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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU or correct to feel upset

130 replies

Happyduck77 · 08/12/2025 14:06

Hi, I've been in a relationship with a guy for a year soon. I really like him but we often only see each other once a fortnight due to our kids. I've not been in a rush to tell my kids about him. When were together, things are great but we've never really spoken about the future etc. He has become less communicative lately - partly understandable due to family ill health. However, he will tell.me he is busy, without actually saying what he's doing. He has only ever given me a handful of compliments in a year. We haven't said the L word - I wanted to but something has kept stopping me. I've only met one of his friends and his child once. He never suggests any dates - it normally revolves around going to each others homes, having a drink and a meal. I was initiating other stuff but pulled back to see if he took the lead. Ive suggested a couple.of meet ups with my kids but these were turned down. Whilst I'm not in a rush to progress, I do need some hope of a future. When I asked before, he just said he can't see the future. Anyway, I've just asked him via message if he wants to keep seeing each other, of he is happy with things and that I just want to know where I stand. I feel so guilty doing this due to a family bereavement but I am hurting so bad and really need the clarity. He hasn't responded in 48hours so I've just been left hanging. I'm not good at asking for my needs to be met and feel bad for my timing but is it too much to ask after a year, just to get some clarity?

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 08/12/2025 16:07

Happyduck77 · 08/12/2025 16:00

I know I feel awful I sent it. Would an apology be appropriate? I don't know what to do. I was not blunt in my message I acknowledged he had a lot going on and that there was no pressure. I'm only human and my anxiety got the better of me. Otherwise I've been very supportive to him, as it should be

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The relationship isn’t really what you want so maybe just leave it to fizzle out. If you do want to apologise, I’d leave it for a few days. Texting again now would feel like head pecking if I was in his shoes.

Benjithedog · 08/12/2025 16:19

Happyduck77 · 08/12/2025 16:00

I know I feel awful I sent it. Would an apology be appropriate? I don't know what to do. I was not blunt in my message I acknowledged he had a lot going on and that there was no pressure. I'm only human and my anxiety got the better of me. Otherwise I've been very supportive to him, as it should be

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DO NOT Apologise to him. Leave it there and maybe text him in a few weeks to say your silence has answered my question and I’m not going to see you again. Bereavement or not if he was into you he would have replied to your text.

outerspacepotato · 08/12/2025 16:21

Happyduck77 · 08/12/2025 16:05

It was a parent, a couple.of weeks prior. I saw him the day I sent the msg tho and things were OK. I do know I've done something terrible and feel so, so bad. I don't know how to fix it, or even if I can

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2 weeks after a parental loss?

I would send an apology, but no groveling. Something like I'm sorry I sent that while you're grieving your mom/dad and I'm very sorry for your loss. My timing was bad, my apologies for that. But I've come to realize our relationship is too casual, I'm uncomfortable with casual sex, and it's time we stop seeing each other.

Original poster
Happyduck77 · 08/12/2025 16:24

Benjithedog · 08/12/2025 16:19

DO NOT Apologise to him. Leave it there and maybe text him in a few weeks to say your silence has answered my question and I’m not going to see you again. Bereavement or not if he was into you he would have replied to your text.

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Thanks for your response. I do feel that he should know me well enough by now, to know I'm not a bad person and whilst my timing was terrible, I didn't mean to cause any harm to him. I will leave it for now and send a msg at a later date. Bring back use of the phone when people spoke in person - I hate messaging and relationships - brings nothing but anxiety

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyduck77 · 08/12/2025 16:25

outerspacepotato · 08/12/2025 16:21

2 weeks after a parental loss?

I would send an apology, but no groveling. Something like I'm sorry I sent that while you're grieving your mom/dad and I'm very sorry for your loss. My timing was bad, my apologies for that. But I've come to realize our relationship is too casual, I'm uncomfortable with casual sex, and it's time we stop seeing each other.

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Thanks. I think I'll just leave it. Sending a msg like that one to end it whilst he is also grieving would be a step too far for me. I've probably done enough damage so don't want to anger him anymore. I'm a forgiving person and I hope he can see I truly meant no harm. I don't want to end on a bad note

OP posts:
Brightbluesomething · 08/12/2025 17:05

I’m totally confused about how you’ve turned this into you upsetting him? Read your post again and look at how he’s been treating you!
You should have put a stop to this breadcrumbing months ago.
Yes he might have had a bereavement but you’re giving someone who wasn’t treating you well a reason to live rent free in your head. Step away and move on or he’ll keep you on a string to pull back in whenever he wants. He won’t change, and he’s never going to put any effort in. He’ll be back when he wants something unless you block him and you’ll be back on the same merry go round.

