Page 5 | AIBU or correct to feel upset

Happyduck77 · 2025-12-08T14:06:01+00:00

Hi, I've been in a relationship with a guy for a year soon. I really like him but we often only see each other once a fortnight due to our kids. I've not been in a rush to tell my kids about him. When were together, things are great but we've never really spoken about the future etc. He has become less communicative lately - partly understandable due to family ill health. However, he will tell.me he is busy, without actually saying what he's doing. He has only ever given me a handful of compliments in a year. We haven't said the L word - I wanted to but something has kept stopping me. I've only met one of his friends and his child once. He never suggests any dates - it normally revolves around going to each others homes, having a drink and a meal. I was initiating other stuff but pulled back to see if he took the lead. Ive suggested a couple.of meet ups with my kids but these were turned down. Whilst I'm not in a rush to progress, I do need some hope of a future. When I asked before, he just said he can't see the future. Anyway, I've just asked him via message if he wants to keep seeing each other, of he is happy with things and that I just want to know where I stand. I feel so guilty doing this due to a family bereavement but I am hurting so bad and really need the clarity. He hasn't responded in 48hours so I've just been left hanging. I'm not good at asking for my needs to be met and feel bad for my timing but is it too much to ask after a year, just to get some clarity?

Original poster

Happyduck77 · 11/12/2025 19:17

Dallas1989 · 11/12/2025 18:56

Has he still not replied? If he hasn't then I am sorry to say that he is probably happy you sent that message because it saves him from delivering the hurtful news so his silence is basically him agreeing with your suggestion. I am really sorry

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He has replied thanks. But I think it's been enough for me to realise its not for me

OP posts:

Jojo890000 · 12/12/2025 01:20

Happyduck77 · 11/12/2025 19:17

He has replied thanks. But I think it's been enough for me to realise its not for me

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What did he say? If you don't mind me asking

Original poster

Happyduck77 · 12/12/2025 07:36

Jojo890000 · 12/12/2025 01:20

What did he say? If you don't mind me asking

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That he was fine and that he just had a lot going on at the moment. Code for leave me alone and its over I would think as no reassurance involved 😕

OP posts:

4crackers · 12/12/2025 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Happyduck77 · 12/12/2025 09:41

I am not suggesting he has done anything wrong but after a year, I just wanted to check in with where I stood and see if anything had changed. My timing was rubbish but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask

OP posts:

Jojo890000 · 12/12/2025 11:29

Happyduck77 · 12/12/2025 07:36

That he was fine and that he just had a lot going on at the moment. Code for leave me alone and its over I would think as no reassurance involved 😕

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I am sorry. I know what it's like to have insensitive boyfriends like that. At least this clears the path for you to find someone you deserve, I know me saying this isn't very comforting now because you're hurt (like i was multiple times) but each time gave me strength and time is a great healer. Mark my words. If ever you want to have a rant about it we are all here 🙂

Jojo890000 · 12/12/2025 11:37

Happyduck77 · 12/12/2025 07:36

That he was fine and that he just had a lot going on at the moment. Code for leave me alone and its over I would think as no reassurance involved 😕

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And another thing would you rather this happened now or 4 years down the line? I was stupid to give 4 years to a man like this but I binned him because he said he didn't want kids and he looked at other women and at their bosoms because he was boob obsessed, and i went on to have 5 kids, all to the same man who i have been with for over 11 years now and we are still going strong, we have had our fair share of issues in that time but i have my amazing kids. You deserve a little family and you will go onto achieve this, just let yourself heal for now then get back out there

Original poster

Happyduck77 · 12/12/2025 11:51

Jojo890000 · 12/12/2025 11:37

And another thing would you rather this happened now or 4 years down the line? I was stupid to give 4 years to a man like this but I binned him because he said he didn't want kids and he looked at other women and at their bosoms because he was boob obsessed, and i went on to have 5 kids, all to the same man who i have been with for over 11 years now and we are still going strong, we have had our fair share of issues in that time but i have my amazing kids. You deserve a little family and you will go onto achieve this, just let yourself heal for now then get back out there

