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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has left, Emotional Affair with Colleague, Can I save this?

358 replies

BarnabyRocks · 04/12/2025 07:06

Husband of 14 years left 3 weeks ago, just told me he'd had enough, was unhappy, wanted to end it. Up and left to go stay with his sister, totally blindsided and devastated. We haven't been happy in our relationship for years, we have 2 young children and I have been in the trenches as it were with them, he has been head down, concentrating on his business. I have done the lion share of the care/parenting/house etc, you know the drill, working part time around their needs, feeling like I'm drowning or on a constant treadmill. We have no support from parents either side. This has caused resentments over the years with very few concessions from him, or admitting he should help more. He has been working extremely hard on his business, has had periods of burnout and dizzy spells and had reluctantly admitted (since he left) that he had been focussing on this and not us. I will admit we have had a dreadful communication style between us, with me pleading for help at times, him being defensive and dismissive, sulking on both sides then very little repair, just a gradually going back to normal after a few weeks, he has ot slightly better over time, helping a bit more, but it wasn't enough and he has said he felt that whatever he did was never good enough. I have been carrying lots of 'scars' from when I have felt let down and unsupported by him, he I think has felt unloved by me. On top of the communication style, I have been going through the menopause with all of the dreadful symptoms, including not wanting to be touched or intimate. He knew this but I admit I had been keeping a lot of how I was feeling to myself, as is my style plus through almost burnout myself, and just getting my head down and getting on with the jobs that needed doing.

My 2 kids are traumatised by him leaving, we have just been getting by. In his leaving speech to me,after some pressure from me, he admitted he has declared feelings for a married colleague and she has told him the same, that she is also leaving an unhappy marriage with her 3 children, he has assured me that nothing physical has happened but I'm not convinced. They are going to be at the same event together next week for 2 days/1 night. He knows I know this, it has been planned for 6 months, a work thing. He keeps saying 'nothing has happened', 'I haven't gone behind your back', but I think, as he's already told me he wants out and has left, that mentally he will think if something happens physically, that that won't be cheating. I'm not sure how I am going to cope with these two days, knowing they will be together. I still love him, I still want to try to work things out. We are in a dreadful place. We talked 2 days ago, the first time properly since he left, both admitting how we had been feeling for years and it turns out he thought I had been treating him like a doormat and I thought the exact same of him, we just hadn't been expressing it to each other or accepting each others feelings. Although I have tried in the past, this would, I felt, fall on deaf ears.

He has said his reason for ending it has got nothing to do with the other woman, and is purely because he is so unhappy in our relationship. That it is just a coincidence that she is also leaving at the same time..

How can I tell him not to take that step next week when they are together, and do anything physical with her? Should I? I know this will appear like I'm begging him but I love him and I cannot bear the thought of him kissing or being with another person. If I don't say anything, I think he will take that as my knowing he is going to do something anyway, that because he's already told me he's leaving, he can do it with a clearer conscience. I want him back, or at the very least, I want him to not take that step with her, so we can work on our relationship, even if it's just so we can not damage it further, but I don't know if me telling him that will push him further away?

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 04/12/2025 12:29

You’ll damage your children far more by trying to stay with someone who doesn’t love you.

askmenow · 04/12/2025 12:33

Franklyannoyed · 04/12/2025 12:27

They are also her kids, she is not the nanny, do not treat her as such,

Show quote history

The OP ha been treated like a nanny by her OH. As do many men....think their children are all the wives responsibility!

I wonder if he's been topping up her pension contributions while OP has been doing the lions share of child rearing and sacrificing her own career opportunities.

SlugoftheLimberlost · 04/12/2025 12:35

Bloozie · 04/12/2025 12:07

My love... I have been in exactly the same place as you. Exactly. I could have written what you wrote.

So I know that me telling you to walk away with your head held high will fall on deaf ears, because I didn't. I, like you, was desperate to save the marriage, for the sake of our young son and also because our marriage was all I had ever known and I was petrified. I did everything I could to try and make my then-husband stay - but it takes two people to save a marriage, you both have to WANT to, and it has to be salvageable.

