Husband has left, Emotional Affair with Colleague, Can I save this?

[BarnabyRocks]

Husband of 14 years left 3 weeks ago, just told me he'd had enough, was unhappy, wanted to end it. Up and left to go stay with his sister, totally blindsided and devastated. We haven't been happy in our relationship for years, we have 2 young children and I have been in the trenches as it were with them, he has been head down, concentrating on his business. I have done the lion share of the care/parenting/house etc, you know the drill, working part time around their needs, feeling like I'm drowning or on a constant treadmill. We have no support from parents either side. This has caused resentments over the years with very few concessions from him, or admitting he should help more. He has been working extremely hard on his business, has had periods of burnout and dizzy spells and had reluctantly admitted (since he left) that he had been focussing on this and not us. I will admit we have had a dreadful communication style between us, with me pleading for help at times, him being defensive and dismissive, sulking on both sides then very little repair, just a gradually going back to normal after a few weeks, he has ot slightly better over time, helping a bit more, but it wasn't enough and he has said he felt that whatever he did was never good enough. I have been carrying lots of 'scars' from when I have felt let down and unsupported by him, he I think has felt unloved by me. On top of the communication style, I have been going through the menopause with all of the dreadful symptoms, including not wanting to be touched or intimate. He knew this but I admit I had been keeping a lot of how I was feeling to myself, as is my style plus through almost burnout myself, and just getting my head down and getting on with the jobs that needed doing.

My 2 kids are traumatised by him leaving, we have just been getting by. In his leaving speech to me,after some pressure from me, he admitted he has declared feelings for a married colleague and she has told him the same, that she is also leaving an unhappy marriage with her 3 children, he has assured me that nothing physical has happened but I'm not convinced. They are going to be at the same event together next week for 2 days/1 night. He knows I know this, it has been planned for 6 months, a work thing. He keeps saying 'nothing has happened', 'I haven't gone behind your back', but I think, as he's already told me he wants out and has left, that mentally he will think if something happens physically, that that won't be cheating. I'm not sure how I am going to cope with these two days, knowing they will be together. I still love him, I still want to try to work things out. We are in a dreadful place. We talked 2 days ago, the first time properly since he left, both admitting how we had been feeling for years and it turns out he thought I had been treating him like a doormat and I thought the exact same of him, we just hadn't been expressing it to each other or accepting each others feelings. Although I have tried in the past, this would, I felt, fall on deaf ears.

He has said his reason for ending it has got nothing to do with the other woman, and is purely because he is so unhappy in our relationship. That it is just a coincidence that she is also leaving at the same time..

How can I tell him not to take that step next week when they are together, and do anything physical with her? Should I? I know this will appear like I'm begging him but I love him and I cannot bear the thought of him kissing or being with another person. If I don't say anything, I think he will take that as my knowing he is going to do something anyway, that because he's already told me he's leaving, he can do it with a clearer conscience. I want him back, or at the very least, I want him to not take that step with her, so we can work on our relationship, even if it's just so we can not damage it further, but I don't know if me telling him that will push him further away?

I'm sorry OP. Unfortunately so many of us have been in similar situations. If its any consolation, I'm 10 years on from my late DH leaving me and I'm happily remarried living my best life.
A couple of things;
-Don't involve the other woman/her husband. Whilst she might be the catalyst she's not the reason why. You've said it yourself, the relationship hasn't been good for years etc. It's hard when we have small ones, busy jobs etc but marriages need to be nurtured, they can't be left to rot and hope you can pick up later.
-find your inner anger but maintain your dignity. I could have told so many stories about the things my late DH did but my silence spoke more words. maybe karma is a thing?
-take your time. You dont have to make decisions now, put your mental health first and focus on the life you want/deserve.

If by ‘saving it’ you mean going back to the state you were both desperately unhappy in … maybe? But you’re miserable, you were utterly miserable and so was he. I’d let that die tbh even though it’s really painful

Perhaps not, but the marriage was over. The marriage itself had been betrayed many times over by both of them, for years. It was devoid of intimacy and love and mutual support. So really, what was left to betray? Neither of them were trying.

I agree with you that they absolutely should and perhaps if this couple had the marriage could have been saved, but it sounds like it's too late now.

I am so sorry this has happened. My husband did similar, told me nothing had happened with OW and they were just friends but that wasn't how the messages read and I didn't believe him. We did initially try to work things out but it was too broken and he kept saying he would stop contact and then contacting her. In the end I told him to go I was done. He had said he didn't want to break off contact in case things didn't work out with me and I wasn't able to tell him we could fix things, even if I was willing to try. Looking back, I wish I had sent him out of the door on that first night and never looked back but all those feelings you describe are very normal and it's hard so hard.

My son was 11 and also devastated. I couldn't believe he didn't see it coming as it felt like we'd been arguing all the time although I used to spend so much time walking on eggshells so as not to set husband off shouting/arguing in front of DS. The best thing you can do is be there for your kids, plan fun stuff, keep busy, distract them but be there when they need to talk. Doing the fun stuff and keeping busy will be good for you as well.

