Holiday - am I being a misery?

[DracunculusVulgaris]

My partner has mooted the idea of us going to Tenerife, during the May half term break, next year, in conjunction with her son, daughter in law and 8 year old grandson and has sent me the details of the hotel complex which they are considering. It is, as I suspected, in the midst of a very touristy hot-spot of similar hotels, apartments etc, full of shopping malls, nightclubs, bars, family entertainment hubs, waterparks and so on. I am sure it would suit many but, I have to be honest, it sounds like my idea of purgatory, misery, torture and hell on earth! My preference is to spend quiet time, in quiet places, doing quiet things with quiet people, preferably in wide open spaces and surrounded by green and living things - I am autistic, an introvert and shy away from crowds, heat, noise, bright lights and, being virtually teatotal, also avoid bars and am not remotely interested in alcohol, so, all in all, this is just not the kind of location or destination I would be at home in. My partner seems irked by the fact that I am not leaping up and down with excitement at the prospect and, I want to say "no, you go, have a good time, but it is not for me", but I am almost afraid to do so. However, I feel obligated to say "yes" and go along with it, not least because a few weeks ago she went, with her sister, for a beach/hotel holiday in Mauritius and I sidestepped that one for similar reasons! I also said "no" to a projected 4 day trip to Amsterdam next year, to see the bulb fields, with my partner, her sister and mum, not least because out of the 4 days, 2 would have been spent stuck on a coach, travelling there and back.

Please be honest with me - am I being a misery, unfair and obstructive for not wanting to go on these holidays which are just not "my kind of thing'?

For full context, I am male and in my early sixties.

You are not well suited.

Having said that I drag my DH on similar holidays. He didn’t like the Canaries but didn’t mind the cruise. For context we normally do villa in the south of France.
He sulked in the Canaries and I nearly divorced him.
If you go, go with enthusiasm at your partners enjoyment. If you are going to be resentful, stay home ( and make her wonder why she’s with you)

Well your entitled to have your preferences and needs but in a relationship it's good to compromise with each other. I would say try and go along to some of these things but also sometimes your partner should be making an effort to have quiet holidays with you also.

I also don't particularly like loud places either, never been diagnosed with autism but I have some sensory sensitivities mainly with loud noise or layers of different noises, so I do somewhat understand undercurrent of stress that comes with being in these environments. I'm also an introvert.

You can still go along but instead of declining the entire trip you could just decline certain activities e.g. maybe instead of dinner one night, you'd like to chill in your room on your own. Or maybe you could suggest some activities to some peaceful places nearby.

Or could you suggest a villa in a slightly more peaceful location nearby? Maybe they aren't set on this busy hotel but just aren't as disturbed by it as you so don't see an issue with it.

In your circs I would be saying “I won’t go as I know I will find it very hard and I don’t want to spoil things with my behaviour - and the environment is likely to be bad for me “

I wouldn't go. But how about you (enthusiastically) suggest a future trip you'd both enjoy rather than having to keep saying no to her plans.

I have many many times gone on holidays I don't like for DHs sake. Sometimes we get to do what I want so I suck it up. This year we are doing what I want for a week then flying elsewhere, we usually don't fly mid holiday but we almost always travel a few days in so we all get a bit of what we want. I think you should go but look for a quid pro quo before you do.

Thank you @Pinkosand, we have actually had some quiet holidays together, in the UK, - last year my partner and her friends proposed Las Vegas for their joint 60th birthdays and I would have avoided that too - the heat, noise, dust, bright flashing lights, drinking and gambling are all the antithesis and opposite of what I enjoy. It fell through and we spent 10 days in Scotland instead, in a lochside cottage and that was brilliant and I was able to go off fishing, exploring and birdwatching every evening when the others were all sitting around drinking.

But I understand that, on this occasion, the location is to suit my partner's grandson, his parents and their preferrences.

You don’t sound well suited. I love holidays abroad and so couldn’t be with a partner for whom this wasn’t a really important thing.
A mix of holidays is a good thing and maybe you need to compromise if you want this relationship to last.

Though personally I’d still go without you

@itsthetea, thank you, sage advice! @Nevermine, I have suggested a holiday to a Nordic country, a cowboy/ranching holiday in the American Midwest or going to follow the route of the 'underground railroad' and sites associated with Harriet Tubman in Maryland, Delaware and Pennsylvania, or the landscapes of New England...

There should be compromise as you both like different things, so take it in turns.

@DracunculusVulgaris , you and your partner are not compatible.
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Something you used to want, which you still like, but don't want anymore? | Mumsnet
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Tbh @DracunculusVulgaris, it is rather surprising that you are still in this relationship.

Just a heads up to MN'ers and for a wee bit of background (the name resonated; has an affinity for the rotting meat plant, hence his user name)

May or not have a bearing on responses?

I’ve never been diagnosed but I definitely have autistic traits and the holidays you have mentioned here are not my idea of fun either. I also like peace and quiet and wide open spaces. Does your partner know you at all? Surely they would realise the type of holiday that they are suggesting is out of your comfort zone? You should talk it over with them and see if some compromises can be made, or you don’t go at all but let them know why.

I remember your previous thread and his k thought then you and your partner are completely incompatible. This thread furthers my view that you’re flogging a dead horse - you are not in the right relationship for either of you.

I don't think you're not compatible just because you like different holidays. If it's not your thing and you're happy to let her go without you, and vice versa, then what's the problem? Let her go and have time with her grandchild etc, she might be happier if you're not there being a miserable sod! 🤣 My mum always holidays without her husband, and my mother in law is currently on a West Indies cruise without her husband of 40 odd years (he says it'd be like being in a floating prison). All happy. No problems. Chat it over and say you'd like to do something together later in the year that you both like

@BluntAzureDreamer , if you'd read the other threads you'd think differently.

You need someone that you can enjoy your life with op. Your partner is not a good fit. Why are you still with her? I believe you know this. There are lots of women that enjoy the same interests as you.

I have always considered those that are determined to stay with partners that do not meet their needs, and choose to stay and judge them instead are likely enjoying the feeling of being, in their mind at least, intellectually superior to them. Therefore serving a greater purpose.

You need counselling to discover why you are behaving like this over and over again. It will be rooted in insecurity.

Give and take. If you go on the holiday she wants now, you can reasonably expect her to join you on a holiday more to your liking on the future.

never know you might enjoy it

Personally - I would have gone on an adults holiday to Mauritius before signing up to half term in Tenerife with an 8yo, which is much busier.

But yes - you are not well matched on the holiday front. But - on the positive, your partner has a lot of friends and family who are up for trips she likes. And if you can bear compromising and coming on some of those - while also planning your own trips with her - it may just work.

I haven't read the other threads so will take this one at face value. I don't think you are a misery, these holidays are just not suited to you. What i do think would be miserable is if you go and have a shite time and spoil it for everyone else. Surely your dp can go and have a lovely time with her son and grandson without you. As long as you and your partner have good times together I can't see that it matters if you have seperate holidays, and it sounds like she has other, like minded people who she can travel with.

Thank you to everyone for their thoughts, comments and input so far - I appreciate it as I don't really have any friends or family to bounce off or ask advice from and, as I said at the outset, I am autistic and not always able to navigate potentially stressful or difficult situations alone.

@DracunculusVulgaris , why are you still with this woman? Just end it.

You must be rich dear - as I’m struggling to see what the attraction is

I don’t mean you are unattractive btw - just that you seem to have opposite interests

Sounds horrendous. I wouldn't want to go either. I would be honest and say it's not really your thing. She could always go with the wider family?