With all the love in the world, your marriage isn't. Your husband has mentally and physically checked out. And he may well realise the grass isn't greener - my ex-husband did - but I sincerely hope that, like me, you get to the point where you realise there's no going back, and so if he ever comes back to you expressing regret, you can share that regret (because it IS sad), but gently say that there's no going back.

My ex-husband married the woman he was having an affair with - like your husband, he denied it vehemently but his friends told me the truth. And bitterly regretted it. Was miserable for most of their marriage. It ended in divorce.

All I can say is, you will be fine. More than fine - you will be HAPPY. Free of a relationship that, for whatever reason, wasn't right for you. People change - especially when children are added to the mix. You either grow together, or you grow apart. You guys grew apart. It's really sad, but it happens.

You will be absolutely fine. You will discover that life is easier on your own when you're not resenting someone 24/7, even if practically there are some sticking points. You will be forced to expand your social circle or hobbies and actually discover a whole different you in there, that you didn't know was there and wouldn't have come out under the shelter/confinement of your marriage. You will - if you're like me - have a doomed, wildly romantic relationship with a devastatingly handsome, charming man who takes your breath away with his magnificence, and then marry a man who takes your breath away with his love and care and attentiveness.

But more importantly, your children will also be fine. It might not be what you planned for their future - and god knows I still hate that for my son - but he is FINE. He is just walking up the drive now coming home from college, sticking his tongue out at me and waving (my desk is in the window). He has a good relationship with his dad, and with me, and his step-dad, and his new step-mum. He's doing well at college. He's the happiest, sunniest person I know.

It will all be OK.

This bit is utterly SHIT.

In 6 months' time, you'll feel infinitely better.

You can do this. x

What a great post. Please take heart from these words, OP.

Luckyingame · 04/12/2025 12:35

Of course nobody deserves unhappy, loveless marriage.
Why should one unhappy person be able to walk away though and "start over where the grass is greener", while the other one stays - because they have very little choice? (Children).
These kids do need a stable home, so the person choosing to walk away loses the house. It's usually not the wife.

VividZebra · 04/12/2025 12:37

You could be me 15 years ago, OP, so I'm going to tell you two things. One, this will be all right - your life will work out and be fine, even though you are in the most unbearable pain right now. Two, this is not on you. He is gaslighting you horribly, making you feel like 'he couldn't do enough' 'you didn't love him' blah blah blah. What's happened is he's met someone and thinks she's the answer to all of his prayers, and a justification for walking out on his wife and kids. A big day of karma is coming for him. If you can, possibly, do not engage with him WHATSOEVER, apart from essential communication regarding children. Do not beg, do not plead, DO NOT PLAY THE 'PICK ME' game. You have been horrifically treated and he is not fit to breathe the same air as you. Reach out to family or a trusted friend and confide everything. See your doctor if you need to. And above all, make appointments with all of the good family solicitors in your area for a free, 30-minute consultation (they all offer them). This is 'getting your ducks in a row'. Importantly DO NOT TELL HIM ANYTHING ABOUT THIS. If he thinks you are being proactive he may start salting money away to hide it in the case of divorce. All of this is horrendous, OP, but you can and will thrive.

CocksBolingey · 04/12/2025 12:38

"When people show you who they are, believe them" ~ Maya Angelou

He has made his decision. As painful as it is right now, you will look back and be glad he did. I can assure you.
You are going through hell right now, but just keep going.
Hugs 💐

VelociraptorsVelociRapping · 04/12/2025 12:38

I'm so sorry, OP. I was exactly where you are now about 18 months ago. The pain was physical - it sat in my chest and my stomach and at times would radiate down my legs. It will get better, I promise.

He's already gone. There's nothing to save. I insisted on some couples' counselling and although I found it helpful (including some solo sessions for myself) it was too little, too late to make any difference to the marriage.

Focus on yourself and your children. Tell your closest confidants and accept their support. There will be people who will show up for you and children and serve as your rocks over the next little while, and it may not be whom you expect. Get legal advice and take any and all measures necessary to protect yourself and the children financially.

