Husband has left, Emotional Affair with Colleague, Can I save this?

[BarnabyRocks]

Husband of 14 years left 3 weeks ago, just told me he'd had enough, was unhappy, wanted to end it. Up and left to go stay with his sister, totally blindsided and devastated. We haven't been happy in our relationship for years, we have 2 young children and I have been in the trenches as it were with them, he has been head down, concentrating on his business. I have done the lion share of the care/parenting/house etc, you know the drill, working part time around their needs, feeling like I'm drowning or on a constant treadmill. We have no support from parents either side. This has caused resentments over the years with very few concessions from him, or admitting he should help more. He has been working extremely hard on his business, has had periods of burnout and dizzy spells and had reluctantly admitted (since he left) that he had been focussing on this and not us. I will admit we have had a dreadful communication style between us, with me pleading for help at times, him being defensive and dismissive, sulking on both sides then very little repair, just a gradually going back to normal after a few weeks, he has ot slightly better over time, helping a bit more, but it wasn't enough and he has said he felt that whatever he did was never good enough. I have been carrying lots of 'scars' from when I have felt let down and unsupported by him, he I think has felt unloved by me. On top of the communication style, I have been going through the menopause with all of the dreadful symptoms, including not wanting to be touched or intimate. He knew this but I admit I had been keeping a lot of how I was feeling to myself, as is my style plus through almost burnout myself, and just getting my head down and getting on with the jobs that needed doing.

My 2 kids are traumatised by him leaving, we have just been getting by. In his leaving speech to me,after some pressure from me, he admitted he has declared feelings for a married colleague and she has told him the same, that she is also leaving an unhappy marriage with her 3 children, he has assured me that nothing physical has happened but I'm not convinced. They are going to be at the same event together next week for 2 days/1 night. He knows I know this, it has been planned for 6 months, a work thing. He keeps saying 'nothing has happened', 'I haven't gone behind your back', but I think, as he's already told me he wants out and has left, that mentally he will think if something happens physically, that that won't be cheating. I'm not sure how I am going to cope with these two days, knowing they will be together. I still love him, I still want to try to work things out. We are in a dreadful place. We talked 2 days ago, the first time properly since he left, both admitting how we had been feeling for years and it turns out he thought I had been treating him like a doormat and I thought the exact same of him, we just hadn't been expressing it to each other or accepting each others feelings. Although I have tried in the past, this would, I felt, fall on deaf ears.

He has said his reason for ending it has got nothing to do with the other woman, and is purely because he is so unhappy in our relationship. That it is just a coincidence that she is also leaving at the same time..

How can I tell him not to take that step next week when they are together, and do anything physical with her? Should I? I know this will appear like I'm begging him but I love him and I cannot bear the thought of him kissing or being with another person. If I don't say anything, I think he will take that as my knowing he is going to do something anyway, that because he's already told me he's leaving, he can do it with a clearer conscience. I want him back, or at the very least, I want him to not take that step with her, so we can work on our relationship, even if it's just so we can not damage it further, but I don't know if me telling him that will push him further away?

You need to Grey Rock now, Do not tell him what you are doing or planning.
Hold your head high, no sobbing or begging. In the long term this will be beneficial in the power, & respect you have.
Tell him you are going to your family for Xmas, as he doesn't have a flat yet.
He can have DC, EOW. He has never done 50% who does he think he’s kidding?
You need to start as you mean to go on.

When my first husband said he wanted 50/50, turned out he meant 50 minutes for every 50 days I had them. Took years of wrangling to get anything formal in place and whilst he did eventually pay child support, he managed to skip out of it for over 3 years by claiming we had a 50/50 arrangement. Don't agree to anything with him.Let a solicitor handle it.

100% agree with this. My marriage got to a very similar place, trapped in a cycle of mutual resentment which we didn't know how to get out of. He walked out, moved a colleague friendship into a relationship. It took me months to pull myself together and get to the point where I was strong enough. I did all the planning as if it was going to happen, got all the advice, but sat on the information I accumulated and held my line mentally that if he wanted a divorce, he had to file for it.

Meanwhile I got on with my life, got myself promoted, made my own new friends, found hobbies etc. Once his new love goggles fell off a year or so later, he came back and asked for a fresh start. I had already been having counselling to look at my own mistakes and to help me heal. He started counselling to look at his part in the breakdown. We agreed to slowly start dating again and he did not move back home until I was ready for him to another year ish later.

I know nobody ever believes it can be true and it certainly sounds like a cliché but our marriage is now the strongest it has ever been. We are in the longest period of calm that we have ever had after being married 18 years when the crisis hit, now nearly 25. I have no regrets about starting again. Every single day, he steps up and shows me how much it means to him that I was willing to take the risk.