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Thank you. I love hearing about happy outcomes. I genuinely don't ask for much, just a little bit of commitment and feeling like I don't have to keep things a secret. I stupidly thought he might want that too in time and was in no rush but sadly life had other ideas. I hope to be lucky in love one day

OP posts:

MarginWalker · 12/12/2025 12:10

Didn’t rtft but op hope you’re not apologizing. You’ve made yourself small enough. His family situation made you make yourself way smaller even more, an excuse to accept being totally not prioritized. Now that you cottoned on just look after yourself and start emotionally moving on. Apologizing won’t benefit you.

Squidgybroc · 12/12/2025 14:53

I highly rate him for being honest with you about not seeing a future and not introducing you once to his children.

Original poster

Happyduck77 · 12/12/2025 15:21

MarginWalker · 12/12/2025 12:10

Didn’t rtft but op hope you’re not apologizing. You’ve made yourself small enough. His family situation made you make yourself way smaller even more, an excuse to accept being totally not prioritized. Now that you cottoned on just look after yourself and start emotionally moving on. Apologizing won’t benefit you.

Thanks for your kind words. I know I'm terrible at feeling bad if I think ive upset someone - even though I'm upset myself. I just wanted it to be more. Now I feel like I've ruined what was there. I need to start thinking about myself and being somewhere that I'm loved equally

OP posts:

Original poster

Happyduck77 · 12/12/2025 15:22

Squidgybroc · 12/12/2025 14:53

I highly rate him for being honest with you about not seeing a future and not introducing you once to his children.

I did meet his child. He didn't meet mine. At the start all he said was he couldn't see the future, not a future.

OP posts:

Lizzbear · 12/12/2025 15:30

Happyduck
Please don’t be hard on yourself.
you haven’t done anything bad. I suffer from terrible anxiety in relationships, and I can absolutely see why you felt like you needed reassurance.
Probably not the best timing but, you really don’t need to feet awful. Like you said, leave it for a while then maybe send a neutral message, asking how he’s doing x

Original poster

Happyduck77 · 12/12/2025 16:39

Lizzbear · 12/12/2025 15:30

Happyduck
Please don’t be hard on yourself.
you haven’t done anything bad. I suffer from terrible anxiety in relationships, and I can absolutely see why you felt like you needed reassurance.
Probably not the best timing but, you really don’t need to feet awful. Like you said, leave it for a while then maybe send a neutral message, asking how he’s doing x

Thank you, its good advice. I've really been quite happy but just got anxious recently from watching friends meet partners, declare love, go on holiday, meet family etc. and we had none of that progression and it started to get to me a bit

OP posts:

Rancidaluminium · 12/12/2025 18:33

In a year you only met one of his friends? You met his child once? (What did you do?)

when you used to get together EOW… what did you used to do? Presumably there wasn’t ever any talk of going on holiday together? What did he do for your birthday for example?

Original poster

Happyduck77 · 12/12/2025 18:39

Rancidaluminium · 12/12/2025 18:33

In a year you only met one of his friends? You met his child once? (What did you do?)

when you used to get together EOW… what did you used to do? Presumably there wasn’t ever any talk of going on holiday together? What did he do for your birthday for example?

We went out for meals, got takeaway, cooked, had a drink, went some other places. I told him quite late about my birthday, he took me out for tea but no card or other pressie. Went on one weekend away. No other talk of holidays, but would've been difficult with childcare responsibilities we both had. Be honest, Is this bad and bare minimum? Other people seem to do a lot more. I'm not a material person. I had minimal thought for me during my marriage so don't know what to expect

OP posts:

Fridgemicro · 13/12/2025 06:35

Happyduck77 · 12/12/2025 18:39

We went out for meals, got takeaway, cooked, had a drink, went some other places. I told him quite late about my birthday, he took me out for tea but no card or other pressie. Went on one weekend away. No other talk of holidays, but would've been difficult with childcare responsibilities we both had. Be honest, Is this bad and bare minimum? Other people seem to do a lot more. I'm not a material person. I had minimal thought for me during my marriage so don't know what to expect

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It just sounds like a relaxed, casual relationship to me. No strong feelings. Nothing serious. Nice company on child free weekends.