I'm eighteen months down the line and I would never have believed how happy I am right now. I didn't know how desperately unhappy I was. In my case my STBXH did me a favour, but my eternal sadness will be that he ended the marriage in a deeply cowardly way which destroyed all of the respect and affection that I ever held for him. Nevertheless the final result has been genuine indifference both to him and to the OW.

You will come through this and you will be so much happier for it. I'm sending you strength and love.

usedtobeaylis · 04/12/2025 12:41

It fucks me off when men don't do anything anywhere near 50/50 in their marriage but want it at the point of divorce. Especially when their wife has been drowning and begging them to step up for years.

I'm sorry OP and I hope it turns out be a good thing for you and that you move on and find some happiness.

teaandtoastwouldbenice · 04/12/2025 12:43

It’s a huge shock but it sounds very much like he has made his decision, I guess the work colleague has promoted this but he is being clear that he is also leaving for other reasons.
To both leave their respective marriages it suggests, the affair is already significant- physical or not. It’s going to be really painful to face that reality when he’s away but don’t beg.

AxolotlEars · 04/12/2025 12:44

He lied....he DID go behind your back

Netcurtainnelly · 04/12/2025 12:47

Why dont people go to marriage guidance counselling anymore or relate i believe its called now.
I think you could have worked things out, without throwing in the towel.
There is no guarantee hes going to be happier with this new woman.
Actually sounds more stressful. Lots of kids are going to have their lives changed.

Lebkuched · 04/12/2025 12:47

@Bloozie what a beautiful and painful post. Your words brought tears to my eyes. Your ds and new dh are lucky to have you

Sassylovesbooks · 04/12/2025 12:49

I agree with others, your husband has already checked out of your marriage. People don't leave a marriage because they've had a few conversations with another person. To have built up to declaring their love for one another, and leaving their respective spouses, means their relationship is much more than 'talking'. Men rarely leave a marriage unless there's another woman waiting in the wings. They're supposedly renting separate properties, which is likely for appearance sakes, so they can both tell friends/family that they weren't cheating on their spouses. Your husband is desperately trying to not look like the 'bad person'. There's no marriage to salvage in my opinion. By your own admission the relationship hasn't been good for several years. Don't do the 'pick me' dance - hold your head up high and let him go. Your priority now is you and your children, not your husband. He's no longer on your team, and doesn't have your interests at heart. Gather as much financial information and seek legal advice. Your husband wants 50/50 - that means 50% of everything, not just the kids staying at his house! You may find he changes his tune, when he realises it's 50% of school runs, GP/Dental appointments, sickness days, paying for clothing/uniform, school holidays etc!!

GloriaMonday · 04/12/2025 12:50

@Netcurtainnelly Marriage counselling won't fix a marriage when a man thinking with his dick.

liamharha · 04/12/2025 12:52

BarnabyRocks · 04/12/2025 07:06

Husband of 14 years left 3 weeks ago, just told me he'd had enough, was unhappy, wanted to end it. Up and left to go stay with his sister, totally blindsided and devastated. We haven't been happy in our relationship for years, we have 2 young children and I have been in the trenches as it were with them, he has been head down, concentrating on his business. I have done the lion share of the care/parenting/house etc, you know the drill, working part time around their needs, feeling like I'm drowning or on a constant treadmill. We have no support from parents either side. This has caused resentments over the years with very few concessions from him, or admitting he should help more. He has been working extremely hard on his business, has had periods of burnout and dizzy spells and had reluctantly admitted (since he left) that he had been focussing on this and not us. I will admit we have had a dreadful communication style between us, with me pleading for help at times, him being defensive and dismissive, sulking on both sides then very little repair, just a gradually going back to normal after a few weeks, he has ot slightly better over time, helping a bit more, but it wasn't enough and he has said he felt that whatever he did was never good enough. I have been carrying lots of 'scars' from when I have felt let down and unsupported by him, he I think has felt unloved by me. On top of the communication style, I have been going through the menopause with all of the dreadful symptoms, including not wanting to be touched or intimate. He knew this but I admit I had been keeping a lot of how I was feeling to myself, as is my style plus through almost burnout myself, and just getting my head down and getting on with the jobs that needed doing.

