Always the same behaviour after every argument, I've had enough

[Dogmum02834]

I've written about this before on here and its not got any better. I've been with my husband for over 20 years and this has been happening throughout that time .
When we argue (doesn't matter what about , could be anything) at the end of the argument when we are both still angry we will part ways. If its night time we will go to bed. If its day time one of us will go out.
After this either once I return home or the next day when we get up, he wont speak to me. We keep away from each other. The atmosphere becomes very uncomfortable. We will speak if necessary/important about the kids , but nothing else. But husband wont look me in the eye and will give one word answers. I try to speak to him normally and carry on as normal as best I can but he wont.

In addition to this, if something was planned the next day, an outing for example he wont go. But I still have to carry on as normal for the kids.
He wont eat the evening meal I cook or sometimes he will stop eating completely for a few days.
He will go to bed at 8pm and not say goodnight to anyone .
If I text him about something no matter how important, he won't reply to me at all or answer the phone.
If he is supposed to be doing something the next day he wont do it. For example today whilst im out he is supposed to be packing the car with rubbish and taking it to the tip. I can see on the camera that he hasn't done that and will be sitting watching tv. This happens with every disagreement/argument no matter how small or large.
If I match his behaviour which i have in the past to see what happens it can go on for weeks. Once we didn't speak at all for 6 weeks. By the end I couldn't even remember what we had fell out about.
On average it will last for about 3 days with me trying my hardest to make peace and bring things back to normal but I am absolutely sick of it.

At a guess it’s a combination of needing to feed the narrative in his head that he is being hard done by ( ‘it’s so awful that I can’t even eat’) and also to make you feel bad that he hasn’t eaten so that you start to worry about him and to give him attention for it.

That is what I find ao hard to understand as that side of it isn't really punishing me? I dont care if he eats it or not.i didn't even know he hadn't eaten last nights. He must be suffering himself by not eating? What does he achieve by that?

Well you're here posting about him aren't you. He is the centre of attention. You are wringing your hands and fretting about it. He's got you right where he wants you - making your life all about him.

He won't die if he doesn't eat for 2 days and he might have gone and got food elsewhere, just ignore his silly behaviour, stop worrying about a grown man. I'd just take myself and the kids off somewhere for the evening, he'll survive.

Why are you still focusing on him? Think of yourself and the children. You're married to an abuser.

Stop cooking for him when he's doing this to you. He's letting you make an effort to prepare food then gets to protest by not eating it. You're literally handing him an extra opportunity to disrespect you on a plate.

Don't worry, he'll have stuffed his fat face in the car on the way home from work.

I couldn’t live like this. If you keep on doing as you have been you will get what you always got op. I’d be making a plan, which wouldn’t include fretting or analysing his behaviour any more. Find a way out. Use the silence to find peace.

He is punishing you for not agreeing with him and grovelling for his forgiveness , either stay and live like this for ever or leave. My mum was like this when I was a child it was so awful I didn’t want to live there I got ignored for a week for doing well at school ( because she didn’t like me doing better then her). Unless you think he would engage with some treatment and look at his own behaviour then I would leave x

He won’t change so accept that this is him and your life, or leave.

My Dad was like this, he would run upstairs when he’d get home from work and lock himself in the spare bedroom, the sulks would last for weeks. My Mum put up with it for over 30 years, in the end she left and none of his children wanted anything to do with him but there was resentment towards her for enabling it. They dont change as they don’t think that what they are doing is wrong. It’s awful to be growing up in that environment and I had to really work on my self esteem, for a long time if someone seemed unhappy I would fret that this was because of me. Please don’t under estimate the effect that this behaviour will be having on your children.

Sulkers are some of the worst humans going.

You should mock him, you should stop tip-toeing around him. Use phrases like “Come on now, you’re supposed to be an adult, use your words.” Or “This is absolutely pathetic, just so you know over the years I have gone from fearing your sulks to feeling contempt.” “Why didn’t you just say you were never going to do this, and I would have done it myself, there was no need to engineer the row, or is having Time Out from being part of the family the real thing.” “How about we talk about making your exit permanent?”

There is a book called “The Incredible Sulk” maybe buy it for him for Christmas.

With kindness, stop trying to understand why, deal with what is.

Stop enabling. He has no consequence for this behaviour so why would it change?

This is toxic for your DC to witness and learn about relationships. They need to see a healthy example of how to regulate emotions that isn't to blame, stonewall and abuse the other. They need to see anger leading to resolution.

If he won't do couples therapy on this specific issue then it sounds like you need it for yourself, to understand why you put up with it.

Don't waste energy understanding him, focus on what you need to do for you and your DC, who believe me are not ok.

Start by re-reading all of the posts here, slowly.
Good luck.

Yes that’s a good point and why you need to protect your children I also grew up thinking it was my fault and she was upset because of something I had done (she did not do it to my brothers ) took me until I was 30 and had met my husband to realise it was not my fault at all

I'm so sorry op. This absolutely is abuse. Even the not eating is to feed into his little sad boy story. So the focus is all on him. Healthy grown adults can talk about all sorts and still take responsibility for themselves. He isn't taking any accountability for himself. It's massively controlling and immature.

My husband did this too. It got to the point the moment it started to happen I'd ask him to leave the house. It wasn't fair on anyone I wasn't going to live with it anymore. He lived in the car in winter. Why did he live in the car instead of access a number or better alternatives? Because he was still controlling the narrative of poor him. How he had no control and everything just "happened to him"

So I started the ball rolling with divorce. Which isn't over night. In that time he started to reach out for help for himself. He read lundy bankcrofts book why does he do that. He recognised himself and also his family in the book. He sought out a therapist for himself and joined a men's group. He started holding himself accountable.