However, zero intention of progressing, doesn’t want to spend time or money on holidays, doesn’t want to make plans and doesn’t want to involve with the important people in life.

He was clear this was the setup. Unfortunately you seemed to have developed strong feelings for him. Neither party did anything wrong (aside from the ill thought out message from you, but not a serious “wrong” by any stretch of the imagination!).

You seem to pin a great deal against having a man equating to being happy. Maybe see 2026 as being the year you just enjoy being… you

Original poster

Happyduck77 · 13/12/2025 08:06

Fridgemicro · 13/12/2025 06:35

It just sounds like a relaxed, casual relationship to me. No strong feelings. Nothing serious. Nice company on child free weekends.

However, zero intention of progressing, doesn’t want to spend time or money on holidays, doesn’t want to make plans and doesn’t want to involve with the important people in life.

He was clear this was the setup. Unfortunately you seemed to have developed strong feelings for him. Neither party did anything wrong (aside from the ill thought out message from you, but not a serious “wrong” by any stretch of the imagination!).

You seem to pin a great deal against having a man equating to being happy. Maybe see 2026 as being the year you just enjoy being… you

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Thanks for your response. I disagree that he was totally clear from the beginning. It blows my mind that people can be so close and intimate and not develop feelings for someone. I must be built differently and at least I know that type of thing is not for me. I've pretty much always done life on my own, so have lots of stuff I can do to be happy. I may just have a longing to share life with someone though and have someone there that always has my back - that's all. It didn't happen in my marriage

OP posts:

Atorwave · 13/12/2025 12:01

Happyduck77 · 13/12/2025 08:06

Thanks for your response. I disagree that he was totally clear from the beginning. It blows my mind that people can be so close and intimate and not develop feelings for someone. I must be built differently and at least I know that type of thing is not for me. I've pretty much always done life on my own, so have lots of stuff I can do to be happy. I may just have a longing to share life with someone though and have someone there that always has my back - that's all. It didn't happen in my marriage

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But you asked if he saw a future and he said no.

Surely that is being clear?

Atorwave · 13/12/2025 12:03

He has only ever given me a handful of compliments in a year. We haven't said the L word - I wanted to but something has kept stopping me. I've only met one of his friends and his child once. He never suggests any dates - it normally revolves around going to each others homes, having a drink and a meal.

He was clear

You just chose to hope that he would change his mind

bluescreens · 13/12/2025 12:28

Always amazed when I read threads like this and the people who turn up just to kick the OP. Nasty stuff. So sorry you had to read some of that!

I think you’ve had some good advice too and it sounds as though you’re also realising that the relationship is not what you thought it was. If you’re in a good, healthy relationship, you’ll work as a team. Even if there’s a bereavement, you tend to lean into your partner rather than freeze them out. Although you’ve been taking it slow (which is wise), sounds like he’s just put you in a nice little box but has no intention of bringing you into his family and friendship circle. Do they know you exist? It’s ok to not be ready to introduce you but if he was genuinely excited about this, he’d definitely not be keeping you a secret.

It really hurts when you discover the relationship is not what you thought it was but you will be ok! Think about exploring the freedom programme and in time, you’ll really be able to see this for what it was. It is a good learning experience but if it were me, I’d just let it fizzle out now. Personally, I wouldn’t even send a message on the day of the funeral - not because you’re unkind but because he’s saying (through his actions) that he has no interest in making any more of this. And so you’re gracefully bowing out and leaving it there.

