Always the same behaviour after every argument, I've had enough

[Dogmum02834]

I've written about this before on here and its not got any better. I've been with my husband for over 20 years and this has been happening throughout that time .
When we argue (doesn't matter what about , could be anything) at the end of the argument when we are both still angry we will part ways. If its night time we will go to bed. If its day time one of us will go out.
After this either once I return home or the next day when we get up, he wont speak to me. We keep away from each other. The atmosphere becomes very uncomfortable. We will speak if necessary/important about the kids , but nothing else. But husband wont look me in the eye and will give one word answers. I try to speak to him normally and carry on as normal as best I can but he wont.

In addition to this, if something was planned the next day, an outing for example he wont go. But I still have to carry on as normal for the kids.
He wont eat the evening meal I cook or sometimes he will stop eating completely for a few days.
He will go to bed at 8pm and not say goodnight to anyone .
If I text him about something no matter how important, he won't reply to me at all or answer the phone.
If he is supposed to be doing something the next day he wont do it. For example today whilst im out he is supposed to be packing the car with rubbish and taking it to the tip. I can see on the camera that he hasn't done that and will be sitting watching tv. This happens with every disagreement/argument no matter how small or large.
If I match his behaviour which i have in the past to see what happens it can go on for weeks. Once we didn't speak at all for 6 weeks. By the end I couldn't even remember what we had fell out about.
On average it will last for about 3 days with me trying my hardest to make peace and bring things back to normal but I am absolutely sick of it.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. You’ve gone and married a man just like your mother’s first husband.

You have a choice re this man snd your dc do not. You’re seeing the nice/nasty cycle of abuse from him which is a continuous one.

It’s utter misery for your DC in your household. Sooner rather than later they will leave home and not want to go back to see either of you if you are still together then. They could well accuse you of being daft for staying and could say you are putting him before them.

My sister is like this. Can go on years.

The question has moved on from “why do you do this?”.
The question for him now is “are you prepared to change this behaviour so that we can remain married or shall we get a divorce?”
He might benefit from exploring with a therapist the feelings that drive this behaviour but it isn’t actually difficult behaviour to stop. He doesn’t need to go to therapy to change his actions. He just needs to take a deep breath, pull himself together and speak civilly to his wife, even if he doesn’t feel like it. It’s perfectly straightforward and if wanted to do it, he could.
So now he just needs to truly believe that his choice is to grow the fuck up or get a divorce.
Either one will work better for his children than the current sulk-fest which must be very stressful for them and certainly isn’t going to help them grow into well-adjusted adults who can handle conflict.
Fast forward a few years and imagine him treating your teenage children like this. It’s time to draw a hard line for them as well as for you.

Would you expose your DC to other types of abuse? Probably not, so why are you willing to do it with this?

I grew up with a sulky and somewhat controlling parent. At times it was horrible and it adversely affected the relationship I had with both parents.

You are doing the same thing as him. Posters are saying you should leave and you ignore it and carry on. His behaviour will never change, your behaviour will never change, you will be posting about this on MN for the rest of your life.

This kind of behaviour really needs to be unravelled by a good relationship counsellor.
My exH Olympic grade sulker refused any counselling so I divorced him.

My dad was like this, it’s made me accept the same from my current husband, but I’ve actually had enough of walking on eggshells and I’m leaving after Christmas. Life is too short for such bullshit.

I can’t believe you’ve lasted this long!

I had a boyfriend who was exactly the same. The silent treatment, cancelling outings - anytime I dared to question or contradict him. He got worse and worse, and lasted 5 miserable years.

I tied myself in knots wondering why he did it, and how I could help him to see the damage he was doing.

Turns out he knew exactly what he was doing all along. I told him I was leaving because of his behaviour, and there was no point discussing it because he didn’t understand and would never change.

All of a sudden, he knew exactly what the problem was and promised never to do it again! But it was too late. The damage was done.

Like others say, he’s an abuser. The horrible atmosphere will be damaging your children. Leave him.

@Gettingbysomehow They lie to a counsellor. They cannot be wrong. They cover up actions, don’t admit to the worst and justify what they do because it’s you who have sinned against them. My DH is an only child and constantly seeks praise and approval. They just haven’t grown up.

"I almost feel that he does it so that I won't ever disagree with him or push back at him because I dont want the retaliation afterwards"

Well - yes. That's exactly why he does it. Now what are you going to do with that knowledge?

His behaviour doesn't just impact you, but also your teenagers. The impact is actually worse for them, because it's modelling married behaviour to them - training them to accept abusive behaviour from a partner. Is that what you want for them?

"If I tell my mother she will.say "oh no, not again " ... She said her first husband was like this too, a sulker"
Did her first husband train her into accepting this behaviour? Could she have inadvertently trained you to accept it, because a sulking man was her normality? Do you want to train your teenager to accept this behaviour?

It's time (well past time, if you ask me) to make your children's future your priority, and remove them from this damaging home environment. Give them the chance to reach adulthood with the expectation of healthy relationships. Stop showing them that if their partner sulks and makes home life horrible that they should just carry on as if nothing is happening.

He's been like this for 20 years, he's not going to change now. Divorce.