It took me a long time before I started to heal. It's now 7 years later and I am happily single. My life is good. It is so nice not having all that stress and angst that comes with a bad relationship. I am financially independant and my son is now an amazing adult. Once I got to a point where I had no expectations of my ex and didn't need him for anything, i.e. I could leave DS at home for a few hours or take him with me things became easier. That you can't control other people only how you respond to them is something I try to remember and good advice I think. My ex and I get on well now and he will help me out with stuff. He is still with the OW and she is nice to DS and they get on which is all you can hope for really.

I understand how you feel about not telling people. I found this really hard but once I had it was a weight lifted so tell them. This isn't your fault. You have no need to feel embarassed. Make sure you tell the school if you haven't already too so they can keep an eye on your kids.

I am sorry but I think he is planning to start a relationship with the OW even if he hasn't already and your mind will want to know all the details but really you are best not asking. He is telling you all this to pave the way for his new relationship and so he can say you were already separated when he started seeing her as though that absolves him some how (it doesn't he is still a nob and you will never know the truth). You really are going to be better off without him OPS given some of the things you have said even if it doesn't feel like it. He won't change.

Good luck x

This. It's tempting to sit back with a large glass of wine and watch the whole thing implode, but it's not very fair on the kids.

This will be such a shock to you but you can get through this.

I'm betting the new relationship won't last once reality kicks in. 5 kids between them and going from 10% to 50% parenting. Ha! He'll be in for a rude awakening.

Focus on healing and being there for your kids. Don't do the pick me dance or show any emotion to him. Insist on 50:50. That means he needs to supply his own school uniforms, pyjamas, clothes, toothbrush etc. Do nothing for him as everything in "his" house and time with the kids is on him. This is in the kids best interest too because they'll need to feel at home there and not be suitcase kids traipsing their stuff back and forth. Cheerfully send the kids to him with the clothes they're wearing. Try to be civil and even friendly for the kids sake to make it easier on them.

In your free time, it will be easier to keep your house clean, tidy and organised. You can focus on hobbies and exercise to make the best of things for youself. You should have more energy for fun things and making the most of it when the kids are with you.

I know someone who did this and apart from missing their kids when they aren't around, they are very happy. The ex husband regrets his decision but there's no going back now.

Be strong, you can and will get through this. See a solicitor ASAP and get your ducks in a row.

Unless you are a mod, I don't care for your policing of my posts @GloriaMonday , if anything it incentivises me

There's neglect and then there is shagging your colleague & lying about it.
Dredging around for excuses for the latter is very low behaviour.

OP, ask around for a rottweiler solicitor who will get you everything they can.
If he is financially savvy, a forensic accountant is money well spent.
I would suspect he will have been planning to screw you financially.
Forensic accountants are the best money a woman can spend to make sure they find all the money available.
I too wouldn't believe him for a second, I would 100% be telling people he has been having an affair and left.

I don't agree with all the posters saying, 'Insist on 50:50 - he'll soon see how hard it is on his own!'

Because while you are all right - it's the kids that suffer in that scenario. Their Dad has just left, their Mum is in bits but trying to hold it together for them... They don't need passing from pillar to post. 50:50 in time. Right now, they need to end every single day in their own bedroom, as part of their established routine, with no more disruption.

Being dumped at Dad's when he doesn't have a set up for them yet, chortling because you didn't pack their toothbrushes... I really wouldn't.

He opted out of your family life - fine. He needs to build a very stable second home for his children, and they need to be used to the new normal, before they go and see him overnight.

@BarnabyRocks

OK, I know this may not be easy to hear, but you need to pull your socks up and see a solicitor ASAP (like yesterday). Beg, borrow, or steal the money but do this NOW. Add to it that he has had weeks, maybe months, to get HIS ducks in a row so you are miles behind him in this. He may even have seen his own solicitor already. Seeing a solicitor doesn't mean you're going to 'do anything'. It just means getting yourself educated on what a divorce may mean to you and any steps you need to take to protect your and your DC's financial futures. If nothing else you need to know your rights to child maintenance during these early days.

You say he's 'handled all the financials' so you are playing a BIG 'catch up' game. Don't put it past him not to have 'fiddled the family books'. You'll need to carefully review not just now, but finances in the past year to see if there are any major differences. And you speak of 'his business'. Self employed people can easily decrease their profits on paper to avoid taxes or lower maintenance payments. And you need to know whether or not you may be entitled to a share of the business, or a buy out payment. Just because you aren't on the paperwork doesn't mean it's not a marital asset, especially if your work at home contributed to him having time to build that business. Do you see why you need to see a solicitor? They can help you navigate all this.

