Always the same behaviour after every argument, I've had enough

[Dogmum02834]

I've written about this before on here and its not got any better. I've been with my husband for over 20 years and this has been happening throughout that time .
When we argue (doesn't matter what about , could be anything) at the end of the argument when we are both still angry we will part ways. If its night time we will go to bed. If its day time one of us will go out.
After this either once I return home or the next day when we get up, he wont speak to me. We keep away from each other. The atmosphere becomes very uncomfortable. We will speak if necessary/important about the kids , but nothing else. But husband wont look me in the eye and will give one word answers. I try to speak to him normally and carry on as normal as best I can but he wont.

In addition to this, if something was planned the next day, an outing for example he wont go. But I still have to carry on as normal for the kids.
He wont eat the evening meal I cook or sometimes he will stop eating completely for a few days.
He will go to bed at 8pm and not say goodnight to anyone .
If I text him about something no matter how important, he won't reply to me at all or answer the phone.
If he is supposed to be doing something the next day he wont do it. For example today whilst im out he is supposed to be packing the car with rubbish and taking it to the tip. I can see on the camera that he hasn't done that and will be sitting watching tv. This happens with every disagreement/argument no matter how small or large.
If I match his behaviour which i have in the past to see what happens it can go on for weeks. Once we didn't speak at all for 6 weeks. By the end I couldn't even remember what we had fell out about.
On average it will last for about 3 days with me trying my hardest to make peace and bring things back to normal but I am absolutely sick of it.

Why are you still married?

If you've posted before, I imagine the consensus was to leave.

You don't have to put up with this behaviour. Have you taken steps towards leaving, yet?

No improvement - divorce really. My dh is a sulker too. He’s spoiled lots of occasions. I didn’t divorce but he used to demand an apology from me before he’d become normal again. It’s abusive and controlling. In the end I carried on as normal without him. After arguments he still says I need to leave! I’m 70 now and I tell him I’m not going anywhere and stfu. It’s childish and he’s been like it for the 50 years I’ve known him. They don’t change.

My only reason for staying was his money. There was plenty of it. I also did what I needed to do with dc. However he paid for boarding school for them and although they are close to him, they only ask him about some aspects of their lives - money! He now realises this is because of his behaviour and how he threatened to take them away from school by refusing to pay and they would lose their friends. They could have a much closer relationship but at times he still resents them and they know it. He always thought parenting was someone else’s job.

I’ve no idea why some men are like this but it’s controlling and horrible and it’s not loving. At age 72 mine has improved a bit but you might not want to wait that long if the money isn’t making it “worth it”. Good luck with your decision.

In between these arguments/disagreement everything is fine but I really struggle with how he deals with it. I dont think hes ever going to change now. If I tell my mother she will.say "oh no, not again " because its just the same thing on repeat. I can predict exactly what will happen. She said her first husband was like this too, a sulker

Urgh. The sulks! Is he ashamed to behave this way in front of his children?

No wonder you’ve had enough! That’s dreadful behaviour with affects the
whole family.
Don’t under estimate how much this will be hurting your dc! My dad was a sulker although it usually lasted about 24 hours, it meant I grew up treading on eggshells worried about upsetting him and I continued that behaviour into adulthood which meant I was such a people pleaser. Therapy changed that for me.

Tell him unless he changes his behaviour you will be separating.

What happens when you say to him that sulking is considered to be abuse & that you are divorcing him ?

Its almost as if he has no control over it. When things are ok we talk about it and I ask him why he does it but he can't give an answer. Sometimes when its happening I Will tell him what he will do next (such as not eat) because i know exactly what order it will happen in. Its predicable and absolutely pathetic really

He only ever behaves this way because of me but it affects the kids because he withdraws immediately from family life! That in turn makes me even more furious with him than he thinks thats ok to.do

Oh god, my ex was like that too. We had a disagreement about something 4 weeks after my brother died suddenly. He refused to go to a lunchtime meal as a result with HIS friends and their partners which I was up for going to as I wanted a bit of normality and of course to see our friends.
I lasted another 3 years ambling along, treading on egg shells and putting up with his stupid moods before I left. I advise you to do the same.

Yes the eggshells are scattered everywhere. No - they cannot regulate their behaviour and I don’t think they can - brains not wired properly! What does his mum think?

It’s not “sulking” it’s abuse.

The silent treatment is an abuse tactic designed to make the victim compliant to the abusers wishes. Don’t downplay it to sulking, admit that your H is an abuser, because the sooner you admit this to yourself, the sooner you can remove yourself and your DC from the abusive situation.

Look up emotional abuse. You can find it explained on Relate, Refuge, Women's Aid, Age Concern, Gov.UK, your local council websites. It's everywhere.