Because that too often is what happens.

Man with 3 kids leaves his wife for the OW, who is divorced with 2 children. Man rarely sees his own children, breaking plans for something "important" with new wife or stepchildren. His dc live with their mother, while he lives with, sees daily, and helps raise the dsc.

What part of that doesn't scream he has traded his old life with wife and dc for his new life with the OW and her children? I should know; I was one of the original kids left behind. My little brother was so traumatized when "d"f moved 500 miles away with his new family that he couldn't talk for 3 months.

Because it's mostly a load of claptrap that assumes men are all the same, think the same way and act the same way and women who've been cheated on regardless of why must behave in the same way. It's like a religion on here, the words alone bring me out in a rash.

This marriage was dead and from the sounds of things it was both parties to blame. Him being the one to finally pull the plaster off via an exit affair doesn't make much difference. The OP feels devastated now but her marriage has no intimacy or love; both of them were miserable. Focusing on infidelity is a red herring here.

Gently, both partners don’t consider leaving a marriage at the same time if it hasn’t already become physical. He’s lying to you.

I agree. This was a terrible marriage, sooner or later one of them was going to have to call time.

Just wanted to say what a wonderful, sensible, understanding, positive and uplifting post this is. Beautifully written too. Bravo! 👏👏👏

What? Chumplady is very much for men and women who have been cheated on, by men and women, and in all circumstances, including those who thought the marriage was happy and those who knew it wasn't. It's recommended a lot because many people find it resonates with them and helps. I don't have experience of infidelity but I read it because it's interesting and also very funny.

I don't know what you're seeing, but it isn't there.

Calling it an ‘exit affair’ doesn’t make it anything less of a betrayal.

@BeaRightThere , I've not looked at Chumplady, but The Script helped me understand that what was happening was a standard pattern of how a man behaves when his head has been turned.

@BarnabyRocksIm going to give you a slightly different perspective.
You both have to want to be in the marriage to make it work. But it is possible.
Tell him you love him and want to be married to him. That you don’t want to fight anymore and find better ways to communicate and start afresh.
He may say no. Then ask him at least to give it some thought. Give him some time to think about it.
Try to keep very busy and concentrate on yourself and get some real life support.
As a couple a therapist who will help you really listen to each other and improve communication and connection.
Im not sure if this is allowed under Mumsnet rules but we saw someone who really helped us. Im happy to pass her details on if you want to message me.
What you are dealing with is really really hard. Take each day or hour as it comes.
Have some boundaries - I wrote mine out.
Your husband will miss the home environment (even if he says he doesn’t) and his children.
I wish you all the best.

Also I have just seen his age - super common for a mid life crisis at this age. That takes time to come out of. https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-six-stages-of-a-mid-life-crisis/amp/
this really helped me understand what was going on.

you are supporting biased views by disputing what the poster you responded to said .
Did you note that OP also wants to try and save this relationship?

many just run to "leave him" " get him for all he has" blah blah

that does not help

I'm sorry to read this OP but it is clear that, affair or no affair, OW or no OW, your marriage has been dead in the water for a long time. You are upset and panicking because he has finally pulled the plug, which is understandable - but from your OP it really does sound like it'll be for the best in the long run. You've been living miserably for years. Don't fixate on whether or not he's having an affair - it's irrelevant tbh as the marriage was broken long before anything happened there. Spend your energies sorting yourself out and making a plan for the future outside of being married. Hang in there because it sounds like one of you had to end it, and he's done it, and there's a better future ahead for you.

Hi OP, it seems like you are desperate to stop the physical intimacy that is scheduled for the days away of the work conference as if this would give a greater chance of saving your marriage.
Don't pour all your energy and resources into this, it won't prevent the outcome.
Seems like you have both been buried in different things, forcing you further apart.
I'm not sure if your relationship can be saved. Please take care of yourself OP, moment by moment.
You are not alone

@deardeb , there's no point in trying to save it. The marriage is dead. They could try to 'stay together for the kids', but the damage is done.

Ah, you will.

And you'll enjoy that exquisite moment before the first kiss, when he's a foot away but you can feel the air between you tickling your nose and cheeks, and your lips twitch with a smile, and your toes scrunch up. First kisses are magical.

And you'll wake up next to him the next morning and open the curtains, and every word to Elbow's One Day will soar through your mind, because the world will be alive with possibility, and it might all go to shit, but possibility feels glorious.

There is so much good stuff ahead. Just get through the nuts and bolts of this, for now.

Of course he’s fucked her.

