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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The behaviour around this man?

105 replies

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 16:33

His history.

*child at 15 with a 24 year old.

At 19 another child with a 27 year old. They got married. Didn't last . Separated when he was 24. He admitted he had messed this up and she was his true love. Due to being young he choose to party and drink and admitted not wanting to be tied down. He remained a good dad after the split.

Another relationship lasting a couple of years followed at 28.

In his early 30s he was with another woman and lasted around 2 years.

Then he was engaged and lived with another woman 18 months around the age of 37

He then had a 3 month thing with a woman but they kept arguing.

He then had a 16 month relationship with a mum of 4 kids. The youngest was a year old. He had limited interest in the other 3 boys who were 12 ish and 11. He got super obsessed with this child and the mum let him be dad to this boy. He got tattoos and they changed the kids surname. Proposed after 8 months. At 16 months she threw him out. She let him keep access.

2 months on we get together, i knew very littls of his past. We had a 6 month dating and then relationship. He would not tell the kids mum about me. I was therefore not posted on fb etc. She kept asking for his help on her weekends and he always said yes. He was obsessed with the child. He told me the mums hygiene was poor and she was an all round selfish wonan who neglected her smallest son, he described that as the reason he was so close go the boy. She forced him to rebuy everything for his flat and made his life hard to keep access. After 3 months she started hanging about under posts on his business page. He still refused to tell her saying she was spiteful and would use the child as a weapon. I eventually told him if he didnt tell her by January id walk away. He went through all the emotions over the next week. Sad. Confused. Felt we kept arguing. He said he needed to be alone but wasnt going back to her. I felt so frustrated thaf i contacted her. The result.

24 hour later profile photos and rekindled. He took her out on our date thix weekend we had planned. He absolutely trashed that woman to death.

I want to ask

What does he comd across to you?
Why does she think shes someone he cant get over? She told him any woman after her was always a rebound. I showed her everything including shots of him saying she smelt and was a terrible person
. She was a complete idiot and would never get him back.. the result was she had her knickers back off in 24 hours and called him the love of her life.

Why am i soneone who deserves this cruelty from him. He lived at my house half the week and we had holidays etc.

Long post. Working on myself anc i know lessons need to be learned. But i need some help making sense of this man who appeared very loving.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 08/12/2025 16:38

Please tell me he doesn't live with you any more and definitely don't let him move in with you.

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 08/12/2025 16:39

Never mind her. There is only one question you need to ask yourself and that is:

Why on earth do you want to have a relationship with this man?

PhuckTrump · 08/12/2025 16:41

🚩🚩🚩

AcademyFootball · 08/12/2025 16:43

Why am i soneone who deserves this cruelty from him. He lived at my house half the week and we had holidays etc.

no one deserves it. Absolutely not. But just walk away- he’s an absolute car crash.

outerspacepotato · 08/12/2025 16:43

Again?

He has kids with multiple women, shit talks about his live in as if he's such a prize, and cheats. Guess what? He's shit talking you to the ex who's not really an ex. You were the OW.

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 16:44

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 08/12/2025 16:39

Never mind her. There is only one question you need to ask yourself and that is:

Why on earth do you want to have a relationship with this man?

You have got to understand for the fidst couple of months it made absolute sense to not tell her. It was early days. I over time asserted my boundaries and it ruined us. We had really lovely times together but now i know what he is capable of. I wanted some opinions on him and where his brain is at regarding this child and the mum, does he actually love her.

OP posts:
dobbylan · 08/12/2025 16:46

I have kids with a woman who once dated a 40 year old when she was 16 and still doesnt find anything wrong with this 18 years later . worst mistake of my life,people like this are damaged in many ways and I would stay clear

why are you or have you wasted you time?

DaisyChain505 · 08/12/2025 16:46

Well he’s an absolute fucking train wreck of a man and you shouldn’t waste another second even thinking about him.

Be glad you’ve been shown his true colours before you go in any deeper with him.

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 08/12/2025 16:47

@Picklepicklespickle Never mind all that. Never mind what he thinks or does, or how he treats her or you, or anyone else for that matter>

Why do you want to be in a relationship with this walking disaster zone? WHY?

dobbylan · 08/12/2025 16:47

Just to say, Why are you bothered you were posted on his facebook just after 6 months?

Sometimes I do have many questions but I also do not want to sound judgemental

Happyduck77 · 08/12/2025 16:47

You don't deserve this. Preserve your peace and walk away. What you deserve is so much more than this. Karma is a b**ch as they say and he will be off again soon to someone else

Arlanymor · 08/12/2025 16:48

He’s a car crash of a man isn’t he? Every single thing you posted is a red flag. Run, don’t walk, away.

