Husband has left, Emotional Affair with Colleague, Can I save this?

[BarnabyRocks]

Husband of 14 years left 3 weeks ago, just told me he'd had enough, was unhappy, wanted to end it. Up and left to go stay with his sister, totally blindsided and devastated. We haven't been happy in our relationship for years, we have 2 young children and I have been in the trenches as it were with them, he has been head down, concentrating on his business. I have done the lion share of the care/parenting/house etc, you know the drill, working part time around their needs, feeling like I'm drowning or on a constant treadmill. We have no support from parents either side. This has caused resentments over the years with very few concessions from him, or admitting he should help more. He has been working extremely hard on his business, has had periods of burnout and dizzy spells and had reluctantly admitted (since he left) that he had been focussing on this and not us. I will admit we have had a dreadful communication style between us, with me pleading for help at times, him being defensive and dismissive, sulking on both sides then very little repair, just a gradually going back to normal after a few weeks, he has ot slightly better over time, helping a bit more, but it wasn't enough and he has said he felt that whatever he did was never good enough. I have been carrying lots of 'scars' from when I have felt let down and unsupported by him, he I think has felt unloved by me. On top of the communication style, I have been going through the menopause with all of the dreadful symptoms, including not wanting to be touched or intimate. He knew this but I admit I had been keeping a lot of how I was feeling to myself, as is my style plus through almost burnout myself, and just getting my head down and getting on with the jobs that needed doing.

My 2 kids are traumatised by him leaving, we have just been getting by. In his leaving speech to me,after some pressure from me, he admitted he has declared feelings for a married colleague and she has told him the same, that she is also leaving an unhappy marriage with her 3 children, he has assured me that nothing physical has happened but I'm not convinced. They are going to be at the same event together next week for 2 days/1 night. He knows I know this, it has been planned for 6 months, a work thing. He keeps saying 'nothing has happened', 'I haven't gone behind your back', but I think, as he's already told me he wants out and has left, that mentally he will think if something happens physically, that that won't be cheating. I'm not sure how I am going to cope with these two days, knowing they will be together. I still love him, I still want to try to work things out. We are in a dreadful place. We talked 2 days ago, the first time properly since he left, both admitting how we had been feeling for years and it turns out he thought I had been treating him like a doormat and I thought the exact same of him, we just hadn't been expressing it to each other or accepting each others feelings. Although I have tried in the past, this would, I felt, fall on deaf ears.

He has said his reason for ending it has got nothing to do with the other woman, and is purely because he is so unhappy in our relationship. That it is just a coincidence that she is also leaving at the same time..

How can I tell him not to take that step next week when they are together, and do anything physical with her? Should I? I know this will appear like I'm begging him but I love him and I cannot bear the thought of him kissing or being with another person. If I don't say anything, I think he will take that as my knowing he is going to do something anyway, that because he's already told me he's leaving, he can do it with a clearer conscience. I want him back, or at the very least, I want him to not take that step with her, so we can work on our relationship, even if it's just so we can not damage it further, but I don't know if me telling him that will push him further away?

Thank you. It's very hard reading people saying things like 'it wasn't really a marriage anyway', or 'the marriage was over', because to me it is a marriage, including hard times and fantastic times, the kids are blindsided, they keep sayin gwhy now? Why did you not wait until after Cristmas at least? And to me, it wasn't over, we are still married. Also people saying we weren't having sex, we actually were having sex, just not as often as he wanted, which I'm certain permienopausal woman can appreciate if they are also going through it. He knew this and we had been discussing it, I had agreed to go on HRT . Anyway, it's pointless discussing it now.
For the record, I am not, now, even though my initial post might seem that way, obsessing over the OW. I have been lied to and betrayed, I know him and I refuse to accept he is the 1-2% of men who leave without having a new partner in place. She has left her marriage and is renting a new place. This apparently happened the exact same week he left. Coincidence my fat arse, and it's this lying from him, that is compounding the other feelings.
Also, regarding the 50/50 issue. he hasn't mentioned it since the day he left. He has been to take the kids to school 3-4 times a week since he left,he has been to put them to bed a handful of times, even though he promised them he would be here morning and night to put them to bed. He saw them yesterday for 50 minutes after school, then went. No facetiming or calling at bedtime to speak to them, nothing. He told me a few days ago he would take them out all day today. He then text to say could it be on Sunday instead, from 11 til 2pm, so 4 hours. I suspect like a few have said, the reality of him having to parent when he's got his new single life is not going to happen. Anyway, thank you for your kind words.

