Husband has left, Emotional Affair with Colleague, Can I save this?

[BarnabyRocks]

Husband of 14 years left 3 weeks ago, just told me he'd had enough, was unhappy, wanted to end it. Up and left to go stay with his sister, totally blindsided and devastated. We haven't been happy in our relationship for years, we have 2 young children and I have been in the trenches as it were with them, he has been head down, concentrating on his business. I have done the lion share of the care/parenting/house etc, you know the drill, working part time around their needs, feeling like I'm drowning or on a constant treadmill. We have no support from parents either side. This has caused resentments over the years with very few concessions from him, or admitting he should help more. He has been working extremely hard on his business, has had periods of burnout and dizzy spells and had reluctantly admitted (since he left) that he had been focussing on this and not us. I will admit we have had a dreadful communication style between us, with me pleading for help at times, him being defensive and dismissive, sulking on both sides then very little repair, just a gradually going back to normal after a few weeks, he has ot slightly better over time, helping a bit more, but it wasn't enough and he has said he felt that whatever he did was never good enough. I have been carrying lots of 'scars' from when I have felt let down and unsupported by him, he I think has felt unloved by me. On top of the communication style, I have been going through the menopause with all of the dreadful symptoms, including not wanting to be touched or intimate. He knew this but I admit I had been keeping a lot of how I was feeling to myself, as is my style plus through almost burnout myself, and just getting my head down and getting on with the jobs that needed doing.

My 2 kids are traumatised by him leaving, we have just been getting by. In his leaving speech to me,after some pressure from me, he admitted he has declared feelings for a married colleague and she has told him the same, that she is also leaving an unhappy marriage with her 3 children, he has assured me that nothing physical has happened but I'm not convinced. They are going to be at the same event together next week for 2 days/1 night. He knows I know this, it has been planned for 6 months, a work thing. He keeps saying 'nothing has happened', 'I haven't gone behind your back', but I think, as he's already told me he wants out and has left, that mentally he will think if something happens physically, that that won't be cheating. I'm not sure how I am going to cope with these two days, knowing they will be together. I still love him, I still want to try to work things out. We are in a dreadful place. We talked 2 days ago, the first time properly since he left, both admitting how we had been feeling for years and it turns out he thought I had been treating him like a doormat and I thought the exact same of him, we just hadn't been expressing it to each other or accepting each others feelings. Although I have tried in the past, this would, I felt, fall on deaf ears.

He has said his reason for ending it has got nothing to do with the other woman, and is purely because he is so unhappy in our relationship. That it is just a coincidence that she is also leaving at the same time..

How can I tell him not to take that step next week when they are together, and do anything physical with her? Should I? I know this will appear like I'm begging him but I love him and I cannot bear the thought of him kissing or being with another person. If I don't say anything, I think he will take that as my knowing he is going to do something anyway, that because he's already told me he's leaving, he can do it with a clearer conscience. I want him back, or at the very least, I want him to not take that step with her, so we can work on our relationship, even if it's just so we can not damage it further, but I don't know if me telling him that will push him further away?

But she fully admits they were both deeply unhappy.

I understand infidelity is a big deal and mentioning it on here is like waving a red flag in front of an angry bull and people can’t see past it, but it’s important to at least play lip service to what the op has said. They were both unhappy in the marriage. This wasn’t they happily loved each other and he cheated and dumped her. This is too unhappy people in a bad marriage.

So?

I really do feel for you OP and I don't mean this unkindly, but so much of your posts are about how you felt with very little consideration as to how he felt. If he was posting here I am certain he would tell a similar tale of feeling unsupported and rejected. You admit yourself that the marriage lacked any physical intimacy or affection. I suspect both of you are to blame for how bad things have become and perhaps with time and distance you will both be able to realise how you let each other down and learn to be better partners in future.

I think counselling is a good idea. I hope you and your husband can eventually be friendly towards each other for the sake of the children.

@BeaRightThere , because her husband was always at work and shagging/planning to shag another woman.

If the genders were reversed, and a woman posted she’d been unhappily married for a long time, they both were unhappy there was no intimacy, no joy, in the marriage, and she was deeply unhappy, but she’d met someone else, had feelings but nothing happened yet, and she felt she had to exit the marriage,

no one would be frothing at the mouth saying she had to stay and calling her all sorts. But because it’s the man, a potential of cheating, some posters are so over the top , from wanting her to weaponise her own children to making it as acrimonious as possible, to get as angry as possible, to do as much damage as possible. It’s awful

@BarnabyRocks

Have you scheduled that solicitor appointment yet? You really, really need to do that ASAP. Take one of your siblings with you. Pick the most 'level headed' one who will take notes and ask the questions you don't think to ask.

I cannot stress how important this is.

He’s a complete fuckwit and you deserve better. He’s not who you think he is @BarnabyRocks . Big big Hugo to you xxxx he’s been a shit dad and a shit husband. Let him go. There is a better one out there for you!!! Xxxx

Having read all your posts @BarnabyRocks theres no way in hell he will really want or manage 50/50. So I probably wouldn’t worry about that. I think you’ve a very good leg to stand on aswell that he isn’t an involved parent in the day to day.

Hope you have made a solicitor's appointment. Keep breathing 💝 some amazing advice on this thread from people who have been there and come out the other side SO much better. Do whatever you need to do at this time to keep sane and be kind to yourself. Xxxx

You need to think through what this type of ultimatum can lead to and why that could be bad for you. The house doesn’t belong to you, it is a marital asset. But if you want to claim occupation rights and exclude him whilst claiming child support he may well tell you to pay the mortgage and all the costs.

He might do that anyway. But if he has nothing to lose in the immediate term he could do quicker than you think. You should also not touch his stuff anymore than you have to.

TBF she wasn't shagging him. Or showing him any affection or love. It isn't the case that this was a happy marriage and the OP was betrayed and deceived. They were both miserable by her own admission.

This is exactly what I was thinking, I think you need to accept that your marriage is irreparably broken.
There is no need for this ridiculous name calling like @babyproblems has stated.
He has done the right thing in leaving, you now have a chance to rebuild your life, it’s hard, but if he has fallen out of love there’s no turning back.

I disagree.
Yes the home is still a marital asset.
But he has moved out. It is no longer his home.
By default the OP is now the occupier. By default it is her home now (at least until the divorce settlement).

Yes he could tell her to pay the mortgage. Equally, she could put in a CMS claim immediately.
Plus if she defaulted on the mortgage, he would suffer as much, so it is in his interest to make sure it continues to be paid for now, pending settlement. It is not true that he has nothing to lose.

Bagging up his stuff for him is doing a service for him, she is actually helping him. She is only expecting him to take it a bag at a time. She is not chucking all his stuff out on the lawn.

@BarnabyRocks Grey rock is the right way to go. Don't talk about anything except practical day-by-day arrangements for the children (not the final arrangements, just when is he seeing them this week or this weekend.)

If you get petty and only talk via solicitors you will just rack up a huge bill.
But equally you are right to not talk about you-and-him, not talk about the relationship, and only talk about money for immediate needs, not the end financial settlement.

Consider at what point you want to ask him for maintenance - again a temporary amount, not the final agreement. If he is reasonable, you could arrange it with him directly, otherwise go through CMS. It may ease the conversation if you ask for specific things, like can he take them shopping for winter clothes and winter shoes, and pay the school lunch money.

Do you have any joint accounts? Take half of what is in any savings accounts, and contact the bank to have your name taken off the joint current account (assuming it is not overdrawn - you may have to clear an overdraft before taking your name off).
If you work, pay a reasonable amount into the 'now-not-joint' current account to cover a fair share of the direct debits for household bills and mortgage, which may not be half if you don't earn much.
Essentially you need to split your day-to-day finances now, pending a divorce settlement which could be months away.

If you are really short of money, consider Universal Credit.

Nothing wrong with only thinking or dreaming about beating someone up! I'd highly recommend taking up boxing or a similar sport. It's nice to channel those feelings of aggression into something productive that makes your stronger and healthier.

I'm going to defend BeaRightThere somewhat, because while I wouldn't have put it like that, I also cringe at the amount of support that Chumplady gets on MN.

Chumplady has made an income out of telling people exactly what they want to hear, when they are vulnerable. I think she has some useful suggestions but her outlook is based on stereotypes and caricatures. I would caution against relying heavily on it in the same way I would a bottle of wine - it might be useful as a short-term way of coping but it's not very grounded in reality and long-term I don't think it's healthy. I'm glad that I didn't read any Chumplady until some after I was cheated on - I can see the appeal and I think I could have got stuck in a self-righteous but ultimately destructive pattern, rather than understanding what happened and moving on.

I don't want to derail the OP's thread with an argument about it - I know Chumplady is very popular on here so others will feel differently.