It is night and day the change in him. But we are very much the exception and not the rule. Do most men seek out change and commit to it? Unfortunately not many. My situation only really started to change because I changed it and didn't back down. The change in my dh was all down to him I couldn't impact that at all apart from removing his access to us.

So you get to decide op what life do you want? What do you want to show your children about relationships?

As they are teenagers please sit down and discuss with them how unhealthy this behaviour is. I imagine you already model good open communication with them when they are upset. The last thing you want is for them to repeat history.

Wishing you all the best op ❤️

He wants you to demonstrate you care and are so concerned about him. Pathetic. What’s his relationship like with his mother?

Whilst he is sulking I would stand in front of him and say:

I cannot tolerate this behaviour any longer.
It is abusive.
It needs to stop.
If it doesn’t stop, I will leave.
It seems so deeply ingrained I would suggest you seek therapy, but that is up to you & I do not really care whether you do or don’t.
If you do not stop abusing me and the rest of the family in this way I will be looking at our options.
In the meantime I will not be engaging with you at all. When you choose to talk to he again I will respond but I am not approaching you.
I notice you are not eating the food I have prepared so unless you ask me to plate something up for you I will leave you to sort out your own food.

Then walk off.

The advantage of someone sulking is that you can read them the riot act without interruption.

And yes as @MightyGoldBear says it’s about the narrative. It’s a complete abdication of adult responsibilities. You don’t have to accept that or cover for him. But you also cannot force him to take responsibility. He needs to choose to change.

That’s where the not eating is actually quite helpful. Just don’t provide him with anything. He can then choose whether to take the responsibility to feed himself or not. It’s a tiny step towards actually behaving as an adult.

All your focus and attention on him, the family terrorist.
Not on your poor children.
They will leave you both behind.

My parents couldn't understand how their children didn't come home and stay, why they rarely if ever saw most of them, right up to their death's .

You are party to the abuse by not protecting them from this, when you know it is wrong and damaging them.

They will judge you very harshly too.

If you have a discussion about this when he is not sulking, does he agree that it's not an acceptable way to behave? If so, can you agree some form of words that will remind him that he can't go down that path?

Failing that, I think I'd say to him that I was not prepared to deal with hm whilst he is being so childish, and if he wants to opt out of family life, fine, I won't be cooking, washing or doing anything for him till he is prepared to be an adult again.

My DH can get a bit like this........we were in negative circles of he wouldn't talk, but blow up every so often and I thought things might improve.
They don't.
Then recently I got to the stage of thinking I'm not doing this anymore. Either for my health or my children. I had it out with him and he's seeking help. His behaviour has improved somewhat but I was prepared to walk out on him. I'd got to that stage and he knows I will.
We're still not out of the woods but it's almost like a flicked switch in my brain - he can make the effort to make changes or not. But if he won't change, I can leave.

Very immature behaviour ! No emotional intelligence to behave like an adult !
Why oh why are u still with him !!

To offer a bit of optimism my dh did this for years and years. When challenged he said it was to have some space and tried to spin it as a healthy thing.

He did it the day after my brother's funeral and something inside me broke and i realised his need to be right/ punish/ protect himself was always going to be there and be more important than the pain it caused me.

I told him i wanted the relationship to end. I did not deserve this, i couldn't tolerate the dc growing up in such an awful atmosphere and i wasn't going to beg him to change for the rest of my life. No drama, just calmly telling him. He knew i meant it

That was three years ago. He hasn't done it since. Apart from the odd wave of anger as to why he didn't stop years ago, actually things are great. Really good. Life's so much better. Dc are happier. I'm working on certain things he's said are upsetting him and we're good.

Ignoring you for a moment - you are an adult and choose to stay with him - this abuse must be horrendous for your children.

@Dogmum02834
What do you want from this thread?

If you want advice - my advice is to divorce him.

If you want to know how to change him - you can't. You can't change other people.

If you want to know how to 'manage' his moods - I say don't bother, just divorce him. But if you won't divorce, you will have to find your own ways to carry on managing him. Be prepared for your DC to want very little to do with you both once they leave home.

Do you just want to vent and to get some sympathy?

I'm so pleased for you. Its a hard and scary switch to flick but it really is the better option either way whatever happens you're going to be happier and find peace. Its so freeing!

My dh knows because of his history everyday is like an audition to be my husband he doesn't take it for granted. Ironically he is happier than ever and finds life easier than ever ! Me too. We are many years down the line now.
I wish I had got to that point sooner Because it never would of changed untill he faced hard consequences and I truly learnt to let go because I deserved better. Only now do I see that I had control all along and was just as much keeping myself in misery putting up with it. But I did have to learn that for myself.

Wishing you too all the best and hopefully things will continue to improve.

I’d want to go home and tell him to leave. Now. That I cannot tolerate another 10 minutes of the adult I’m supposed to share my life with and who is the father of our children sulking like a 2yo and the message it sends our children. Now, go, or I’ll start throwing your things out the door- there is nothing I could do which would be more petty and childish than your sulks. What kind of parent do you think you are during these?? A really really shit one. Our kids don’t deserve another second of this and nor do I. GET OUT.

He really IS fine. This is a chosen behaviour and is abusive. When, and I really do mean when, you divorce him he will be one of the baffled fuckers saying “I didn’t see it coming.”