Always the same behaviour after every argument, I've had enough

[Dogmum02834]

I've written about this before on here and its not got any better. I've been with my husband for over 20 years and this has been happening throughout that time .
When we argue (doesn't matter what about , could be anything) at the end of the argument when we are both still angry we will part ways. If its night time we will go to bed. If its day time one of us will go out.
After this either once I return home or the next day when we get up, he wont speak to me. We keep away from each other. The atmosphere becomes very uncomfortable. We will speak if necessary/important about the kids , but nothing else. But husband wont look me in the eye and will give one word answers. I try to speak to him normally and carry on as normal as best I can but he wont.

In addition to this, if something was planned the next day, an outing for example he wont go. But I still have to carry on as normal for the kids.
He wont eat the evening meal I cook or sometimes he will stop eating completely for a few days.
He will go to bed at 8pm and not say goodnight to anyone .
If I text him about something no matter how important, he won't reply to me at all or answer the phone.
If he is supposed to be doing something the next day he wont do it. For example today whilst im out he is supposed to be packing the car with rubbish and taking it to the tip. I can see on the camera that he hasn't done that and will be sitting watching tv. This happens with every disagreement/argument no matter how small or large.
If I match his behaviour which i have in the past to see what happens it can go on for weeks. Once we didn't speak at all for 6 weeks. By the end I couldn't even remember what we had fell out about.
On average it will last for about 3 days with me trying my hardest to make peace and bring things back to normal but I am absolutely sick of it.

Oh for goodness sake, you must know from your last thread that this is impacting on both you and your children. You might be ok with it but what about your responsibility to them? Not a healthy dynamic to witness, be a part of - imprinting for their own future relationships? You’ve chosen to stay. It is still happening.

If you stay, it will continue to happen.

My dad used to do this to my mum for weeks on end. It’s psychological abuse, she finally left him after 46 years of marriage. She had 7 lovely years and now has dementia.
leave him.

It’s so sickening to read all these posts of sulky moody blokes as I also have one but am getting out as I’ve had enough as it’s just got worse over the years. Same experience with ruining family and social occasions and just day to day life, even cancelling a holiday I spent hours organising. Of course he’s sorry now and regrets it but it’s far too late.
Op he won’t change and it will get worse. He needs counselling to untangle this and to understand you won’t accept his abusive behaviour.
I can’t even try to understand how my partner behaves like this or what he learnt growing up but I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this.

My Mum was the sulker. 60 year marriage , only ended with Dad’s death, now daughters in line. Growing up with about 4 x 6 weeks not talking each year was hell. Please don’t carry on damaging your children with this. Give him one ultimatum to get treatment and change or divorce. Ours never did and seriously damage was done, we all blame both of them and none of us carried on this behaviour.

My father did this and my mother facilitated it. He does it because it works. It’s a control thing. He gets to keep you in your place. I had virtually no contact with my father the last few years of his life and when he did see me, he tried sulking at me because he didn’t see me more often! It didn’t work.

Of course he has control over it. Does he behave this way when there is a disagreement at work or with anyone else? He's choosing to do this to punish you. It's abusive.

Fuck that shit. Why are you exposing your children to a toxic relationship. Time to split and be happy and show your children a positive role model. Otherwise they will be replicating this. It’s childish and pathetic

He does it because you put up with it OP.

This is bad for the kids. I’d start with couples therapy.

Blimey. You're married to a sulking child. He should have grown up decades ago. I'd not put up with it once, let alone repeatedly. You also say in one of your posts that it's your own fault. No it's not! It takes two to have an argument. It's bordering on abuse, especially if he always blames you for the argument. Please start to make plans to leave him! This will never get better and is likely to get worse as time passes. Sulking is probably one of the worst traits of a man-child. I'd not have put up with it once, let alone repeatedly!

He’s a controlling, abusive manbaby. He is not going to change. Can you live with it and allow it to become normalised for your children? I suspect you know the answer and know what you have to do.

It's unreasonable on his part to behave like this. It feels defensive to me and he might say he does it because he is hurt and unheard during the arguments. There are other ways to disagree than to have arguments. Are you able to talk to each other about what needs to change to prevent this disagreements from becoming arguments and / or agree to a protocol to shut the conversation down before it gets to a stage that leaves one of you feeling bad?

It's classed as domestic violence and your kids are stuck in the middle of it. They're learning how relationships work from you both.

This is their adulthood in a crystal ball OP.

Just take the DC and go on a mini-break (visit GPs?) next time (weekend or school hols obviously). Do not tell him anything and ignore his calls. If he reacts badly when you return just say you are doing what he does and you intend to repeat or leave/divorce if he does not grow up. Being in a bad mood after an argument is normal I think but for it to last days or longer is not the mood it is him punishing you.

He probably enjoys you trying to make peace. There is something he is getting out of it otherwise he wouldn't do it.

Don't bother arguing, just walk away when it starts, how old are the children. When he goes into yet another strop I'd pack bags and leave him to it, go stay at your mums, ignore his childish behaviour.

I swear I’d never heard of anything like this sort of behaviour until I was in my 40s and started work at a new place. People who had grown up with mothers who would give the family the silent treatment for weeks. Yes it’s a form of control. Yes these individuals were very damaged by their experiences growing up and used the same stonewalling tactics to control colleagues in the office. Toxic bullying

The kids are teenagers.
He is very manipulative. Even if it is him that started the argument he will focus in on something I said and use that to turn it around on me. Totally deflecting from what the argument was actually about and then focusing on how bad I am.
Or sometimes it may be me that started the discussion/argument.
Things can't always be plane sailing and there will always be times a couple disagrees on something. I almost feel that he does it so that I won't ever disagree with him or push back at him because I dont want the retaliation afterwards

Leave, we are all telling you, OP! You could look round for a solicitor today. You could start to make plans today. If you own the house, presumably you're entitled to half, could you buy something smaller for you and the kids? You could ring women's aid today.

He is being a turd. I know breaking up is really hard, but at the same time you don’t deserve to live like this and neither do your children and being single is actually really nice.

Well he’s not going to change is he?

You either carry on or separate. 💐

Oh op how draining this is,
So you know he will never change, to change means losing his control over you, believe me his enjoying this,
You have to change op, lots of great advice here, but you change, stop texting calling him, do not mention the rubbish going to the skip, he's waiting for you to mention this, again ' control to him' so stop this, go about your daily life with children and learn to ignore him op, don't ask him about dinner, plate it up and leave it on side,
And yes gray rock, but am guessing your the one pushing for conversations but he is happy staying quiet,

Take a leaf out of his book op, you just for it one better than him, sing, smile, be happy around the children,

Bloody leave him to it op,

He had a mild sulk one day many years ago and I was done. I moved quickly to the other side of the world and didn't ever return home.
I blamed my mother equally and she lost not only me from allowing us all to be emotionally abused with every special day ruined.

No to couples therapy. It’s not recommended when there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Why are you and he still together?. What’s preventing you now from leaving this man?. Your children as adults could well end up in similar relationships too because you’re shoeing them this treatment is still acceptable to you on some level. This is no legacy to leave them.

He won't change after 20 years. It is far too late now to nip this in the bud I'm afraid.