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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The behaviour around this man?

105 replies

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 16:33

His history.

*child at 15 with a 24 year old.

At 19 another child with a 27 year old. They got married. Didn't last . Separated when he was 24. He admitted he had messed this up and she was his true love. Due to being young he choose to party and drink and admitted not wanting to be tied down. He remained a good dad after the split.

Another relationship lasting a couple of years followed at 28.

In his early 30s he was with another woman and lasted around 2 years.

Then he was engaged and lived with another woman 18 months around the age of 37

He then had a 3 month thing with a woman but they kept arguing.

He then had a 16 month relationship with a mum of 4 kids. The youngest was a year old. He had limited interest in the other 3 boys who were 12 ish and 11. He got super obsessed with this child and the mum let him be dad to this boy. He got tattoos and they changed the kids surname. Proposed after 8 months. At 16 months she threw him out. She let him keep access.

2 months on we get together, i knew very littls of his past. We had a 6 month dating and then relationship. He would not tell the kids mum about me. I was therefore not posted on fb etc. She kept asking for his help on her weekends and he always said yes. He was obsessed with the child. He told me the mums hygiene was poor and she was an all round selfish wonan who neglected her smallest son, he described that as the reason he was so close go the boy. She forced him to rebuy everything for his flat and made his life hard to keep access. After 3 months she started hanging about under posts on his business page. He still refused to tell her saying she was spiteful and would use the child as a weapon. I eventually told him if he didnt tell her by January id walk away. He went through all the emotions over the next week. Sad. Confused. Felt we kept arguing. He said he needed to be alone but wasnt going back to her. I felt so frustrated thaf i contacted her. The result.

24 hour later profile photos and rekindled. He took her out on our date thix weekend we had planned. He absolutely trashed that woman to death.

I want to ask

What does he comd across to you?
Why does she think shes someone he cant get over? She told him any woman after her was always a rebound. I showed her everything including shots of him saying she smelt and was a terrible person
. She was a complete idiot and would never get him back.. the result was she had her knickers back off in 24 hours and called him the love of her life.

Why am i soneone who deserves this cruelty from him. He lived at my house half the week and we had holidays etc.

Long post. Working on myself anc i know lessons need to be learned. But i need some help making sense of this man who appeared very loving.

OP posts:
Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 17:00

DaisyChain505 · 08/12/2025 16:54

Why does it matter if they last or not? Either way he’s betrayed you, lied to you and treated you with zero respect. They could sail off into the sunset together or end things tomorrow either way it doesn’t matter.

God knows how much contact he was still having with her during the 6 months you were talking.

He is erratic and quite clearly can’t hold down a proper relationship.

Let this one go, use the situation as what not to settle for in the future and heal yourself.

Because i never asked to be played and i cant handle the level of disgusting comments he made about her and got away with the lot. She thinks km jealous and hd onky said if threw anger.

I journalled a 2 hour conversation we had about her where he destoyed her entire being and begged me to trust him that hed never ever go nesf her again because he was unhappy. She even admitted theyd been unhappy the last few months! Why want him back when hes restarted his entire life from scratch again because you got rid ?

OP posts:
Hollyjollynights · 08/12/2025 17:01

Goodness me, he seems completely unstable and emotionally immature, probably in part due to the abuse he’s suffered and his difficult teen life.

but tbh it doesn’t seem like you are managing this sensibly either. even now it doesn’t seem like you’re looking at the actual issues. You’re focused on if they stay together and what that means for you, instead of focusing on why this is a man you accepted into your life. You didn’t need to know all the other stuff to know this man was a red flag. Any man calling his ex all sorts of names is a massive red flag. You also got involved in a situation where there was a child who according to him was being neglected, just because you wanted this random woman to know about you. Worrying about being posted to someone’s Facebook just isn’t something that should cross your mind in an adult relationship afaic.