So he’s a manipulative man child holding out until you give in and go begging

well stop you carry on as normal, chat away as normal, if he doesn’t answer your questions, texts etc you just do whatever you want. You let him sulk

then once he deigns to come round you sit him down and explain it is an extremely childish and unattractive trait and no example to his children and that from now on t(e minute he starts sulking in this way you will simply stop engaging, he can do his own cooking washing etc until he decides to grow up again

then again I would have left years ago

It’s a form of abuse - refusal to speak the silent treatment withdrawal - it’s v passively done but abusive all the same.

Meanwhile you carry on all the parenting and domestic responsibilities like a grown up and for the resolution of it.

I feel sorry for you

From women’s aid

”Withholding communication, affection, or support as a form of punishment is often referred to as stonewalling, the silent treatment or emotional withholding. It can make you feel isolated, anxious, or desperate for their approval and might feel inclined to change your behaviour to regain their attention.”

Consider if this is what you want modelled for your children and how you deserve to be treated?

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/invisible-bruises/202411/stonewalling-as-a-form-of-emotional-abuse/amp

While you are deciding what to do change your way of reacting to his sulking. Put some music on in the house and sing along quietly as you cook, whatever. Meet up with a friend for a walk or a coffee. Just completely act as if you didn't notice he was silent. Don't put him in the pot for dinner. And don't waste one ounce of energy on trying to bring him round. Try to lessen the impact on yourself so it's not gaining anything for him and you are not being toen down by him..

@Dogmum02834 omg I am literally in the middle of one of these silent episodes. But mine is worse! We don't really argue so it's not really the issue. My DH just slowly withdraws, starts ignoring me, one word answers, doesn't make eye contact. I naturally just then don't want to talk to a moody fucker so don't talk to him and stay out of his way. Before you know it, it's been days, weeks. I used to ask him why he wasn't talking to and wonder what I had done. He'd say it was me that was talking! Looking back, I also feel sad for myself for running around trying to appease, thinking it was my fault he was behaving like this. I must have done / said something. It always ends with me taking the step to reconcile.

In this latest episode, which started a few weeks ago, again I have no idea why he's withdrawn. I raised this over a week ago. Asking him what the issue was. Lo and behold, he said yes but you're not talking to me either! I said we needed to talk about this and he stormed off. I told him that I'm not going to talk to him till he's ready to discuss this. Since then he hasn't eaten anything I have cooked. This is a new one for me! I am just asking him the absolute bare minimum and I'm sticking to my guns and will not engage till we have a chat. I'm going to ask him to get therapy and address this issue head on as it's been too long where he hasn't dealt with it or I am leaving him. I have had enough. Deep down, I think he's gained comfort in knowing that i wouldn't leave as I couldn't. But now I have my job and kids are older so I absolutely know that I will be okay. I'll be poor but okay. I didn't want this, everything we have built together just gone, but I have no choice really. It's horrible what they do, I have to emotionally detach from the relationship in order to "cope" and it's tragically lonely.

I also came from a dysfunctional family. There was sulking / anger / walking on eggshells in my childhood which is why I have put up with it so long. It's easy for other ppl to say why the fuck have you put up with it. This is our normal.

If you need to PM me for solidarity, feel free.

I was married to someone exactly the same, the sulking and not speaking. I used to say can you let me know how long this is going to last far. He ruined countless holidays and icing on cake was a significant birthday of my mums, he disagreed with some small thing and sulked, sat in the car in driveway for about 3 hours, had to make excuses to kids as they were young and then he refused to come to the event. I said he was unwell . There are countless others , I left 6 years ago best thing I did but he still does the sulking with the kids and they’re now adults

So he doesn't do this at work, with his extended family, the kids, just you?

He is punishing you. It is abusive.

Dogmum02834
Its almost as if he has no control over it

OP you're gaslighting yourself here.

Does he do this with his boss or co-workers?
Does he do this with his friends?
Does he do this with professionals or service providers?
Would he do this in court, with the police, a doctor, a lawyer, a bank manager? You get the picture.

I'm willing to bet he doesn't.

He's choosing to abuse you and your children by creating this chaotic and unstable home environment. Meanwhile you're tiptoeing around this cunt, never knowing when the next non event will trigger another episode.

OP, you know what you need to do ❤

He absolutely does have control over it.

I think you have a number of options
You agree to speak to someone who will help you deal with your disagreements more constructively. And help your DH not to shut down like this - it’s probably a learnt behavior. At worse it’s emotionally abusive, at best it’s very u helpful
You ignore the behavior and carry on with your life and practise emotional detachment when he is like this.
You give and ultimatum.

In calmer moments can he explain why he behaves in this way?

My ex was EXACTLY like this!!! Came to head when I got called int school as ds7 (at the time) was crying because 'daddy and mummy were arguing'. We hadn't a cross word that I could think off, there had been no argument, but there was silence. There was sulking.

I went home and told him to pack his stuff and it was over. Best decision I ever made. I'm now engaged to a great man!

I think it’s called avoidant attachment. It’s very unpleasant for the person at the receiving end of it.

So far it been 36 hours since we fell out. He hasn't spoken to me all day and hasn't replied when I text.
I eventually text telling him to stop being pathetic and its tedious and I shall not be partaking. He actually replied then and said he was fine.
Since he has been in tonight he is not fine . He still hasn't spoken to me unless I've spoken to him and hes given one word answer. He said he didn't want any food and his evening meal from last night I've found in the microwave. So he has not eaten for 2 days now.
That is what I find ao hard to understand as that side of it isn't really punishing me? I dont care if he eats it or not.i didn't even know he hadn't eaten last nights. He must be suffering himself by not eating? What does he achieve by that?