Push him to work with you and agree a regular schedule for contact @BarnabyRocks . For the all your sakes (you and the kids) don't agree to some hapzard arrangement by which he has access to your home whenever he wants it, and they are always on tenterhooks wondering when they'll next see or hear from him (and honestly the last thing they need right now is him Facetiming at bedtime- it's all too new and raw). Doesn't sound like you want 50:50 so propose what you do want, including some of the grunt work like school pick ups and lifts to evening activities.

Have already said I was replying to specific posts not generally to the thread.
To say that infidelity is not abusive and if the marriage is unhappy it’s all fair enough is victim blaming and telling OP that if he has cheated it is partly her fault, which I would never, ever do.
I’m not going to comment further as I said above due to derailment.
I hope that this turns out to be an honest break up as for OP’s sake and that of her family.

Op say no when he tries to change plans. Have a routine and if he doesn’t stick to it that’s his problem. The children will learn how he parents and that’s down to him to rectify. Sorry you are going through this.

Agree with this. The kids come first and he
needs to learn this very quickly.

Dear @BarnabyRocks
it seems to me you were totally blindsided because you were going through a rough patch but you were still trying to make things better. You were having sex with him and promised him to go onto HRT. In spite of going through peri and doing the lions share of childcare you were trying to fix and recover. However seems while you were putting the effort in that he put his efforts in elsewhere. That’s why it’s heartbreaking for you. You are right, you stayed loyal to the concept of marriage, the concept you stick at it, through better and worse:so yes it feels like you got a kicking here with comments like “ your marriage was dead” or whatever other dismissive comments were made.

As you were sleeping with him I recommend you get an sti test as practically you need to make sure your sexual health is ok.

Secondly, you don’t recognise this person that is your husband any more. He is treating your kids like they are disposable right now. I really feel for them too, they are bewildered and confused rightly. They don’t recognise him either :(

in order to protect your kids and yourself don’t let him in and out of the house for bedtimes ect. While it may seem beneficial to them it creates false hope. And it’s likely that he will stop doing this soon too. It’s also painful for you, don’t put yourself through it please. Boundaries need to be set. He left. He can’t keep coming in and out and disrupting the new shape of family life. It might be an idea to check with the school to see what counselling is available for the children, let the school know what’s going on so the children do get extra support at school.

Send him an email as you need to formalise contact. Document instances this week he’s let children down. Propose contact times and formalise in writing. It will become invaluable when arrangements are made for the children in terms of contact and maintenance. You can prove he’s attitude to childcare and lack of regard for children’s emotional needs ( as well as their practical ones)

You have the option of mediation when making arrangements for the children. The documents only binding for a few years though. There are other options but I don’t want to overwhelm you. If you want them I can list them and help point you in the direction of how to find a good solicitor.

Lastly, I read your post last night but didn’t have time to reply. But your sadness did stay with me :( I’m peri too so lying awake and slightly boiling. Take comfort that you tried. Take the good from your thread and I think you’ve set the record straight and clarified and area where people were assuming. I hope your family can turn up and support you in real life. This is the hardest part, the pain, the new reality. It gets better. But for now sending you a virtual hand hold x

That’s a great post, sorry it’s so hard but you need to be really strict with him changing plans. You have been too nice. All the very best to you x x

This is such a brilliant post. Please read and read again @BarnabyRocks

Thank you so much for your reply, I have saved it so I can re and re-read, along with some others. There has been a lot a good advice and lovely comments generally from the thread.
I am trying to keep things normal for the kids over the Christmas period, but I have started reminding him he does not live here anymore and that he left on the day he left. I am reluctant to say he can take them to his new place as I feel like it's still too soon for them to see this new reality, but I have been gently mentioning it to them that they might be going there for tea and have the odd sleep over. I am grey rocking as best as I can. Because of the good advice on this thread, I am not mentioning the OW to him anymore, he can go, it's his choice to go and stay in a hotel with her and all of their colleagues and shag away as far as I'm concerned, she is welcome to him. Missing out of being with his children and Christmas concerts etc, for that? I have realised that I've got some lovely, supportive friends nearby, some people really are amazing when you need them. My siblings have been fantastic, I loved them all before but I've realised just how much now. I will start tomorrow with one big task per day, finances/bills, legal etc. I am sick to my stomach but I know it will get better.