You are being abused and he will never change. Knowing that he won't you have a decision to make. Either put up with it until one of you dies (so maybe another forty years), or find a way to leave. It took me two years to physically leave but I've finally done it earlier this year, and I'm starting to love life again. You could too

You have two choices 1) put up with the arguments and sulking. Accept that nothing will change 2) leave him. If you don’t want to leave, you need to stop complaining about him!

Of course he can control it - bet he still goes to work and speaks with colleagues.

Of course he can control it - he could seek out a therapist to explore why he behaves this way and to put changes into action.

But he chooses not to.That's his control. Sulking is a way of controlling other people because normal people are social and want to know why a loved one isn't speaking to them. The sulker wants to have others wrong footed, to 'punish' them for some often imagined slight.

Remember - you cannot change how someone else behaves. You can only change how you respond to their behaviour. Ignore. Call him out. Kick him out. Leave. They are your options.

Stonewalling is abuse.
I was raised in a house where the adults chose to behave like this (among many other diabolical abusive behaviours) and I learned to walk on eggshells, appease the abuser, protect the other adult, cortisol flooded my developing brain, damaging me for life.
Home was not safe or happy.

Choose a life of joy for your kids. I wish someone had done this for me.

But he does have control over it-
behaviour is a choice. Maybe you need to start talking in the terms of ‘choice’ when you discuss it with him: ‘When we have a disagreement and you choose to not speak to me for days, you are causing damage to my trust in you and to the children’s perception of what is good adult behaviour. When you choose to punish me for disagreeing with you you are diminishing the bond between us. You can choose to engage but are opting not to. There will be long term consequences for this so I’m asking you to make better choices.’

I would spell out what you perceive him to be doing when he starts this since he is unwilling to own his own choices: ‘You are trying to punish me emotionally for disagreeing with you. You are withdrawing your love and affection, knowing that this puts me in a position of fear. You are creating an unpleasant atmosphere in the home without caring about what that is doing to the people you are supposed to love most. You are trying to engineer a situation where I feel so uncomfortable that I make all the running to resolve things. You are choosing to ongoingly think ill of me and treat me badly so that you can hold onto your resentment. I’ve put up with it for long enough and am no longer willing to do that. Start living like a mature adult and learn to deal with conflict appropriately. We can discuss what that means for both of us if you are willing.’

This. I was in a similar situation. He couldn’t stand being in the wrong and needed me to apologise first so he’d feel justified in his angry, sulky behaviour. My reward for apologising was everything going back to “normal.” Happy families. Until the next time.

The instances towards the end of the relationship, I gave up and started giving him the same silence he was giving me and he couldn’t handle that. I think he could sense he was losing control and the usual tactics were no longer working.

I am only starting to fully see the manipulation and control tactics I put up with during that relationship after many years apart.

He either needs to get support to change his behaviour or you should probably think about a future without him if you don’t want to continue to put up with it.

OP im so sorry you are dealing with this. Have you ever had a conversation with him about what impact this might have on the kids, both short and long term. Living in a house where you grow up walking on eggshells because you know one parent is angry about something like this is really damaging to kids, their sense of safety and can really impact their future relationships.

Blimey how have you not yelled at him for being so childish. I couldn't put up with that. What a dick!

OP you need to realise that you are trying to minimise his behaviour and by staying with him you are enabling him.

Time to accept he is a waste of space and ypu will be better off without him.

My exH of 20 years used to do this. He would tell me that he couldn't help it and that it was best just to leave him alone. Which I did but it was incredibly frustrating. So many special occasions were ruined. I think is was something he learned from his own father who spent half of his life away from the family perusing his own hobby.

I cannot tell you how refreshing it is to have 'words' with my now partner one evening and for everything to be as though it had never happened the following morning.

This is controlling behaviour.

“Argue or disagree with me and I’ll make family home life unbearable for days until you pander to me to keep the peace and I get to decide when you have repented enough”.

You need to sit him down and explain to him that the next time you witness this behaviour you will be filing for divorce. This is an absolutely terrible dynamic for your children to grow up witnessing.

OP , I am married to date to a sulker/yeller/controller too. It is control basically. The silence is a punishment to train you to comply.

What I have found does work but needs a lot of ongoing detachment to do on an ongoing basis is literally thinking of him as another one of the kids. Or as a kid.

Ignore him when he pouts and sulks - out wait him till he behaves normally again.

Go about your life meanwhile. Very hard and lonely I know, but it is a mindset change.

Grey rock all the way - read up about grey-rocking. Your apologies, tears, reactions - 'drama' in his eyes - fuel him on making him feel powerful.

The reason it lasted 6 weeks last time was because he knew you were about to cave eventually - take away his security when it comes to what you might do.

My father was like this.
The affect on his children was profound.
Your poor children.
How can you allow him to abuse you and your children like this.
They are undoubtedly damaged and will likely be for life.
Emotional abuse stays with you.
They will be hyper sensitive to the mood of those around them and very prone to anxiety.