It literally doesn’t matter if he really loves her or not, you should be thankful this drama is out of your life and even if they broke up you absolutely should never ever ever get back with him. Why are you focusing on what he ‘really’ thought about her.

TheDevilFindsWorkForIdleMums · 08/12/2025 17:03

Sounds like he has issues with women and relationships after being groomed as a young boy. 🫡

ChristmasinBrighton · 08/12/2025 17:03

Stop wasting your time thinking about these revolting people and focus on what is lacking in your own self esteem to make you consider this man a suitable partner.

TwinklyWrinkly · 08/12/2025 17:04

I can pretty much guarantee that all the awful stuff he said to you about her, he is now saying to her about you. Forget about him and work on your self esteem for a while, you are worth so much more than that.

Changingnames2002 · 08/12/2025 17:05

You say ‘i know very little about his past’ but to me you know enough. Run for the hills 🚩

PoppySaidYesIKnow · 08/12/2025 17:05

You’re overthinking everything, in a nutshell he’s an absolute knob. Talk about baggage, there’s more there than on the carousel of a jumbo jet landing at Heathrow. Work on your self esteem, you deserve better.

Toooldtopretend · 08/12/2025 17:08

What exactly do you think he has going for him? Kindly, you need to work on your self worth instead of wasting your time

Glowingup · 08/12/2025 17:09

He sounds like the biggest red flag imaginable and I wouldn’t want anything to do with him or his Jeremy Kyle-esque life. I would say he’s done you a big favour by going back to his ex and hopefully you didn’t introduce him to your kids or anything like that and can now move on and let the two of them crack on with it.

noidea69 · 08/12/2025 17:10

I mean he was sexually abused (raped) as a child, and has clearly had a impact on him.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 08/12/2025 17:11

There are very few men that I've read about on here who are less of a catch than this dreadful man.

Have some self-respect and forget him. Block him. Get yourself some therapy to work out why you're even bothered about what he's said and done.

He'll be talking shit about you to his ex by now. I'm sorry. Be glad that you've managed to get rid of him.

ChamonixMountainBum · 08/12/2025 17:13

You should.....

The behaviour around this man?
CryptoFascist · 08/12/2025 17:14

why why why why
It doesn't matter why he does anything.
Stop trying to understand him. He is toxic and abusive and manipulative.
Do the Freedom Programme and work on your own self.

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 17:16

I just feel like his ex holds more value and i was good to him. I gave him some of my sons stuff fod the child as he was trying to buy everything. I did nothing wrong. His last message haunts me. I never replied.

OP posts:
Daygloboo · 08/12/2025 17:17

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 16:33

His history.

*child at 15 with a 24 year old.

At 19 another child with a 27 year old. They got married. Didn't last . Separated when he was 24. He admitted he had messed this up and she was his true love. Due to being young he choose to party and drink and admitted not wanting to be tied down. He remained a good dad after the split.

Another relationship lasting a couple of years followed at 28.

In his early 30s he was with another woman and lasted around 2 years.

Then he was engaged and lived with another woman 18 months around the age of 37

He then had a 3 month thing with a woman but they kept arguing.

He then had a 16 month relationship with a mum of 4 kids. The youngest was a year old. He had limited interest in the other 3 boys who were 12 ish and 11. He got super obsessed with this child and the mum let him be dad to this boy. He got tattoos and they changed the kids surname. Proposed after 8 months. At 16 months she threw him out. She let him keep access.

2 months on we get together, i knew very littls of his past. We had a 6 month dating and then relationship. He would not tell the kids mum about me. I was therefore not posted on fb etc. She kept asking for his help on her weekends and he always said yes. He was obsessed with the child. He told me the mums hygiene was poor and she was an all round selfish wonan who neglected her smallest son, he described that as the reason he was so close go the boy. She forced him to rebuy everything for his flat and made his life hard to keep access. After 3 months she started hanging about under posts on his business page. He still refused to tell her saying she was spiteful and would use the child as a weapon. I eventually told him if he didnt tell her by January id walk away. He went through all the emotions over the next week. Sad. Confused. Felt we kept arguing. He said he needed to be alone but wasnt going back to her. I felt so frustrated thaf i contacted her. The result.

