Something feels off - could he be gay?

[Pigglywink]

Been on 4 very good dates with a genuinely lovely guy. He’s been exemplary in terms of how he’s treated me, organised everything, chosen beautiful restaurants, just been very ‘gentlemanly’ and thoughtful. He makes me feel very safe. He’s been so consistent and intentional.

We kissed for the first time on the first date and he seemed pretty attracted to me. 3rd date we spent like an hour just kissing at a booth at the bar. 4th date was at his place, he cooked me dinner so it was kind of implied this would be a sex date.

After dinner I had to suggest we go upstairs and then we couldn’t actually have sex because he couldn’t get hard. He said it was common for him with new partners and was a mental thing. He did express an interest in making sure I was satisfied but didn’t go down on me. It kind of just felt like that really strong sort of ‘passion’ or desire was missing though, I don’t know if that’s because he couldn’t follow through. I’ve never actually experienced this with a guy before.

Then the next day he told me he had a hair appointment later and just randomly made a comment about his hair stylist seeming really straight but referenced a male partner recently so he was surprised he was actually gay. It seemed an odd thing to randomly mention.
Over breakfast he was talking a lot about gay / lesbian people at his company and how they were actively looking to increase their LGBT hires, again a bit random to mention.
On date 2 we ordered cocktails and his was very pink and I jokingly said just as well he was comfortable with his masculinity / sexuality and he went a bit OTT and said ‘oh I’m VERY comfortable with my sexuality’ and it just seemed a bit of an excessive reaction.

Looks wise I am very feminine, I have long hair, slim but curvy with boobs and a bum. He seems attracted to me in that he will instigate physical affection and kiss me a lot but there just seems to be something ‘missing’ that I’ve had with other men where they just kind of have less… control around me almost. I haven’t felt like I’ve had to ‘fend him off’ or set the pace sexually like I have with other men, although dinner at his on the 4th date was his suggestion. But maybe I am used to men being less respectful!

I am mid thirties he is mid forties, divorced, two kids. His ex-wife was unfaithful. Been around 4 years since they split and has not had any LTRs in that time. From what he has told me it’s all fizzled out around the 3/4th date mark. He got married pretty young. He seems keen to settle down and have more kids.

I honestly don’t know if I am over thinking this but something just feels ‘off’ - the ED thing has really thrown me but it was more he just also didn’t seem wildly turned on even. For context (and not needlessly being big headed!) I am very conventionally attractive and tend to get a lot of attention from men generally. He’s made comments about how much he fancies me. But I don’t know, the other night has thrown me. In every other way it has seemed a little too good to be true because he is so lovely and thoughtful and seems really eager to please me and see me a lot. He doesn’t have any sort of effeminate mannerisms or present in that way at all but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. This is honestly not an ego thing and if I felt like he just didn’t fancy me that would be totally fine, but his consistency in organising dates etc and otherwise pursuing me don’t suggest that, and then I suppose it’s the other things which seem small but have me wondering…

Please be kind as I feel really vulnerable posting this. I hope I am wrong but I can’t shake this feeling and not sure if I am just paranoid because I’ve had such bad experiences with men in the past / if I’m just looking for problems. I really do like him as well. First person I could have actually seen myself having a long term relationship with in ages.

I’ve never encountered the performance anxiety thing before either so not sure how I should handle that, just wait to see if it resolves and maybe I will have my answer. He’s already organising dates 5 and 6 so as I said he seems keen.

I don’t know I guess I just feel flat and a bit disappointed and just like something is wrong 😞

My DH had performance anxiety our first time. He was 41.
He was nervous because he really liked me.
Only happened the once and we have a brilliant sex life now.

I think he has Ed and he struggles with intimacy and probably tries to avoid it unless he's really into someone I don't think from what you have said he's gay

I’d trust your intuition.

I wonder if you're deliberately trying to harm this potential relationship because this man is unlike others who just used you.

Or you could take the MN advice "his favourite colour is green etc, I'd throw him back".

It would be interesting to see his response if you did ditch him and you said "well you ordered a pink cocktail so I think you're gay and Mumsnet think you're gay too, so there's no point in pursuing this".

Yeah probably. I’m not an anxiously attached person or anything like that, I am generally very level headed about this kind of stuff but something switched this weekend where I kind of decided I could actually see a future with him (and it seemed as though he is similarly invested from what he has told me) and so maybe I am just freaking out.

So yeah I really hope there are no long term sex issues and I guess my brain has jumped to a worst case scenario…

Once again, it was not the drink order. I don’t know how many times I have to say this.

Kissing for an hour in a bar seems a bit OTT to me but I haven’t been in a new relationship in a long time so what do I know .

I'm 42 and I've had it on and off since my 20s.

Pretty much always happened the first time with a new partner, and still crops up sometimes even though I've been with DP 18 years at this point.

Basically it's a sort of self fulfilling prophecy. It happened to me the first time because I'd drunk too much. Saw the same woman again the next week sober, and things are going well until I thought "Thank God that didn't happen again", and of course, it did. And then if you're an over thinker like me it's there, forever more, in the back of your head, ready to pop up at a moments notice.

It does make you a bit reticent about sex, even when you're raring to go, because you've always got this worry at the back of your head of whether your equipment is going to behave. That reticence is probably what you're sensing from him @Pigglywink , rather than him being gay.

I've know a couple of similar situations, one was a porn addict so normal didn't work for him any more and other a fetish transvestite so only himself dressed worked for him neither were gay. Could be many reasons.

Ok thank you. He does seem really quite anxious to please / impress me in general so I appreciate that will easily extend to the bedroom.

what can I do to help / take the pressure off? I want him to know I find him very attractive but I don’t want me making any advances to make things worse or feel pressured.

Somethings can be quite simple. First starters, if he actually really likes you, he probably wants to please you in bed. Reality is, if the blood is in his head (brain going thinking about what he can do to please you) then its not where you both really want it too be. (There's not enough for both, brain uses a lot of blood)

I bet if you both went out, had a few good drinks, and went home together, bit drunk, in need of a snog in bed and sleep, it's probably when everything would run fine.

If he's a anxious and takes tome to settle his nerves, at least you know he won't be running off with any one night stands! (But seriously, is less liable to cheat I'd say and given his history, wouldn't do that).

No and in fairness he said he really doesn’t like dating, and he had liked being married. I really don’t think he is dating to get laid he seems far more intentional about it…
he has been noticeably nervous at times from the first date tbh and seemed to put a lot of pressure on himself even doing the dinner.

he’s so cute 🥹 I really hope this is my brain trying to ruin things for me rather than intuition 😂

Have you read some of the OLD threads? Some nightmare men out there! 😂
This guy sounds quite nice, and for the simple take on it, seems worth a couple more dates at least.
He just sounds a bit camp, met loads of men like that, in the office all that chat of are they gay? But seem to be happy as Larry with female partners.

He’s probably lost his confidence after being cheated on by his wife.

He certainly sounds metrosexual at the very least! May not be gay, though. Depends on your type really.

I went on a date with someone who was pretending to be straight. I could tell straight away, we we continued to go out and I decided I wanted him as a friend and I kept quite about me knowing. He probably still thinks I didn't know lol

I thought my current partner was gay too, but soon found out he wasn't.

I would say, give it a few dates, see if he tries it on, if he doesn't, you can just be friends.

Ok, so first question is does he get an erection at all? I've never had a problem getting one, it just tends to disappear at an inopportune moment, so some of this advice won't be relevant if he struggles to get one at all.

So, for me, the problem is that I suddenly think "Am I losing my erection? I'm not, but then having that thought is the self fulfilling prophecy. The thing is, in the absence of any other external stimulus, men can't actually feel if they've got an erection. If we can't see it, and nothings touching it or gravity isn't acting on it (because we're laying on our backs), then fuck knows. Which leads to my two top tips.

