Holiday - am I being a misery?

[DracunculusVulgaris]

My partner has mooted the idea of us going to Tenerife, during the May half term break, next year, in conjunction with her son, daughter in law and 8 year old grandson and has sent me the details of the hotel complex which they are considering. It is, as I suspected, in the midst of a very touristy hot-spot of similar hotels, apartments etc, full of shopping malls, nightclubs, bars, family entertainment hubs, waterparks and so on. I am sure it would suit many but, I have to be honest, it sounds like my idea of purgatory, misery, torture and hell on earth! My preference is to spend quiet time, in quiet places, doing quiet things with quiet people, preferably in wide open spaces and surrounded by green and living things - I am autistic, an introvert and shy away from crowds, heat, noise, bright lights and, being virtually teatotal, also avoid bars and am not remotely interested in alcohol, so, all in all, this is just not the kind of location or destination I would be at home in. My partner seems irked by the fact that I am not leaping up and down with excitement at the prospect and, I want to say "no, you go, have a good time, but it is not for me", but I am almost afraid to do so. However, I feel obligated to say "yes" and go along with it, not least because a few weeks ago she went, with her sister, for a beach/hotel holiday in Mauritius and I sidestepped that one for similar reasons! I also said "no" to a projected 4 day trip to Amsterdam next year, to see the bulb fields, with my partner, her sister and mum, not least because out of the 4 days, 2 would have been spent stuck on a coach, travelling there and back.

Please be honest with me - am I being a misery, unfair and obstructive for not wanting to go on these holidays which are just not "my kind of thing'?

For full context, I am male and in my early sixties.

She’s got high expectations if she wants you to do all these trips with her family to places that suit them. If you wouldn’t go on holiday with her at all, then you’d be a misery, but that’s not the case.

I think you'd be very sensible to avoid the holiday as you know you'd hate it. A busy, noisy resort with kids is a big ask for an autistic introvert and l am amazed your partner lacks the awareness to realise this kind of holiday is just not for you! As others say you are not ideally matched but if you can both tolerate each others differences, get along OK otherwise and agree to holiday separately then fair enough. It sounds like she will have plenty of company on this trip so she won't miss you!

It’s fine to say no and suggest a couple holiday instead. Honestly, all those holidays with friends and family would also be my idea of hell. I love to travel and with my husband and children (or solo), but not with sisters, mums, cousins, friends from 20 years ago. Nope, I bypass all of those and my husband goes alone. We also have time away just the 2 of us.

@Seaoftroubles, yes, I am also puzzled as to why she imagines that I would want to be in such an environment, which would be not only alien to me, but almost like a kind of torture - akin to uprooting a polar bear and putting it in a desert or relocating a camel to the Arctic!

Totally get you but luckily for me my hubby is very aware that my autism makes it extremely hard to go into or stay at places full of people and nosie etc as are my family and so we go abroad but to quieter areas. He quite often arranges perfect breaks away based on quiet and views and when he wants to go off with his mates abroad or this country I don't have a problem with it either when he chooses pubs and clubs. We can't help being autistic and a couple of comments are a joke like we can control it and how we feel or may act..
Sorry just to add if someone is wheelchair bound you wouldn't expect there other half to arrange a holiday with stairs everywhere...

You don’t sound a misery. I am neither introverted nor autistic but the holidays you describe (Tenerife, coach journey to Holland) are my hell on earth. Politely decline and suggest something for just you and her later in the year

Go, but ask to compromise on activities.

My in laws “dragged” me to Tenerife. I was slightly dreading it. We hired a car - and that was a great plan. The tourist area is exactly what you expect (not that nice) but the island is amazing - It is surprisingly beautiful and has five national parks.

The Teide National park which is a UNESCO world heritage site of course draws crowds and gets busy up by the volcano but it is nevertheless a fabulous place to visit. It’s worth stopping lower down to scramble around some of the rocky areas. Such a weird and enthralling experience. I’ve been twice - I think I actually preferred the cloudy day as you rise above the clouds - magical. Great for kids: my then 5-year old was spellbound by the landscape and it’s one of his most vivid childhood memories. The visitor centre is fascinating and learning about volcanoes enjoyable. If you apply early you can hike up to the peak, but even a regular visitor will enjoy the walk up the volcano.

For a wild drive, we also absolutely loved Masca Valley too - if you enjoy driving it’s a spectacular place to drive - the views and hiking are superb and plenty of little touristy villages to stop at. Perhaps something to do without the 8 year old one day, just you and your partner? You might prebook an overnight stop in a village so you can experience the local culture and spend some better quality time hiking.

So consider it! If you can’t persuade your other half to compromise then I’d probably bow out and say, “you go and have fun I don’t want to drag you down”.