24 hour later profile photos and rekindled. He took her out on our date thix weekend we had planned. He absolutely trashed that woman to death.

I want to ask

What does he comd across to you?
Why does she think shes someone he cant get over? She told him any woman after her was always a rebound. I showed her everything including shots of him saying she smelt and was a terrible person
. She was a complete idiot and would never get him back.. the result was she had her knickers back off in 24 hours and called him the love of her life.

Why am i soneone who deserves this cruelty from him. He lived at my house half the week and we had holidays etc.

Long post. Working on myself anc i know lessons need to be learned. But i need some help making sense of this man who appeared very loving.

Does he have a drink problem?

Glowingup · 08/12/2025 17:18

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 17:16

I just feel like his ex holds more value and i was good to him. I gave him some of my sons stuff fod the child as he was trying to buy everything. I did nothing wrong. His last message haunts me. I never replied.

Edited

You really need more self respect. He sounds like one of life’s idiots and not the sort of person you’d want in your life at all. Who cares if he prefers his apparently equally vile ex?

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 08/12/2025 17:18

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 17:16

I just feel like his ex holds more value and i was good to him. I gave him some of my sons stuff fod the child as he was trying to buy everything. I did nothing wrong. His last message haunts me. I never replied.

Edited

What. Does. It. Matter.

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 17:19

If matters just now because i want to know why she was worthy and i wasnt.

OP posts:
MushMonster · 08/12/2025 17:19

She has not done anything wrong to you. He has. It does not look like you are getting this at all.
It is him. He is not your boo. He has been playing you all along. Chuck him out and cut all contact.
For whatever reason you were so nasty to this woman, who has done absolutely nothing to you! You need to work on that, for sure.

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 17:21

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 08/12/2025 17:18

What. Does. It. Matter.

It just does. He made me feel shit and humiliated and he protected her and publiclg gavd her what i was denied

OP posts:
Glowingup · 08/12/2025 17:21

Because he is an idiot. I mean toothless Kev from my local pub who hasn’t showered in a month might say he prefers some random woman to me. Makes fuck all difference to me as I don’t want someone like that in my life. It says nothing about anyone’s worthiness, just that this one really crap man prefers his ex.

Titasaducksarse · 08/12/2025 17:24

He was 15 and had a child with a 24 year old?
So he was groomed and exploited as a minor with apparently no strong parenting himself.
No wonder he has lurched from train
Wreck relationship to another.

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 17:24

MushMonster · 08/12/2025 17:19

She has not done anything wrong to you. He has. It does not look like you are getting this at all.
It is him. He is not your boo. He has been playing you all along. Chuck him out and cut all contact.
For whatever reason you were so nasty to this woman, who has done absolutely nothing to you! You need to work on that, for sure.

Shd threw him out and abused him for 3 months then started flirting with my boyfriend and then slept with him the night i told her we had been together. She then boasted online.

I am struggling and not sleeping thats why i came here but i knew id be blamed and told i shouldn't be upset

OP posts:
FoxLoxInSox · 08/12/2025 17:24

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 17:21

It just does. He made me feel shit and humiliated and he protected her and publiclg gavd her what i was denied

Why are you hell-bent on why you were ‘denied’ being featured on his Facebook page, and comparing yourself to her? These were DIFFERENT relationships. Between different people. At different times.

Life isn’t a competition.

Picklepicklespickle · 08/12/2025 17:25

FoxLoxInSox · 08/12/2025 17:24

Why are you hell-bent on why you were ‘denied’ being featured on his Facebook page, and comparing yourself to her? These were DIFFERENT relationships. Between different people. At different times.

Life isn’t a competition.

Because i wanted our relationship to be open and real

OP posts: