel so flat now I’m home.