@BarnabyRocks I’m in awe of you. He’s an idiot walking away from a lovely woman like you and his children, as you quite rightly say “And for what?”
Now that you can see your value and the value of what he has turned his back on, turn your sorrow into contempt and live your best life.
Use all the support you have, everyone who loves you wants the best for you and will be only too happy to help you.
Eat little and often if you feel sick, it’s a horrible stomach-churning feeling, but even a bit of soup helps. Think about how your loved ones are treating you and treat yourself just the same. Be kind and patient with yourself, this too shall pass, OP.

One lesson from my experience - do not agree to him coming and spending Christmas day with you. Spend it with your family.

We separated at a similar time point of the year and although ultimately we did reconcile, having him here playing happy families on Christmas day utterly destroyed me. I had no sniff of there being an OW at that point and was very much blaming myself (also peri, and overloaded with work, life etc).

Thank you, good advice. He did say in his breakup speech to the kids that he was going to be here on Christmas morning to be with the kids, but not mentioned it since and now is being all woe is me and 'I can only think about one or two days in advance'. If he mentions it again, I don't know if I have got the strength to say no to that at the moment, but things are moving so quickly, so that might change. I have been invited to my brothers a few hours away and a friend local to me has said me and the boys can come to theirs for the afternoon, they have a casual buffet/lounging about style anyway, so nothing formal. So I have got options up my sleeve, not telling him anything.If and when he mentions it I can just say that doesn't work for me, we have plans.

Yes indeed.
My ex from years ago failed to stick to any plans he made.
Gradually, he saw the children less and less.
They're adults now and never see him at all.

I am not mentioning the OW to him anymore, he can go, it's his choice to go and stay in a hotel with her and all of their colleagues and shag away as far as I'm concerned, she is welcome to him. Missing out of being with his children and Christmas concerts etc, for that?

i mean this gently but try not to be swayed by the strength of obsession about infidelity on here and do try to remmeber your marriage was deeply unhappy, you’d no intimacy, he isn’t missing out for a shag, he is ending the marriage as you were both deeply unhappy. You both matter too and no one should stay on a dead marriage for the kids, modelling what a bad relationship looks like, and don’t kid yourself they don’t know.

posters want you to make this as acrimonious as possible due to the fact he’s met someone else, but do try to remember your reality is much bigger than that.

Wholeheartedly agree with this. There are posters on this site who lose all reason at the mention of infidelity and are dead set on making breakups as acrimonious and difficult as possible.

Your husband didn't leave for a shag, he left because he was deeply unhappy and so were you. He has fallen in love with someone else and while this is a body blow to you, I really think with time you will see this was for the best and you will both be happier as a result

I would advise against making it difficult for him to see the kids on Christmas Day. You should be focusing on making this as easy as possible for them to absorb. Don't paint their father as the enemy, don't tell them he's left them. He hasn't, he's left a bad marriage.

Say yes to your brother now. Commit to plans to be away by Christmas Eve so you cannot weaken and let him come over in the morning. One of the turning points of our marriage was when I did this the second Christmas we were separated. Not-so-D husband, as he was then, expected a replay of the previous year and when I turned round and said no, we were away and wouldn't be back until at least 27th, he was shocked into silence. Clearly not everyone reacts the same way, but there was a proper 'come to Jesus' period over that Christmas. Watching the love goggles fall off as he woke up and saw what he had done and was throwing away was really quite something.

That same man who very much appeared to hate me in that period is now doing my (and it is all mine!) ironing after spending half the day cooking a roast for my elderly mother and has 'ordered' me back to the sofa with a glass of wine because he wants me to rest and heal from an op last week.

Regardless of how your story with him goes, do not make yourself available. Do not plan round him. Do not ever prioritise anything he wants over you and your children.

Why punish the children and egg her on to make this as acrimonious as possible? Children aren’t to be weaponised and making this hard for the kids in the midst of this so they can’t see their dad at Xmas, as some form of spiteful punishment for him meeting someone else and having the temerity to leave a bad marriage is really shit advice.