My 2 kids are traumatised by him leaving, we have just been getting by. In his leaving speech to me,after some pressure from me, he admitted he has declared feelings for a married colleague and she has told him the same, that she is also leaving an unhappy marriage with her 3 children, he has assured me that nothing physical has happened but I'm not convinced. They are going to be at the same event together next week for 2 days/1 night. He knows I know this, it has been planned for 6 months, a work thing. He keeps saying 'nothing has happened', 'I haven't gone behind your back', but I think, as he's already told me he wants out and has left, that mentally he will think if something happens physically, that that won't be cheating. I'm not sure how I am going to cope with these two days, knowing they will be together. I still love him, I still want to try to work things out. We are in a dreadful place. We talked 2 days ago, the first time properly since he left, both admitting how we had been feeling for years and it turns out he thought I had been treating him like a doormat and I thought the exact same of him, we just hadn't been expressing it to each other or accepting each others feelings. Although I have tried in the past, this would, I felt, fall on deaf ears.

He has said his reason for ending it has got nothing to do with the other woman, and is purely because he is so unhappy in our relationship. That it is just a coincidence that she is also leaving at the same time..

How can I tell him not to take that step next week when they are together, and do anything physical with her? Should I? I know this will appear like I'm begging him but I love him and I cannot bear the thought of him kissing or being with another person. If I don't say anything, I think he will take that as my knowing he is going to do something anyway, that because he's already told me he's leaving, he can do it with a clearer conscience. I want him back, or at the very least, I want him to not take that step with her, so we can work on our relationship, even if it's just so we can not damage it further, but I don't know if me telling him that will push him further away?

My husband left me with 3 children and 5 mths pregnant for another woman ,it was absolutely devastating at the time 15 years on I still have trauma over it .
My advice try not to make decisions made on emotions and I know that's hard .
Believe the new relationship shine soon wears off and on day you will think of him with nothing more than a eye roll ,as unlikely as it feels now you will get over it and be happier .
He's saying 50/50 custody ,,take this with a pinch of salt ,esp has he rarely does 50/50 at home with you .
Just take a deep breath and try to think practically and what's in your best interests for the future without him cos it is over op ,,he's trying to let you down gently by saying nothing physical has gone on and let's be honest if he had any desire to fix your marriage he would not have divulged any information he's hoping you don't ask him to try again .

Bloozie · 04/12/2025 12:52

BarnabyRocks · 04/12/2025 12:13

Thank you so, so much for your reply, my kids are truly amazing and we have the best bond.

You ladies of Mumsnet are lifting me up today when I honestly thought I couldn't make it through 💔♥

Show quote history

This bit is the worst bit. The bit where you're still hoping, and where you don't know what will happen next.

My advice would be to take control over what happens next. The certainty will make you feel better, because even if it's shit, it's shit that you are in control of, rather than you husband. You need to take back control (ha!) - he's calling all the shots and you're dangling, and that's not good.

It will go against every fibre of your being, but start planning life without him. Start reshaping what will happen at Christmas, for example. Make plans for every weekend with the kids - keep yourself busy (not hard at this time of the year).

It is perfectly possible to maintain a narrative with your husband that is - "This isn't what I want. I don't agree with this decision, I don't think we've tried hard enough, and we should, for the sake of our kids if nothing else. I want our marriage to work and I'm here when you're ready to talk.

"But I'm not spending the next few weeks living in limbo - it isn't fair on me, or the kids. So this is how it's going to be. In the short term, no overnights with you - they spend the weekends with me, and they will be with me and my family at Christmas. This isn't negotiable. They need home right now, their own beds and stability, and quite frankly, I need them. You made this bed, now you have to lie in it.

"They still really need to see you though - when can you come over to put them to bed/take them to club/go and see the reindeer/whatever?

"Let's take some time and space to think about us and pick it up in the New Year. I miss you, and I love you, but I love me too - so let's just get through the next few weeks."

MustWeDoThis · 04/12/2025 12:53

BarnabyRocks · 04/12/2025 11:39

Thank you, great advice. I really do not know where to start with this at all.
I am terrified about not seeing them, as I've been the one who gets them up, to school, does the pick up, majority of after school everything, bed times. I know they need to see their dad but I feel like he's taken control and made all of the decisions so far, including telling me he wants them 50/50. I have a good friend who's been through a divorce with an absolute nobber, so I'm going to ask her to help me.