You ask 'how can I save this'? I ask 'why do you want to'? Your H has shown himself to be a useless self centred piece of shit who doesn't value or appreciate you. You should be delighted to have a chance to be free of him and hopefully trade off the fact that for approximately 5 minutes he will be feeling guilty enough to not try to completely screw you over in a divorce.

Take advantage of that 5 minute window. Tell him you are thrilled that he has found the one and send him off on his business trip with a smile but with the barb that of course he can't come back after this and you'll be going straight to your solicitor to file for divorce. He will hate that. It will ruin his trip. Even if he ultimately wants a divorce he will want to control the timing and the narrative.

Then actually do what you what have told him. Get your ducks in a row and move on. Don't do anything at all to facilitate his life. If he is used to magic fairies washing, ironing, cooking and cleaning he'll have a shock when he's out of undies. OW can wash them for him. That'll take the shine off things for her.

Your dcs will not thrive in an environment where there is bitterness and disrespect between you. It will give them all the wrong messages about how a healthy relationship looks. Show them how to be strong and demand respect so they can model those values when they grow up. Please don't be a doormat and beg him to come home. It teaches them to do the same. Would you want that for them? Of course not.

You can do this. You do everything at home already. Or at least 90% of it. Without him you'll have one less person to pander to and run about after. You'll probably find yourself less stressed and wrung out than when he is there 'to help'.

I've been where you are. I grovelled and ran round in circles trying to convince him I'd be better and it would be fine and I was so sorry he was feeling unloved blah blah. Honest to god, it was desperate, a real low point. Then I got fed up and thought sod this and held my head and handed him the papers. The 180 he did was so fast he made himself dizzy. Take control! You CAN do this, it will be the making of you and it will teach your dcs invaluable life skills. Everyone on here is 100% behind you and and a sorry number of us have lived this story and come out stronger. You're not a victim here, you're the boss. Keep telling yourself that. Sending love and strength.

I'm so sorry OP. He has already left the marriage. So yes, he will absolutely be intimate with this other woman, if she is up for it. Because you're separated, and he was right to end it with you before taking that step. If he has waited, that is.

He hasn't left the children, he's left the marriage. And it's really crucial for your children's mental wellbeing long term that you never badmouth him, or get in the way of contact, or say or do anything that implies the marriage ending is in any way impacting upon his role as their father. They will thank you for it in the long run. However hurt you are, this is between the two of you, and not your children.

The new relationship will probably crash and burn when he realises going from two upset kids to five with a recently divorced woman isn't a picnic, but either way it sounds like it's for the best you've separated, it wasn't a happy marriage and if it was going to improve I hate to say it, but it probably would have done. Or either of you would have suggested marriage counselling. Anything to work on it rather than trudge through things endlessly.

I'm really sorry, you'll be in shock right now, and that's okay. In a couple of weeks you'll start to feel a bit calmer. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, lean on the friends that love you, and start looking at practicalities like living arrangements. You will be absolutely fine.

My ex also quite quickly said he wanted 50/50. He actually initially said he thought the DC would be better off mainly with me and that he'd appreciate them more if he didn't see them every day (no words) so the 50/50 request really shook me. I couldn't argue with it, because he was in a position to do it.

It was totally awful at first, OP, and he was very snappy and rude to the DC when he had to manage them single-handed in his time. He didn't move out for a long time, so I did get to witness what his solo parenting looked like and it wasn't pretty.

Like a PP mentioned, I have really forced the 50/50 on everything as far as possible. I probably do slightly more than half of appointments. Mainly because I get more information that way. And I do virtually all admin for DC, but I do get XH to attend half of scheduled medical appointments (both DC see orthodontist regularly for braces), we pay 50/50 for clubs etc.

Several years down the line, I would never nominate him for any father of the year awards, but he's much more involved with the DC than when we were together. It's probably given the DC a better relationship with XH. I still feel like I miss out. Nobody ever sets out to see their children only half the week.

On the other hand, I've got my own life and routine when DC are with XH, and I'm much, much happier in myself.

It is hard, but you do get used to new arrangements and it gets better.

The Script is more of the same. It is hardly surprising that ANYONE, not just men, when trying to explain why they are unhappy in their relationship or why they cheated, will say largely the same thing. I absolutely despise this notion that men are a different species who you can only understand if you have an instruction manual. Of course there are patterns, because people are human. But according to a sizeable cohort on here, literally everything a man says is "the Script", like they're a hive mind not people.

I just took a look at the website and the first piece I saw was about a friend who was insisting that the OP's ex was still a good dad. And the response was predictably pure tosh. If people feels it helps them, fine I suppose but it's not for me and I hate how it's trotted out here with religious zeal.

Oh, dear. I'm sorry you are going through this. Your marriage is over. He is lying about there never being anything physical. People lie.