OP I think you and your children get to decide what your Christmas looks like. The children should come first, that goes without saying, they shouldn’t suffer any further for his misdeeds.
However, outside of what the children prefer to do, you really can let this unfold as you wish.
He has chosen to leave, he has chosen to reduce the contact with his children and reduce contact as a family unit by leaving. It is up to you both to co-parent effectively but after that it is utterly and entirely up to you.
He should be sensitive to the fact that he has hurt you all immeasurably and not expect you to dance to his tune or be available to him just because it is Christmas.
Neither the children nor the situation should be weaponised, it is unjust and undignified.
However he has decided that life as you all knew it is over, so he must accept that that means he can no longer dictate what happens. He must face the consequences of what he has chosen, you are not the facilitator of his new life, you are a co-parent and your children’s best interests come first, but there your responsibilities to him end.
You find out what the children would like to happen and tell him that that is what is happening at Christmas but nothing else to accommodate him.
I agree with @Franklyannoyed re the children but with @StepAwayFromMyCrutches wigh everything else. Bed….. lie on it as far as I would be concerned outside of the children.

Oh dear. It isn't about making it acrimonious. It is about not pandering to his whims and thinking he gets it all on his terms. Her currently estranged husband cannot expect to rock up on Christmas morning, play happy families and then fuck off back to his love nest. He doesn't live there anymore. She can choose to take up an invitation to go into a more positive and supportive environment with her own sibling, with someone else doing the heavy lifting of Christmas day itself.

You need to try to calm down about the infidelity. If it’s triggering for you maybe take a break

🙄oh dear. I am not going to engage with you anymore. I am not in the least triggered.

I don’t believe in weaponising children but I don’t think you have to tolerate him on Christmas morning @BarnabyRocks . He can’t expect Christmas morning rights if he keeps on letting the children down and failing their basic needs. Letting them down is so damaging.

Also I don’t understand why some posters are minimising his infidelity. It’s like they are invalidating your feelings to feel hurt and betrayed. @BarnabyRocks your feelings are valid. Even in the marriage had troubled you were in 100% to work on it, he wasn’t.

I disagree with the it's okay you were both unhappy and he just fell in love with someone else. He should have put the effort into his marriage instead of this other woman. It is a cowards way out. There is no excuse for infidelity. None. You leave an unhappy marriage, you don't bring a third person into it. Marriages break up all the time, it happens. But he clearly stopped trying at all as he had a fallback and he didn't leave until he did. That is deceitful, disrespectful and a deep betrayal. His feelings may matter but how easy it is for him to make his exit with someone waiting there to stroke his ego. OP's feelings matter too. Stop minimizing her pain.

You don't have to make it difficult, but you also owe him nothing. He is responsible for his own time. He needs to put on his big boy pants and realize he gave up his wifey home life. No more coming to put the kids to bed. No more playing happy families. No more being his fallback and acquiescing to his whims and changes. He is on his own and you owe him nothing. Minimal contact through parent app to track time with kids and grey rock him in everything else. He can speak to your solicitor.

As for Christmas day, what gives him the right to be there as a family? He left you and the children. Sorry, but when they leave the home yes they are leaving their children. He off and went with no thought for them. If he wants to see his kids he can arrange it. Keeping up appearances for the kids is unwise and gives them false hope. And OP deserves a happy holiday herself without seeing him. It is so tiring hearing the be nice for the kids. He isn't nice and OP doesn't have to be. She only has to be civil. But she owes him nothing, especially the cozy family Christmas. The kids will be fine and need to adjust to their new reality as well. Her children need a happy mother too.

Stop rationalizing his affair. So many apologists for his shit behavior it is nauseating.

He absolutely does not get to ‘woe is me’ his way into Christmas morning. I am 100% about centring the kids, this isn’t about being petty - make the whole day magical for them, do not allow him to come and then leave and upset them.

Your husband is pissing me off.

Glad you have plans for Christmas. They sound fun.

He doesn’t need to leave them upset, and seeing their father on Xmas day will be important to them as this is so recent, you’re not centring the kids, you want him ti suffer die to the potential infidelity.

it always always derails on here and people can’t see past it.