I'm not telling you to stop feeling what you're feeling, that's not possible right now. I'm just saying that you need to put those feelings in a little box for a few hours to see a solicitor. Take someone with you to serve as an extra set of ears. It's really helpful. So if you haven't spoken to anyone about this, pick one person (friend or relative) that you trust to keep your confidence and tell them what's going on. Remember, the blame is all on him so you need feel no 'shame' in telling someone what's happened. Right now he wants you to take all the blame so he can justify himself. Don't allow him to do that to you.

Much of the pain you're feeling is the death of the dream. You had a dream of what your life would be like and he's destroyed that. It's horrible now but 'this too shall pass'. I know it doesn't seem like it, but it will. Please don't give any headspace to the thought of him coming back. He's now 'damaged goods' and cannot be trusted. If he's cheated once, he'll cheat again. You deserve much better. Remember this is a marathon not a sprint. It will all take time. You'll get there.

I’m actually dismayed about the posters urging her to weaponise her children.

it appears it’s the mere thought of infidelity that’s done it. There is nothing off limits that can’t be used to punish for this, including her own children.

I couldn’t read and run with this one because what you have said resonated with me so much, I could have written this post word for word this time last year… I felt like I was drowning too, couldnt see a way out of the misery, felt so desperate… but now I am with a man who truly loves and appreciates me and I have never been so happy, I am glad what happened happened now because I wasn’t happy and never would of had the courage to end it.
You will feel this way too one day, I promise, you will get there, take it day by day, be selfish but please please please don’t believe a word he is telling you about this other women, please don’t try and get him back, he is lying to you, you deserve better so please hold your head high and walk away now, it’s time to get a solicitor and start piecing yourself back together… you can do it.

Your husband and you obviously haven’t been happy for years. He’s now checked out, which may be a good thing. You might find a new future is a positive.

I left my first marriage after 28 years, and it was the best thing I ever did. 👍

What a bloody wonderful post xx ❤️❤️

I just wanted to say well done. You're advocating for your child. He needs to have people in his corner.

Just hang in there love. Wait until he’s got 3 children to amuse and who will probably hate him. The passion will soon die.

This sounds horrendous , but trying to convince someone who is treating you badly to treat you better is not a sign of a healthy relationship - in any sense. I don’t blame you for wanting to fight to keep your marriage but ask yourself even if he was to want to give it another go could you ever trust him again? The trust has been well and truly broken . He is behaving terribly . I wouldn’t try to convince him to do anything and don’t give any ultimatums . Strangers on the internet can tell you it’s over but if you really want to try and fight for it I do understand that, but also remember accepting breadcrumbs and the bare minimum is not good enough.
My uncle and aunt had been married for 16 years , they split up for a year and got back together. If he wants to leave let him, if he doesn’t want to work and come back then you have your answer .
This is going to be brutally painful for you . But whatever happens you will be ok, Know your worth, stay calm and really ask yourself can he ever make you happy? Sending love and strength x

It's over. You are clinging to the man you thought he was and the relationship you wanted to have. In reality, it's not a relationship that works and you know that.

An obvious risk in situation is that your husband appears to run his own business. This means he has far more scope to manipulate his assets and his income. He will also be way ahead of you on knowing what divorce means for him financially. The fact that you haven’t been involved with the family finances means he has another advantage.

He may not want to use these advantages. He could be completely on board with making sure your needs are met. But you need to do 2 things. One is to get on top of the finances. Including figuring out what and how he is paid. If he has been reducing his tax liabilities, like a lot of self employed people, his declared income might be low. That will reduce child maintenance far more than his desire to do 50:50. As will living with someone with 3 kids.

The other thing to do is get some decent legal advice before talking to him about what happens next.

Then you will know where you stand and how much leverage you have in the divorce. Don’t in the meantime do anything rash as advised by hotheads on here. Because that could turn an otherwise amicable split into a bitter one. And if you don’t have leverage, all the go girls in the world won’t give you a decent settlement or liveable child support.

and 50-50 starts now. So how he deals with that is his own problem not yours you don’t pick up the pieces you don’t make it easy for him or for the kids to be honest he needs to know that this is what his future looks like so thathe can make the appropriate arrangements. He can make the appropriate arrangements. This will help you a )earn more money b) organiz your life see get the divorce rolling c) get the divorce and other shit sorted.

OP , sadly I think you need to play this cool - get on with looking after yourself and the kids - nothing pisses off some idiots like this than realising you are having quite a good time without them - it will go one of 2 ways, either it all goes super duper with OW for a good long while and to be frank you will probably realise that you were no longer good together or it will all go badly wrong quite quickly because he is basing things on a relationship that really isn’t - it’s a crush/infatuation - I doubt it involves any domestics or teens playing up or financial issues etc - sometimes nothing is more intoxicating than something that’s taboo - the reality can be very different

easiest way to do 50/50, or call their bluff on doing 50/50, is just to suggest a week-on week-off arrangement. If they cannot do that, they cannot realistically do 50/50. Most people doing 50/50 properly end up with that, at least with older kids.

Thank you xx