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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The behaviour around this man?

105 replies

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 16:33

His history.

*child at 15 with a 24 year old.

At 19 another child with a 27 year old. They got married. Didn't last . Separated when he was 24. He admitted he had messed this up and she was his true love. Due to being young he choose to party and drink and admitted not wanting to be tied down. He remained a good dad after the split.

Another relationship lasting a couple of years followed at 28.

In his early 30s he was with another woman and lasted around 2 years.

Then he was engaged and lived with another woman 18 months around the age of 37

He then had a 3 month thing with a woman but they kept arguing.

He then had a 16 month relationship with a mum of 4 kids. The youngest was a year old. He had limited interest in the other 3 boys who were 12 ish and 11. He got super obsessed with this child and the mum let him be dad to this boy. He got tattoos and they changed the kids surname. Proposed after 8 months. At 16 months she threw him out. She let him keep access.

2 months on we get together, i knew very littls of his past. We had a 6 month dating and then relationship. He would not tell the kids mum about me. I was therefore not posted on fb etc. She kept asking for his help on her weekends and he always said yes. He was obsessed with the child. He told me the mums hygiene was poor and she was an all round selfish wonan who neglected her smallest son, he described that as the reason he was so close go the boy. She forced him to rebuy everything for his flat and made his life hard to keep access. After 3 months she started hanging about under posts on his business page. He still refused to tell her saying she was spiteful and would use the child as a weapon. I eventually told him if he didnt tell her by January id walk away. He went through all the emotions over the next week. Sad. Confused. Felt we kept arguing. He said he needed to be alone but wasnt going back to her. I felt so frustrated thaf i contacted her. The result.

24 hour later profile photos and rekindled. He took her out on our date thix weekend we had planned. He absolutely trashed that woman to death.

I want to ask

What does he comd across to you?
Why does she think shes someone he cant get over? She told him any woman after her was always a rebound. I showed her everything including shots of him saying she smelt and was a terrible person
. She was a complete idiot and would never get him back.. the result was she had her knickers back off in 24 hours and called him the love of her life.

Why am i soneone who deserves this cruelty from him. He lived at my house half the week and we had holidays etc.

Long post. Working on myself anc i know lessons need to be learned. But i need some help making sense of this man who appeared very loving.

OP posts:
Suednymph · 08/12/2025 21:39

You definitely have posted about him before because it is the only time I have ever heard the word 'obsessed' with a small child that is not biologically a mans and he doing everything to see and prioritise that child over all else. I have never heard actually of a man being 'obsessed' with someone elses child in regards to raising it. I wont even say what I know about other men and their 'obsessions' with wanting access to other peoples small kids.

The end result will never change and she has not won. You do not win a loser.
OP I strongly advise you to seek help and establish why you are so insecure that this is the best you want out of life, that he is the best you want out of life. Work on yourself, forget him.

Hollyjollynights · 08/12/2025 22:45

I just feel like his ex holds more value
to who?

because i want to know why she was worthy and i wasnt.
worthy to who? By whose standards? Do you not decide your own worth?

slept with him the night i told her we had been together.
was he not involved in this? Why are you focused on her. She didn’t even know you.

Because i wanted our relationship to be open and real
a real relationship is how you make your relationship real. Talking about it online is not.
in fact I’d go as far as to say the people who talk most about their relationships online are in the most fragile relationships

i knew id be blamed and told i shouldn't be upset
its not that you can’t be upset your relationship is over, it’s that you don’t seem to have realised what a terrible relationship it was and for some reason you’re focused on all the wrong things.

good luck op. You said you made some mistakes and are working on yourself, I hope you can work through this and not give men so much power in your life, and put yourself against other women. That must be exhausting and very difficult.

atamlin · 08/12/2025 23:11

Your mistake was staying in a relationship with a man who spoke so negatively about his ex. Probably all lies. Learn from this.

MeTooOverHere · 09/12/2025 02:12

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 16:44

You have got to understand for the fidst couple of months it made absolute sense to not tell her. It was early days. I over time asserted my boundaries and it ruined us. We had really lovely times together but now i know what he is capable of. I wanted some opinions on him and where his brain is at regarding this child and the mum, does he actually love her.

His brain is addled. Has been all along. That's some history he's got there, the latest woman (and you) are just the most recent victims.
Who knows why he is like it? Chemical imbalance caused by something in utero or early childhood. Comes from a f^cked up family and knows no better. Early, heavy drug use.
It doesn't matter. He is never going to treat you better, so cut your losses now.

notatinydancer · 09/12/2025 09:41

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 17:19

If matters just now because i want to know why she was worthy and i wasnt.

Worthy of what ? Being with a lying ,cheating loser ?

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