You are NOT being unfair. You've reached a stage in life when you can decide what you want to do. You're not stopping them! Let them go on these group trips but suggest that you and your partner (wife?) do your own thing too. Everyone deserves a holiday they actually want to go on and shouldn't be pushed into a situation they're not happy with.

The point is if you can’t do the fun stuff, what’s the actual point?
No one should actually need a partner to do the day to day stuff - if you do then really you should hire the cleaner/ carer/ dogsbody
A relationship should be life enhancing! It’s great when the other person can make you enjoy something you’d ordinarily hate.

My other half works abroad. He didn’t see the point of holidays as he was away a lot. I thought paying for a coffee and cake out was ridiculous as I made better myself at home most days. Yet we both now find it fun to do it with the other person who enjoys it because they ..well enjoy it!

Perhaps something to do without the 8 year old one day, just you and your partner?

You CANNOT leave your 8-year-old alone in a foreign hotel go go on a trek around a mountain!!

FFS, idiot suggestion, as a solo mum I know that.

Life with kids is sacrifice. Deal with it.

Not a misery at all.

Life is too short to force yourself to endure anything you know you'll hate that's supposed to be a holiday.

I'd prefer not to go either.

You have every right to refuse but need to talk to your partner about whether the relationship is viable.

You sound completely incompatible in terms of your interests.

If you are not able to compromise then YANBU not to go, but I’d be questioning whether this relationship is right for you. I don’t think I could be with someone who refuses to go on holidays unless it’s exactly what they like, unless their interests completely aligned with mine - and it doesn’t seem as though your interests are aligned.

@suburberphobe , the OP states that the 8-year old is the DP's grandson, and the DP's son and daughter-in-law will be there.

Yes, this is absolutely correct! Of course we wouldn't leave an 8 year old on his own!! Good grief! His parents would be with him.

@DracunculusVulgaris , some posters don't bother reading the OP.

I'm sure Tenerife is worth a visit, but it does not appeal to me, probably for the same reasons as it doesn't appeal to you.
It was popular in the 1970s and I have an image of it being like the TV series Benidorm. ()

YANBU - just say no and don't go. It's fine to explain why I think.

Tenerife with an 8yo is my idea of hell too.

I'd be totally fine with someone not coming on a holiday that was the opposite what they consider relaxing.

I'd try a super touristy Spain holiday once just out of curiosity, as I do like drinking and it's just a bit novel. I'd be less likely to want to go hiking or to somewhere cold.

Either way it's your choice. Just say it's really not your thing. Explain you prefer really quiet holidays and that they should go ahead and enjoy themselves.

@Judecb, thank you! I do frequently feel 'steamrollered' into things or situations which are not right for me - the choice of holidays is just one of many areas where we differ, but I have never sought to prevent my partner going away with her girlfriends or on holidays with her family and we have had a holiday together, just the two of us, but it is a rare occurrance, since we like, and are motivated by, different things. I know that if I say "no" to this holiday I will bring down wrath upon my head, even if I suggest an alternative.

Does your partner like any of these ideas?

Not the answer you probably want to hear but I think you need to find yourself another partner.
Life is too short to spend time doing things that are not your thing just to please someone else.
You may well go away on holiday just you and her, but from what you’ve said it seems that she always wants to go with other family members too.
Im left wondering whether this is because she knows that you don’t like doing what she does so needs others to accompany her or whether she simply doesn’t want to go away with you alone. Whatever I don’t get the impression that communication between you is great and all the more so as you seem reluctant to tell her that you don’t enjoy the type of holidays she does

I think the word you are after is “misanthropic” rather than “miserly”, unless there’s an issue of paying or not paying for things. And, no, I don’t think that you are. We are not all made the way we are and whilst a preference is only that an aversion is much stronger and that seems to be what you’re talking about.

My reaction to these holidays would be the same as yours: I would loathe them and be utterly miserable throughout the holiday. Your partner must know this about you so either she doesn’t care that you would be unhappy during this time or she’s prepared for you to stay behind. Do you ever have holidays together doing things that you both like?

I would say that she should go, have a good time that you’ll be fine staying behind and that you’ll do a holiday together that you both enjoy some time after that. I can’t see any good reason why she should make you go out of some pressure of obligation.

@Doubletroubledoubled , she simply doesn’t want to go away with you alone. This.

OP goes away to his DP's every weekend and does odd jobs like gardening for her mum, fixing leaky taps etc
Any down time is spent with relatives watching tv he's not interested in. Any attempts to talk about his interests are quashed.
He's fed the odd crumb of affection to keep him dangling.

He's not happy, but he's too scared to end it.

There is much more to Tenerife than Playa de las Americas! The landscape is beautiful and there is plenty to see. Apart from visiting Teide for the volcanic landscape and Masca for the views, you can hire a car or go on coach trips to the interior and the north of the island which are both very different from the south.

Why are you together?