AIBU or correct to feel upset

[Happyduck77]

Hi, I've been in a relationship with a guy for a year soon. I really like him but we often only see each other once a fortnight due to our kids. I've not been in a rush to tell my kids about him. When were together, things are great but we've never really spoken about the future etc. He has become less communicative lately - partly understandable due to family ill health. However, he will tell.me he is busy, without actually saying what he's doing. He has only ever given me a handful of compliments in a year. We haven't said the L word - I wanted to but something has kept stopping me. I've only met one of his friends and his child once. He never suggests any dates - it normally revolves around going to each others homes, having a drink and a meal. I was initiating other stuff but pulled back to see if he took the lead. Ive suggested a couple.of meet ups with my kids but these were turned down. Whilst I'm not in a rush to progress, I do need some hope of a future. When I asked before, he just said he can't see the future. Anyway, I've just asked him via message if he wants to keep seeing each other, of he is happy with things and that I just want to know where I stand. I feel so guilty doing this due to a family bereavement but I am hurting so bad and really need the clarity. He hasn't responded in 48hours so I've just been left hanging. I'm not good at asking for my needs to be met and feel bad for my timing but is it too much to ask after a year, just to get some clarity?

Messaging, checking in, sending kind words to make sure he is ok. Ive done as much as i can given our relationship and maybe thats whats made it clear that I'm not that important in his life. I do see him a bit more than that when time allows - normally 6-8 times a.month

No, he has been responding. He just hasn't responded to my message gently asking for clarity about the relationship. He also hasn't responded to my apology message. I am beating myself up about asking for clarity when I did but we had seen each other that day and he left quite abruptly and said I'm busy tonight so I can't see you - no explanation when we normally see each other. It really all.just came to a head and I sent it. I shouldn't have but it was how I was feeling at the time. I should've addressed things ages ago and there were other concerns like going on about his several exes almost every time we were together. It's hard to be so close to someone when they're with you then closed out when they're not. I guess no answer is my answer

I'm counting the weekends as 2 days, then we would meet up for lunch or occasional evening if possible. In touch every single day until recently

My husband lost his dad three weeks after we met. If anything he lent into me cause I was able to make him feel better about a horrible situation.

You're not his priority. So leave him to it. I think you need to consider why you're so anxious and work on yourself before having a relationship

He’s not that into this. Free yourself.

I think if someone with which I had a very “lite” relationship lost their parent and didn’t respond to one single of my numerous “supportive” messages - I would have have taken the hint that this person was really struggling and I wasn’t helping.

What I would NOT do, in any shape or form, is sending an arsey message about no response.

He said he didn’t see a future with you. I imagine this behaviour now mean he doesn’t even see a present with you.

I don't think you've read the posts properly. He did respond to all of my support messages. I saw him 4 days ago, then once he left I sent my very lite message about how he felt things were going, did he want to keep seeing each other and no pressure but id like to know where we stand. He said a few things that night that led to me sending it. I totally regret my timing on sending it and I've apologised, again in a gentle way - it's these 2 messages that have not been answered

There has definitely never been any arsed messages- that's not me as a person at all

I can’t see the future is guy code for there is no future.

and I think he’s just given you all the answers by saying nothing at all x

Ok let me reword

if someone grieving that I was in a very “lite” relationship with wasn’t responding to multiple messages from me post loss, I wouldn’t sent what you sent, or even close it it. I wouldn’t have sent multiple messages either.

leave the poor chap alone now and absolutely don’t expect to hear further from him

Poor chap.

Good on him for not getting sucked in to this but focussing on what’s important to him.

Sucked into what? I have not been nasty, rude or unkind at any point. My timing was awful, but a small message of reassurance after a year together is not too much to ask for surely. Even to say let's talk once things settle down. Radio silence in a relationship is never going to help anyone

I do think your timing was awful, but you know that and have apologised. I’d try and put it out of your head now. Focus on yourself and your kids and when another relationship comes along don’t fall in the same trap. I think you’ve played it completely correctly in terms of keeping the relationship away from your kids though, lots of people aren’t that wise.

@Happyduck77 - some of the replies are quite harsh. Ok, not the greatest timing but it’s not like you sent it on the day he found out and was still in shock, it had been a couple of weeks.

I think you have answer you need though - not responding at all tells you everything. If he saw a “forever future” sort of relationship, he’d reply saying “now’s not the best time, but I do see us being together blah blah blah” and not ignored you. Even a “I can’t deal with this right now” would have done. People can function normally after a loss.

Take what you can from having enjoyed meeting him, getting over the hurdle of intimacy with someone else and know he enjoyed your company and move on. Don’t overthink the message timing or beat yourself up about it. It’s sent, you’ve followed up with an apology so leave things now. You’re NOT a bad person.

Think about what you liked, disliked and enjoyed about being with another person and use that when looking for/dating someone else - what do you want from a relationship and how will you end things quickly if it’s not right for you, what are your red flags, that kind of thing.

I wasted years in a dead end ‘relationship’ like this. It’s a waste of time.

Thank you so much, that's just what I needed to hear and what I'm trying to tell myself. The bereavement put a spotlight on where I stood in his life and we would've ended up in the same situation a year later. It hurts when you're not quite right for them to want a relationship with and whilst I didn't want to jump right in, I hated keeping him a secret and wanted some progression at some point. It's hard because it's not easy to find someone you really like and share values with etc. It's a shame he couldn't see that and want to progress too

You haven’t done anything wrong. You’ve asked for clarity for your own sake but now I would take the silence as his answer and not contact him.

In my situation he also had a death in the family but regardless of that it was going nowhere.

Tbh he’s not your boyfriend, you’re likely a side piece.

Thank you for reaching out. I will send a msg on the morning of the funeral as I would always do that to anyone I care about and then leave it at that. Massive lesson learned the hard way

No, that's something I am sure about - definitely not a side piece. Just he didn't want a relationship