Show quote history

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP :( . Especially at this time of year when everything seems doubly hard and it should be a happy time, but it's not.

You have done so much of the parenting, for such a long time, his leaving might not make that much of a difference. I think you need to see this part as a positive - You've parented like a single parent, from the start. You'll have no problem continuing to do this. You're already smashing the parenting part!

Let him have them 50/50 - That might be what he needs to wake up and smell the coffee. It could be a good dose of reality and he'll realise your weight in gold, but it'll be too late.

Get your ducks in a row and apply for UC, online - That's first on your list if you don't have a claim already. If you don't need it, or think you aren't entitled; it's always good to have a Null claim for when any capital decreases.

Talk to your workplace about increasing your hours (If that's something you want to do to help you financially/just work school hours). UC pay 85% childminding fees, or have their Dad do all school-runs and drop-offs (these are just things you might be able to control on a list of things out of your control).

Tell the other woman's husband, tell her friends, make sure everyone knows the details of this story. Maybe tell the school yard mum's? Take both the bastards down, then get yourself a little black revenge dress and shg her husband. Shg their Dad's as well, if they're still alive and fit 😉. Has he got a brother? Does she have a brother? You deserve to have a bit of fun out of all this!

Either way, it would be awesome if you told her husband and you both clicked.

Your husband knows an awful lot about what this other woman is doing, considering nothing has happened. Very convenient! It sounds like they have bonded over their mutual ground of unhappy marriages, so this sounds doomed from the start. So, sit back and watch their worlds crumble. Get your friends together, get them to do the dirty work of destroying them both, and take him to the cleaners.

You've got this, you're gonna do this, you don't have a choice, you'll come out shining.

GloriaMonday · 04/12/2025 12:53

Please go away @Outside9 . You are antagonistic.

VividZebra · 04/12/2025 12:57

Meant to add, seeing ALL THE SOLICITORS is a power-play, as none of them will be able to act for him if they've had a meeting with you. As you've been bringing up the kids (not working?), you will be entitled to not only child maintenance, but spousal maintenance until the kids are 18, plus 50% of everything - house, his pensions, the business, ANY ASSETS whatsoever. He will hate that and be doing everything to hide money from you so he can spend it on his princess.

LemonDrizzleKay · 04/12/2025 13:01

It doesn't matter if they have already had sex or not, they are in a relationship. She has left her family - for a woman to do this it is an indication of how serious this is. It's up to you if you contact her husband or not. He might have information that you don't have.

Regarding your cunt of a husband: Yes, i know he deserves happiness, but his family deserved his commitment to sorting things out for his current wife and children before he sodded off. That he did so just before Christmas shows just what level of cunt he is. Great time the children are going to have. They should be his first priority. This is a man who cares only for himself and you are well shot of the bastard.

Original poster
BarnabyRocks · 04/12/2025 13:06

MustWeDoThis · 04/12/2025 12:53

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP :( . Especially at this time of year when everything seems doubly hard and it should be a happy time, but it's not.

You have done so much of the parenting, for such a long time, his leaving might not make that much of a difference. I think you need to see this part as a positive - You've parented like a single parent, from the start. You'll have no problem continuing to do this. You're already smashing the parenting part!

Let him have them 50/50 - That might be what he needs to wake up and smell the coffee. It could be a good dose of reality and he'll realise your weight in gold, but it'll be too late.

Get your ducks in a row and apply for UC, online - That's first on your list if you don't have a claim already. If you don't need it, or think you aren't entitled; it's always good to have a Null claim for when any capital decreases.

Talk to your workplace about increasing your hours (If that's something you want to do to help you financially/just work school hours). UC pay 85% childminding fees, or have their Dad do all school-runs and drop-offs (these are just things you might be able to control on a list of things out of your control).

Tell the other woman's husband, tell her friends, make sure everyone knows the details of this story. Maybe tell the school yard mum's? Take both the bastards down, then get yourself a little black revenge dress and shg her husband. Shg their Dad's as well, if they're still alive and fit 😉. Has he got a brother? Does she have a brother? You deserve to have a bit of fun out of all this!