Original poster
Happyduck77 · 08/12/2025 17:14

Brightbluesomething · 08/12/2025 17:05

I’m totally confused about how you’ve turned this into you upsetting him? Read your post again and look at how he’s been treating you!
You should have put a stop to this breadcrumbing months ago.
Yes he might have had a bereavement but you’re giving someone who wasn’t treating you well a reason to live rent free in your head. Step away and move on or he’ll keep you on a string to pull back in whenever he wants. He won’t change, and he’s never going to put any effort in. He’ll be back when he wants something unless you block him and you’ll be back on the same merry go round.

Thanks. Its good to have an outside perspective. I came out of an emotionally abusive marriage so breadcrumbs have been better than nothing for me. I've just not realised it.

OP posts:
amibeingaknob · 08/12/2025 17:23

yes you are convincing yourself that you have treated him badly now. Maybe because if its your fault then theres hope? Or maybe because you genuinely do feel bad. However, he was pulling away and treating you like a FWB way before the loss. I disagree that he has made it clear all along - if it was so clear you would have known.

Honestly walk away. Just dont engage with him now. You can do soooo much better. I found someone at 51, and by the 3rd date I was completely sure where I stood, and within 6 months we lived together. Never ever have I had any doubts about his committment to me. When you get the man you deserve you wont have any doubts. x

amibeingaknob · 08/12/2025 17:50

Ill also add I left an abusive marriage of 21 years, and I thought - like i think you do - that the anxiety of not knowing where I stood, the ups and downs, the insecurity was all part of being in love. Its not. Believe me, healthy love feels utterly amazing, and there is no insecurity. Wish it didn't take til I was in my 50s to work that out though. You can do so much better OP.

TwistedWonder · 08/12/2025 18:01

Happyduck77 · 08/12/2025 17:14

Thanks. Its good to have an outside perspective. I came out of an emotionally abusive marriage so breadcrumbs have been better than nothing for me. I've just not realised it.

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OP have you had therapy or done the freedom programme after an abusive marriage?

The thing is your boundaries will be so worn down by abuse that you need to learn to spot red flags much quicker.

This guy couldn’t have been clearer that this wasn’t a long term relationship for him and you either chose to ignore or genuinely didn’t get that. Either way, therapy would really help

Original poster
Happyduck77 · 08/12/2025 18:27

TwistedWonder · 08/12/2025 18:01

OP have you had therapy or done the freedom programme after an abusive marriage?

The thing is your boundaries will be so worn down by abuse that you need to learn to spot red flags much quicker.

This guy couldn’t have been clearer that this wasn’t a long term relationship for him and you either chose to ignore or genuinely didn’t get that. Either way, therapy would really help

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I've been speaking to a counsellor since before the marriage ended but will look up this therapy thank you. He kept going on about his several ex girlfriends over 20years as well and I'm realising I didn't feel comfortable with that but have turned a blind eye to it

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 08/12/2025 18:33

Happyduck77 · 08/12/2025 18:27

I've been speaking to a counsellor since before the marriage ended but will look up this therapy thank you. He kept going on about his several ex girlfriends over 20years as well and I'm realising I didn't feel comfortable with that but have turned a blind eye to it

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You can access the freedom programme online

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Its recommended if you’ve been in an abusive relationship previously

CurlewKate · 08/12/2025 18:33

The one message I tried really hard to instil in my dd was that if a man wants to see you he will.

Original poster
Happyduck77 · 08/12/2025 18:41

CurlewKate · 08/12/2025 18:33

The one message I tried really hard to instil in my dd was that if a man wants to see you he will.

Thanks, I agree. He has made an effort to see me when he can, until recently when he's been grieving. It's just that there appears to be no interest in doing much, other than drink, food and the obvious.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyduck77 · 08/12/2025 18:43

TwistedWonder · 08/12/2025 18:33

You can access the freedom programme online

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Its recommended if you’ve been in an abusive relationship previously

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Thanks, I will definitely look at it. Always keen to try and be a better person and move forward

OP posts:
Enrichetta · 08/12/2025 18:50

Happyduck77 · 08/12/2025 14:48

Thanks for your response. I think I've ended up in a situationship type thing without realising it. I always seem to think the relationship is more than the guy does. Need to learn from this one

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Read Women Who Love Too Much. You will find it helpful.

Moreconsidered · 09/12/2025 06:27

I think this chap has been really open and honest with you. Never mis led you. Right from the word go he has been explicit…. He sees No future with you! He has never led you up the garden path.

