AIBU or correct to feel upset

[Happyduck77]

Hi, I've been in a relationship with a guy for a year soon. I really like him but we often only see each other once a fortnight due to our kids. I've not been in a rush to tell my kids about him. When were together, things are great but we've never really spoken about the future etc. He has become less communicative lately - partly understandable due to family ill health. However, he will tell.me he is busy, without actually saying what he's doing. He has only ever given me a handful of compliments in a year. We haven't said the L word - I wanted to but something has kept stopping me. I've only met one of his friends and his child once. He never suggests any dates - it normally revolves around going to each others homes, having a drink and a meal. I was initiating other stuff but pulled back to see if he took the lead. Ive suggested a couple.of meet ups with my kids but these were turned down. Whilst I'm not in a rush to progress, I do need some hope of a future. When I asked before, he just said he can't see the future. Anyway, I've just asked him via message if he wants to keep seeing each other, of he is happy with things and that I just want to know where I stand. I feel so guilty doing this due to a family bereavement but I am hurting so bad and really need the clarity. He hasn't responded in 48hours so I've just been left hanging. I'm not good at asking for my needs to be met and feel bad for my timing but is it too much to ask after a year, just to get some clarity?

So what then? FWB

and now the shit has hit the fan for him…. He’s hunkering down with this family and proper friend

You know what - you’ll not see it now but in time it’ll drop that this guy was just not right for you and it’s the distance and time you need to actually realise that

and you never know what’s round the corner. Throwing this one back could just lead to mr. Right rocking up

If he’d been in the fence about the relationship / FWB / situationship before the loss of his parent, it would seems he is now most definitely off the fence now and decided it’s not something he wants to have anything more to do with

Why so unkind and spiteful Nomoresilly?

Op you've done nothing wrong. Your timing wasn't great, but given you asked the question on the back of him being abrupt, annoucing he was too busy to see you (as would usually happen) that evening but not explaining why, and saying a few things that left you wondering.... I can understand why you asked the question, especially as you did it in a non-accusing way.

Timing wasn't perfect perhaps, but you both have needs and he was treating you as though you weren't important to him, so it's natural that you wanted to know where you stood.

I suspect you now know, and I'd leave it at that. Let's face it, if he wasn't very invested in your relationship, then your message won't have upset him at all. And if he was invested, you wouldn't have had to ask the question.

Do no harm done as far as I can see. I suspect he won't like the question / will be too much of a coward to answer it, and may use the timing as an excuse to blame you for the breakup. But it needed to happen anyway.

Don't beat yourself up. This story of a man showing just enough interest to keep you around, and for you to hope for something more is a common one!! The issue isn't the message or the timing of it - not ideal but not completely terrible either. The real issue is that you are both on a different page regarding your relationship and it's probably time to walk away.

Appreciate the nice times you spent together for what they were, take a break and grieve this relationship and focus on finding what it is you really want with someone else. (Ps I am at the beginning of a similar scenario so I need to take this advice to 🙂).

OP you sound like a lovely, kind person but this guy is just stringing you a long. It sounds like you’ve just got into a convenient routine , but it looks like your relationship is not going to progress.

I would just leave things as they are and not contact him again. Keep your options open and start thinking about alternative scenarios. This may make him show more interest or you’ll be free to move on.

Don’t beat yourself up over timing, it’s fine to ask, he’s not incapacitated and incapable of a text or response.

I think it’s clear this is just friends with benefits, if that’s not what you want stop meeting him for food and sex.

He’s not done anything wrong. Didn’t lead you on but I don’t see that you have done anything wrong either. You have merely laid down what you want. He could, even in the throws of grieving, have replied to your messages. In fact if he had wanted the same as you it would have been good timing as you were expressing how interested you were in having a future with him when he maybe needed to hear it but obviously that’s not the case for him. I think the death of a parent has probably made him prioritise and sadly you are not one of his. Don’t give it another thought. Don’t contact him further. Chalk it up to experience and focus and enjoy Christmas with your kids. If a man is right and wants the same as you, you’ll no and it’s won’t be difficult at all.

Re-reading your initial post and I’d say you were right to ask him where you stand. Yes, the timing was a bit off but you know that and I’m sure he could have replied with a quick, ‘Let’s talk after the funeral’ text.
From what you’ve written, it sounds like he’s been using you to fill a bit of time and although you don’t feel like it now, you’ve dodged a bullet with him.

Oh come on, you already know. He doesn't care. I'm sorry but don't waste anymore of your time. You deserve MUCH BETTER.

You mentioned that your relationship consisted of meals and not much more. It also sounds like you’ve taken stock of how this relationship was going, and that you are bored, for want of a better word, of the dates. There was no variety or excitement or spontaneity , but the same old pattern.

It’s always sad when when relationships end, especially when he’s not essentially a bad ‘un. Take time to appreciate the good elements, grieve the future you thought you had with him, and then move on.

Thanks everyone. He finally replied to say he was fine and that he just had a lot going on at the moment. So, lesson learned and just trying to work out how not to end up in a similar situation again. Lots of work on myself and getting better at identifying my needs and wants and actually asking for them or moving on quickly. Aaaargh - so hard!

Any indication he wants to meet again?

No, none. When I first read his message I naively thought 'oh well, he just has too much on at the moment' then read between the lines and realised this is just an easy way out and letting me down with the bare minimum, like he showed up in the relationship. I'm not one for giving up on things easily but you need both people to think like that. I've realised it was all really surface level and no chat about us, the relationship, I miss you etc. It hits home when you see friends in a new relationship saying I love you, making future plans, meeting family etc. I didn't want this type of relationship but it appears I've managed to end up in one and it was fun for a bit but I want the full shebang and think I deserve it after an emotionally abusive marriage

Leave it now and don’t text him again. Delete his his number from your phone and look forward to a better 2026

We haven't said the L word - I wanted to but something has kept stopping me

Did you love him @Happyduck77 ?

Yes…. To a brighter 2026!

Yes I did and that's what makes this so hard. It was a year of my life and he knew everything about me. Unfortunately I've been going through a difficult divorce for a few years and I've been saying 'this is my year' for several years now. I've given up hope

Thanks, already done ✔️

From what you’ve described…. “Surface level” “no chat about us” never said he missed you, said that he didn’t see a future together, didn’t want to introduce you to his children, and only saw each other every other weekend, I think if you sit and really think about it - you’ll realise you didn’t love him.

Whilst it might not be your year for a relationship, that sure as hell doesn’t mean it can’t be a great year for you. Do you enjoy your job? Have friends? Hobbies? Socialise?

Yes, I enjoy my job but working from home some of the time Isolates you. I do have hobbies which I'm busy with. Don't socialise too much as friends are busy and I'm a single mum with limited time. Not in a place for any of that right now. Sure I'll pick myself up - again. Nothing else for it. Thanks for your kind words

You have eow free…. So start seeing those weekends as time to socialise with friends or start a new hobby

Good girl!!!

I agree with others. I think he sees this as a casual arrangement, and is happy with EOW. He's not viewing you or the relationship in the same way as you are. You clearly want something more serious with clear plans going forward. If this man genuinely thought a lot of you, and saw a future, he would be showing you that, by his actions. I think it's perhaps time to accept that you want something that he can't or isn't prepared to give, and move on.

What did you love about him? It doesn’t sound like you knew him on any deep level, as he hadn’t opened up to you and was clear about not wanting to share his life with you?

was it long distance?

Has he still not replied? If he hasn't then I am sorry to say that he is probably happy you sent that message because it saves him from delivering the hurtful news so his silence is basically him agreeing with your suggestion. I am really sorry