Either way, it would be awesome if you told her husband and you both clicked.

Your husband knows an awful lot about what this other woman is doing, considering nothing has happened. Very convenient! It sounds like they have bonded over their mutual ground of unhappy marriages, so this sounds doomed from the start. So, sit back and watch their worlds crumble. Get your friends together, get them to do the dirty work of destroying them both, and take him to the cleaners.

You've got this, you're gonna do this, you don't have a choice, you'll come out shining.

Show quote history

I don't intend on shagging anyone ever again, but thank you, this made me laugh out loud for the first time in ages :)

OP posts:
FailMeOnce · 04/12/2025 13:06

Netcurtainnelly · 04/12/2025 12:47

Why dont people go to marriage guidance counselling anymore or relate i believe its called now.
I think you could have worked things out, without throwing in the towel.
There is no guarantee hes going to be happier with this new woman.
Actually sounds more stressful. Lots of kids are going to have their lives changed.

If that is aimed at the OP, I suggest you read her first two posts. You will see that her inclinations tended exactly that way, not least out of concern for her children and the change in their lives. Her husband, in the other hand, has already quite literally checked out and is renting a flat.

His happiness or misery with the new woman is entirely his own affair, and not for OP to manage. If he doesn't know his own good, that is his responsibility as an adult.

If your comments are aimed at the husband and admonishing him for not trying to make it work, carry on!

Tartanboots · 04/12/2025 13:09

MustWeDoThis · 04/12/2025 12:53

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP :( . Especially at this time of year when everything seems doubly hard and it should be a happy time, but it's not.

You have done so much of the parenting, for such a long time, his leaving might not make that much of a difference. I think you need to see this part as a positive - You've parented like a single parent, from the start. You'll have no problem continuing to do this. You're already smashing the parenting part!

Let him have them 50/50 - That might be what he needs to wake up and smell the coffee. It could be a good dose of reality and he'll realise your weight in gold, but it'll be too late.

Get your ducks in a row and apply for UC, online - That's first on your list if you don't have a claim already. If you don't need it, or think you aren't entitled; it's always good to have a Null claim for when any capital decreases.

Talk to your workplace about increasing your hours (If that's something you want to do to help you financially/just work school hours). UC pay 85% childminding fees, or have their Dad do all school-runs and drop-offs (these are just things you might be able to control on a list of things out of your control).

Tell the other woman's husband, tell her friends, make sure everyone knows the details of this story. Maybe tell the school yard mum's? Take both the bastards down, then get yourself a little black revenge dress and shg her husband. Shg their Dad's as well, if they're still alive and fit 😉. Has he got a brother? Does she have a brother? You deserve to have a bit of fun out of all this!

Either way, it would be awesome if you told her husband and you both clicked.

Your husband knows an awful lot about what this other woman is doing, considering nothing has happened. Very convenient! It sounds like they have bonded over their mutual ground of unhappy marriages, so this sounds doomed from the start. So, sit back and watch their worlds crumble. Get your friends together, get them to do the dirty work of destroying them both, and take him to the cleaners.

You've got this, you're gonna do this, you don't have a choice, you'll come out shining.

Show quote history

You're telling the OP to shag the OW's husband? And father?! And her BIL? Really?
This would be utterly insane.

ThatCyanCat · 04/12/2025 13:11

Tartanboots · 04/12/2025 13:09

You're telling the OP to shag the OW's husband? And father?! And her BIL? Really?
This would be utterly insane.

Show quote history

I'm pretty sure it was a joke.

TediousMansplainer · 04/12/2025 13:13

You sound like a good person OP, I am very sorry that this happened to you. I'm sad to say I agree with all those who said it sounds like your marriage is over. You have been looking after two young kids without much support while suffering in an unhappy relationship, I am sure you have much more emotional strength than you might think at the moment. It's easy for me to say but I suggest as far as possible you spend some time with people who really care about you, and you look after yourself. You deserve much better than the relationship you had with your husband, and hopefully better times will come in the future, although I'm sure it doesn't feel like that right now. Good luck!