The 1 - 2 get together per month have been a nice distraction. A bit of fun.

He has now had a major life event. The loss of a parent. And quite simply, he’s not even thinking of you. Sometimes in these awful times, we see a message, and the idea of responding just seems too much effort when you’re in the grip of grief and funeral arranging etc.

I would have sent a card expressing how sorry I was. And that is that.

Original poster
Happyduck77 · 09/12/2025 08:01

Moreconsidered · 09/12/2025 06:27

I think this chap has been really open and honest with you. Never mis led you. Right from the word go he has been explicit…. He sees No future with you! He has never led you up the garden path.

The 1 - 2 get together per month have been a nice distraction. A bit of fun.

He has now had a major life event. The loss of a parent. And quite simply, he’s not even thinking of you. Sometimes in these awful times, we see a message, and the idea of responding just seems too much effort when you’re in the grip of grief and funeral arranging etc.

I would have sent a card expressing how sorry I was. And that is that.

Thanks for your response. I have seen him since the bereavement and it was fine. I've been totally supportive apart from sending that message at the wrong time but I would hope one mistake could be forgiven. Feelings and circumstances change and whilst I was happy for something fun at first, feelings get involved and I maybe didn't realise what I was getting involved with. I appreciate your response

OP posts:
Lostsadandconfused · 09/12/2025 08:09

I would be really quite angry if I had been seeing someone, and they sent me a text message like that just after a parent died. You’d never hear from me again.

Original poster
Happyduck77 · 09/12/2025 08:44

Lostsadandconfused · 09/12/2025 08:09

I would be really quite angry if I had been seeing someone, and they sent me a text message like that just after a parent died. You’d never hear from me again.

Thanks for that. I thought I couldn't feel any worse until I read your comment. I'm human, I made a mistake. I've apologised to him. I know I wouldn't let someone I truly cared for go over one mistake. I meant no harm from it and it was down to anxiety

OP posts:
PashaMinaMio · 09/12/2025 08:55

Just leave it. Move on. He’s not that into you. If he was, as his GF he’d turn to you for support at this sad time.

As someone else (above) has pointed out, he knows where you are. If he wanted to he would. Stop being so meek ruminating on sending apologies.

Block him, concentrate on Christmas for your kids and welcome a fresh start in 2026.

TwistedWonder · 09/12/2025 09:10

Happyduck77 · 09/12/2025 08:44

Thanks for that. I thought I couldn't feel any worse until I read your comment. I'm human, I made a mistake. I've apologised to him. I know I wouldn't let someone I truly cared for go over one mistake. I meant no harm from it and it was down to anxiety

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The thing is OP he doesn’t truly care for you and maybe this has given him a way out.

Stop beating yourself up for an error of judgement. This man hasn’t treated you well, things have gone your way and end and dwelling on the whys and what ifs will drive you mad.

Cry your tears, dust yourself down and lift your self esteem so you don’t get stuck in another dead end situation ship.

Benjithedog · 09/12/2025 09:58

TwistedWonder · 09/12/2025 09:10

The thing is OP he doesn’t truly care for you and maybe this has given him a way out.

Stop beating yourself up for an error of judgement. This man hasn’t treated you well, things have gone your way and end and dwelling on the whys and what ifs will drive you mad.

Cry your tears, dust yourself down and lift your self esteem so you don’t get stuck in another dead end situation ship.

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OP totally this ⬆️ . The blaming yourself stops now. Remember that everything seemed to be on his terms with little thought of you. Enjoy Christmas with your children and look forward to a brighter 2026 without ANY second guessing yourself.

Original poster
Happyduck77 · 09/12/2025 10:12

Benjithedog · 09/12/2025 09:58

OP totally this ⬆️ . The blaming yourself stops now. Remember that everything seemed to be on his terms with little thought of you. Enjoy Christmas with your children and look forward to a brighter 2026 without ANY second guessing yourself.

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Thanks for ypur kind words. I'm going through a prolonged divorce as well so probably have been glad of some affection and not fully realised it wasn't going anywhere. Currently feeling awful and can't believe I've been so nieve

OP posts:
Benjithedog · 09/12/2025 10:15

Happyduck77 · 09/12/2025 10:12

Thanks for ypur kind words. I'm going through a prolonged divorce as well so probably have been glad of some affection and not fully realised it wasn't going anywhere. Currently feeling awful and can't believe I've been so nieve

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You have been vulnerable and therefore maybe more accepting of certain behaviours but this does not mean that you have to continue in this way. Take this as a lesson learned of what you will not put up with going forward.