I hope you’re able to find peace.

Original poster

Happyduck77 · 13/12/2025 12:40

bluescreens · 13/12/2025 12:28

Always amazed when I read threads like this and the people who turn up just to kick the OP. Nasty stuff. So sorry you had to read some of that!

I think you’ve had some good advice too and it sounds as though you’re also realising that the relationship is not what you thought it was. If you’re in a good, healthy relationship, you’ll work as a team. Even if there’s a bereavement, you tend to lean into your partner rather than freeze them out. Although you’ve been taking it slow (which is wise), sounds like he’s just put you in a nice little box but has no intention of bringing you into his family and friendship circle. Do they know you exist? It’s ok to not be ready to introduce you but if he was genuinely excited about this, he’d definitely not be keeping you a secret.

It really hurts when you discover the relationship is not what you thought it was but you will be ok! Think about exploring the freedom programme and in time, you’ll really be able to see this for what it was. It is a good learning experience but if it were me, I’d just let it fizzle out now. Personally, I wouldn’t even send a message on the day of the funeral - not because you’re unkind but because he’s saying (through his actions) that he has no interest in making any more of this. And so you’re gracefully bowing out and leaving it there.

I hope you’re able to find peace.

Thanks so much. I'm really struggling just now at the way it ended and lack of proper clarity- he was aware of everything I'm going through with my divorce and how horrible things have been and yet he still chose to leave badly. Really shocked at him for this as we'd discussed being treated badly so many times. If there was nothing else going on in my life it would've been easier to just deal with it and find peace but I've been dealing with crap for a good few years now and it's just too much for me to handle. I've spoken to the samaratins the other day and will call again if things get really bad. I just need a break in life. I'm proud I still tried for love but clearly with everything I have going on, this has just pushed me a bit over the edge and I really had judged him as better than this. Thanks for your kind words

OP posts:

Atorwave · 13/12/2025 14:18

bluescreens · 13/12/2025 12:28

Always amazed when I read threads like this and the people who turn up just to kick the OP. Nasty stuff. So sorry you had to read some of that!

I think you’ve had some good advice too and it sounds as though you’re also realising that the relationship is not what you thought it was. If you’re in a good, healthy relationship, you’ll work as a team. Even if there’s a bereavement, you tend to lean into your partner rather than freeze them out. Although you’ve been taking it slow (which is wise), sounds like he’s just put you in a nice little box but has no intention of bringing you into his family and friendship circle. Do they know you exist? It’s ok to not be ready to introduce you but if he was genuinely excited about this, he’d definitely not be keeping you a secret.

It really hurts when you discover the relationship is not what you thought it was but you will be ok! Think about exploring the freedom programme and in time, you’ll really be able to see this for what it was. It is a good learning experience but if it were me, I’d just let it fizzle out now. Personally, I wouldn’t even send a message on the day of the funeral - not because you’re unkind but because he’s saying (through his actions) that he has no interest in making any more of this. And so you’re gracefully bowing out and leaving it there.

I hope you’re able to find peace.

Can you quote a “kicking” post?

I see posts saying that the timing was poor given he was obviously in the rawness of early grief.

I see posts saying that this man has been very clear and open with both his words “no future” and actions (didn’t want to meet OP’s children or introduce to his family and friends)

bluescreens · 13/12/2025 15:44

Atorwave · 13/12/2025 14:18

Can you quote a “kicking” post?

I see posts saying that the timing was poor given he was obviously in the rawness of early grief.

I see posts saying that this man has been very clear and open with both his words “no future” and actions (didn’t want to meet OP’s children or introduce to his family and friends)

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The worst ones have now been deleted by MN.

Atorwave · 13/12/2025 15:46

bluescreens · 13/12/2025 15:44

The worst ones have now been deleted by MN.

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3 posts all from one poster were deleted. That’s it. So not really a “kicking”