AIBU or correct to feel upset

[Happyduck77]

Hi, I've been in a relationship with a guy for a year soon. I really like him but we often only see each other once a fortnight due to our kids. I've not been in a rush to tell my kids about him. When were together, things are great but we've never really spoken about the future etc. He has become less communicative lately - partly understandable due to family ill health. However, he will tell.me he is busy, without actually saying what he's doing. He has only ever given me a handful of compliments in a year. We haven't said the L word - I wanted to but something has kept stopping me. I've only met one of his friends and his child once. He never suggests any dates - it normally revolves around going to each others homes, having a drink and a meal. I was initiating other stuff but pulled back to see if he took the lead. Ive suggested a couple.of meet ups with my kids but these were turned down. Whilst I'm not in a rush to progress, I do need some hope of a future. When I asked before, he just said he can't see the future. Anyway, I've just asked him via message if he wants to keep seeing each other, of he is happy with things and that I just want to know where I stand. I feel so guilty doing this due to a family bereavement but I am hurting so bad and really need the clarity. He hasn't responded in 48hours so I've just been left hanging. I'm not good at asking for my needs to be met and feel bad for my timing but is it too much to ask after a year, just to get some clarity?

If your boyfriend who you really liked and wanted to be with sent you a message like that, you'd respond immediately, right? It's not the type of thing to just ignore.

Silence tells you all you need to know.

Correct, that's exactly what I have been thinking. Albeit he is grieving so that might have an influence. However I wouldn't leave him hanging that long

I've only met one of his friends and his child once.

and he hasn’t met yours at all (good on you for not rushing)

he sounds like he compartmentalises, which is precisely what I would do in his shoes.

I do need some hope of a future. When I asked before, he just said he can't see the future.

he has been been absolutely upfront with you

this is a pleasant way to spend the odd weekend. Nothing more

Yeah, he seems very disengaged and being bereaved isn't really an excuse to ignore that type of thing. I guess he is either too upset or too cowardly to respond with 'actually I think I'm not able to dedicate enough time to a relationship at the moment, so it's only fair we part ways'.

It’s not clear who had a bereavement and when. But it sounds like you and this guy are just after different things. You’re not wrong to want what you want. But it really doesn’t look like you will get what you want from him.

Thanks for your response. I think I've ended up in a situationship type thing without realising it. I always seem to think the relationship is more than the guy does. Need to learn from this one

He was very very clear with you from the outset and has never mis led you

this is a pleasant eow weekend get together. The end.

Thanks, you're correct. It's a tough one to realise. It's his bereavement and I feel so guilty for asking him.where I stand when he has enough on his plate but I can't go on being treated so poorly. I've been very supportive as I always would be but just left hanging

Honestly it sounds like you’re his FWB rather than someone he sees as a partner in any way shape or form.

I think he’s been quite clear he’s not looking for more right now so it’s whether you want to continue knowing it’s a distraction, nothing g more

Thanks, I was happy with it like that for a while too. Then I guess I hoped things would progress and I am not able to just have the every other weekend thing. I've caught feelings now and looking for more

Bet you’re glad now he never took you up on your offer for getting the kids all together!

He has no intention of taking this relationship any further.

There is no future here. You don't go out, he doesn't want to meet your kids, you haven't been introduced to his friends, he says he doesn't see the future, no I love you, you only see each other every two weeks. He comes over, eats your food, drinks your booze and has sex with you or vice versa. FWB at best. Just stop seeing him.

If he's just had a bereavement, asking if he's happy and and where things aka we need to have the relationship talk could have waited. That was bad timing to center yourself right now.

Thanks. Inhad picked out a Xmas present for him and that's when the penny started to drop that its not that type of relationship and that it probably wouldn't go down well. Can't believe I've been so daft

Thanks, yes I know it was awful timing but it's done now and I can't change it. I've otherwise never asked and been very supportive of him. I feel very guilty for doing it now, but at the same time, I would not leave him hanging of the shoe was on the other foot. We all make mistakes

Yeah, it happens, sounds like anxiety. But you motive was to see where you stand and I get that. No reason to continue this when it's not the kind of relationship you are looking for.

Time for a new start for the new year. Check out the burn the haystack method down. It seems pretty helpful at clarifying what you want from a relationship and how to basically screen men who don't want the same so you're not wasting your time and hurting yourself.

Well it sounds like you’re dating my ex! He was exactly the same in the last 6 months together. He’d checked out but like many men wouldn’t end it as that would cause too much drama and he would end up being ‘the bad guy’. So he kept me out of his life and only saw me when I’d cook for him at home.

Minimal effort and his needs were being met. He’d regularly ghosted me as well.

Sounds like the ghosting is your answer. if he was interested you’d know and he can’t even be bothered to reply and say he wants this to continue. Don’t chase him, let this one go and find someone who treats you better.

Thanks for your response. It's horrible isn't it. If only they'd just be up front. I wish you well with a new partner too

Regardless of his bereavement, it doesn't sound as if he's been putting much effort/enthusiasm into the relationship for the entire year you've been seeing him, really. I think you'd be right to get rid of him. You could definitely do better than this.

PPs are probably right. He probably didn’t want more from the relationship. There was nothing stopping him from making more of it.

But are you really surprised he hasn’t got back to you? You’ve never asked before, not in the entire year and now he’s bereaved it just couldn’t wait. Silence might be the politest way of answering.

I know I feel awful I sent it. Would an apology be appropriate? I don't know what to do. I was not blunt in my message I acknowledged he had a lot going on and that there was no pressure. I'm only human and my anxiety got the better of me. Otherwise I've been very supportive to him, as it should be

I think so much depends on the bereavement and you’ve not shared details of that. If his mother died last week, then I think you were very unreasonable to have sent the message you did and expect a quick reply. But of it was great uncle Norman who died three weeks ago, then I don’t think there’s any reason for him not to have responded by now.

I can understand being hurt that he isn't as in to you as you'd like. But I don't understand why you're acting confused about it - he's been overt in saying he doesn't see a future and that he turns down invitations to get together with the children.

He's told you through words and deeds that this is a casual thing in his eyes. If that isn't what you want, you owe it to yourself and your self respect to walk away.

It was a parent, a couple.of weeks prior. I saw him the day I sent the msg tho and things were OK. I do know I've done something terrible and feel so, so bad. I don't know how to fix it, or even if I can