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 16:48

I know its easy to call me a stupid woman but at first all was hidden and we were dating properly and we goton great it was only this ex causing issues. But will they likely last? Because if they do i feel so humiliated. 6 months is a long time in terms of daily communication and regular time together. This man was in my home 3 nights a week and driving me to work. Im really hurt. Hed bought me Christmas gifts and had my photo up in his house

OP posts:
YodasHairyButt · 08/12/2025 16:49

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 16:44

You have got to understand for the fidst couple of months it made absolute sense to not tell her. It was early days. I over time asserted my boundaries and it ruined us. We had really lovely times together but now i know what he is capable of. I wanted some opinions on him and where his brain is at regarding this child and the mum, does he actually love her.

My opinion of him is that he’s a bloody nightmare and you should be running for the hills, thankful that you found out now. Lucky escape. He was never who you thought he was.

WildLeader · 08/12/2025 16:51

You asserted your boundaries and still didn’t back yourself to follow through

he was giving you the minimum and you were imagining the maximum

he’s a loser, a total waste of space and he reflects horrendously badly on you. Anyone who knows you would look less favourably on you knowing you were slumming it with him.

raise your bar, bin his numbers and don’t ever think of him again.

you are worth so much more. I’d say you’re worth a million of him but 0 x 1m is still nothing.

penguinsinthecupboard · 08/12/2025 16:51

He didn’t want to tell her about you so he could work on getting her back, when you confronted her he would have said I didn’t tell you because it’s you I love and want to be with not her and I’m only with her because I can’t be with you and so they got back together.
She probably thought if she didn’t get back with him, she’d lose him to you and she didn’t want that.
Amazing how a bit of competition can push you to make a decision.
Oh and all that dirt he said about her.. he said it about you too.

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 16:51

dobbylan · 08/12/2025 16:47

Just to say, Why are you bothered you were posted on his facebook just after 6 months?

Sometimes I do have many questions but I also do not want to sound judgemental

Because i was his so called partner and wed been on some beautiful trips and he had posted their first dates and many other experiences and i wanted a real connection not to be hidden.

OP posts:
RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 08/12/2025 16:51

@Picklepicklespickle Nobody is calling you a stupid woman. We've all fallen for it at one time or another. They are all really lovely and nice to start with. If they weren't, they'd never be able to persuade anyone to go out with them. His behaviour is not your fault. He is totally incapable of forming a normal adult relationship with anyone.

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 16:53

penguinsinthecupboard · 08/12/2025 16:51

He didn’t want to tell her about you so he could work on getting her back, when you confronted her he would have said I didn’t tell you because it’s you I love and want to be with not her and I’m only with her because I can’t be with you and so they got back together.
She probably thought if she didn’t get back with him, she’d lose him to you and she didn’t want that.
Amazing how a bit of competition can push you to make a decision.
Oh and all that dirt he said about her.. he said it about you too.

Edited

So him saying she stank and she loved herself and lived like a pig and had nothing going for her living in a council house with 4 kids all with autism and shed get a shag but nothing else,,,. Were the words of a man in love?

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 08/12/2025 16:54

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 16:48

I know its easy to call me a stupid woman but at first all was hidden and we were dating properly and we goton great it was only this ex causing issues. But will they likely last? Because if they do i feel so humiliated. 6 months is a long time in terms of daily communication and regular time together. This man was in my home 3 nights a week and driving me to work. Im really hurt. Hed bought me Christmas gifts and had my photo up in his house

Why does it matter if they last or not? Either way he’s betrayed you, lied to you and treated you with zero respect. They could sail off into the sunset together or end things tomorrow either way it doesn’t matter.

God knows how much contact he was still having with her during the 6 months you were talking.

He is erratic and quite clearly can’t hold down a proper relationship.

Let this one go, use the situation as what not to settle for in the future and heal yourself.

RescueMeFromThisSilliness · 08/12/2025 16:54

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 16:53

So him saying she stank and she loved herself and lived like a pig and had nothing going for her living in a council house with 4 kids all with autism and shed get a shag but nothing else,,,. Were the words of a man in love?

No, they are not the words of a man in love.

They are the words of a complete and utter bastard of a man. Can't you see that?

DaisyChain505 · 08/12/2025 16:56

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 16:51

Because i was his so called partner and wed been on some beautiful trips and he had posted their first dates and many other experiences and i wanted a real connection not to be hidden.

Because it was probably all part of his childish games to get a reaction out of her by posting your date etc. Once he got that reaction and they were back on talking terms he didn’t post you because he was probably telling her that he wasn’t seeing you anymore.

Beamur · 08/12/2025 16:56

He was saying what he thought you wanted to hear.
This man is a player of women. I'm afraid everything you thought you had was not what it seemed.

Makemineacosmo · 08/12/2025 16:57

I would honestly feel like I'd had a lucky escape from this walking red flag.

penguinsinthecupboard · 08/12/2025 16:59

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 16:53

So him saying she stank and she loved herself and lived like a pig and had nothing going for her living in a council house with 4 kids all with autism and shed get a shag but nothing else,,,. Were the words of a man in love?

He was belittling her because he doesn’t respect woman. ANY woman.

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