Lights on, covers off - If I can see my erection, then I know I've got an erection, and I'm not worrying about it.

A nice firm grip during foreplay. A loose grip feels nice, but it can make me wonder if it's loose because my erection is failing. So a nice firm grip it is. Trust me, you won't hurt him.

Next, the big trouble spot for me is the transition between foreplay and actual sex. The best chance of it not going wrong is for me to be almost at the point of orgasm before that transition. That way there's no way it's disappearing while putting the condom on and getting into position. And no, it doesn't mean that sex is then going to be over very quickly.

If nothings happening, then a good way to get me going has always been for DP to get on top of me naked and we just make out for a while, her grinding on me. It's low pressure, feels nice for both of us and is likely to wake me up.

Take the pressure off him, let him know that if sex doesn't happen, and the night just involves him getting you off, then that's fine.

On that note, it is possible to make a man cum without him having an erection. Personally, I don't like it, but he might.

And also, for me, morning sex is far more likely to be successful than evening sex. Fuck knows why.

And my last piece of advice is that don't feel you have to do any of this. This isn't your problem to fix, it's his, and if you decide that this is all too much work and you'd rather not bother with him, that's OK. This isn't likely to be something that ever goes away completely, and if you don't want to deal with a "complicated" sex life, I don't blame you and I'm sure he wouldn't either.

Don't wanna go into it now but this is exactly, to the tee how I felt with my partner and it turned out he was a crossdresser.

Thanks for the reply. I can’t say from first hand experience if he does (have not noticed when kissing him etc for example) but he just told me it’s a mental thing not a physical thing and only happens with new partners sometimes due to pressure / nerves, so if he is to be believed then I guess he does.
no indication as to whether or not he struggles to keep it. No joy in the morning either but I guess whilst alcohol physically doesn’t help, it can make you feel less self conscious so that aspect was probably worse in the morning.
i didn’t try to ‘get’ him hard as I sensed he didn’t want me to and felt that would be too much expectation.

if you really like him as a person , give it a couple more dates. But you WILL need to be brave and ask him exactly what’s going on around sex ? Tell him you are interested but he’s going to have to be totally honest about how he sees your love life progressing . Give him an opportunity to open up to you and you to tell him what you need from a partner - and then you can make a joint decision as to whether to carry on . Who knows , he could turn out to be a great platonic friend.

He sounds lovely OP & you’ve mentioned he’s attractive also , you come across as really nice too , & from your description of yourself you sound beautiful ☺️..

You said you felt it’s missing that strong feeling of passion/ desire , I don’t know , I might be wrong but that’s not good .

Also , I know things didn’t work out that night but what then in the morning ??

As you like and get on with him, I would retain this relationship, even if he would turn out to be Gay.
We all need friendships which are not fixated on sex. It is nice to have other friends that are platonic and relaxed.
You can still pursue an active relationship elsewhere.

Hmm the passion desire thing is hard because I would say we are very attracted to each other and very tactile. There was definitely a lot of sexual tension on the third date and then I think on the last one he was more nervous. I guess because sex was on the cards.
and then I don’t know if what I’m confusing for that ‘passion’ is simply men being super focused on having sex whereas I feel like he is genuinely interested in me as a person / for a relationship.

he had the same issue in the morning as stated above.

Ah good old porn and death grip. The mumsnet answer to evetything. Maybe after 4 dates he doesnt actually fancy you, but is a nice guy and doesnt want to let you down by telling you he is not that into you after all.

Why does he keep arranging all the dates then?

I would try not to over-analyse, and simply enjoy what happens. Some men are more prone to performance anxiety at the beginning, and I think that’s fully understandable tbh. Especially if they’ve had difficult relationships previously, or really think they might like you.
My DP had been single for years before we met, he jokes that he’d thought that part of him had gone in to early retirement…we were maybe fortunate in that we were close friends first so he knew I wasn’t just going to dump him, but it did take a few attempts to get fully acclimatised to each other. Years later we’re still incredibly happy in the bedroom, no retirement in sight lol.