OP - I'm very sorry that this has happened to you and I wish you all the best.

That makes no sense, he can move back in. Using the term home doesn’t change th4 fact it’s equally his property.

@ThisHorse , I've not looked at Chumplady but 'the script' helped me get my head round what happened when a LTR broke down.

I think there are clear patterns of behaviour common to the break-ups, and understanding why he was saying the things he said helped me process it.

(OP's situation will be far more complicated than mine was.)

For whatever reason, he’s lying to you about OW. So few men leave their wives with nobody else to go to. Some do from what I read in MN but they are rare as hen’s teeth and I’ve yet to come across one in my personal experience. Friends, friends of friends that this has happened to have all discovered at some point that hey presto, another woman shows up almost immediately. One man swore he was depressed, didn’t deserve his wife and family and wasn’t good for them any more, needed space and counselling etc. He was dating a woman twenty years his junior in his company within a month and married her as soon as the divorce came through. Somebody told his wife during the divorce that he’d been having an affair with a woman at work for months before he left home.
All your husband’s reasons for going are irrelevant now and questionable anyway.
Marriages go through rough times, good times and even incredibly rough times and if both want it they can be repaired, nobody feels like that about the other person when they decide to marry them, a good marriage/ bad marriage depends on the two people in it. The thing is that both parties need to own it, see where it got lost and went wrong and both really want to get it back on track. Even bad marriages aren’t lost causes until they are, so I understand your desire to repair, it’s never impossible, but it is if you’re the only one doing it.
He’s already voted with his feet unfortunately and you’re right to accept his leaving and let him. He doesn’t want to work on this and says he is done, so you are absolutely doing the right thing.
Head up high OP, you didn’t run away when it hit tough, he did.

I agree because these men will make you out to be the biggest bitch alive to validate themselves.

Sometimes,this happened to me years ago I was desperately unhappy and my neighbour and I got very close,we used to go for coffee for a drink there was no sex but it was very intense it didn't last I realised it was because of my unhappiness, so really I was unfaithful in my mind,which maybe this is what happened to your husband as you both were desperately unhappy.I think you should both move forward life's too short to be unhappy,and I found happiness it just takes courage my parents loved each other so deeply and this is what I wanted so I felt I had failed,but counselling did help so keep going you will get there

And women will do the same. It's not a male thing, it's a human thing.

I think it’s quite American in style , which some will be ok with and others won’t resonate with it - the one thing I agree with which is a theme of it is basically you have to work from the presumption of don’t grovel, put yourself first and accept that the likelihood that once they’ve been sussed anything that comes out their mouth tends to be a lie

Well as you are doing your best to take OP's DH's side and absolve him of all blame, he's got at least one cheerleader.

It's very seldom the woman in a disfunctional marriage who just ups and leaves her kids but men seem to find it very easy to do this.

I agree that this marriage is dead in the water but OP is still devastated and left to cope with the fall-out of her husband leaving the family home, including managing her children's feelings.

OP thank you for responding in full to my post. (Yet another one who has been in an almost identical situation except the version where he didn’t actually want to move out but carry on with the affair and everything stay the same at home!).

Just dropping in to add its 12 years on for me. I am extremely content. I had one fun relationship for a couple of years that I didn’t go looking for but generally never want to take on another man. The DC are young adults and all live with me in our happy house. He is alone. His refusal to put any work or effort in to a relationship didn’t change and he was left by the THREE women he’s worked his way through.

Not that I care. I did try really hard at the time. I don’t hate him. I just have no respect for him. Plus it’s disappointing to have given my DC such a mediocre father.

Commenting again to say it’s all about practicalities and finances now. My work is extremely important so good luck with your job hunting. Don’t forget to put your interests first because your DC need you to be selfish for them now. You will be their constant. You sound lovely and I really wish you well.

I agree with your top paragraph here totally. It’s absolutely impossible for anyone, (especially a man) to exit a relationship in any kind of way without being a villain. The worst of the worst: Especially once you have kids, you cannot leave ever.

Sorry to say this OP but I think he did you a favour by leaving. It sounds like you would have stayed and put up with anything, just to stay together. That’s not good for you or your kids.

My parents are together 60 years now and they stayed together, but nobody would want that life. I am starting to really think about the pressure on people to endure unhappy marriages. I think your husband did you a favour and I hope someday you actually thank him. I hope you have a lovely happy life after this x x x